Chapter 60 – thiago
Sixty
thiago
We pull up to the entrance of City of Miami Cemetery just as the last of the daylight begins to fade. The rusted iron gates are closed, but the clerk at the rental office assured us they usually aren’t locked.
Our flight was delayed for several hours because of severe storms, and by the time we finally took off, I knew we’d be cutting it close. At one point, I thought we might not make it here before dark, and I hated the relief that came with that thought.
A canceled flight or a locked gate would’ve given me an excuse to turn around without admitting that some part of me still wanted one. I’ve spent years avoiding this place, and now that I’m sitting outside the cemetery, I remember exactly why.
The man buried beyond those gates dedicated his life to protecting people.
That’s who I wanted to be when I was a boy.
I wanted to make him proud and wear his name with honor.
Instead, I became someone who lies for a living, manipulates people who trust me, and carries out orders I never would’ve imagined following when I first pinned on a badge.
My gaze shifts to the woman beside me.
Remi trusted me enough to come here, even though I’m keeping the biggest truth of my life from her. Bringing her to meet the man whose legacy shaped everything I once believed only makes it harder to stomach.
She’s also been unusually quiet since yesterday.
It started when she abruptly canceled our gym plans. She told me something came up and promised she was fine, but she never explained what happened. This morning, she showed up for our flight with the same smile I know and love, though there hasn’t been much of it since.
Even the hours we spent stranded at the airport felt different.
Remi usually fills every empty minute with something, whether she’s talking, teasing me, fidgeting, or finding a new way to entertain herself.
Today, she spent most of the delay tucked against my side, quieter than I’ve ever known her to be.
I’ve asked countless times if she’s okay, and she tells me she is, but I don’t believe her.
Whatever happened still bothers her, but she got on that plane anyway because she knew how much it meant to me. I could push her for answers, but given everything I’m hiding from her, I’d be one hell of a hypocrite.
Despite every reason not to trust me, she’s still the only person I wanted beside me when I finally came back here.
“I don’t see a padlock,” Remi says, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze as I bring the car to a stop.
“Stay here.” I climb out and make my way to the entrance. The gates groan as I push them open, rust flaking from the black bars beneath my hand. I should turn around and get back in the car, but I force myself to look beyond them.
The last of the daylight filters through the towering oaks, casting long shadows across rows of weathered headstones.
My father is somewhere among them.
I glance back at Remi, give her a brief nod, then return to the car. Once I’m behind the wheel again, I ease onto the narrow road and follow the cemetery map to his section.
The landscape hasn’t changed so much as it has grown around my memories of it.
The trees stretch higher into the sky, the shrubs fill spaces I don’t remember, and new headstones stand among the old.
As I turn onto the next row, pieces of a place I haven’t seen since childhood begin to feel familiar again.
Pulling to the side of the road, I cut the engine. Remi leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Baby, I’ll wait here for now. Give you some time.”
I look at her, grateful that she understands what I need without my having to ask for it.
With a nod, I climb out of the car.
His grave sits near the end of the row. I can see the headstone from here, but I keep my eyes on the ground as I walk toward it, one step after another, until I stop at the edge of the grass.
Only then do I look up.
Raymond H. Braga
A Life of Honor and Service
My father.
I stare at the inscription, reading it again and again. Honor and service. Two things I built my entire life around because of him, and two I’m no longer sure I have any right to claim.
Crouching in front of the headstone, I run my fingertips over the cool granite.
“Olá, Pai. I know I haven’t come to see you in a while, and I’m sorry.” Seeing his name this close makes it difficult to keep my eyes focused on the letters. “I wanted to, though. You know that, right?” I lower my head and take a breath before continuing. “I was afraid to face you.”
A tear lands on the granite beneath my hand.
“Because I’m not the man you wanted me to be. I thought I was. For a long time, I believed I was doing what was right and saving people, just like you did.” I drag my thumb across his name. “But I was wrong.”
The admission is harder to make here than it has ever been anywhere else.
“I was lied to, but that’s not an excuse. Deep down, I knew things weren’t right, and I kept doing what I was told because believing in the mission was easier than questioning what it was turning me into.”
I look over my shoulder at the rental car.
Remi is still inside, watching from a distance. She gave me the space to come to him alone without ever making me feel like I actually am.
“Then I met her.”
Just looking at her makes me smile.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Her name is Remi.
She’s the one I’ve been telling you about.
” I turn back to my father and rest my hand on his headstone.
“I’ve never felt this way before. Is this what Mom made you feel?
Like your whole heart was living inside someone else?
Like you could see your entire future in their eyes? ”
My smile slowly disappears.
“Because that’s what I feel when I look at her, Pai.” I lower my gaze to his name again, knowing what I have to admit next. “It’s killing me because I don’t know how to save her without destroying us.” I slam my fist against the rock. “You should be here!”
The anger comes before I can stop it, years of it surfacing in four words.
“If you had been here, I wouldn’t have become this person. I would’ve had you to tell me when I was fucking up. I would’ve been a man who deserved her love instead of someone who has to lie to keep it.”
Tears spill down my face as I brush my thumb over the letters of his name.
“Everything would have been different.” I stare at his name, then look back at Remi. “But I know I still would have found her. Because she’s mine.” My voice drops as I turn back to him. “I think…I think I was born to love her.”
Saying it out loud brings a small laugh through my tears.
“Is that crazy?” I press my palm against the stone.
“I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her.
But no matter how many times I replay it in my head, I end up in the same place.
” I wipe my face, but the tears keep coming.
“I’m running out of time. Everything we’ve built is about to come crashing down around us, and when it does, it’ll be because of me. ”
I try to keep talking, but my voice gives out.
For years, I’ve convinced myself I could carry every choice I made and face the consequences when they came. Now Remi is part of those consequences, and I can’t pretend I’m strong enough to lose her.
I brace both hands against my father’s headstone as the first sob breaks free. Another follows before I can recover, and soon, I’m crying too hard to hold myself upright.
I don’t hear Remi approach. She touches my shoulder, and when I look up, she’s standing above me, tears running down her cheeks.
She doesn’t ask if I’m okay or tell me to stop crying. Lowering herself to the grass, she wraps her arms around me. I turn into her and bury my face in her shoulder, holding on as she slowly runs a hand over my back. She stays with me until the sobs finally subside and I can breathe again.
When I’m ready, she stands with me.
“He was a good man,” I say, looking at my father’s name. “Better than me.”
“That’s not true.” Remi reaches up and wipes the tears from my face.
I look down at her and see nothing but certainty. I know she means it, and that’s exactly the problem. She’s fallen for a man who has never given her the chance to decide whether she could love him, given the truth.
“Do you think he’d be proud of me?”
“I know he would.”
I look away.
“Thiago, I know he would.” She rests her hand over my heart. “He would because I’m proud of you. You’re one of the good ones. You put your whole heart into everything you do, and it shows. Somehow, I know he sees it because I do.”
I stare at her.
At the woman who has barely been herself since I picked her up this morning. Something’s bothering her, but she still got on a plane and came here because I asked. And now she’s standing at my father’s grave, telling me I’m a good man.
I pull her against me and hold her as the tears start again. My legs give out beneath me, and I sink to my knees once more, taking her with me until she’s standing between them.
If she knew everything, would she still believe that?
“Look at me, baby,” she says.
I lift my gaze, and her fingers move into my hair.
“I’m here, and I’ll always be.” She brushes the dampness from beneath my eyes. “Thank you for bringing me with you.”
Wrapping my arms around her waist, I rest my forehead against her belly. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against her shirt.
Her fingers keep moving through my hair, and she doesn’t ask what I mean. Maybe she thinks I’m apologizing for falling apart in front of her.
I’m not.
I’m apologizing because she’s standing here, loving me, while I’m still lying to her. Someday, she’ll know exactly what I meant. And when she does, I’m afraid this will be one of the memories that hurts her the most.