1. Memories
Memories
“Nadine, did you hear what I just asked?”
Nadine turned her attention away from the fruity scented candle, back to her therapist. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked if you’ve been journaling like I suggested,” said Dr. Flournoy.
Nadine huffed. “Sometimes. Well, rarely if I am being honest. I’m too busy.”
“I see.” Dr. Flournoy gave her a slight smile as she looked at Nadine, puzzled. “Where did you go, Nadine? What memory came up for you?”
Nadine smoothed out her skirt, shaking her head. “Nowhere special.”
“I don’t believe that,” challenged Dr. Flournoy. “I’ve learned over these past couple of years that when you get quiet, you’re trapped somewhere. Usually in a memory.”
Nadine finally answered.. “Just thinking about…Bubblicious.”
“The gum?”
“Yeah,” Nadine pointed behind the therapist. “Your candle kind of smells like it. My friend chewed it all the time.”
“Which friend?”
“Allison.”
“Ah,” a look of realization appeared on Dr. Flournoy’s face. “Allison? Is this the same girl…”
“Yes.” Nadine interrupted, not wanting to rehash it.
“She’s married now. Three kids. High school principal.
Gorgeous family. At least, from what I can tell on Facebook.
I am not stalking her or anything. I just got curious.
Found her after our last session. She won’t accept my friend request, though.
I didn’t expect her to. We stopped talking to each other by the time we reached middle school. ”
Dr. Flournoy nodded. “Given how the friendship ended, maybe reconnecting with you is painful for her. Ever thought about that?”
“Or maybe,” Nadine countered. “She wants to pretend like she doesn’t remember me or anything. It’s fine. No big deal. I’ve moved on, too. It was just a silly childhood friendship.”
“Have you?”
Nadine frowned. “Have I what?”
“Moved on?”
“Of course I have.”
Nadine watched as Dr. Flournoy silently made a few notes on her tablet.
She hated when she did that because she always felt as if she’d said something wrong.
But the long pause in conversation did give Nadine an opportunity to look at her therapist's legs.
Rina Flournoy had amazing legs. She had to work out or run a lot, Nadine presumed.
She shook her head. Stop it, Deanie. You are here to get help, not stare at people.
Dr. Flournoy tapped her pencil. “I wouldn’t call what you felt for Allison a silly childhood friendship.
You know, this is the third time you’ve brought up Allison in session.
I wonder if the dissolution of your friendship with Allison made an impact on you more significant than maybe you realized? ”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Nadine wrung her hands together. They felt hot and sticky. Had she really mentioned Allison that many times in therapy? That was utterly ridiculous.
Dr. Flournoy leaned forward. “Nadine, I think that early memory with Allison reminded you that the nature of friendship can be tenuous. And friendships are important to you. You also mentioned feeling disconnected from Alisa and Tatum. Could it be that you feel their friendships are dissolving as well?”
Nadine’s eyes began to water. “What does any of this have anything to do with my friendship with Alisa and Tatum? They’ve always been there for me.”
“Yes, but you’re feeling disconnected from your friends and their new lives. Lives that are far different from your own.”
“I am happy for my friends!” objected Nadine. “I mean, I didn’t understand at first but they’re happy. As long as they're happy, I’m alright with it.”
“Yes, but when we got to the root of it, you realized how their choices initially made you a little uncomfortable due to your faith and upbringing.”
Nadine’s throat felt dry. She could admit she initially came across a little sanctimonious when it came to Tatum and Alisa’s decision to both enter into polyamorous relationships.
She tended to be that way sometimes. She meant no harm.
In her mind, she was doing it out of love. Just like her mother.. fuck…
“I think there may be something else going on here. I know you initially came here to talk about postpartum depression, career, and marriage. How you’re struggling to balance it all.
How you feel you’re not connecting with your husband anymore.
And those things are still important… but I’m noticing a common theme here.
I’m noticing that some of your issues are connected.
I think it’s worth exploring if you’re willing to go deeper with me. ”
“Dr. Flournoy, “ Nadine rolled her eyes. “There is nothing deeper. I’m just a stressed, overworked, Black woman who is rambling and being charged an astronomical amount of money by the hour to vent to you. So what a candle triggers a stupid memory about a girl I kissed. It’s not important.”
“Nadine. Don’t downplay your feelings. Triggers happen for a reason.” Dr. Flournoy stared at her with kind eyes. “You look tense. Breathe, Nadine. Please.”
Nadine closed her eyes, letting out a breath. She was spiraling, and she knew it. When she opened them, Dr. Flournoy was staring at her with a smile. Nadine gave a tight smile in return.
“Better?”
“Yeah, Doc. But, look, I’m not trying to talk about something I’ve tried to forget for thirty years. Digging up the past is just going to cause unnecessary heartache.“
“Or it could set you free.”
Nadine furrowed her brows, turning the word “free’ around in her mind over and over. Free? What does that even mean for someone like her?
Dr. Flournoy, sensing Nadine’s confusion, explained.
“Free meaning not binding yourself to this idea of who you should be. That starts with facing your past. As a young person, repressing a troubling event can be helpful, protective even. However, as an adult, repression no longer serves us and only keeps us living in the past. Dealing with those difficult memories… your repressed feelings… will allow you to truly move on. And yes, going there can be emotional, possibly traumatic but maybe in our next session…”
“Shit!” Nadine looked at her watch. “I have a meeting and it’s going to take me a half hour to make it back to the office.”
Nadine wasn’t exactly lying. She always had a meeting scheduled after therapy, and that was on purpose. She kept this therapy session strictly to one hour. No more. No less. Mentally, she couldn’t handle more.
“Ok, Nadine.” Dr. Flournoy put her tablet down, standing to walk Nadine to the door. She put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “But we can’t avoid talking about it forever. I won’t push, but… when you’re ready, I’ll be here to help you work through it. Okay?”
Nadine nodded as she gripped the straps of her purse. “Ok. See you next week.”