28. Waycross…Now
Waycross…Now
Nadine pulled her car up the gravel driveway. She smiled when she caught sight of her father in his natural habitat. Under the hood of an old car, tinkering away.
As she exited her SUV, the early autumn winds blew through her hair.
She swore it was always a few degrees colder in the country than the city.
At least, it always felt that way when she came home.
Maybe it wasn’t the breeze. Maybe it was her unease at setting foot back in her little country town.
She never felt like she fit in there, no matter how hard she tried. Now she knew why.
The gravel crunched under her boot as she approached her dad.
He stopped his tinkering and smiled widely as he looked at her, wiping his greasy hands on his coveralls.
He had Dickies coveralls in every single color.
Nadine was pretty sure she’d only seen her father in a suit once, and that was at her mother’s funeral.
Paul Dee wrapped his arms around his daughter. “Deanie girl! You looking good, sugar. What brings you by in the middle of the week?” His smile was replaced by a worried look. “Everything ok with the Alex? EJ? What’s going on?”
Nadine inhaled the familiar scent of Old Spice and motor oil and pulled back to inspect her father. “I just came to look at my old man and see how he’s doing. I went by mama’s grave and paid her a visit too.”
Nadine had taken Dr. Flournoy’s advice. She wrote a letter to her mother, telling her that her judgment was no longer going to define her life. She read the letter out loud, tears falling to the ground. Once she was done, she buried it in the dirt near her headstone.
“That’s nice.” Paul pulled out a rag and wiped his forehead. “Well, I’m fair to middlin’, sugar. I can’t complain. Gout got me in my toe, but other than that, I am fit as a fiddle. Just wish I could get them damn developers off my back.”
“Developers?” Nadine frowned. She had noticed on her drive into town that it was teeming with new business and activity. It was different from the very segregated, very sleepy town that she grew up in.
“Yeah,” Paul continued. “Every day I get a call about the land. I tell them no thank you. This here is my inheritance. My great-great grandaddy ain’t work himself to death to buy himself outta freedom for nothing. I’m leaving it you or PJ if y’all want it.”
Nadine smiled. She knew her baby brother, with his fancy corporate tech law job in the Bay Area, wasn’t interested in coming back to Waycross. As for her? She wasn’t sure. Country life could be a respite from the noise and chaos of her life. Especially now that she was without a job.
“How much they asking for the land, Daddy?”
Paul scoffed. “Enough for me to never work on a car ever again and maybe retire. I mean, I wouldn’t be rich as you and Eddie, but I’d be good.”
“You can always come and live with me. I’ve got plenty of extra bedrooms.”
“Ha! Girl, now I know you’re talking every bit of crazy.
What Imma do in that big old house? Besides, city life don’t suit me.
Atlanta is too crowded and too fast for my taste.
” Paul eyed his daughter suspiciously. “Deanie, I know you didn’t drive all this way to talk living arrangements.
What’s going on? Something going on with the job?
” He motioned to the metal folding chair that was near the toolbox.
Nadine sat quietly, fiddling with the sleeves of her cardigan before answering. “Actually, I quit my job last week.”
Paul’s eyes widened. “Really? Well, you ain't need to work anyway. You got Eddie to take care of you. You just always wanna be an independent woman or whatever.”
Nadine rolled her eyes. Her father was so old-fashioned. “Daddy, I didn’t come to talk about my job. I came to talk about something else.” She paused before asking, “Do you remember Allison Alston?”
Paul nodded. “Yeah. I remember the Alstons. Lived not too far from the cemetery. Why?”
“I…we….” Nadine paused, trying not to cry and get her thoughts together. “You all made me stop being friends with her.”
“Did we? I don’t recall that.” Paul turned his attention back to his car and tinkered with the oil cap.
Nadine rolled her eyes. She knew her daddy was lying, but she didn’t dare call him one.
She played along. “You don’t remember? Me and Allison were kissing in the woods and our mamas caught us.
I got kicked outta Scouts that summer and Mae Alston forbade me and Ally from being friends.
Ally avoided me all through middle and high school.
Told everyone I was weird, even though she was the one who would always kiss me first.”
Paul scratched his head. “Why you bringing this up, Deanie? Stuff happened over thirty years ago. Ya’ll was kids.”
“Because Daddy, it matters. It just does…I...” Nadine took a few deep breaths, recalling her tools she’d learned in therapy.
“I am telling you this because after thirty years, I realized that was a pivotal moment for me. It made me realize that I liked girls. Just like I liked boys. And when I told you I liked Allison, you said I’d grow out of it. You said I’d learn to like boys more.”
“But you did, didn’t you?”
“No, I didn’t!”
Paul Dee looked at Nadine like she had two heads. “You been married twice now and got two kids. You trying to tell me all these years you been gay?”
Nadine sighed. “I didn’t say I was gay, Daddy.”
“Then what is it?”
“I’m bisexual. I like both men and women. I always have been. It just took me thirty years and some change to realize that.”
“Bisexual?” Paul held up his hands. “Hold on now, you saying now you bisexual. What the hell going on down in Atlanta? Tatum got three boyfriends. Alisa got two husbands. Now you a bisexual?”
“This has nothing to do with Alisa or Tatum.”
“Then what the hell this about? What Eddie got to say about all this?”
“He’s supportive and just wants me to be honest about who I am. And before you ask, no, we aren’t getting a divorce. There are plenty of folks who are bisexual in straight presenting relationships?”
“Straight presenting? What the hell that mean?”
Nadine pinched the bridge of her nose. She knew she was probably throwing around terminology that was going straight over Paul Dee’s head. “It just means on the outside looking in, folks think we are both straight when one of us isn’t.”
Paul grunted as he tinkered with the engine. “See, I knew maybe sending you down to Spelman around all them girls…”
“Daddy! This has nothing to do with Spelman.”
“Then what?”
Nadine blew out a ragged breath. “I’m just putting a lot of pieces together realizing who I am.
That puzzle started with Allison. I’ve always felt different.
I realized my whole life I’ve tried to bury it because I felt ashamed.
You all made me feel ashamed, especially mama.
Me being a dyke, her words, was worse than being a murderer. ”
“Well, your mama was always one for exaggeration.” Paul pulled out an old washcloth and dabbed his forehead. “Deanie, you blaming this on me and your mama, god rest her soul? What we got to do with how you feel about women?”
Nadine looked up at the pecan trees, willing her tears not to fall.
“No. But you all pushed religion down my throat, made sex seem like a bad thing. Had me thinking my body and who I was was dirty. And when I did like a girl or had feelings, I shoved it down, told myself I’d grow out of it. But not anymore, Daddy.”
“What done brought about all this change?”
Nadine didn’t think she could mention Zaire without giving her father a heart attack. “A close friend and therapy. A lot of therapy. I felt like if I said who I really was…you’d turn your backs on me. Tell me I’m going to hell. Say you never want to see me again. And that woulda broke my heart.”
The tears Nadine held back finally ran down her cheeks. Her father stepped to her, bending down to wrap his arms around her. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed onto his coveralls. She felt transported back to that same little girl in dirty Keds and a Girl Scout uniform.
Paul wiped Nadine’s face, cradling it in his calloused hands. “Deanie, I would have never said I never wanted to see you again. You are my child, baby. You will always be welcome here.”
“But Mama..”
Paul Dee shook his head. “Your mama would have had to let shit go. We was raised a certain way, good or bad, we tried to do the same with you. You gotta eat the meat and spit out the bones from it. What we said about you and liking girls, that was the bones. I’m sorry for that.”
Nadine nodded. “It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize.”
“Naw, apparently it’s not, ok. We done messed up your life, Deanie.” Paul let out a breath. “I know some of them bones was also the reason you stayed with that no, good Drew for a second too long.”
Nadine nodded. “Yeah. I was trying to be the good Christian wife and mother you all raised me to be. Also, I was marrying Drew to bury who I was. When I said I wanted to leave him, Mama kept telling me to pray on it. You said he’ll grow up, eventually.”
“That’s all on me. Like I said, generations were different. I was wrong. When he put hands on you…” Tears welled up in Paul’s eyes. “Just glad you got out of that and found your happiness. Whatever it looks like to you.”
Nadine smiled. “Thanks Daddy.”
Paul Dee squinted. “So what this mean? Being bisexual? You gonna have a girlfriend and a husband?”
Nadine blinked. Now, she wasn’t trying to go there with him, even though he was sort of right. The details of that were none of his business. It might just give him a heart attack. “Daddy, I don’t think...”
“Hell,” Paul interrupted. “Ain’t that the next logical step? Tatum got three boyfriends now. Alisa got what? Two husbands? Lord, Eddie probably living the dream then.” He chuckled under his breath.
Nadine rolled her eyes. She stood up, giving her dad a peck on the forehead. “Daddy, chill. Let me take you to lunch while I’m here. I’ll try my best to explain things.”