Loneliness
Drokahr
I hadn’t returned that night. I couldn’t look her in the eyes.
The look of utter shock and hurt in her gaze was burned permanently into my mind.
Her wavering voice tore at my heart. I had made myself a makeshift bed in one of the utility tents.
I threw a few blankets on the ground, not caring whether I was cold or not.
I missed her. Missed having her next to me.
Her scent. Her touch. Everything. In all my life I had suffered countless wounds, yet none hurt as much as my heart did right now.
At dawn, I rose. I hadn’t slept a wink. I wanted to bring her some food.
I wouldn’t let her starve. The dining tent was empty that early in the day.
I threw a few pieces of dried meat and bread into a bowl, filled a pitcher with water, and made my way towards our tent.
Was she well? My heart hammered in my chest. I didn’t know what to expect.
Silently, I lifted the flap, only to stop abruptly. She wasn’t in bed.
Where is she? Has something happened to her?
My mind raced. Panic shot through me. Had they hurt her? I took another step inside, frantically scanning the dimly lit space, looking for any sign of life. My eyes fell upon the sitting area. I could make out a shape there and stepped closer.
She was sleeping on the pillows and furs, covered by a blanket.
Relief washed over me. She was here. Breathing. Safe.
As I took her in, I noticed how she lay curled in on herself, eyebrows pinched together as if in pain. My whole being ached. I wanted to kneel down, pick her up, hold her tight. I wanted to whisper words of comfort, filled with everything I felt for her, until the pain in her expression softened.
Instead, I placed the bowl and pitcher as silently as possible on the table and left.
My teeth were clenched, fists curled tight, my breathing heavy. I made my way towards the training grounds. Picking up an axe, I threw it again and again at a wooden target, until one particularly hard blow split it clean in half.
Hannah
I tried to stay up, waiting for Drokahr to return.
But as the night progressed, desperation clawed at my chest.
Where was he? Why hadn’t he come back? I was determined to stay awake.
I needed to fix this. A dull, throbbing pain had spread through my head.
Trying to ease it, I rubbed my temples. I was exhausted from the emotional turmoil.
I drew a blanket across my body, trying to warm up, as the nights were still cold.
At some point, I must have fallen asleep.
I awoke to soft light filtering through the tent. Drowsy from having little sleep, I sat up, rubbing my eyes. As they focused again, I froze. On the table was a bowl of food and a pitcher. He’s here.
“Drokahr!” I shouted. Jumping up, I looked around.
He wasn’t in the main area. The bathroom, I thought.
“Drokahr! Please! Whatever happened, I’m sorry!”
I called, tears burning in my eyes. The bathroom was empty.
He wasn’t there. No, I thought. “No, no, no,” I whimpered over and over again, hands on my face, shaking my head.
Tears spilled over, running down my cheeks.
I couldn’t stop them, didn’t want to stop them.
It hurt. I didn’t understand what had happened.
He must have come back. Why hadn’t he woken me?
“I am so stupid,” I managed to say between sobs.
Why had I fallen asleep? I missed him. Missed my chance to talk to him.
He must have seen me. Maybe he thought I didn’t care, since I slept so deeply that I didn’t even hear him enter?
Thoughts that made no sense swirled in my mind.
I must have done something awful. Why else would he be so cold?
I got too comfortable. Maybe he didn’t like that.
I wrapped my arms around me, trying to steady myself, trying to soothe the ache in my chest.
I will stay awake today. I need to talk to him.
Focusing on that, I exhaled a few shaky breaths, trying to calm myself down.
It will be fine, it will be alright. Inhale.
Exhale. A few more tears fell down my cheeks.
I was calmer now. I needed a clear head for this, to structure my thoughts, to prepare what I wanted to say to him.
“Yes, let’s focus on that,” I whispered, my voice unsteady.
Once I was calm enough, I sat down, ate a few bits of meat and bread, and took a few sips of water.
If I wanted my head clear, my body needed fuel.
I made my way across the tent and stopped in front of the entrance.
The urge to run out, search for him, and confront him was huge, but he had made it clear I wasn’t allowed outside.
He was already upset with me, and I didn’t want to provoke it further.
Instead, I walked around the tent again, thinking about all the things I wanted to say, how I would apologise.
The day went by. He didn’t show up once.
By the time night broke, I heard a noise at the entrance. It was him.
“Drokahr!” Relief flooded through me. Everything will be alright now.
“Drokahr, please talk to me. What have I done to upset you? What did I do? Please, I will apologise, just tell m–”
“Here,” was all he said, holding a bowl of stew out in front of me.
Shocked by the abrupt interruption, I stared at it, too stunned to speak.
Slowly, and with shaking hands, I lifted my arms and reached out towards it.
He shoved it into my hands, then turned and left.
He was gone long before I could comprehend what had just happened, yet I still continued to stare at the bowl, shell-shocked.
Not noticing that my cheeks were once again wet with tears.