19
WHEN THEY WENT back to collect their horses from their makeshift encampment, Iahir thought that perhaps Gathren was going to suggest that they take her mother away by force, but she was mostly quiet.
The horses were seemingly pleased to see them, as if the beasts had been frightened they would be abandoned here, tied up, unable to get away.
Gathren untied the horse and mused about whether horses truly enjoyed being owned by their riders.
“How could they?” said Iahir. “They must wish to live out their own lives, not as subjects to us, used for our pleasure. Of course, on the other hand, if we had no need for horses, there likely wouldn’t be nearly as many of them.
We would not breed them and keep them and all of that.
They’d be like other wild animals, sort of pesky problems, and we would likely have hunted them to near extinction.
So, in a way, I suppose, horses sort of owe their lives to us. ”
“You have odd ways of thinking about things,” said Gathren quietly.
“Yes, I am a strange elf, as Tafnir says,” he chuckled.
“You really like the dragon.”
“Oh, come now, he’s a dragon. He’s blue. He’s huge. He breathes fire. He got me a pipe.”
She snickered.
“I’m only saying,” he continued, “there’s very little not to like about him.”
“Just that he is keeping my mother like a pet,” said Gathren softly. “Likely, we think, a sex pet.”
“Oh, I don’t think it’s that way,” said Iahir. “It’s not as if the dragon is the owner and your mother is a horse. For one thing, I think an orc would be more likely to ride a dragon than a dragon would be to ride an orc.”
She glared at him. “You know that is not what I am saying.”
“Clearly, I don’t know what you’re saying,” he said. “You are trying to put yourself in the place of a horse, and there is no reason to do that, because you are not a horse, you are an orc.”
“Yes, indeed,” she said. “But therein perhaps is the entire crux of the matter. For your people have conquered my people in various ways and have forced us to serve you.”
He wished he had his pipe again. This was something to muse over, especially in light of what he’d said about fear.
It was sort of true with horses, he supposed.
Horses were large beasts that could be fearsome.
If it came down to a physical fight between a horse and an elf—or a horse an orc for that matter—the horse would probably win.
The horse could trample an elf or an orc.
One had to have a healthy respect of a horse to own one successfully. How was it the elves did it, truly?
And furthermore, this uprising that was taking place, orcs fighting the elves, what was that?
“There is some element of it in everything,” she said. “Some element of conquering in every interaction, someone having power over someone else.”
“But it’s not all about that,” he said. “Because there is some affinity between us and the horses. They were pleased to see us come back.”
“Why?” she said.
“We feed them?” he said. “We take care of them? And there is something more, of course. You and that horse, there’s some kind of kinship.”
She nodded. “Just so. There is. But I wonder if I should not feel guilty about it, in some way. Or if I should not, well, stop. Perhaps I should let the horse go.”
He shook his head at her and began to lead his horse up the mountain path towards the dragon’s lair.
They were going to stay there. They would have their own rooms to sleep in.
The lair was comfortable in a number of ways, and there were makeshift beds of sorts, pallets of cushions covered in blankets and the like.
They would be able to rest. He was exhausted, he had to say.
“You think I’m foolish?” she called after him, bringing her horse along as well.
“Oh, in many ways, warrioress,” he said, smiling.
“But no, I am not dismissing your thought entirely. I am simply not sure what I think. I must muse over it, I think, have some other angles to look at it, come to some kind of conclusion after I have pondered it. With my pipe, perhaps. I think better when I am puffing that pipe.”
She said nothing.
They walked.
He glanced over his shoulder at her. “If your mother did not wish to be here, it would be different.”
“But perhaps she cannot think clearly,” said Gathren, sounding defeated.
“Perhaps all she has known are variations on a theme of being conquered and used, and perhaps she thinks this is all there is.” A pause.
“On the other hand, perhaps this is all there is. If my mother had an orc husband, he would have treated her much the same as my uncle did, but I suppose he would have taken some compensation from the fact that he was using her in his bed.”
He stopped his horse. “I have to say again, warrioress, that it does not seem as if you like men.”
She sighed. “It is not that at all. I dislike being a woman and interacting with men. I do not wish to be whatever it is that men see women as, and no matter what I do, men seem insistent on putting me in that place. They have some role they wish me to play, and they will not allow me to do anything else. Even when I try, they seem to interact with my efforts as if they are patronizing me. They want me to be here for their pleasure.”
“I don’t want that,” he said.
“You did,” she said. “Lately, you have not seemed to, and it has been entirely disconcerting.”
He let out a tiny groan. “I feel strongly as if there is no pleasing you. And also that I will not be pleased myself until I find some way to do exactly that.”
“You don’t wish to please me,” she said. “You wish to excuse yourself for wanting to use me.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, but he was pondering it, looking it over, wondering if her accusation carried any weight.
“No, no, I really don’t think so. Ever since I have realized that I have fallen in love with you, it is much more that I wish to place myself in your service, warrioress.
I wish you to use me. It seems, however, that you have entirely no use for me. ”
“What if I don’t?” she said. “What if it is this way? What if men have uses for women and women really don’t need men at all?”
He was so stunned by what she said that he stopped moving entirely. He really needed his pipe.
She caught up to him, pulling her horse ahead.
Now, he was bringing up the rear. “If that’s the case, warrioress, it seems things between men and women may be entirely doomed.”
She was quiet.
He called after her. “You said you were in love with me. Have you taken that back?”
“I wanted you to want me,” she said. “I wanted you to want me in the same way I want you. But you seem to want me to need you, and it is simply destroying all of it. You want me to be dependent on you or something. I am not. I never will be.”
Well, he’d had that thought that he’d never had a woman take him on without compensation, hadn’t he? And so, he was trying to provide compensation, and it was going very badly.
When they got up to the top of the mountain, there was a small cavern where they could leave the horses.
It had been decked out quite like a stable, in fact.
Tafnir had apparently kept horses at some point and he had raided troughs and tackle and various other things.
They were able to make the horses comfortable, and then they were able to take another round door to go into the lair.
Their rooms were next to each other in what might be termed a hallway. The lair used both the walls of the cavern and walls built of brick and stone to divide elements from each other.
Iahir’s room had a stone wall, but the other walls were all the curved walls of the cavern. But before they got to his room, she caught him by the arm, and he turned to face her.
“I am only out of sorts about my mother,” she said to him. “I do know that you offered to die for me today.”
“Well, I didn’t come close to dying,” he said with a faint smile. “Nothing like that happened at all.”
“We did not know,” she said. “The dragon could have killed you.” A pause. “Thank you.”
He shook his head. “Nothing to thank me for. I believe you told me before, warrioress. I am not useful to you in any way.”
She cringed. “Did I say that? Because of course you are useful, Iahir.”
“You just said that women did not need men at all.”
“That was a question I was asking the night sky or something,” she said.
“It wasn’t a statement of something I am assured of.
” She drew in a breath and looked around.
“Well, my mother and her dragon are on some other side of the lair, out of earshot, as she made sure to tell me, so it means you and I are…” She met his gaze.
“You said you wanted somewhere better than under some horse blankets on the cold ground. Are you interested now, or will you make some other excuse?”
He only blinked at her. He was entirely surprised. He had not been expecting…
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, fine, then. Good night, my lord.” She walked past him towards her room.
And he turned and walked directly behind her.
She glanced at him over her shoulder. “Changed your mind?”
“I don’t want you to hate me after this,” he said.
“I already hate you,” she said.
“No, you don’t,” he said.
“Are you very terrible at it, my lord?”
“Probably. I do pay people.”
She let out a laugh, shaking her head.
He reached out and rested his palm against her back, and she let out a breath, a small noise, soft, feminine. She looked up at him and he looked down at her.
They went into her room without saying anything.
Once there, she shut the door and nodded at the pallet of cushions in the corner.
Her room had only one cavern wall. The other three were made of bricks.
There was some furniture in here, some paintings on the wall, and there were rugs all over the stone floors.
The bed was not exactly a bed, but it was big enough for two.
“Go and make yourself comfortable, then.”
He looked at her and looked at the bed. “So, it’s going to be like that,” he breathed.