Chapter 38
CHAPTER
An hour had passed since Bette delivered Ferne’s note to Jesse, and Ferne wondered if he had the balls to show up.
Bigger balls than her husband, that is, who’d fooled her for decades.
It had been bad enough discovering Jesse’s existence, but to hear that Mac had a lover closer to home in his good mate Roger … She couldn’t believe the audacity.
Had Mac been as careful as he thought or did the locals know his secret? Had they been laughing at her behind her back? Did people think she’d accepted it? Had they labelled her a cuckold?
For someone who’d been so damn careful to keep up the appearances of a stable marriage for the sake of their farm, she’d be livid if she discovered it had all been for nothing.
A soft knock sounded at the door and her heart leapt.
Taking several calming breaths, she hobbled to the door and opened it, her lungs seizing as she eyeballed the man who had probably known her husband better than she did.
‘Come in,’ she said, standing aside so Jesse could enter, and as he did so, she caught the faintest waft of cedar wood and sage.
The same fragrance that had been on Mac’s clothes at times.
She’d asked him about it once, because his aftershave had a distinctive scent, and he said he used the hotel samples on his business trips away.
Turns out, he’d been sampling Jesse.
Sick to her stomach, she closed the door. Doubt swamped her. What would she achieve by confronting this man? Would anything he said ease the pain of betrayal?
‘You know your way,’ she said, walking ahead of him to the living room, hating how shrewish she sounded.
Mac deserved her wrath, and for a moment, she wished she’d never found that phone and had continued to live in ignorance.
Putting a face to her husband’s betrayal only served to multiply her bitterness tenfold.
Jesse waited until she sat before taking the seat opposite.
He’d changed out of his restaurant whites into black jeans and a highnecked burgundy polo, his pointy-toed boots complementing the trendy outfit.
With his unlined face and razor-cut ebony hair, he appeared ageless, another thing she hated him for, considering her wrinkles and practical wardrobe.
This man appeared to be Mac’s opposite in every way and once again, Ferne couldn’t help but wonder how her husband had kept his secret for so long.
‘I’m sorry for running away earlier, and for not chasing after you that night at the restaurant,’ Jesse said, the deep timbre of his voice surprising her again. When she’d heard it earlier as he dropped off food at Taj’s, she’d thought it should belong to a larger man.
‘That’s all you’re sorry for?’ Once again, too shrill, and she tempered her voice. ‘I only discovered you existed after Mac died, and since you recognised me, I’m curious how long you’ve known he was married.’
Jesse’s cheeks reddened. ‘I didn’t know he was married when we met. Once we grew closer, he told me. About two years into the relationship.’
‘Relationship …’ she muttered, shaking her head. ‘Do you have any idea how stupid I feel? That the man who made my life a misery but who I stuck by regardless could’ve let me go years earlier to live the life he really wanted?’
‘For what it’s worth, I encouraged Mac to tell you the truth. It never sat well with me that he lived a lie.’ He shrugged. ‘Then again, I had no right to judge, because I’m doing the same.’
Horrified, Ferne said, ‘You’re married too?’
‘No. But I come from a conservative family, so I choose to hide my sexuality.’ Sadness tugged at the corner of his mouth.
‘They’ve tried to marry me off to a woman of their choosing for years, but I turned fifty last year and told them I’m happy working at the restaurant, so they have eased back on their matrimonial endeavours. ’
‘You’re twenty years Mac’s junior. Couldn’t find a guy your own age?’ She couldn’t fathom the thought of this soft-spoken man being attracted to her grumpy, seventy-one-year-old husband. Then again, she suspected Mac wouldn’t have been so grouchy when living the life he wanted.
‘Love is inexplicable.’ Jesse shrugged. ‘We had been together for almost thirty years.’
That meant Mac and Jesse had got together not long after she’d had Cruz.
Three decades of Mac loving this man then coming home to her.
Thirty years of duplicity. She remembered Mac taking off for a business trip just before Cruz was born and again about three months after.
When he returned, he’d been happier. Paying more attention to her—except in the bedroom—lavishing Cruz with cuddles, even changing his nappy on occasion.
But as the year progressed and Cruz turned one, Mac had steadily withdrawn from both of them, probably coinciding with his ongoing feelings for Jesse and having to hide them.
‘And you were content only having him for snatched weekends here and there over all that time?’
‘When we were together, time was irrelevant.’
What a foolish romantic. Ferne wanted to tell him he was an idiot, that the relationship they’d had was an illusion, because Mac had been with Roger too.
But what would be the point? She’d gain little satisfaction from hurting this man.
She wanted to put this sordid mess behind her, not be dogged by guilt if she ruined Jesse’s memories of the man who had apparently been his one true love.
Jesse clasped his hands and she noticed the many knife scars from slicing and dicing in a kitchen.
‘Can I ask why you wanted to meet face to face?’
‘I’m not sure. Maybe I thought confronting you would ease my resentment?’
‘Has it?’
‘A little.’ But only because she realised Mac had kept Jesse in the dark too, so they were both idiots. ‘I think I wanted answers because I can’t ask Mac.’
‘I don’t think I can give you the answers you seek.
’ Jesse pressed the pads of his fingers to his eyes as if staving off tears, before lowering his hands.
‘I came to see you because I thought you deserved better than to be deceived by your husband. It’s not fair, what he put you through.
And while I’m not making excuses for him, he told me that coming out in the small town where the farm was his livelihood wasn’t an option for him.
’ He shook his head. ‘I felt sorry for him and you.’
‘I don’t need your sympathy,’ she snapped.
‘I needed the truth years ago when I could’ve had a different life.
I could’ve had a man who loved me wholeheartedly, who wanted me as more than a business manager.
Instead, I gave up everything for a lying, cheating bastard.
’ Her chest heaved as years of recriminations bubbled out.
‘I put up with his moods, his disinterest, his disdain, all because I wanted to ensure my son inherited the farm. But if I’d known the truth, we could’ve come to some type of arrangement.
Don’t you see? You’re as complicit in ruining my life as he was.
’ She flung her arms wide. ‘This is where you conducted your relationship, isn’t it? ’
After the merest hesitation, Jesse nodded, having the grace to appear sheepish.
‘I didn’t even know Mac owned this apartment. I scrimped and saved over the years to keep the farm in the black, and all the while, he shacked up here with you on his frequent weekends away.’ She pressed a hand to her chest. ‘How do you think that makes me feel?’
Her voice had risen as she struggled to rein in her anger. She curled her fingers into her palm before stretching them out, wondering if the tingling indicated some bizarre neurological condition brought on by fury or if she just needed to breathe.
‘I understand there’s nothing I can say to change this situation or make things better for you, but know this: There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not consumed by guilt and regret for what Mac, and in turn I, put you through.
’ He stood and reached out his hand as if to shake hers, before thinking better of it. ‘I’m so sorry, Ferne. So, so sorry.’
Tears welled in her eyes and her throat tightened. She’d been right. Nothing Jesse could say would make the pain go away. But confronting him had loosened the tight ball of resentment inside and maybe, with time, she could heal.
When she didn’t answer him, Jesse gave a brief nod and walked to the door, where he paused and glanced over his shoulder.
‘For what it’s worth, I wish you all the happiness in the world, because you deserve it,’ he said, before letting himself out.