Chapter 16 #2
His thumb moved again, dragging slowly over my lower lip, and I sucked in an involuntary breath, doing everything in my power to remain calm. Cool. In control. But it wasn’t easy. There was absolutely nothing cool about this.
It was all hot. Literally and metaphorically. Which really says something about the sad state of my love life, doesn’t it?
The only heat I experienced was usually in my books, but before I could start wondering if that might change now that I was getting married, the low timbre of his voice snapped me out of it.
“You’re going to be okay,” he murmured.
I nodded, but I was a little breathless as I responded. “Yes. Yes, I’m fine.”
Something in his gaze changed then, like he’d suddenly realized how close we were standing too. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was, but he stepped back a pace and cleared his throat, running a hand through his damp hair like he needed to give it something to do.
“I should probably say something,” he said, his own voice suddenly a little huskier than usual. “While we’re here, I mean.”
“Oh?”
His gaze flicked briefly to the floor before returning to mine. “I kissed you last night.”
Don’t remind me of that right now. Good heavens. Have a heart. “Yes. You did. I mean, we did.”
“I should’ve asked first.” He managed to look a tiny bit sheepish even though his torso, abs chest, and shoulders were still on full display. And there was nothing remotely sheepish about any of that, or what he looked like mostly naked. “It was just that, given the circumstances…”
He trailed off, but I knew what he meant.
My brain might be half-fried right about now, but we’d been in a dining room full of aristocrats chanting for us to kiss like we were performing monkeys.
Those were the circumstances he was referring to, and given them, well, I hadn’t had a different answer either.
I swallowed hard, forcing myself to look into his eyes instead of anywhere else. “It’s fine. I understand.”
Watching me carefully, his gaze moved from one of my eyes to the other, a slight furrow appearing on his brow. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I folded my arms loosely over my chest, trying to appear far more composed than I felt. “We’re getting married anyway and I’m supposed to have the Roderick heir. Things like this are bound to happen.”
The words sounded oddly clinical once they were out there, but for a brief moment, Jesse’s expression turned serious. Like, unexpectedly, really serious. His eyes darkened slightly, his jaw hardening itself practically all the way into an emergency dentist appointment.
“Right,” he murmured finally. “Of course.”
The room suddenly felt too small, too warm, and too full of strange, unfamiliar tension. I nodded, taking a step back—not into the doorframe this time—and didn’t stop until I was in the hallway to the sitting room.
“Well, you should finish getting dressed.”
“Probably.”
“I’ll leave you to it. Miriam sent up some food for us.” Finally breaking eye contact, I spun around and watched out for walls when I fled this time.
A few minutes later, he strode into the living room fully clothed and entirely composed.
Like that scene in the bathroom hadn’t affected him at all.
The same could certainly not be said for me, and to make matters worse, whoever had chosen his clothes had opted for low-riding tracksuit pants and a jumper, none of which did me any favors.
Again.
Jesse looked different dressed so casually, however, more like I imagined he would on a lazy day at home, and for a moment, I wondered if we might have some of those together.
Naturally, my errant thoughts made the tension between us even thicker than before.
We just looked at each other, not quite staring but not quite comfortable either.
Finally, I cleared my throat. The cart Miriam had sent was still waiting beside the sofa and I motioned toward it. “If you’re hungry.”
He glanced at it, then back at me, a knot forming at the back of his jaw and disappearing a few times before he finally shook his head. “That’s okay. I should get back to my room.”
Part of me wanted to say he should stay, which was an extremely alarming realization, but he was right. I suppose.
“Yes,” I said lightly once I’d gotten over the slight stab of disappointment. “That’s probably wise.”
Another awkwardly tense beat later, I stepped toward the door and gave him directions to the guest wing of the castle, knowing he’d wind up wandering all night otherwise.
“You’ll want to go down the main corridor, take the second staircase to the right, and then straight through the gallery with the blue tapestries. ”
Beside me, he nodded. “Got it.” He lingered like he might say something else, but in the end, he simply offered me a small, almost tense smile. “Goodnight, Eliza.”
“Goodnight, Jesse.”
With that, I opened the door and he strode out, leaving me watching him walk down the hallway until he disappeared around the corner. For what felt like the first time since I’d woken up, I exhaled a full, proper breath of air and drew in another.
Bloody hell. What on earth is going on with me?
Mentally, I was already running through the list of what I had to do. Eat. Take a shower myself. Brush my teeth at least four times. My mouth tastes like hell. Change into a nightdress. Go to sleep.
Yet, I couldn’t force my body to do any of those things. Instead, I headed toward the fireplace and simply started pacing. I was used to being in control. Being in charge of my schedule, my responsibilities, and my life, but Jesse had stepped up today when he didn’t have to.
Without asking or hesitating, he’d taken over my entire agenda, working alongside Miriam to give me a break when I’d needed one most. This had officially been my first hangover and I was not keen to repeat the experience.
However, it also hadn’t been the first time he’d looked at me and somehow knew exactly what I needed without me having to say it out loud.
There had been that night in the bar back in Chicago and last night in my father’s study.
Those were the incidents that stood out, but there had been dozens more.
Moments when he’d spoken up just as I was at a loss. Times when he’d kept silent, simply encouraging me to say my piece. It dawned on me then that he was taking care of me in a way no one else ever had, and I was letting him. Moreover, I was enjoying it. It made me feel warm, safe, and comforted.
Am I supposed to have feelings for my fiancé in this situation?
I honestly had no idea what to think, but I knew for an absolute fact that Jesse was treating me exactly the way I’d always dreamed a man would. He was also intelligent and witty, and he certainly wasn’t a pain to look at.
But more than anything else, the way that my heart and body reacted around him said that perhaps I already had feelings for him. Regardless of whether it was proper or acceptable under the circumstances or not.