Chapter Twenty-Five
El
I’d officially worked myself sick.
Between dance and studying for finals, I was convinced that it was all the stress and lack of sleep that had practically shut my immune system down.
“El, you sound terrible,” Dina expressed through FaceTime.
“I know.”
“You need a hot shower or something,” Hadley said. “You sound like a man.”
My nose was so clogged that I could hardly snort. “Thanks, Had. So sweet of you.”
Currently, I was swaddled up in two blankets, waiting to get too hot again and throw them off me. It was an endless cycle— hot, cold, hot, cold.
This was my second day of feeling sick, and it seemed worse than yesterday.
I was trying to relax and rest, but my mind was reeling with all the things I needed to do.
“You should try to take a nap or something,” Dina said.
“And take some meds,” Hadley added.
Throat aching through the words, I said, “I took some earlier.”
“Well, clearly they didn’t work,” she pointed out.
Weakness spreading throughout my body, it felt like it took a significant amount of energy just to roll my eyes at her. “I will take some more.”
“Good. Now get some rest! We love you.”
“Love you, El!” Dina chimed in.
“Love you, guys.” As the call ended, I fell back against the couch, and slowly, I laid on my side, pulling both blankets up to my chin.
Brain fog was eating me up, and it felt so nice to shut my eyes. I didn’t mind that I was spending my Friday night like this. Just as I found a hint of solace inching in, the buzz of my phone caused me to jump.
Mattie: Are you coming out tonight?
Me: Sorry, Mattie. I can’t. I’m sick.
Mattie: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m super congested and my throat hurts.
No answer.
I rolled over, nuzzling into the couch again. I drifted off, and next thing I knew, a knock sounded.
Drowsiness at an all-time high, I had a hard time determining if the knock was at my front door or my neighbor’s.
But when the sound repeated, this time unmistakably coming from my own door, it took everything in me to shuffle over in slow motion.
Matt stood with a sheepish smile, raising both arms to reveal a bag from the local pharmacy in one hand and a bag of Panera in the other.
“Mattie,” I grinned weakly, “what’re you doing here?”
“You said you were sick.” Inviting himself in, he wandered past me, unloading both bags on the kitchen table. “I got you some meds. The good ones, not the shitty ones you like to take that don’t work. And then I brought you some soup.”
Instinctively, I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t want to get him sick, so I kept my distance. “You didn’t have to do all this.”
“Of course, I did,” he said, before tucking his shoes away by the front door and making himself comfortable in the same spot on the couch that I’d just been hating my life in. As normally as ever, he turned the TV on and began flipping through channels.
I blinked at him, mouth parted. “Mattie... Don’t you have plans?”
Brown eyes gawked at me like I just grew another head, and his next words were so mundane but carried so much conviction that a strange, temporary surge of butterflies circled through my stomach for a second.
“These are my plans.”
Whatever noise came out of my mouth was a raspy mix between a gasp and a sigh. “I don’t wanna get you sick.”
Matt shrugged. “Oh, please. I live in a house with five unsanitary guys who carry all sorts of germs.” A subtle grin broke his features. “My immune system is rock solid.”
Each time I spoke began to hurt more and more. Every word was rubbing my throat raw. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. And besides, I wouldn’t care anyway if you got me sick.”
It wasn’t until the aroma of chicken noodle soup hit me that I didn’t realize how hungry I’d been. I fought a smile at the fact that Matt knew this was my favorite soup. It never failed to amaze me with how much he knew about me.
“You don’t wanna go out with the guys tonight?” I asked as I sat at the table.
“Nah,” he shrugged carelessly.
I didn’t respond again. Partly because my throat was aching and partly because I didn’t know what else to say.
Instead, Matt turned on a romcom movie while I ate at the table. The hot soup coated my throat, giving me relief for the first time today.
Matt had always been protective of the girls in his life— Jade, Lo, and me— but he also had moments like this, where he wasn’t just protective, but he was also a caretaker.
It was an endearing side of him that I didn’t see often, but when I did, I loved it. Especially since his catastrophic side was typically his most dominant side.
“Make sure you take those meds now that you’ve eaten,” Matt blurted.
I nodded and followed his orders, taking two of the decongestion pills he’d brought.
It was still quiet when I joined him on the couch, seating myself as far over as I possibly could.
I knew he said he didn’t care if he got sick, but I still didn’t want to risk it.
He had hockey and school and getting sick wasn’t a great move for an athlete who was getting deeper into his senior season.
For a while, the only sound in the room was Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston talking, and there was something so serene about not speaking or interacting at all, and just sharing a space together, enjoying each other’s company.
When a cough began accompanying my other symptoms, Matt stood without a word. Curiosity drove me to watch his every move, and part of me melted when I realized he had brought tea to make for me.
The pain that came with laughing was worth it as Matt, looking like my own personal prince charming, held out my Twilight mug, the side showcasing a meme of Robert Pattinson.
I gave a scratchy, “Thank you.”
Within minutes, half the mug was empty, and I rested my back against the arm of the couch.
Matt’s five o’clock shadow was tempting me to touch it, and the way his eyes kept lighting up at the screen was causing mine to light up at him.
A tizzy took over my stomach listening to the gruff timbre of his laughter at the movie.
Even though I was sick, I could’ve stayed here with him like this forever.
At this rate, any sane girl would’ve been on her knees right now, begging Matt for a chance, or better yet, would’ve just been a puddle at his feet already.
I knew Matt had some sort of feelings for me, but he’d never admitted it himself. I didn’t know the extent of anything, didn’t know a single thought that floated around in that intriguing brain of his.
As nonchalantly as I could manage, I caught glimpses of him, one after another until I brought a headache upon myself from the number of thoughts swirling through my mind.
Fuck, I have been in denial.
Was he in denial too? Were his feelings not strong enough for him to bring them up? Or was I making things up and maybe he didn’t have feelings for me at all?
Had we each been shuffling around our feelings this whole time? Dodging the conversation?
The last thing I wanted was for us to be playing a juvenile game where we each waited for the other to confess first.
My fear of speaking up was less centered around rejection and stemmed more from the idea of fucking up our friendship.
As a teen, I’d held back because I knew my father wouldn’t approve. As an adult, I held back because I was too afraid to lose Matt.
The thought of losing him was enough to make my chest throb. My hands clutched tighter around my Twilight mug. It started to burn my skin, but I welcomed the feeling.
Matt was the only person in my world who knew everything about me— all my flaws, all my trauma. I knew I could tell him the worst parts of me and that he’d still accept me.
Even if I shouldn’t, I relied on him for support and stability, and diving past the line of friendship would jeopardize his place in my life.
Realistically, I knew this was an unhealthy thought— depending on someone else to be your backbone, but that was my reality.
I wondered what life would be like if we were to cross the boundary we put into place so many years ago. Would it be weird? Unnatural? Would it ruin the dynamic that had taken us sixteen years to build?
I was intrigued and I was afraid, tempted but also reluctant. There were so many negative possibilities; I wasn’t sure if it was worth the risk.
Except when he glanced over at me, looking like a living dream with his kissable smirk and pure aura, my pulse spiked, and I was overwhelmed with emotion.
Something came over me in that moment.
I made the decision, and I was terrified of it.
I was going to tell him how I felt.
I wasn’t sure when. I wasn’t sure where. But I’d do it when the time was right.