Chapter Twenty-Eight
El
The blizzard we got last week was bad enough for the university to cancel all our classes. That still didn’t stop hundreds of college kids from day drinking and sledding down the streets.
Having grown up in Illinois, I was used to brutal winters, but being used to them and liking them were two very different things.
In the midst of more snow, Matt came over last night. We hadn’t talked much about the incident regarding the football player, and to be honest, I didn’t really want to. I wanted to forget about it all.
On the other hand, Matt was struggling, and it was becoming harder to watch.
He hadn’t gone out with his friends in two weeks, ever since Coach Palmer sat him down and threatened to bench him. Every time he’d left his house recently, it was either for practice, school, or to come see me.
He hadn’t outright used the word “scared”, but I could tell that was the case.
When he came over last night, we studied together for a few hours before spending a significant amount of time naked.
Eventually, I passed out with his arms tight around me and my head on his chest. When I’d awoken in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, he hadn’t moved a muscle, still holding me as if his life depended on it.
I had to cleverly remove myself from his grasp, like undoing a knot, without waking him.
It was already past six, and I was just leaving the studio after a two-hour rehearsal. Our group dance was almost completely choreographed, and we had a month and a half to perfect it.
It was a small group— consisting of five of us, and I’d been enjoying working on this dance. Solos were a great opportunity for me to express my own creativity, get my emotions out, and push my own limits. But with groups, I got to share the experience with others, and that in itself was magical.
I’d really hit it off with the other girls, and they even invited me over to hangout later this week.
I’d struggled with making new girlfriends since coming to Cedar, because my time was always so limited.
Ever since I joined this club, I’d been slowly building new connections, and I was loving every second of it.
Still recovering from the stress I’d just placed on my body, the frigid air stung my lungs. My muscles were already aching when I got to my car, and the ten-degree weather wasn’t helping.
What was helping was knowing that I was driving home to a broody, loving hockey player.
Matt was pulling a pizza out of the oven when I shuffled inside my apartment, and to my disappointment, the heat wasn’t blasting when I came in.
With pizza in hand, Matt greeted me with a stunning smile. He looked like a real-life dream, the type of man girls imagined walking down an aisle to.
And he was mine.
A demon to some, but an angel to me.
The pizza was blazing, but I was starving, and I probably burnt my mouth far too many times before climbing into the shower. A shower that Matt insisted on joining me for.
We’d only been in the small, intimate space for moments before Matt was on his knees, head between my thighs. With water pouring over him, every muscle of his taut and divine, he looked like he was straight out of a sports catalogue.
Time and time again, I found myself enthralled by him. He’d always been attractive. Always. But the mental screenshot I took right now was one that I never wanted to forget.
Matt tasted me with a smile, and since everything tended to echo in the shower, my neighbors definitely heard my cries of relief.
Let’s just say, I didn’t hold back.
Matt’s rough hands steadied me, locking me in place as I rode out the high. If he hadn’t been holding onto me, I probably would’ve slipped, the high was so strong.
When the only sound that could be heard was the cross of my rocky breaths and the water spewing, Matt slowly rose to his feet, kissing my stomach and chest on his way up.
We finished showering after Matt insisted on washing my hair for me. Throwing comfy clothes on, my hair was still wet when Matt collapsed on the couch while I took out my vacuum.
“What are you doing?” he let out, a crease in his brows.
I glanced down at the vacuum. “I’m cleaning.”
His eyes skimmed the apartment. “El... it’s already clean.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I don’t think there’s a speck of dust in this place.”
With a tiny scoff, I plugged the vacuum in. “Well, there will be if I don’t clean.”
Matt appeared beside me. His unbreakable arms curled around me, rocking me lightly side to side. “You need to rest.”
“But—”
“El,” Matt’s voice turned rough, demanding. “You work way too much. You need to take some time to slow down.”
Sluggishly, I put the vacuum away, reluctance seeping in. Matt had found his way to the couch, and his open arms welcomed me to him.
The beginning of Wedding Crashers casted on the TV. I absolutely loved Rachel McAdams; she was one of my favorite actresses. But I’d admit, I was having a hard time sitting still.
Continuously fidgeting in Matt’s arms, I let myself loose, reaching for my backpack.
“El, what are you...”
I dug around in my bag. “I got some textbook reading done earlier. I’m just gonna make some new flashcards.”
When Owen Wilson stopped talking halfway through his sentence, I glanced up. With the movie paused, the only sound was the perturbed exhale I gave.
That pull between Matt’s brows was back. He didn’t say a word, just studied me with a look I couldn’t quite read.
“What?” I finally asked.
“El, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lightly chuckled. “Why?”
Suddenly, his expression was clear. Concern shone through his irises, his gaze jumping all over me as if he were inspecting me for injuries.
“I know you often struggle with slowing down, but it seems extra bad tonight. Are you stressed about something?”
Yes.
My stomach did a nervous dip. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I was surprised it didn’t start spurting blood. “No,” I responded.
The corners of Matt’s lips ticked upwards. “I’ve known you our whole lives. You really think you can lie to me?”
A rough sigh left my mouth and I fell back against the couch, staring off into space. “Okay,” I admitted. “Maybe I’m a little nervous about next week.”
“Next week? What’s next— oh,” he caught himself. “Your mom’s birthday.”
I smacked my lips together nervously. “Yeah.”
My dad was throwing my mom a surprise birthday party, and we were supposed to be making the trip down to Illinois for it.
It would be the first time we’d be around our families since becoming an actual couple.
We hadn’t talked about when we would tell everyone about our new relationship status.
For years, family gatherings would occasionally become uneasy for me whenever I’d let those memories from my youth flood in.
I hated the feeling of the truth being ignored, and now, that feeling would be doubled, granted our current secret.
“Would you like to tell everyone next week or do you want to wait longer?” Matt asked gently.
I wasn’t sure what was best. Matt’s parents would probably be ecstatic, and my mom was the type to accept anyone that her daughters loved. But I had no idea how my father would react.
“I do love Matt. I just don’t love him for my daughter.”
I’d never told Matt about that conversation, and I never would. My father hadn’t elaborated, but he didn’t need to. Just that one bit in itself was probably enough to break Matt in two.
It wasn’t until I went to speak that I realized there was a heavy weight pressed against my chest. I replied, “What do you wanna do?”
“I mean, I’d love to tell everyone soon, of course, but I want to wait until you’re ready.”
He stared at me with an abundance of love and patience, and I was fascinated by how someone who had caused so much damage in the world could be so tender behind closed doors.
If he was ready, then I wanted to be there with him.
“Okay,” I agreed quietly. “We’ll do it next week.”
“You just say the word when you’re ready and I’ll follow your lead.”
It was a relief knowing Matt would be there with me, that we’d be doing this together.
The weight that I’d been feeling got sliced in half. I snuggled up beside Matt as the movie resumed, but only a few minutes later, it was paused again.
“Alright,” Matt sighed gently, “you’re still movin’ around a bunch. What else is bothering you?”
“Nothing,” I lied.
“El,” he chortled through disbelief.
The words tumbled out faster than I could stop them. “Family gatherings are stressful.” When Matt’s brows shot up to his hairline, I clarified. “Because of my family. Not yours.”
A hurricane of emotions passed over his features before he settled back on concern. “El... is this about your parents?”
Ever since that one day on the playground where I confided in Matt, we hadn’t really had a heart to heart again about the topic.
It was something I hadn’t cried about in years, yet tears were currently threatening to spill over. In a small voice, I answered, “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yes,” I spat out, before retracting. “No... I don’t know.”
With a teeny nod, Matt readjusted himself so he could face me better, eyeing me with a soft fire in his eyes like I was broken but desirable.
The delicacy in his voice tore through my barriers. “Okay, let’s talk about it.”
“I... don’t really know where to start...” I admitted. In my mind, I’d avoided the subject for so long that my thoughts about it were all jumbled. If anyone else were trying to have this conversation with me, I probably would’ve shot it straight down. But Matt was safe.
The world may have viewed him as a monster, but all I could view him as was my best friend, my boyfriend, the epitome of a protector. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
“Why are family gatherings stressful?” he asked.
I never thought I’d be having this conversation aloud; I didn’t realize how anxious it would make me. My knee bobbed uncontrollably until Matt’s large, calloused hand covered it, holding it still.
“Nobody ever talks about what happened. It feels like it was never resolved, at least not for me. My parents never even sat Lo and me down to have a conversation. It was like... everything fell apart and then faded just as quickly as it happened.”
“I...” Matt sighed, “yeah. I’ve gathered that as well.”
Nice knowing I wasn’t the only one thinking it all these years.
He asked, “Have you ever talked to Lo about all this?”
“Not really. We haven’t spoken about it since we were younger.”
He gave another small shrug. “If it’s still bothering you, then it might bother her too. Maybe you guys should talk about it.”
“Yeah maybe...”
“And maybe you guys should talk to your parents too.”
Just the idea made my stomach swirl. I clutched onto it, but unfortunately, the feeling didn’t ease.
Ever since I was fourteen, there was a disconnect between my parents and me, specifically with my mom. I loved her so much, but there was a lingering resentment that I couldn’t seem to kick after all these years.
If the situation had been reversed, and it was my dad who had been unfaithful, I wondered if I’d still hold this level of resentment for him.
“Ah...” I stammered. “I don’t know about that.”
“I can tell this has been gradually eating at you all these years, and if nobody else is going to bring it up, then it might have to be you, El.”
Matt was right, but I wished he wasn’t.
I kept my tears at bay, holding them back with all my willpower. I knew that right here with Matt was a safe place to cry, to scream and sob while he held me tightly to him, trying to heal my heart. But I didn’t want to cry. Because I knew that once it started, it wouldn’t stop.
“I’ll think about it,” I assured with a nod.
Planting his hand on the back of my head, he carefully brought my forehead to his lips, branding me with a token of his love.
“Is this why you’re always working every second of every day?” he wondered.
I’d never really thought about the “why” before. Slowing down made me uncomfortable; I’d felt that way for years.
Maybe it was some sort of trauma response, a way to prevent my mind from wandering down the path I hated most.
“Maybe,” I quietly uttered.
Intertwining our fingers, the gentle nod he gave made me feel so seen, so safe. He was here with me, here to help me fight off all the twisted, unwarranted thoughts that may creep in. He was everything I’d always needed, and more.
“Let’s just try to relax tonight, okay? You need a break.”
“Okay,” I quietly murmured, my heart swelling up when he pulled me closer.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Mattie,” I said. “Thanks for being here.”
“Always.”