Chapter Forty-Nine
Bang, bang, bang.
I have no idea what’s going on but it’s making the whole barn shake.
I stand up from bending over the red-and-white-check-covered tables that are spread out across the barn like a chessboard.
I rub my big round pregnancy bump and retie my apron strings above it.
I look out of the window. The sun always shines in April, according to Rosie.
April and September apparently. And she’s right.
It shone for our September festival and it’s shining again now through the windows of the barn.
The light bounces off the newly whitewashed walls.
At one end the big fire is crackling and spitting; despite the sunshine outside, it brings light and warmth inside.
‘Right, you, time to put your feet up,’ Sean comes in carrying a hammer.
‘But there’s so much to do before tonight,’ I say, but can’t resist sitting on the nearest bench.
‘It’s an end-of-season party, not a chance for you to have another fainting fit,’ says Sean. He’s right of course.
When I came round from the last one, I was in Sean’s bed.
Seven months earlier
‘I thought you’d be more comfortable in here. I can take the other room if you like.’ Sean’s holding my hand and right next to him is Grace. He strokes my head.
‘Fiona, I’m the doctor,’ says the man by the door. ‘Look, I’m not sure why you fainted, but I need to ask, is there any chance you could be pregnant?’
Sean and I look at each other wide-eyed. I’ve been so busy, I just haven’t thought …
The doctor hands me a sealed packet and withdraws diplomatically to the kitchen.
‘Look, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or feel I’m trapping you.
If I am, that is. You’re one of life’s free spirits.
I’ll be fine on my own. I’ll stay in Rosie’s chalet once Dan and Margaret have left.
’ My mouth’s dry. I gabble, ‘I didn’t think I could …
’ I’m welling up. ‘I was trapped because I was too scared just to be me. But I’m not any more,’ I smile, and even laugh a bit. He puts a finger to my lips.
‘No, neither am I.’ His face breaks into a smile and tears fill the corners of his eyes. ‘You taught me to love again, to trust again, to not be afraid. And now I’ve never wanted anything more,’ he says, and kisses my forehead. ‘So just do the test.’ He helps me towards the bathroom.
‘You need to rest,’ says the doctor, once I’m back in bed, ‘take things easy for a while. Women in the early stages of pregnancy need to look after themselves.’ He smiles, picking up his bag. ‘But I can see you’re in good hands.’ He smiles again and nods at Sean and then turns to leave.
‘Thank you, doctor.’
‘No, thank you. It’s been a wonderful day. Lovely to have the community spirit back again,’ he says. ‘Now everything is fine, but just take it easy. Rest,’ he instructs, and leaves.
‘I will.’ And frankly I can’t do anything else. Sean climbs into the bed beside me and wraps his arms around me and finally I know I’ve stopped running for good.