28. Never Let Me Go
Hayes had brought up the fears I”d been ignoring, because he was strong and confident that we could face them together and figure it all out.Of course he was. He was a Kingman. He”d never met a challenge he couldn”t plan and execute his way out of.
I”d been raised to avoid talking about problems and run away from them if possible. I was really good at that. I”d run all the way to Europe and then Asia to avoid the expectations of my life in Denver.
But we”d just made a promise to each other. No expectations. And falling in love with him had been the adventure of a lifetime. I had to believe that we would find a way to be together that didn”t mean either of us felt stuck.
But I had to be fair and admit that the way I wanted to exist in the world would mean he”d have to make compromises. It”s me, hi. I”m the problem, it”s me.
I grabbed his hand from my cheek, where he”d tried to wipe my tears, and brought it down into the water between my legs. “Tell me again how much you love me. Then show me.”
He groaned and pushed his fingers into my pussy, touching me in the way only he knew how. “I do love you. So fucking much.”
“I know.” I needed these words to affirm our feelings. I wanted to feel utterly possessed by him. Like I had the night he”d taken my ass. He”d been so feral, and I relished that side of him.
I grabbed his other hand and brought it up to my chest, where he played with my nipple, stroking, and pinching, and teasing. But it wasn”t enough. I wanted more.
I dragged his hand up, wrapping his fingers around my throat, feeling my pulse beating under his thumb. His breathing was harsh and coming so fast, and even as I soaked in his need for me, I had to have more.
“I need you fuck me like this. I want to know you have me, all of me.”
“I”ve got you, sweetheart. Always.” He pressed two fingers inside of me. “Ride my fingers, Willa. Let me feel you come.”
It wasn”t enough. “Please fuck me, Hayes.”
“I don”t have a condom. I don”t even know if it would work in this hot water.”
“We don”t need it. I”ve been on birth control for years, and I promise I”m clean.” I was not above begging. “Do you trust me enough to fuck me without one, to come inside of me?”
“Jesus, Willa.” His voice was hard like gravel now. “You know I do.”
“Then take me. Make me feel like I belong with you and no one else.” I arched my back, moving my hips backward, searching for his cock.
“Hold onto my arm.” His grip around my throat went just a hair tighter, and he used his other hand to pull my core farther back. With his fingers still in my pussy, I felt the tip of his cock press against me, and for a moment as he slid in, I forgot how to breathe.
“Fu-uck, Willa. Holy fuck.”
Exactly. I had almost reconnected my lungs and brain when he wiggled his fingers, sliding them out and his cock in deeper, and we both moaned.
“Christ, you”d better be close to coming, baby, because I”m going to fuck you hard. Are you ready?”
“Uh-huh.” I was lucky I got those two sounds out.
He didn”t even really wait for my reply before he jerked his hips against me, sliding in and out, hitting new places inside me I never even knew existed. I squeezed his hand around my throat tighter, wanting him to do the same.
“This throat is mine, Willa. Just like your pussy, just like your ass.” He pressed his thumb against my pulse, and it sent tingles all through my brain. “Later I”m going to fuck your throat, because we”ll both like it when I do.”
Yes. Yes. This was exactly what I needed. Dirty talking, possessive Hayes. Because he was the one who would never let me go no matter how hard I tried to make him.
He fucked me even harder and swirled his fingers around my clit, making me shudder. “Is that what you want, baby? Yes, or no, Willa. Don”t say no.”
“Yes, please, Hayes. Yes.”
Please don”t ever let me go.
As if he heard the thoughts inside my head, he tightened that grip on my throat and growled in my ear. “Good girl, because I”m never letting you go. You”re mine. Fuck, you”re mine.”
I didn”t just come at his words, his declaration, his claiming of me, I came apart. Every cell in my body exploded and then froze somewhere in space and time. I heard Hayes from some distant, faraway place, whispering my name, or maybe he yelled it. I didn”t know.
The only thing I did know was the way he said it meant that I belonged to him and he belonged to me, and I had to find my way back to him to make sure he knew it too.
I fell back against his chest and his hand that had been around my throat dropped across my collarbone, holding me tight against him. His other came up to join it, and I wrapped my arms around his, never wanting to let go of this possessive hug he had me in.
We sat together in the onsen, soaking up more than the healing waters. We soaked in each other”s love.
When the sky turned shades of gold, then blue and purple, Hayes picked me up, princess style, and carried me to the bed. I grabbed up the towels and slowly dried us both off, then brought over the cotton nemaki robes for us to put on.
That night we both slept like the dead, and I was sure I had some dreams, but I couldn”t quite put my finger on what they had been about. Hayes was quieter than usual in the morning, and I wanted to say it was because of the jet lag, but I knew better.
We went to the small dining hall for breakfast where we were served miso soup with freshly cooked rice, grilled fish with rolled egg omelets, nori, and pickled vegetables. I was starving and tucked in, but Hayes mostly picked at his eggs. I”d never seen him not eat so this wasn”t a good sign.
“I got a message from my dad this morning.” I was trying for some semblance of how we”d felt yesterday. “He wants us to stop at a particular shop to pick up something he”s ordered for the family.”
“That sounds good.” He stared at his food. “Maybe I can pick up some souvenirs for my family. At least something for Jules anyway.”
“We can go straight to the airport if you want to.”
His head snapped up. “I don”t want to leave. If I could, I”d stay in this perfect little bubble with you forever, Willa.”
I didn”t know what to say to that. “You”re not upset that I...”
“I will never be mad at you for being honest with me, especially not about what makes you so incredibly you.” He grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. “I”m just trying to work out how to make our lives work together. I want you to believe me when I say I”m not letting you go. You”re mine, Willa. Not in some, I own you way, but?—”
“In a soul deep, cosmic kind of way.”
He nodded and his shoulders relaxed. “Yes.”
“I know. I”m putting all my faith and trust in that smart brain of yours to figure it out for us.” I touched his forehead softly. “So don”t go and crack your head again, okay?”
He smiled, and it was almost shy, like in the early days. “I”ll do my best.”
“I”m counting on it.”
We headed back into the city center to the address of the store my dad provided. The item he wanted us to get was a big, heavy box with zero markings on it, just a pre-filled customs slip. “I hope we didn”t just become drug mules for the Yakuza or something.”
“Oh my god, don”t even joke about that.” He took the box and carried it under his arm like it weighed no more than a football. My adorable little rule follower.
The flight back should have felt long, but it went by much faster than I wanted it to. Worry churned in my chest and stomach, aching. I had a feeling that everything was going to be different in all the wrong ways when we got back, and I had no idea how to fix that. It”s not like I could up and run away to another country.
Luckily our flight put us back in Denver later in the evening and we could just crash for the night. In the morning, Hayes went to practice, or at least to see what the trainers wanted him to do, and I went back to work at the coffee shop.
The memories of our adventures, the intimate moments, and the reality of our very different lives, played on a loop in my mind, making it hard to focus on any tasks. Good thing Javier was there to pick up my slack. He was definitely getting a bonus on his next paycheck.
Near the end of the day, my dad showed up to the shop, a hesitant smile on his face.
“Hey, Dad.” I grabbed a mug and started making his usual order.
He waved off the coffee. “Were you able to bring that package I asked for?”
I nodded and had him follow me to the office. “Here it is. What kind of costumes did you order?”
He took the box, hefting it in his arms. “I need you to come over after work tonight, Willa. There”s something important I need to discuss with you and your brother.”
A knot formed in the back of my throat. The last time he”d looked this serious and we”d had a family meeting, it was when Liam told us about his illness. “Is everything okay?”
Dad shook his head, a sad smile on his face. “No, honey. Just... come over tonight, okay?”
Yikes. I messaged Hayes to see if he could come with me, but he said the doctors wanted to send him for a new scan at the hospital and to meet with the UNC again. It”s not like I could ask him to skip that to come to my parents” house.
I did a sloppy job closing up the shop that evening and once again missed Liam and George. If Dad was sick or something... No, I wasn”t going to think that. I”d just see what he wanted to talk about before I went all doom and gloom.
When I got to my parents” house, Xander”s car was already in the driveway, but Mom”s was nowhere to be seen. Huh.
Inside, Dad and Xander were sitting at the kitchen table, an uncomfortable silence hanging between them. I slid into a chair, my nerves on edge. “What”s going on, Dad? Where”s Mom?”
Dad took a deep breath, his eyes tired and sad. “Your mother has asked for a divorce.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut. Beside me, Xander let out a low curse.
“But,” Dad continued, his voice growing stronger, “I”m not giving up on this family. I”m going to fight for us, starting with being a better father to you two.”
He stood up, motioning for us to follow him into the backyard. There, spread out on the lawn furniture, were two padded sumo wrestler suits.
Oh my god. These were the costumes from Japan. No wonder the box was so heavy.
“Do you remember,” Dad said, a hint of a smile on his face, “when you two used to fight as kids, and I”d put you in those inflatable bumper balls until you worked it out?”
A grudging laugh escaped my lips. “Yeah, but barely.”
Xander crossed his arms and shook his head. “We were four, Dad.”
And if I remembered right, Mom hated them. She poked holes in them with her cooking shears so they were ruined.
Dad nodded. “It”s time we tried that again. But this time, in these.”
Xander and I protested, which was the first thing we agreed on in forever. But Dad was insistent. Somehow, he talked us into squeezing into the ridiculous suits.
We faced off, circling each other warily. Then, with a grunt, Xander charged. And when I say charged, I mean wobbled toward me. So I did the same.
This was ridiculous.
We collided, bouncing off each other and landing on our backs on the ground.
As we struggled to right ourselves, Xander totally lost it and yelled at me.
“Why do you always get to do whatever you want?” Xander yelled and tried to take a swing at me from the ground. “No expectations, no pressure. You have no idea what it”s like to have everyone watching your every move, waiting for you to screw up.”
What? I managed to get to my feet, and I used my best move of sitting on him, which sent me rolling ass over head into the grass again. “No expectations? The whole fucking world has expectations of me, Xander. I”m supposed to be pretty and thin, be smarter and get good grades, and a good daughter, and a good sister. You think it was easy for me? All I ever did was watch from the sidelines while you became the golden boy. I was never good enough for anyone.”
I’d made peace that I wasn’t ever going to fit society’s expectations of what I should look like, and decided I, me, myself would like what I looked like. That was hard, and my perfect older brother would never get it.
Xander rolled until he bumped into me. “First of all, brat, you are pretty, you’re more creative than anyone I know which also means you’re smart, and who the fuck cares if you”re thin?”
Half a point to Xan for the sincerity in his voice saying I was pretty and smart. But minus a thousand points for not noticing the bias against anyone not the Hollywood standard size and shape.
“The whole goddamn world cares, oh oblivious one. Especially when my brother is the star athlete. Do you even know how I got teased for being the chubby, dumb sister?”
I pulled up the mean girl voice in my head that was a conglomeration of every asshole who”d ever said anything cruel to me. “Guess your brother got all the good genes, huh? Looks like your brother got all the smarts, dumbass. I bet you were supposed to be triplets but you ate the other one in the womb, didn”t you? Too bad you weren”t a zombie, you could have eaten the brains too.”
Xander didn”t move. “What the fuck, beanie. Why didn”t you tell me?”
“A, if you call me beanie, or Willabean, ever again, I will suffocate you with the naked sumo wrestler ass of this suit.” I hit him in the face with my puffy arm just to emphasize that point. “And B, what would you have done if I told you? People are mean and judgy. That”s the reality of the world.”
He tried to sit up, but at this point, that was an impossibility for either of us. “I would have beat the daylights out of anyone who said shit like that to you.”
He didn”t know. He really didn”t know. “You were going to beat up half your teammates? All the cheerleaders? Our math teacher? Mom?”
“Jesus, bean... Willa.” He was quiet for a minute, and yeah, I wasn”t going to help him by saying it was all okay. Because it wasn”t. I just let my reality sink in for a minute. He laid his head back in the grass. “I... I’m sorry all that happened to you. No wonder you got the hell out of here the second you could.”
I sighed and rolled on to my back to stare up at the blue Colorado sky. Because that would explain why my eyes were getting wet. “I ran away because I couldn”t stand feeling like a disappointment all the time.”
Xan said something so quiet I almost didn”t hear. “I always felt like a disappointment to you.”
I rolled to my side, and we stared at each other, chests heaving.
“Why would you think that?” I always supported him.
“You never cared about anything I did. Even at my games, which I know Mom forced you to go to, your nose was always stuck in a book.”
Well, shit. I didn”t hide that I wasn”t the biggest fan of football. I honestly didn”t think that affected Xander in the slightest. Maybe I needed to rethink how I”d acted too.
“I”m sorry,” I said, my voice rough. “I never meant to make you feel that way.”
“I just... I wanted you to be proud of me too.” He emphasized that you. “It”s why it felt like a fucking slap in the face when you started dating Hayes. He”s the only one better than me. I saw you at the Sharks game. You were having fun cheering him on.”
“I am proud of you, Xan. I always have been. But dating Hayes doesn”t have anything to do with... you. He”s sweet, and sexy, and he loves me, faults and all.”
“Of course he fucking does. Everyone loves you, Willa. Or if they don”t, they”re fucking missing out.”
Dad came over from the sidelines where he”d been watching, letting us fight this out, his eyes misty. “I”m so sorry, kids. I”m sorry that all these expectations you thought you had to live up to hurt you so much. I”m insanely proud of the adults you”ve become despite the bullshit you both endured.”
Xan and I glanced at each other. I”m not sure either of us had ever heard Dad talk like this.
“And I”m very sorry you couldn”t come to me with your struggles. That ends today. I am here for you no matter what.”
Xander glanced at me, twin telepathy style, and put his arm up, reaching toward our father. I did the same. “I think what we”re struggling with now, Dad, is getting up off the ground.”
My dad shook his head and let out a chuckle, and I saw the gratitude in his eyes for this lifeline from us. Xan and I laughed too, the tension of the past few months finally breaking.
“Hey,” Liam”s voice floated into the backyard. “What are you guys laughing about? Is it because you”re so happy we”re home?”
Oh my god. Liam and George were home.