Chapter 31 Opening #3
“And I was confused, too,” I say. “I spent so long running that I didn’t realize how tired I was until I stopped and—it scared me, thinking that you could know me better than I knew myself.
That you saw that in me before I did. Because I think you really are the first person to understand me.
And not just me. You help people. Everyone you meet, I think.
And I’ve learned so much just from being around you.
I went to the doctor, and, and I applied to school, online classes, to be a designer.
And I shouldn’t have pushed you away, for having wanted to take care of me and everyone else, but I—I wish I could’ve been the person you told everything to.
Even if people told you not to, and it isn’t fair…
I, I wanted to be the person you cared for the most.”
Faust’s dark eyes go wide. “That, that isn’t…” He stops. Shifts, pulling me closer. “What I want shouldn’t be spoken of in past tense.”
A shiver runs through me. “What do you mean?”
“You are not temporary, Arcadia.” As he speaks, Faust keeps his eyes on me, my every breath, and I’m stunned by the vulnerability I find on his face, the hint of tears in his deep voice.
“This. What this is, how I feel—it’s not going to change.
Not tomorrow, or next year. When people—when my parents talk about love, they say they’d do it again in every lifetime.
They’d find each other. But I do it here, with this one.
Not knowing what’s next. If this is it, all we have, I pick you.
One life for certain, and mine’s yours. And I will make that clear, every day. Starting now.”
I inhale, though my throat’s almost too tight to let the air in. My heart is swelling, taking up all the extra space, making it impossible to breathe. “I don’t know yet if I’m done, for good. I want to be a designer but… I might get angry sometimes.”
A smile ghosts over his lips. “I hope you do.”
“And I might want you to help me hurt someone.”
“Gladly. As long as it’s what you want to do.”
“Or—give your money away. Would you do that, if I asked?”
“Aren’t I?” he says softly.
And it’s so perfect. A textbook fairy tale: a girl becomes a rabbit who becomes a cat who gets to become a real girl again. “But what about Bernard, and the proposal? I’m always going to be that woman who was with him first. That’s what people will think, at best.”
Thoughts move behind his eyes. “I’m sorry for what I said.
And I know you wouldn’t have, now. But you could’ve said yes to him, and I’d still be here.
He could be sitting inside that restaurant right now, surrounded by journalists, and that wouldn’t change the fact that I would give you everything I have just to keep those lights on for your sister.
And you understand that, don’t you? Why I’m not leaving the team?
Why… why you made me fall back in love with this sport? ”
He isn’t retiring? I shake my head, needing him to say it all out loud. Everything, for once, out loud.
“You’re the reason people keep lights on,” Faust exhales. “Waiting, and just, just hoping you might come by or—or notice them. Or come back and—”
I don’t make him wait any longer. With a trembling breath, I close the space between us, folding myself between his arms. Chest to chest, cheek to cheek.
“I, I was going to call you tonight and tell you that I read the journal, that I’m ready.
Because I don’t want you to stop thinking about me the way you do.
I want your mind. I want your eyes. I want to play chess with you forever.
And I want you to try to win because—because I love you, too. ”
He pulls away, his hands finding my face, cradling my jaw. “You do?”
“I do.”
Faust’s eyes search mine, looking for something I can’t describe. It only takes him a moment. “You do,” he says, with so much real, happy confidence that my chest warms from the inside out.
Then he kisses me.
I’ve been aware of how well our bodies fit together.
But this time, this kiss, feels like something new.
Like this is the first time we’re really meeting, without anything between us.
Nothing to hold back, just my arms around his shoulders, and his hand finding my hip, and his forehead grazing mine when we stop, breathless but still standing, here. Together. My perfect place.
“One more thing,” Faust says, his lips against my cheek. “Mei is wondering if you could meet us in Silverstone.”
I sway back to look at him. “She is?”
“You’ve garnered more respect than you think, sweetheart.”
Silverstone, with him, and Mei, Christine, Eddie.
Watching Faust continue to win, meeting more of his friends, showing Lilah that I did it.
I can stay. The thought is overwhelmingly sweet, like a dream I’d thought was over—and Faust must see the emotion on my face, too.
“No need to answer now. Just promised her I’d pass it along.
” As he talks, he holds out his hand, not looking down at all. He only looks at me.
“Well. I haven’t found a place to live yet.” I fiddle with my necklace charm, thinking out loud. “Since my classes don’t start until the fall…”
“Mm.”
“And they are online, so…”
“Right.”
“We could date while I work on the team?” That isn’t the right label for us—too normal, too small—but I don’t know how to say that.
And Faust smiles anyway, ever a mind reader. “Yes.”
“Yes, as in you know that we aren’t an HR violation, or yes, you’ll make them let us?”
“Yes.”
He’s still holding out his hand. And I catch Faust’s eyes when I take it, feel his fingers lace with mine. His spaces and my spaces. The lines on our palms overlapping into our very own grid, a chessboard for us to play on.
“You know what?” I say, smiling back at him. “I have been feeling lucky lately.”