The Pain We Allow (A Billionaire's Assurance Book 2)

1. Jar Of Dirt

Sitting at the hospital hours later, both Olivia and Vanessa were passed out against each other in exhaustion. Mary and Beth thoughtfully brought a change of clothes for each of them, and they were currently lying under heated hospital blankets, but the comfort of the heat only went so far.

However, the artificial warmth would never be enough to chase away the chill that had settled so bone deep that the four of them would not be able to welcome the feeling of the sun back into their life after what happened that night.

The sun was gone.

Vanessa had her head in Olivia’s lap, and Olivia had her head tilted back and on Colins’ shoulder. Colin still stared numbly.

He startled as Jonathan’s voice penetrated his musing. He swallowed back bile for the umpteenth time, feeling sick.

“Bro, that wasn’t your fault. You had a cover on the pool. It was an accident. I’m contacting the company and suing for negligence first thing tomorrow. I’ll handle this for you.” Jonathan’s warm voice drifted over him, and Colin felt his eyes burning with unshed tears.He looked over at his friend slowly, knowing his face was an impenetrable stricken mask he couldn”t crack for the life of him.

Maybe that was the problem.There was no life, as well as no sun.

“Jonathan. If I hadn’t been so persistent, if I hadn’t pressed so hard…none of this would have happened,” he lamented, his voice deepened with grief and terror for Allison.

The doctor suddenly appeared around the corner, wearily. His mouth was pulled tight, his face was pale, and what was left of any vestige of hope snuffed out like a flame that even Olivia’s aura couldn’t bring back. He groaned, a pained sound, putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, crying proper now.

Jonathan put his hand on the back of his neck, his face just as stricken.

“She’s stable,” the doctor said wearily, his elderly features standing out in sharp contrast in his face.

Colin’s breath hitched in shock as he looked up in disbelief. Jonathan’s hand squeezed his neck hard before letting go.

“But we’ll need to observe her for a while just to make sure. There’s still a chance for dry drowning and other complications,” the older man said wearily. Jonathan leaned over and shook the women awake as Colin stood slowly.

“What did you just say, doctor?” Colin asked. His voice sounded hollow to him, feeling the embers of his heart flickering shallowly, not quite wanting to ignite.

“She’s stable, son.” The doctor now turned to the women, who were both sitting up and blinking the sleep out of their eyes. “We need to keep her for a few days to monitor her brain activity, though. Who’s her mother?” he asked, glancing between the two of them, not able to tell with their red hair.

The medical team had informed the doctor that Olivia was the one doing CPR and was in the ambulance. They had to give her a sedative because she wouldn’t leave her side for them to work on Allison. She’d been too frantic.

Vanessa said quietly that she was, and the doctor pulled her to the side to speak with her alone.

Olivia looked up slowly in shock, her red hair fell in her face as she slid off her chair to her knees, sobbing. Colin walked over to her and got down on his own knees, pulling her into him, cradling her head to his chest. They were all so exhausted and emotions were running high. He gulped relieved breaths, his frozen heart suddenly beating into overdrive.

“Olivia, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive me,” he bit out against her temple, his voice hoarse as he squeezed her hard against him.

Olivia shuddered in his arms; suddenly spent as she took comfort from him.

The doctor and Vanessa walked back over to them. She crouched down and silently put her arms around Olivia and Colin before placing a kiss on Olivia’s head.

The doctor, who was still standing next to them, spoke again.“If you hadn’t jumped in there and got to her when you did, tonight would have been a different story. I was told that you jumped off a balcony to save her. Those precious seconds meant everything. Good job, you did well.” The doctor tilted his head at them in respect, and walked away.His weary countenance betraying just how close they all came to a very different outcome this night.

***

They stayed at the hospital for three days, Colin and Jonathan getting them takeout, as no one wanted hospital food. Allison’s room was bursting to the seams with flowers, balloons and stuffed animals. So much so, they started handing them off to other patients on the floor and leaving the flowers in various nursing stations. On the evening of the third day, they discharged Allison and they were able to go home.

Allison proved to be a very resilient child, bouncing back in almost no time. Olivia and Colin temporarily stayed at Vanessa’s home with her and Jonathan, who seemed to have moved in with them, abandoning his mansion. Mary stopped by a few times, bringing dinner, and wanting to see Allison for herself as she’d grown very fond of the little girl.

Allison terrorized her mother with temper tantrum requests to see her friends, making everyone’s life a living hell being stuck in the house with her so much so that Olivia decided it would be best for them to go back to their home and let her life go back to normal.

They”d come home one weeknight evening the second week of December, as the snow blanketed the property, seeing the house beautifully decorated for Christmas. The sight left her speechless, tears in her eyes. She’d been feeling so down, spending the last couple of weeks trying to repair her relationship with her sister. They’d listened to Jonathan’s suggestions to go to therapy, having made an appointment to begin after the holidays.

They tried to bounce back from the fight, all of them feeling guilty in one way or another for the events that led up to Allison’s accident.

Olivia often snuck off to the basement, finding a secluded closet where she curled up on the floor and cried a lot. She cried over the guilt from the accident with Allison. She cried because she was unable to share with Colin the true nature of her secrets, and it was eating her up inside. She wanted to trust him, but she was too scared to let him in.

And to top it all off, their sex life was suffering.

If Olivia was truly honest with herself, she missed the all-encompassing sex between her and Colin. While everything else was going back to normal, that still hadn’t. And her body craved it, but he wouldn’t give it to her. She knew he also felt incredible guilt for Allison’s accident.

While they were all holed up at Vanessa’s, they all did their best to rally around him, to let him know that no one held any animosity or blamed him, least of all her. She mostly blamed herself.

The day they had an intervention to try to snap him out of his guilt, she got on top of him and made love to him softly, sweetly, trying to show him, in her way, that she cared. He meant something to her. But she couldn’t bring herself to say the words.

And what could she say? ‘Colin, I love you, I’m a former dominatrix mistress who beat and degraded wealthy men for years to make ends meet. A lot of them are probably your colleagues by the way. Oh, and I’m also a failure who dropped out of school.’

Such a fuck up. How could he, with his status, want something like that? Something so damaged who would give him a bad name? She’d think to herself.

Now they were back home, looking at all the magnificent Christmas trees throughout the house, and Colin’s eyes stung seeing her look wide eyed at all of them beautifully decorated, except for one in the lounge by the kitchen. Mary left that one alone for them to decorate together. Looking outside, Olivia silently observed the new wrought iron fence with a padlock that Colin had thoughtfully erected around the pool while they were gone.

It looked stark and depressing next to the white of the snow.

At the sight of the fence, Olivia closed herself in the toilet closet of their bathroom and cried. Realizing that Colin wouldn’t bother her when she was in that little room. In there, her tears and emotions were safe to let out. She felt fresh feelings of inadequacy swamp her.

Not a good aunt, couldn’t even be a good student, and maybe she wasn’t a good girlfriend? Was there anything she could do right? All these thoughts swirled inside her head.

Abandoning the lingering trauma, Colin attempted to lift their spirits by dragging her out of the house and spending a full morning together the next day outside with mugs of hot chocolate, creating snow angels, snowmen, and chasing each other in snowball fights.

Colin tackled her to the ground and kissed her pink lips passionately, pressing rather a lot of his body weight into hers and she thought this was it. It was going to end their dry spell. She wanted it rough; she was getting antsy and needy; but still, he denied her what she needed. He then hauled her off to a decorating store, to buy special ornaments for the tree that they spent the night decorating, the movie White Christmas playing in the background while they wrapped presents to put under the tree.

Perfectly and undeniably festive, yet still, she remained incomplete.

Olivia became so frustrated she couldn’t even orgasm normally, their sessions pleasing her less and less. And Colin didn’t dare complain, not wanting to push her. Not after what happened on Thanksgiving. He’d never overplay his hand regarding her and risk anything like that happening ever again.

Christmas morning came, and they celebrated the morning at Vanessa’s home with a huge breakfast, fresh squeezed orange juice and so many presents. They were all sitting around the fireplace, a Christmas playlist going as they all exchanged gifts. Colin smirked and scoffed at Jonathan’s gift to him; a villa in the south of France. All the housing details were in a festive folder that was wrapped in a green ribbon.

“Who gives a house as a present, bro?” Colin joked, secretly thankful. He couldn’t stand buying properties out of the country.

“Uhm, you gifted me my house. Remember?” Vanessa teased.

“Nah, your sister worked that one off already, trust me,” he shot back, a wicked grin on his face as he glanced over at Olivia who blushed and looked away with a little eye roll.

Colin was happy to see that the tension between the four of them was completely gone, and terribly happy that he had the foresight to gift Jonathan a brand spanking new blue Ferrari, complete with a big red bow, and a baby seat in the back. The trunk boasted all kinds of baby paraphernalia, and he’d finished the look off with an enormous pink binky hanging from the rearview mirror. He ran for his life when Jonathan saw that. The big guy had a vicious hand for not being in the lifestyle.

One thing they all agreed on, was Allison made out like a bandit. She was completely covered in toys and loving all of them. Now ready to celebrate her sixth birthday in the next couple of months.

Allison’s favorite gift was Vanessa and Jonathan telling her that she was going to be a big sister. And Olivia’s heart pricked, wondering if it would ever be her turn to have that sort of happiness. Colin was quick to turn her thoughts elsewhere, and she was shocked speechless at her gift of the office building he’d started planning for her. He held back telling her about the meeting with the Architect CEO in a couple days, wanting it to be a surprise.

She looked at him almost like he grew two heads.

“Colin,” she smiled hesitantly, “You must have some kind of faith in me, mister,” she breathed, passing her hand over the documents to the building almost reverently. As if she was scared to touch it, to want it too much.

Olivia’s gift to Colin was a jar of dirt, which made him tackle and tickle her until she almost peed herself. And a framed collage of the two of them filled with three photos of them kissing during Halloween, kissing during Thanksgiving, and kissing in front of their Christmas tree. His eyes pricked as he tried not to cry. She didn’t know how much he cherished photographs, and a part of him came so close to sharing a picture of his mother. But he held back, knowing that if he shared anything about his family, then he’d have to tell her about the accident.

And because things were so fragile between them, he didn’t want to risk it.

Jonathan gifted Olivia with a beautiful leather-bound, signed, first edition of the Grimm”s Complete fairy tale book. Olivia ran to the big man, crying all over him. He chuckled and patted her back affectionately.

Vanessa gifted him with a slapper whip, which he promptly slapped her with. Lightly of course, he didn’t want Jonathan to kill him with one of those torture techniques he shared with him that one time. He in turn gave Vanessa a lifetime all you can eat certificate to her favorite Italian eatery. Vanessa gasped, jumping up and down for joy, practically screaming.

Colin shook his head, chuckling at her antics. Food was this woman’s love, Lord.

It was a beautiful holiday full of love and joy.

***

Colin was seriously regretting the decision not to tell Olivia about the meeting with the architect when he called her while he was finishing up at the office a few days later. He explained there was a last-minute dinner that he needed her to attend with him. He rifled through the copies of her work that he made, wanting to show the man in person.

Colin had crafted Olivia a short portfolio, complete with the most breath-taking picture of her in the front.

He was taken aback when Olivia told him she was going to take Allison to the theater. She bought her tickets to see a play and wouldn’t be able to attend. He froze in his seat, his ankle over his knee as he looked at the framed collage of them on his desk.

“Olivia, I really, really need you to come to this meeting. Don’t make me beg baby,” he said softly, veiling his rising irritation easily, in favor of trying to be sensible. A concept that was coming harder and harder by the day to accomplish. It felt like forever since they played, and he was in serious pain. Denying them what they both needed because after Allison’s accident, he didn’t want to rock the boat.

She didn’t tell him she loved him, didn’t even tell him she cared for him and still hid things from him. Not to mention Colin was pretty sure she’d been sneaking off to cry, but he didn’t want to press her on the issues after the accident. He wanted her to come to him, like the day she shared her story about her mother with him. Between those things, and the shit he’d been dealing with already, he didn’t want to risk ruining what little foundation he’d come to build with her.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t drop this. I promised Ally and she’s been looking forward to this. And I’ve barely been spending time with her the last couple months,” Olivia stated softly.

“What play? Can you get tickets for tomorrow instead?” Colin asked sharply. Holding the phone away for a second and sucking his teeth as he heard her say it was their last night in the theater for the season. His chest burned, and his fingers twitched with the need to snatch her through the phone.

“Olivia,” he said roughly, leaning forward in his chair and planting his feet on the floor. His irritation getting the best of him. “I need you there. I don’t ask for much,” he nudged.

“I know, that’s the problem isn’t it. You don’t fucking ask for anything anymore! Have a nice dinner, I’ll be home by ten,” and with that, the line went dead. Colin pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it incredulously, as if he’d dreamt it. His head cocked contemplatively to the side as he leaned back again in his chair. After a bit he got up, jerked the lapels of his suit jacket, grabbed her portfolio, and tapped it once on the desk before walking to the door. He made the decision to attend the dinner and pitch Olivia without her presence, believing her work was good enough. And then he’d go home to prepare for her.

If she wanted it rough, then that’s what she’d get.

He got into his personal elevator in his office and headed down to leave for the day, giving himself permission for the first time to let his demons come out to play.