9. Colin
Denial…
No
***
Nothingness…
God, please help me.
***
Grief…
Sobs.
***
Faithlessness…
”No quiero vivir más, no puedo soportarlo...”
I don”t want to do this anymore…
***
Anger…
In their closet, Colin leaned over his phone, watching the video of them kissing in front of their Christmas decorations. He”d tortured himself watching the onslaught of videos they”d taken together and his hand shook with anger. With narrowed eyes, he threw his phone across the room with a shout.
”You fucking bitch!”he yelled.
Sinking to the floor, Colin angrily kicked over Olivia”s basket of used laundry that he”d ordered Beth not to touch. Crying big heaving breaths, he slowly gathered all of her clothes off the floor and into his arms, dumped them on their bed, crawled in between the sheets, wrapped himself around her clothes, and pressed his face into her pillow. He let himself cry for long minutes until he heard the master bedroom door open.
”Mijo?” He stilled, hearing Mary”s voice. ”Mijo, it”s Mary.”
He tensed and fisted his hands around the fabric he was gripping, hearing Mary come into the dark room. She”d moved into the guest bedroom down the hall temporarily, as no one had trusted him enough to be left alone after Olivia left.
Colin stayed silent, clenching his fingers harder around her clothes as he felt Mary”s presence getting closer and closer, approaching his back. He winced as she clicked the bedside lamp on and leaned over him, putting her hand on his hair as she stroked it lightly. Groaning past the deep throbbing cavern that used to house his heart, he attempted to speak past the pain. ”Madre…” He squeezed his eyes shut as he clutched her clothes impossibly closer.
”It”s ok, mijo, I”ve got you.” Mary crawled into bed next to him and propped herself up on the headboard and pulled his head into her lap, clothes and all. ”El dolor no dura siempre, mi amor.”
Pain does not always last, my love.
”Mary, was I such a bad husband? Why did she leave me? Am I really that easy to abandon?”
”No Mijo…she was hurt, baby. You both were. She”ll be back.”
”I don”t think so, Mary…you have no idea how hard it was to earn her trust. I knew better. I fucking knew better, but I was going to tell her. I was going to tell her everything. Our therapy appointment was only a few days away. Less than a week. I was going to tell her everything.”
I was going to tell her everything.
***
Terror…
Colin”s eyes went wide, seeing the body laid out in the hospital room. They were about to pull the plug on the redhead but were trying to exhaust all familial opportunities. He was their last call.
Jonathan looked over at him.
“Brother, we’re going to find her. We need you to stay strong.”
Beep….beep…..beep….
Colin”s chest caved in. He couldn”t breathe. He turned on his heel and walked out of the room, out of the hospital and into the night.
”Leave me the fuck alone. Get away from me!”
He turned and swung at Jonathan, who had run and caught up to him down the parking lot where he was headed for the highway.
”I”m not fucking letting you do this to yourself, you dumbass!” Jonathan roared, ducking another punch and hurling himself into Colin”s torso, knocking them both over onto the concrete. Jonathan straddled Colin and gave him three almost bone shattering punches to the face.
***
Hopelessness…
Colin bowed his head, sobbing. Vanessa sank down to her knees on the floor of the living room with him as she her arms around him. She looked over his shoulder, catching Jonathan’s eyes, tears in her own.
“Vanessa, the body they found… it wasn’t her…she’s still alive,” Jonathan said gently, lowering to his knees in front of his friend.
His broken friend.
Colin clutched Vanessa tighter, groaning.
“It’s going to be okay. We’re all going to be okay,” Vanessa whispered, trying her best to soothe him. “We’re family and we’re going to make it through this.”
Her own voice broke, unsure of her words. Hoping it was true.
***
Emptiness…
“We’re done wallowing.Come with me. If you don’t, I’m calling emergency services and having you committed tonight. I mean it this time.”
Colin turned his head from his spot on the floor in his windowless room, his eyes haunted as they met Jonathan’s.
“I’m just going to let him beat the shit out of me, get it over with,” he said quietly, his voice hollow.
“Then let’s go. Alex is waiting.” Jonathan”s voice was hard as he stood there above Colin. His arms were crossed and his brow remained furrowed, letting his friend know he meant business.
Jonathan waited until Colin pushed himself off the floor before exiting the room.
***
Numbness…
Colin made his way into the luxury boxing gym behind Jonathan, veering into the locker room to stash his things while Jonathan greeted the tall, well-built psychiatrist. Alone momentarily with his thoughts, he wrapped his hands quickly before pulling on his boxing gloves, trying to think of something, anything other than his missing wife.
His runaway wife.
The wife that ran out on him because he betrayed her. Colin’s eyes stung with unshed tears.
He’d stopped crying almost a week ago, and shortly after, Jonathan became scared.
Colin blinked, feeling hollow. However, he was definitely not scared.
He turned to make his way to the boxing ring.
***
Pain…
Colin watched as Alexander faced him head on, assessing him carefully before speaking. In a rare move, Colin scrunched his nose in displeasure at how violating his eyes were.
“Now, I’m going to let you decide how far this goes tonight. All I’m going to promise you is that I’m not going to hold back. It’s your face, your body. Jonathan paid me well to provide this service and I’m nothing if not thorough. If you get beat into the ground tonight, then that’s on you. Not me.”
Colin stood in the middle of the ring, leaning against the ropes. Numb, he eyed the tall, brown-haired athletic psychiatrist with the wicked jawline and strong disposition.
He felt no fear.
Pushing off the ropes, Colin threw Jonathan a rather nasty look as anger suddenly sparked within him, wanting to beat his ass instead for making him do this.
Alexander strode up to him swiftly, getting into his face. Colin met the man’s abnormally striking blue eyes boldly. Any other person would find him intimidating, but not Colin.
The only eyes who had ever intimidated him were his wife’s.
Colin’s lips tightened as his nostrils flared, his blood pressure rising just thinking about her. He blinked, feeling a tugging at his hands as Alexander pulled his gloves off roughly.
“If you’re going to die, die like a man. And fight me like a man. Make her proud as you go, coward,” he said to him deathly quietly, his eerily cold blue eyes flashing.
Colin’s eyes snapped to Alexander’s as his fist flew up, hitting air as Alexander ducked easily out of the way.
“That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s go,” Alexander swung forward fast and Colin felt his head crack to the side. Grabbing his cheek hard on a shocked grunt, he turned his head slowly to look at the cold ass psychiatrist.
He felt secure in the pain Alexander provided.
He felt solace in something his wife loved. For once, he embraced the pain tightly, letting it keep him alive instead of destroying him.
Letting it nurture him.