22. Parental Reckonings
“Hey Jonathan, yo’ what’s up, you good?” Colin was sitting in his study going over some paperwork for his company when Jonathan’s ringtone lit up the silent area.
“Yes,” Jonathan replied in a solemn tone. Colin felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and he put his papers down at the almost wary tone that was present in his friend’s voice. “But I have something to tell you, my friend.”
“What is it? Are the girls okay?” Colin felt his heart begin to race as he sat forward, about to jump up out of his seat to find Olivia.
“Yes… but, Colin… it’s your father, Henry.”
There were a tense few moments of silence while Colin’s heart decided to slow down and skip a beat instead. He swallowed hard as all the blood drained from his face, leaving him slightly lightheaded. Out of all the things in the world he would have expected his friend to present him with, this was not in the realm of possibilities.
“What do you mean, my father? What are you talking about, Jonathan?” Colin worked hard to try to keep his voice level, but the strain was present.
“I don’t mean to have kept this from you brother, but…I’ve been keeping tabs on your father for you. I know you said you didn’t want to have anything to do with him and I respected that. But I thought it might be smart to have a general idea of his whereabouts just in case anything happened…”
Of course you fucking did, Jonathan. Colin thought to himself, leaning forward and placing his head wearily in his hand.He took a deep breath, weary of the extent his friend meddled, but knew that he was right more often than not. He chose not to let it bother him. “And?”
“And he’s in a hospital in New York, dying of late-stage pancreatic cancer. I just thought you should know so you could…” Jonathan went silent, not sure how to approach his best friend’s feelings.“I am truly sorry if I’ve overstepped my boundaries regarding this, but I know how this bothers you deep down inside. Brother, you have a chance for closure if you should want it. But if you do, you need to hurry. It doesn’t seem Henry’s got very long.”
Colin cleared his throat and sat back in his chair with a deep huff, feeling his eyes prick with unshed tears. “Thank you, Jonathan. Please send me the information so I can inform our security team. I’ll let you know what I end up doing.” And with that, he hung up the phone. Placing it softly on the desktop, he let his eyes meander to his picture wall, where he’d put the canvases that had previously been hung in his guesthouse. The image of his dad stared back at him.Healthy. What would he look like sick?
Giving the canvas a few more seconds of perusal, he picked his phone back up when he saw Jonathan had texted him the information for his father and he got up swiftly, heading out the door to speak to his team and grab Olivia.
***
Three hours later, Colin walked into the hospital room with Olivia hanging back in the hallway, feeling his stomach drop further with every step as the end of his father’s bed came into view. He paused, hearing the muted click of his shoes on the tile mixing with the muted beeping of the monitors in the dimmed lighting of the room.
He felt Olivia’s presence, even though he didn’t physically have her next to him. He was nervous and wanted to approach his father alone, terrified of the depth of emotions he feared would consume him.
Swallowing thickly, he closed his eyes, feeling his throat clog up as the old feelings of inadequacy swamped him suddenly, and he could hear his father yelling the last words he ever heard him speak at him like it was yesterday.
“You’re worthless! You killed her! YOU! You’re not my son anymore! Get out of my sight.”
Colin’s hand fisted as he took a steadying breath and resumed walking deeper into the room, seeing his father”s hands, his arms, and then his head come into view. He stopped just as his father”s gray eyes flickered heavily, aware that he was no longer alone in the room.
“Hey Dad,” Colin said, his deep voice sounding unsure, but no longer bitter. Pity began to swell inside him as he locked eyes with the man he’d last seen twenty-three years ago. Surprise filled him with how dilapidated he looked. Weak. No longer the boisterous, strapping, broad man he’d remembered from his adolescence.
“Son?” Henry McDermont’s gaunt face filled with surprise as he took Colin in. His face showed disbelief and then sorrow suddenly pulled his features tight. “Oh Colin, please tell me that’s you, that I’m not hallucinating again.” He began to sob, closing his eyes and putting shaking fingers to the bridge of his nose, letting out a ragged exhale before suddenly fumbling for the nurse’s button.
“Help me! I’m seeing things again.” Henry suddenly groaned, trying to hit the button on the cord to summon the nurse.
Colin crossed the few feet of space between them, grabbing the cord and pulling it away. He placed his hand over his father’s shaky, frail one.
Why didn’t I reach out sooner?Colin lamented to himself sadly, feeling his father’s clammy skin underneath his fingertips.
“Colin?! It’s really you?” Henry gasped, his eyes tightening as he laid there, trying to maneuver himself to get a better look, but he was just too weak. Colin leaned further into his eyesight and let his father lock eyes with him momentarily before he stepped back. He turned his face away and cleared his throat, which suddenly clogged up, seeing the depth of regret in his father”s eyes.
It was painful to see.
“Yes Dad, I’m here. I would ask how you’re doing but…it doesn’t look like that really needs to be answered,” Colin said softly. Looking to the side and seeing a recliner, he reached for it, dragging it over to the bed. Sitting, he tugged the lapels of his suit jacket before placing an ankle over a knee and making himself comfortable.
Henry shook his head minutely, taking a deep breath and looking like the very action was tiring him out.
“I’m not doing good, son. I’ve missed you so much. So much, I am so sorry. I have so many regrets.” Henry laid his head back against the pillow, taking another gasping breath, collecting himself. “I’ve been following you for a while, but you became really successful, and I didn’t want you to think I was just showing up because of your status.” He turned his eyes to Colin again, a tear fell out and down his cheek making Colin’s chest tighten with pain. “Son, I am so e-extraordinarily p-proud of you. And your mother would be too. I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to humble myself enough to be there when you needed me the most.” Henry’s next breath sounded painful.
Colin sat there silently with his gaze tight on the floor. He put his fist against his lips as he struggled to process his father, giving him the closure he’d spent years praying for. Leaning forward, he bowed his head and clasped his hands between his knees. Lost in his thoughts and memories, he startled, feeling a soft hand land on the back of his neck.
Olivia.
Settling immediately, he reached out to his father and placed his hand around his, making the older man turn his head to the side warily, opening his eyes which rounded as he saw Olivia.
“I’ve died?” he whispered, his eyes going wide.
Olivia smiled and shook her head. “No sir, you’re still with us. I’m Colin’s wife, Olivia. It’s nice to meet you,” she said, leaning forward herself and placing her hand over Colin”s and squeezing Henry’s fingers.
Henry’s mouth fell open.
“Do Elena and I have grandkids?” the man gasped, his face looking incredulous. Colin glanced up, piercing him with his stare.
“Not yet, dad,” Colin said, his voice coming out stronger with the realization his father never moved on, stuck in the pain of the past. He’d seemingly died right along with her all those years ago. Jonathan’s information had revealed that he’d never remarried, had no more kids, and worked as a janitor in a middle school until he’d come down with cancer.
Henry visited Elena’s grave and had dinner in the cemetery three times a week, every week, until he couldn’t make the trip anymore.
Colin’s heart suddenly ached for him. He knew what it would be like to fall into a well of misery that seemed never ending. It didn’t take but four months to feel like he was an empty shell of the man he once was when Olivia had been gone. Though it still hurt, a fresh understanding entered his heart regarding his father. He had to endure twenty-three years without the love of his life.
“Son…do you forgive me?” he gasped tiredly, his face looking sunken in as he reached out his other hand for him. “I love you so much. You’re my boy, my only boy. I was so foolish…so foolish. Of course…it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. I was wrong… I wasn’t strong enough for you, not a man,” Henry moaned, his head lolling against the pillow as he squeezed his eyes shut and then a lone tear fell out of his eye, spilling onto his cheek. His breaths labored, his chest falling and rising raggedly, and his broad hand shook in Colin’s.
Colin bowed his head again, placing his head into his hand as he was suddenly overcome himself, his body trembled, and he swallowed back a sob.
“I forgive you, of course I forgive you dad. I love you too. You’ll always be my father, siempre. La Muerte no cambiara eso, papi. La distancia tampoco. Te amo,” Colin gritted out.
Death wont change that. Distance didn’t either. I love you.
“I love you too son...my boy-” Henry’s weak voice suddenly trailed off.
Colin rocked in the chair, struggling with trying to hold back in his tears. When he looked up, his dad was gone, and his hand went slack in his. The monitor beeped, showing no heart activity.
Colin’s tears broke free at the knowledge he hadn’t been too late.
Olivia bent down, kissing the top of his head and running her hand soothingly down his back as he heaved big breaths, feeling the pain washing over him in overwhelming waves.
“Honey,” Olivia said softly, squatting down and placing herself in front of him. She placed her forehead against his. “I’m here baby,” she squeezed his hands and pressed closer, putting her head onto his shoulder and sighing when Colin suddenly banded both arms around her and let out a tortured sound. He hauled her to him tightly and shuddered. Olivia felt his tears hot on her shoulder.
“They’re together now, him and your mom. They’re happy, there’s peace here. I can feel it, love,” she whispered, rocking him, pressing her lips to his neck and breathing him in.
“I would never live that long without you,” Colin said suddenly, pulling back. “I refuse, Olivia. If you go, I go,” he said simply, knowing it was true.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, my love,” Olivia whispered as the nurse came in, alerted that Henry was gone. They ignored her, lost in comforting each other.
“We’re going to get through this. Carmichael can’t win, he won’t,” Colin said, placing his hand on the side of her face. Olivia nodded, the sadness in her heart pulsing, feeling like a thorn was shoved in there that she couldn’t remove.
She wondered if she ever would.
Colin stood up, holding his hand out for her and helping her up gently. She watched as he turned his eyes back to his father and then reached forward, running his hand down the back of his dad’s head, feeling his hair before pulling away.
They made the two hour drive back in silence, after Colin had settled his father’s instructions away. His funeral would be in a few days, and he would be buried next to his mother. Colin planned on having a tombstone of the two of them sitting on a bench, facing every sunrise and sunset together.
They arrived home and Olivia ran a bath, undressing Colin quietly and treating him to soft kisses all over his body. She murmured to him gently and held him while they sat in the hot water, and she pressed her ear against his chest, feeling his heartbeat steadily against her ear, thanking God for His strength and praying that He would keep them all safe.
***
A few days later, Olivia stood at the cherry wood casket with Colin, holding hands with him while he said his final goodbyes to his father before the ushers closed the casket and replaced the flowers on top. Through the lace on her black veil, she regarded his solemn face tightly and looked over at her sister, Jonathan, and Allison who were sitting on the front pew, dressed all in black when suddenly Vanessa let out a gasp and jerked, looking down.
Olivia’s jaw dropped, and Colin turned, looking over seeing something was going on. His hand tightened on hers as Jonathan suddenly stood up and glanced at him briefly before turning his attention back to Vanessa.
“My water just broke. Ohhh my God, I am so sorry Colin,” she whispered, struggling to stand up and then yelping slightly as Jonathan picked her up swiftly in his arms. Colin turned and spoke to the funeral director quietly before turning and grabbing Allison with his other hand. He pulled Olivia and Allison after him as he began to walk briskly to the entrance of the cathedral they were in.
“Let’s go!” he said sharply, jerking his head at their security. “Where there’s death, there’s life,” he said almost reverently as he led the way out the door, waiting for Zero to go first. He yanked open the door to their armored SUV and ushered them in.They drove off, headed to the Sinclair household, to watch baby Ian be born.
“Is my brother coming?” Allison said, looking over from her spot in her booster seat, she had a big smile on her face, showing she was missing two teeth.
Olivia looked over at her and grabbed her hand smiling.
“Yes baby, little Ian will be here anytime today! Are you as excited as I am?” she leaned in and whispered conspiratorially to her as Allison giggled and nodded her head. “You know, you’ll always be my little girl right, no one will ever take your place, especially some stinky little boy,” Olivia wrinkled her nose at the little girl, and they all shared a laugh until Allison spoke again.
“I know momma.”
The car went quiet, and Allison turned her head to look out the window at the trees whizzing by. Olivia turned shocked eyes to Colin who furrowed his brow and gave her a ‘what the hell look’.
“Allison, baby… did you just call me momma…” Olivia whispered, her face going pale.
Allison looked over at her. “Yes, a pretty angel came to me when I was in the pool and said my mommy was coming to get me, and she would keep me warm while we waited for you.” She turned her head back to the window. “But, I still want to live with mommy, and daddy, and baby Ian.I love my little brother,” she said simply.
Olivia leaned back in her seat with wide eyes and reached out a shaky hand to Allison, wrapping her fingers with hers, staying silent.Colin reached back in concern and placed a hand on her leg, seeing her stare rather blankly off in the distance with a shocked expression on her face. A tear fell from her eye and to her breast, soaking the fabric there. Making himself stay quiet, he gave her knee a squeeze and as soon as they got to the house he jumped out, ripped Olivia’s car door open and hauled her out and to him, hugging her to him hard.
He bent to her lips, kissing her softly. He rubbed his hands through her hair, trying to soothe her.
“Amor, are you okay?” he asked quietly, seeing her face still pale. She sniffled and nodded her head, bringing up a shaky hand to wipe a tear away. Her green eyes looked tortured as they met his chocolate colored ones.
“I am, but this isn’t about me right now. Please let’s just be here for Vanessa and Jonathan right now.”
Colin nodded, giving her another soft kiss, seeing Jonathan carry Vanessa out of the SUV and another vehicle pull up with their doula. They helped Allison out of the car, and they all went inside the big mansion to watch life enter the world.
***
“Push Nessie! Fucking PUSH!” Olivia gasped into Vanessa’s ear as she felt her squeeze her hand so hard that a knuckle cracked.She’d done exactly what she said she wouldn’t do and got in the birthing tub with her. And there was goo everywhere.
She wiggled her toes, feeling them brush Jonathan’s knee who was in there with them.The only ones who weren’t were Colin and Allison. Colin said he had to draw the line somewhere, and Allison turned her nose up at the nasty water as she sat there quietly with her hand in Colin”s.
Vanessa let out a pained groan and a whimper. “Oh my God, I’m going to die!” she lamented loudly before letting out another scream. Her face turned bright red as she suddenly cut off her screams and pushed hard. Olivia winced, her eyes sliding over to Colin’s in sympathy. Vanessa collapsed, leaning back against Olivia weakly. Tears were trailing down her face.
“No you’re not mommy! That man that was at the church today said you were going to be fine.”
“Huh?”Olivia and Vanessa said the word at the same time, throwing Allison a confused glance.
“What man? Someone talked to you? When? How?” Vanessa gaped at Jonathan, who suddenly looked angry. “We had security everywhere! Who the hell could have talked-”
Olivia’s eyebrows raised as Vanessa let out a sharp scream and contorted her body in the tub and Olivia gagged as some goo got stuck to her arm. She blinked her watering eyes away and sniffed, swallowing the nausea that was threatening to spew forth.
“No, the man that was in the pretty shiny box, he’s right there. See?”Allison turned and pointed a few feet away from Colin. “He doesn’t look like that though, like how he was in the box. He looks kinda like Uncle Colin, except there was a pretty lady with him. She said she loves you, Uncle Colin. She’s reaallllyyy pretty.” Allison had a goofy smile on her face as she clutched her beyond destroyed pink bunny to her chest. Her eyes looked far away as she stared off into the corner of the room they were in.
Colin stiffened and turned to look behind him, the hair on the back of his neck standing up as he glanced over to where she was looking. As if he expected to suddenly be able to see spirits.
Everyone went quiet as they turned too, to look where she was pointing. There was nothing.
“Allah…” Jonathan breathed, looking between Vanessa and Colin.
Vanessa suddenly gritted her teeth and bore down hard, straining silently.
“Ohhhh there’s the head. Just give us a few hard pushes dear.” The doula announced, plunging her hand in the water and feeling in between Vanessa’s legs who was now gasping. She looked up at them. “You’d be surprised how often this happens; kids have the ability to see a lot of stuff.They tend to lose that as they get older, though. Some don’t. Ah, okay daddy, ready to catch your son?” She stood back, wiping her hands on a towel as Jonathan positioned himself between Vanessa’s legs.
Olivia shuddered, knowing a bunch of other gunk was about to fly out along with the baby, and she locked eyes with Colin and gave him a weak smile. It was seriously something special they were sharing and despite how disgusted she felt, she knew she’d never forget this day. He gave her a smile back, reaching out a dry hand to touch her check as he held her gaze and she knew what he was thinking in that moment.
When was it going to be their turn?
Olivia wasn’t sure, but she was positive it wasn’t going to be in a tub where she could feel all the yucky stuff floating and sticking to her skin. She gasped, breaking her eye contact with Colin and smiled brightly, seeing the baby come out and into Jonathan’s arms. Vanessa sagged against her once more and she gave her a smacking kiss against her cheek.
“Thank you, sis.” Vanessa panted tiredly, smiling as Jonathan raised baby Ian out of the tub and laid him on her chest before the doula got to work on the baby, cleaning and suctioning. “I know you think it’s disgusting but I couldn’t have done this without you. I love you.”
“I love you too, Nessie, sisters forever.”
“Sisters forever.” Vanessa giggled as they both looked down at baby Ian, who was now crying.
Olivia ran a finger down his cheek and arm, remembering the day she had Allison. It was the happiest day of her life.She felt a tear fall down her face and she sniffled, closing her eyes briefly against the memory. She opened them again and found Allison, who was staring at her brother with such a look of adoration that she felt that place inside her heart shift. The place that held so much hurt, and made her cry almost daily. The pain suddenly lessened, its vicious grip easing away from her as Allison’s eyes filled with so much joy at the sight of her brother. She clutched her bunny to her chest hard and kept glancing at the water as if she wanted to get in.
“Ok, little one. Let’s do this,” Colin said in his deep confident voice. He suddenly reached forward and helped Allison out of her shoes and toed his own off before picking her up in his arms and stepping carefully into the bath.
Olivia’s mouth dropped, seeing him settle with Allison into the tub, and she swallowed back tears as Allison leaned forward and put her lips to the back of baby Ian’s head. Colin turned his eyes and caught her gaze, love pouring into her from his, and he reached a hand out and laid it heavily on the back of her head, squeezing tightly.
Overcome, Olivia placed her face against Vanessa’s shoulder and openly sobbed, beginning to heal.
And yes, healing is painful, too.