The Pain We Nurture

Everybody But You

The next morning Johnathan woke him up with a text. He slept in late, not able to fall asleep for a long time, his brain not letting it go.

Bro, is she freaking serious? Did Olivia tell you about this shit? -J-Dawg

What are you talking about? I just woke up. -C. Kent

APPARENTLY we can’t eat until Thanksgiving dinner, it’s tradition. Oh, and your girl is already cooking. It’s eight! Everything’s going to be burnt by five. And she’s putting something in a pot that makes last night’s mac and cheese look like a prime rib comparatively. -J-Dawg

He tried to type as he got up to pull on his clothes, but Johnathan beat him to it.

Get your fucking ass down here right now before I come up there and beat your goddamn ass through the floor and shove that nasty ass fucking mac and cheese down your throat and choke you with it. -J-Dawg

Knowing he was serious, and slightly afraid of Johnathan’s background as a torture specialist for the government, Colin’s heart raced as he tripped down the stairs in his hurry. Recovering quickly, he rounded to the foyer where he saw Johnathan trying to weasel pancakes out of Allison’s plate, who was currently not in the mood to share.

Colin caught his eye as he turned the corner and saw Vanessa determinedly trying to work his espresso machine. His eyes widened, seeing Olivia place the biggest turkey he’d ever seen in his life in his oven while she was speaking to Johnathan.

“Bro! You have really got to stop it with the Halal shit. We know. We’re not going to poison you; I bought beef to go into the greens, okay? Jesus,” Olivia said breathlessly, closing the oven door and wiping her hands down the front of her apron.

Happy Thanksgiving balloons were blown up in the kitchen area nook, and polaroid pictures of them all were stuck to the balloons. It was cheap looking, but perfect. Colin rounded the island and greeted everyone, giving Allison a kiss on the top of her head. She was reluctantly holding out a sliver of pancake on a fork for Johnathan.

“Happy Thanksgiving baby,” he whispered when he got to Olivia, who was furiously stirring something in a pot. She gave him a sweet kiss as he leaned over to peek in, his stomach turning. Swallowing thickly, he turned and gratefully grabbed a pre-made mimosa.

He jerked his head at Johnathan, who was currently throwing daggers his way, absolutely seething.

“Hey, when Olivia’s done getting the food together, we can go downstairs and swim while we watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on the television. I just had four big monitors mounted. We can put the game on, a Disney show, or both…whatever,” he announced, letting the girls know he and Johnathan were going to go to the lower floor to get it ready.

The girls nodded, each distracted by their respective tasks. He took the opportunity to sneak a couple cartons of leftover lo mein noodles from the fridge and exited the kitchen, him and Johnathan taking the elevator. They snuck into the lower-level full working kitchen where he’d had a couple extra refrigerators, a deep freezer, and a small dining room table.

“Dude, I’ve never in my life ate something like that before, how do you fuck mac and cheese up that bad?” Johnathan said, taking a seat and shoveling the cold noodles in mouth gratefully, not even bothering to warm it up. “I mean I actually got a migraine after we went to bed, couldn’t even touch Vanessa. I thought you were going to have to take me to the hospital.”

“I have no clue. No one told you to eat a fucking whole plate. Vanessa and I didn’t,” he responded. He checked his texts for the instructions that Vanessa had sent him about how to schedule the food warm-up process, so she knew how to start switching out different dishes.

Is she going to notice the turkey is a slightly different size? I’ll have you know, I don’t really like lying to her like this. It is important to me that she trusts us. -C. He texted her.

He paused at the irony of the situation. He felt bad about catering a dinner but couldn’t tell her about the accident.

No, I normally carve it, so we don’t need to worry about that. Colin, she will be devastated if we hurt her feelings this way. I know you respect her and want her trust, but I need you to help keep this family secret tradition going. Grandpa and I used to do the same thing. Relax bro.-Nessie

“Well, excuse me for trying to impress the girl’s sister,” Johnathan said, rolling his eyes and going to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. Colin looked on in amusement as his eyes widened in delight at all the catered Thanksgiving food he’d stashed there. Grabbing the bottle, Johnathan turned and looked Colin up and down.

“And since we”re talking about screw ups, let’s talk about that little slip up last night,” Johnathan said lightly before landing his observant eyes on Colin’s face.

Colin was busy trying to turn the oven to the correct temperature. Pointedly ignoring him. That niggling feeling came back full force at the mention of his ”slip up”.

“I mean, I’ve heard of women cooking so good that they evoke a love confession… but she managed to do that while she simultaneously poisoned us,” his friend joked, trying to lighten the mood. Colin continued to ignore his friend, stepping around him to grab the turkey from the refrigerator.

Johnathan stepped closer, grasping his shoulder affectionately. “Bro, do you really love her?” he probed, decidingly not letting him ignore his question.

Colin stopped in the process of putting the turkey on warm in the oven. He glanced up at his oldest, most trusted friend and nodded his head twice. Not quite able to say it again.

“Have you told her about the accident?” he pressed deeper, not letting up.

Colin gave him a deep, exasperated exhale. “No, John. I haven’t. Her parents died by getting hit by a drunk driver. When she finds out about what I did, she won’t understand. She probably won’t even sit still long enough to listen. She’ll hate me.”

His friend”s eyes softened. “But you weren’t drunk, Colin,” he said softly.

Colin huffed a deep breath and turned to his friend swiftly. “It doesn’t matter. Five people are dead because of me,” his hard eyes met his friends steadily, not backing down. “And no matter how much therapy I have, that won’t bring them back.”

His hands fisted slightly as he became anxious and agitated at the thought of Olivia leaving him, if she found out. If he’d ever had the courage to tell her.

“I don’t want to lose her,” he said gruffly. “That’s why I drew up that fucked up agreement.”

Johnathan nodded. “You’d be surprised which demons dance very well together Colin. You should give her a chance. She might surprise you. She’s harboring secrets of her own.”

Colin nodded. “Aint it fucked up? We”re living together and don’t even know each other. Really,” Colin said irritably.

“But you know you love her, and love conquers all. Vanessa has alluded to the fact that she thinks that Olivia loves you, too.”

“Yeah, but she hasn’t said it,” Colin shot back irritably.

“Give her time.”

“Well, we’ve got plenty of time, haven’t we?” Colin kept his tone short and to the point.

His friend nodded, glancing at the various pans he’d put on low in the warmer, lost in thought for a moment. Colin could see the painful flicker that graced his face. His eyes softened towards his friend, his anxious mood receding slightly.

“Speaking of time, it’s nice to see you moving on after…you know. I’m proud of you too,” Colin shot his way, referencing Johnathan’s deceased wife Ezra. Who’d died of a freak heart attack eight years ago. His dark eyes holding his friend’s eyes as he watched Johnathan relax visibly.

“Thanks man,” Johnathan said to Colin rather hoarsely.

They threw away the empty Chinese cartoons in the hidden trash bin and went to the pool, setting up the hot tub, checking the temperature.

Turns out, switching the food wasn’t as hard as he’d expected. And he’d enjoyed laying his dining room table with the china he entrusted Mary to buy just for this occasion.

Olivia, in fact, didn’t realize they switched everything, and she ate with gusto, as did everyone else. He watched her eat for a few minutes when it clicked that he hadn’t seen her taste anything she cooked all day. He bit back a smile, realizing she didn’t taste her food and that was the problem. She’d grown up thinking this was normal.

Allison, who was not privy to their plans, ignorantly announced that this was the best Thanksgiving meal she’d ever cooked. And right then and there, Colin knew that he’d made the right choice spending an exorbitant amount of money commissioning a private Michelin starred chef to create this meal.

He shared a secret toast with Vanessa in his office as he snuck her in to congratulate her and show her Olivia’s Christmas gift. He bought an investment property nearby and was going to have a prestigious architect company build another office, one he planned on giving to Olivia. So she could start her own firm when she was ready.

The Christmas gift wasn’t necessarily the building itself, but he pulled some strings to get a meeting with the Architects head CEO. He’d shown him the blueprints and renderings of the house that Olivia had designed, and he bought, as well as some other blueprints of buildings she’d been working on in his office. He had those carefully copyrighted first, just in case.

Recognizing raw talent and potential, the CEO was so impressed that he offered a paid internship to Olivia when she was out of college. And then he turned around and asked to buy the blueprints to the house at a premium price of fifty million dollars so he could add it to their development plan, which he declined politely.

Colin wanted to be the only one in the world with Olivia’s original design. So, he quietly funneled his own money into the property, choosing to invest in Olivia so there’d be no loss.

They agreed to a dinner right after Christmas, in between the holidays, right before the New Years. He accepted graciously.

Vanessa was stunned, trying to keep up with what he was explaining to her. Having no comprehension of business, but instinctively knew that what he was proposing was well outside of the agreed time frame for Colin’s and Olivia’s agreement. She’d told him so.

He dismissed her, not worrying about it. She gave him a slow look that he couldn’t decipher before they left out of the office and rejoined the rest of them out in the lounge. That look ate at him. It was the proverbial cherry on top of the cake.

And Colin decided he was over it. All the fucking looks.

His brain was straining all the time, trying to keep his sadistic tendencies at a minimum while he worked through whatever he was feeling for Olivia. He felt like he was being strangled, his heart swollen too big for his chest. His skin pebbled with goosebumps.

Gritting his teeth as he saw Olivia playing on the floor with Allison, he suddenly snapped. The lack of sleep, the nightmares, and Olivia’s rejection all accumulated in one fucked up tornado inside of him and he turned his eyes. Now hard, onto Vanessa, who was sharing a smile with Johnathan who’d placed a hand on her tummy and was rubbing gentle circles under her shirt.

He walked back up to where Vanessa was sitting and jerked his head back the way they’d just come.

Something in Colin’s eyes made Johnathan jump up and follow him and Vanessa, slapping his hand against the elevator door that had started to close. His friend squeezed his broad body into the elevator with them, giving him a slow once over. And Colin couldn’t stand it, feeling laid bare while everyone got to know everything.

The tension sharpened in the small space as his jaw ticked.

Vanessa’s eyes were wide, confused at his sudden change of behavior after the pleasant conversation they had just had in Colin’s study. Her fear sharpened in the room, and she recoiled back into the corner of the elevator, her teeth biting her lip. He took a small step and narrowed his eyes as Johnathan suddenly stepped over, half covering Vanessa with his body.

“What’s up, man?” Johnathan asked quietly. But Colin heard the veiled threat under the question.

Colin struggled, his chest tightening further. “I need you to tell me what you know,” Colin said to Vanessa, threateningly.

“Colin, I don’t know what she did, I promise! I swear it!” she cried out, her hand wrapping around Johnathan’s big arm, trembling. Clearly misunderstanding him.

“No, there’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it, but you know. Don’t you? It’s fucking big, and it’s in the way,” he said, the scent of her fear feeding that side of him that wanted to hurt whatever got in his way. “I need it gone, Vanessa. Tell me!”

Something flashed in his face that caused Johnathan to fully step in front of Vanessa and press his back into her, pressing her against the wall.

“Mother fucker, keep whatever you got going on with Olivia to yourself and leave Vanessa out of it. She’s not in that lifestyle,” Johnathan spoke harshly, his eyes flashing at him. Johnathan was not a sadist himself but had no problem going toe to toe with one.

Colin’s eyes hardened further. “I won’t be taken for a fool. She knows, Johnathan. Do YOU know?” he narrowed his eyes at his friend, stepping into his space. “You used to fuck with people for a living. Did you manage to get her to tell you and you’re hiding it from me, too? Does everyone know but me?” he whispered harshly, seething.

Having the source of answers, the key to ending his torment right there in his face was visibly killing him.

“I said leave it alone. Allah himself won’t save you if you fuck with me right now. She hasn’t told me a goddamn thing. Now, get your motherfucking ass back!” Johnathan growled, stepping into Colin’s face.

Colin’s eyebrows scrunched up, and he looked sideways at Vanessa, who was trembling, holding her hand to her stomach. His eyes narrowed as comprehension sank in. He glanced back at Johnathan, finally stepping to the other side of the elevator, crossing his arms in shock.

“Bro…what the fuck?” Colin cocked his head. “Were y’all going to say anything?”

“Yes. After the holidays. Ness, leave us alone for a bit, baby,” Johnathan threw back over his shoulder, turning slightly to block Colin from her as she ran out of the elevator as fast as she could. The door closed and Johnathan hit the floor to the basement. They stood off in the small space as it lowered slowly.

***

“Olivia!” Vanessa yelled, rounding the corner, and picking up Allison. Putting her on the couch and turning on a cartoon.

“What is it, momma? Why are you screaming?” she said, pulling at her stuffed animal.

“Nothing baby, mommy is going to go and talk to Aunt Olivia for a minute, ok? Stay right there and watch your show,” Vanessa said, bending down to kiss her on the forehead. She grabbed Olivia and pulled her to the foyer, turning and whispering furtively.

“Olivia, you need to tell him. It’s getting too serious, and I don’t like this. This lying,” she begged, turning tear-filled eyes on Olivia’s confused ones. Lamenting as Olivia once again shuttered her eyes, shutting her emotions off from her.

“No,” Olivia said vehemently, shaking her head. “No Nessie! We agreed! You promised!”

“I’M PREGNANT!”Vanessa suddenly yelled, reaching forward and shaking her. Olivia’s face flushed in shock at her sister’s harshness. “And I’m done with secrets! I can finally have a life without secrets, Olivia. I refuse to go into a relationship without transparency. That man loves you; he will accept you; you need to stop being so fucking stubborn!”

There was a tense moment of silence where the two sisters just stared at each other.

“Congratulations! Allison’s finally going to be a big sister!” Olivia said hollowly once she found her voice. Ignoring her comments about Colin.

Blinking away tears and backing up, she blindly reached for the door handle of the front door, feeling her heart crawling through her chest.

“No Olivia. You’re done fucking running from everyone!” Vanessa said, choking on her voice. She lunged forward, grabbing her hand hard and pulling her roughly towards the elevator.

Olivia yanked against her hold as Vanessa tossed her in, using her heavier body weight to slightly overpower hers. Olivia lamented to herself as Vanessa slapped the button and closed the elevator door.

Olivia felt her soul trying to leave her body as the elevator plunged downwards. She blanched, feeling like she was free-falling into hell.

“If you won’t tell him, I will,” Vanessa threatened softly, resolve settling on her face as she turned to face the doors.

Olivia felt herself black out and she snapped, lunging for her sister just as soon as the doors opened. They bounced violently off the wall of the elevator before falling forward through the door frame. The women grappled, pulling each other’s hair and screaming. They rolled on the floor in a pile of screeching and cursing, flailing limbs and red hair all over the floor.

The men rounded the corner in alarm, both covered in sweat from their own fight. They looked at each other before lunging into the fray. It took some time, but they were able to rip them apart. Struggling as they each had a fistful of each other’s hair and they had to manhandle them to get them to let go.

Colin pressed his fingers tightly into Olivia”s wrist and he took his chance as her grip loosened on Vanessa’s hair.

“Olivia, let GO. She’s pregnant, baby, you can’t do this!” Colin yelled, struggling as she’d gotten another fistful of Vanessa’s hair. Vanessa was currently gripping into Olivia’s arm and yanking at her shirt. Johnathan put his hand around Vanessa’s hair above Olivia’s grip and yanked, pulling hard.

Colin hauled them apart, putting an arm hard across Olivia’s chest, struggling to still her. Johnathan was dragging Vanessa back, his hand banded around her chest and one arm around her hips, so as not to hurt the baby.

Vanessa was screeching something inaudible in her high-pitched voice, both women completely losing it as they attempted to scream over one another. A weird beeping sounded in Colin’s ears, and the back of his neck prickled.

Olivia broke through at his sudden distraction to grab Vanessa again, and it was clear she was trying to shut her up. He snatched her back with effort as the beeping kept overtaking his brain, touching the part of him that was affected by sirens. The place in his brain where his PTSD lived.

“Be quiet,” Colin said harshly, the women still struggling. John had resorted to picking up Vanessa, who was trying to claw and kick her way out of his arms.

“I SAID BE QUIET!” Colin roared so loud that everyone suddenly went silent. Only the sounds of panting and that beeping remained. He gasped, his eyes going wild.

“Where’s Allison? That’s the alarm system. Where did you two leave her?” he spoke louder, releasing Olivia who went still in his arms. She glanced at Vanessa before they all jumped into action, running to the elevator. Olivia turned sharply and burst to the stairs, taking them two at a time. She tore around the corner into the living room seeing it empty.

The elevator opened, and she stopped them before they tried to get out the door.

“Search upstairs, hurry!” Olivia ordered, hitting the button to the door. Colin’s hand shot out fast, stopping the door from closing.

“I’m coming with you,” he said, stepping out and sending the couple to the upper level.

Heart pounding, she ran to the back of the house, yelling for Allison. Colin took to the study, and front of the house rooms.

Olivia looked everywhere, seeing the cabinets, powder room, and the kitchen were empty. Olivia hurried back and checked the front door and saw it was locked. Pausing, her heart skipped a beat as realization hit her and she paled. Hearing Colin in the background shouting for Allison she paled, turning slowly to face the terrace. She went to the door, seeing the door cracked.

Olivia walked out into the cold air, searching the grounds from above before her eyes landed on the pool.

She felt her heart break and opened her mouth in an ear-shattering scream, seeing Allison’s small form sinking through the cover. Being swallowed by the water, not struggling.

She burst into action and climbed over the railing, not even thinking about taking the stairs. She dropped herself onto the thick, cushioned couch below, knocking the wind out of her. Gasping desperately, she rolled, vaulting the furniture, and tearing across the yard to the pool. Screaming Allison’s name.

Her bare feet beat hard on the grass before slapping onto the concrete by the pool.

She heard a back door crash open, glass splintering as a door broke and Colin emerged through, tearing off after her. Vanessa and Johnathan were close behind coming from another door, both of them yelling.

Olivia ignored them and dove headfirst into the icy pool, hitting the water and the pool cover hard, knocking the wind out of herself once again. Her lungs were burning from the cold frigid air and the icy pool. Heart racing, she struggled through the heavy tarp, attempting to find Allison with no luck. Trying to stem her panic, she emerged and took a deep breath and sunk under the tarp blindly.

The water was freezing, her lungs were burning for air as she reached her hands out frantically searching through the icy dark depths, refusing to give up.

Oh God. Oh baby, please. Please, she prayed to God. Hoping they were above her and getting the tarp out of the way so they wouldn’t drown.

Olivia maneuvered through the cold water blindly, ignoring her pain and pushing the tarp away and praying. She emerged again for another lungful of burning, icy air before lunging herself into the deep side. So far under the tarp now, she wasn’t sure that even if she found Allison and got her to the surface that either one of them would make it.

She shivered violently, knowing she was close to the entrance of the grotto. Now far away from where she first entered the pool, and it was pitch black and soundless, making her search blindly. But she wouldn”t let herself lose hope. After several more bone chilling seconds, her hand bumped into Allison’s foot and she grasped it, pulling her to the surface where, thankfully, there was room to poke their head up for oxygen.

Olivia’s lungs screamed for air as she emerged with Allison’s limp body clutched tight to her.

Colin jumped in as he left Johnathan and Vanessa to finish unlocking the ties to the cover and pull it out of the way, giving them space to not get tangled again. He grabbed Allison from her. Putting her gently on the side of the pool before turning quickly to find Olivia, who was pulling herself out at Allison’s side, hurriedly performing CPR on the girl, who was unresponsive.

Colin pulled himself out of the water, ignoring the freezing cold, and assessed Allison. Her pink tattered bunny was tucked into the pocket of her dress, the little destroyed ear sticking out and dragging on the ground.

She was blue.

Colin”s heart immediately shattered into a billion pieces. He put shaky hands to his hair and gasped, his chest feeling like it was caving in.

“Goddamnit it, no!” he whispered raggedly, his brain refusing to process what was happening.

He looked up sharply. Johnathan was on the phone with the police, instructing them on how to get to the house. Vanessa was currently on her hands and knees trying to crawl to them, awful gut-wrenching sounds emerging from her. Finally reaching them, she placed her shaking hands on Allison’s head, stroking her wet, tangled hair out of her face. Olivia and Vanessa”s breath swirled in a white mist around them in the semi lit darkness.

But none escaped from Allison.

“No!”Olivia’s voice bit out. “No Ally, you’re not doing this to me. Everyone can fucking hurt me but you,” she said angrily as she bent down and blew breath into the girl’s mouth. Colin watched as he struggled with his own demons, dread filling him as he just realized he’d just caused the death of someone the love of his life cherished.

Another death because of him. Another redhead.

Oh God, why do you hate me so?He lamented, the only thing he seemed capable of.

Olivia screamed incoherently as Johnathan tried to take over CPR. He placed the phone on speaker as he tried to move Olivia out of the way. She shoved him back away from her. This went on for what felt like an eternity.

A tear slipped from his eye as he looked over blankly, hearing the sirens approaching in the distance. Feeling his brain shutting down to protect itself.

Johnathan tried again. Colin could tell Olivia was exhausted, but she wouldn’t let anyone close.

“Get the fuck away! Alllisssooon!” she screamed, never ending those hard pushes into the little girl’s chest. Water trickled steadily from the little girl’s blue mouth, yet still she didn’t move, didn”t attempt to gasp for air. She lay there, deathly still. Her hair was a mass of red tangles around her face, her eyes refusing to open.

“Oh God, whyyyyyy! My baby! Not my baby!” Vanessa cried.

Vanessa was currently curled up into a ball of grief, pressing her head against the side of Allison”s, weeping silently. Johnathan crouched over her, his hand on her hip. His own face wracked with grief. He reached over and placed his big hand over Allison’s eyes and forehead, lowering his head silently.

His lips began moving, chanting something rhythmic in his language.

Olivia worked tirelessly over the little girl’s body as she screamed her name repeatedly.

Colin turned silently, walking to the gate and letting the emergency crew in. He watched them race past him, as if they moved in slow motion. He turned back, seeing them rip Olivia off Allison. She was screaming and crying gut wrenching sobs, still on her knees, struggling to stand up as the crew worked over Allison.

They strapped the little girl onto the stretcher. A crew member took over performing CPR on Allison’s body as they hurried her away through the gate back the way they came. Johnathan was currently cradling Vanessa’s half limp body in her arms, picking her up off the ground. She had passed out from shock. Olivia, who had made it to her feet, ran past him, following Allison’s body into the back of the ambulance.

Johnathan appeared next to him and got in his face, making him turn his eyes to his.

“Bro, we gotta go to the hospital. I need you to snap out of it. They need us,” Johnathan said to Colin, his voice sounding hollow to his ears.

Nodding numbly, he jogged back into the house, grabbing his keys, a pair of shoes for Olivia, and his wallet and met Johnathan outside in his SUV. Sliding behind the wheel and pulling out behind the ambulance, seeing Olivia’s red hair peek through the back of the ambulance window. His heart constricted painfully, and a choked sob wrenched from his throat.

He felt Johnathan’s warm hand settle on his shoulder from behind. He crawled into the backseat with Vanessa, and she was slowly coming to, whispering “Oh my God. She”s gone,” over and over.

Yeah,he thought sorrowfully. Too bad he didn’t invite himself to the party. Maybe Allison would have been saved. What God let a little girl die on Thanksgiving?

Her time had been shorter than they all thought.