7. Emory
EMORY
I pull my coat tighter and keep my head down as I walk toward Irina’s apartment.
Every shadow makes my stomach drop.
I glance over my shoulder every few steps and scan the street behind me, but I don't see anyone following.
The bare trees stand like skeletons against the gunmetal sky.
Wind whips between them and stings my face as I shove my hands deeper into my pockets and keep moving.
It's not like I tried to hide from him for all this time, though I made it a point to not venture into his known territory for a reason.
When I found out I was pregnant it was almost traumatic.
Knowing I slept with him was one thing, but having his baby left me without a single person in the world to talk to.
No one knew it was a Krasnov baby, not even Batya, and I kept it that way.
My hands shake as I knock on Irina's door and push away the thoughts of the past. I don't even know if Rashid saw me with Lex.
I'm being paranoid for no reason.
For all I know, he just wants to try to kindle something with me because he has fond memories of that night.
I have them too, but I'm not stupid enough to ever want to chase that down.
He's more dangerous than the men my father works for.
Irina opens it right away with Lex on her hip.
He squeals the second he sees me and reaches out with both chubby arms, leaning hard so Irina almost drops him.
I chuckle at his excitement and take him into my arms, holding him close, burying my face in his soft dark hair for a long moment.
He smells like baby powder and the apple juice Irina must’ve given him earlier.
His little hands grab at my scarf as he babbles happily against my neck.
“You look like you ran the whole way here,” Irina says as she closes the door and locks it behind me. She studies my face with narrowed eyes. “What’s going on with you? You’re never this late for pickup, and you’re pale as a ghost. Come sit down before you fall over.”
I force a smile and bounce Lex gently in my arms while he giggles and pats my cheek.
“Just a long day. Classes ran over and it started to snow lightly.
" I want to tell her everything, but to do so would probably just endanger her.
If she knows anything, then Rashid can use that against me by hurting her. I know how these people work.
She doesn’t believe me.
She folds her arms across her chest and watches while I peel off my coat and hang it on the hook by the door.
The apartment smells like fresh coffee and the cookies she baked earlier.
Toys cover the living room floor.
“Family night's still happening this weekend, right? Remmy already bought that board game you like. We can order pizza from that place on the corner, put on some music, and let Lex watch us make fools of ourselves. It’ll be fun. You need this, Em. You’ve been locked away too much lately.”
I set Lex down on his playmat and watch him grab for his stuffed bear.
He rolls onto his belly and kicks his legs while he reaches.
My hands won’t stop trembling no matter how hard I clench them, so I fold them together and sigh hard.
“Actually… I don’t think we can make it this weekend.
” I hate letting her down after all she does for me, but I know right now it's not time to be out and about.
I have to be close to home and keep Lex safe.
Irina’s eyebrows shoot straight up. She drops to her knees on the rug and starts bundling Lex into his snowsuit.
“What? You promised last time we talked. Lex needs to see his godmother more than just once a week. It's only one night. We’ll keep it short if you want. Just dinner and games.” I can see the pain in her expression; she really wants this. I'm just not sure it's safe.
She works fast, zipping the thick blue fabric up his legs and over his round belly.
Lex giggles and kicks his feet, trying to roll away from her, but Irina catches him gently and keeps going, pulling the hood up and tying it snug under his chin.
She adds the scarf next, wrapping it carefully around his neck so it doesn’t itch.
Then she pulls on his little mittens one by one, wiggling each finger into place while he laughs and tries to chew on the fabric.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. I sit on the edge of the couch and rub my cold hands together.
“Something came up with Batya. He’s not feeling well and I should stay close to home this weekend.
Maybe we can do something small another time.
” I also hate lying to her about that. Batya is an old alcoholic, and half the time he looks like he's dying when in reality he just hasn't eaten or slept in days and he's dehydrated, chasing his hangover with hair of the dog.
Irina tucks Lex’s scarf tighter and smooths down the hood.
She stands up with him in her arms and hands him over to me.
“Your father’s been ‘not feeling well’ for weeks now.
You can’t keep hiding in that tiny apartment with him.
It’s not healthy for you or for Lex. Remmy keeps asking when you’ll bring that apple pie again.
He says nobody makes it like you do. He even bought extra cinnamon just in case.
We can make it a full family thing. Your dad can come too.
He needs fresh air and real food too. He looks thinner every time I see him. ”
She blocks the path to my coat with her body. Her eyes lock on mine. “Talk to me, Emory. Is it money? Is school stressing you out? Did that art professor give you more grief about your portfolio? He’s always so hard on you. You can tell me. I won’t judge.”
I think about the past three years of fertility treatments and how often this woman called me every time she felt sad or discouraged.
I have been her rock, and what she's asking is nothing more than what friends do.
She wants to return the favor for me and be my support, but I can't involve her.
It's too risky.
Rashid could hurt her really bad. I have to protect her.
I hug Lex tighter against my chest and rock him while he plays with my hair.
“Look, it's nothing serious, I promise. I’m just tired. Lex's been waking up a lot at night and I’ve got big deadlines coming up. I can’t afford to miss any classes right now.
" I know my excuses keep shifting and I'm rambling, and she can probably see right through me.
But she's being gracious. She probably understands it's not something I feel comfortable talking about.
Irina puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head. “You’re a terrible liar, and you know it."
I shake my head again and reach for my coat. “I really can’t do family night. Maybe next weekend. I just need some time at home to catch up on everything. Batya needs me right now.”
She rubs Lex's cheek and frowns at me. “Em, you’re scaring me. If someone’s threatening you, we can call the police. Or Remmy can stay with you for a few nights. He’s big and he doesn’t scare easily. You don’t have to handle everything alone. I hate seeing you like this."
I pull on my coat while Lex fusses a little. “It’s nothing. I’m fine. I just need to get Lex home before it gets darker and the streets get icy.”
Irina sighs heavily but finally steps aside.
She kisses Lex on the forehead and gives me one last long look full of worry.
“Fine. But I’m not dropping this. You’re coming over next week even if I have to drag you there myself.
And bring your father. He needs fresh air and real food too. Call me if you need anything."
I nod and slip out the door before she can say more.
The cold hits me again as I carry Lex down the stairs.
I flag a cab at the corner, climb in with Lex on my lap, and give the driver our address.
Twenty minutes later the cab stops in front of our building and I pay the driver, and hurry inside.
Batya sits at the kitchen table with a half-empty bottle in front of him.
His eyes are bloodshot and his hands shake when he lifts the glass to his mouth.
The second he sees me he jumps up so fast the chair tips over, then his eyes widen in fright and he runs a hand through his hair.
“Lock the door,” he snaps. “Did you check the hallway? Were you followed?" He's acting paranoid again, which isn't a good thing. I'm not sure if he's just too drunk or if something happened. I thought things were getting better.
I set Lex carefully in his playpen and turn the deadbolt to make Batya happy. Then I go around and check the windows one by one while he watches. “Batya, what’s going on? You’re scaring me. You look terrible.”
He rushes to the front window, peeks through a tiny gap in the curtains, then yanks them completely shut so no light leaks through.
“We've got to stay inside from now on. No school for you tomorrow.
No park for Lex. No leaving this apartment unless I say so.
Do you understand me? Keep the lights low after dark and stay away from the windows.
Pull the curtains tight. And no visitors either, not even the neighbor. "
I sink into the chair across from him. My legs feel like they might give out any second. “Why? Tell me what happened." With the afternoon I've had, I really can't deal with this today.
Sometimes he gets on these kicks where he thinks the world is out to get him, but he promised me a few weeks ago that whatever he was working on would get us freedom.
We could be normal again.
He pours another drink and downs it as his face twists.
“Gusev found out the intel I passed them was good.
They used it against Krasnov and hit him hard.
But then they dug deeper and found my skim.
" He's white as a sheet and my stomach turns.
"I barely got out of the office, Em. They sent men after me. "
I stare at him while my stomach twists into tighter knots.
“Batya, what on earth..." I cover my face with both hands and start to feel too warm.
This can't be happening. I thought we were doing fine financially with the bits I’ve been able to add to our family budget.
I had no clue he was skimming too, and from people like the Gusevs. Is he stupid?
Batya rubs his forehead with a hand, mopping up sweat.
“I had to. I was trying to get us enough money so we could leave this life behind.
A fresh start somewhere safe." His lip trembles as he speaks and I see how badly he wants this.
But ripping off criminals who kill their enemies is a horrible move.
"Batya, you're making risky choices. This isn't safe for us." I say the words but they come back to bite me right away, the instant I hear Lex fuss. He's probably too warm in his snowsuit, and I'm not one to talk. The choices I've made have put us in even more danger than Batya's poor decisions.
He stands up and starts pacing the kitchen, back and forth between the table and the sink.
I just need a few days, maybe a couple weeks, to get the rest of the funds together. I’ve got some cash hidden to buy new papers for all of us. Then we go to Moscow or Perm. Somewhere far from St. Petersburg where they won’t look for us right away. We can disappear and start over.
I rise slowly, knowing this is about to devolve into another night of him drinking and being paranoid, and I stalk over to Lex to unbundle him. I can't skip classes, and I won’t miss work either.
If Batya insists on hiding away and keeping me locked up, he's going to have to babysit for me. I can't sit around waiting for life to suffocate me.
I want to finish my degree. As it is, it's risky enough taking Lex to Irina's house now that Rashid is out looking for me.
Maybe letting Batya keep Lex during classes isn't a bad idea, but I won't play the hermit to avoid Rashid.
I will live my life and stand my ground, even if I'm scared shitless. And if it comes down to it, I'll run.
It might be the only way to have any semblance of a life at this point.