Chapter 13 - Josiah
The office is busy today. I haven’t managed to leave my desk, because every time I try, another document arrives that I need to look at, sign, or deal with in some way.
Kayla is working hard, too. But she’s hardly paying any heed to me.
It’s been the same at home for the past couple of days.
She’s completely avoided me and has been determined not to end up alone with me at any point.
I hate the fact that she snuck out of my bed after we were together like that. When I woke up in the morning, I reached for her, and my heart sank to find the sheets cold. Every time I think we are making progress, she proves me wrong.
I’ll figure it out, though. I’ll figure her out and break through her cold exterior.
I glimpsed her for a moment. I had her in my arms, and I saw her. The girl who holds my heart. The girl without the mile-high walls around her heart.
I realize, too, that our conversation before the explosive intimacy did not exactly go according to plan. She was still angry with me, not understanding what I was trying to explain to her.
But then again, maybe she did understand.
She thinks I didn’t love her enough to fight for her, to put the effort in to protect her and keep her. It’s not how I ever saw it. It ripped me to pieces to push her away, and I thought I was doing the right thing.
But maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I made a mistake.
You did make a mistake. You are meant to be with her. You were always meant to be with her.
“Bro?” Isaak walks into my office, not bothering to knock.
“Hey man,” I say. “It’s Monday. What have you got for me?” I ask, standing up and walking around my desk to greet him.
He hugs me with a slap on my back.
“I’ve got news, alright, but it won’t necessarily make sense.”
I sigh and look out over the city. “Not much makes sense these days,” I mumble to myself. “But go ahead, don’t keep me in suspense.”
He flops down onto the sofa and lifts his boots onto the glass coffee table.
“It’s crazy, but everything points to this really small inconsequential Bratva group in the city,” he says with his brows knotted.
“A smaller group? That can’t be right. The smaller groups would never dare to mess with us. My name alone would have them running for the hills. They know it would be a death sentence,” I say, confused.
He shrugs. “Exactly what I said. I triple checked the intel, though. It’s definitely right. So, what I was thinking was that they are being bullied or manipulated by a larger group that is hiding behind them and using them as a puppet.”
I sneer. That makes sense.
“But those idiots surely still know it’s a death sentence to mess with me, no matter what their reason or excuse is?”
“They’ll find out soon enough. I’ll send you the info. In the meantime, I’m going to keep looking into it to find out who is really behind it. If we can track down one of the smaller group's members and make them squeal, it’ll make life easier.”
“Do it. Get one of them.”
Isaak nods.
“What about the attack the other day?” he asks.
“I have some people looking into it,” I sigh, sitting down opposite him. “The main thing I want to know is if it’s connected or not. To the operation attack. It feels too coincidental not to be, but I don’t want to make the mistake of assuming anything.”
“Agreed. Better to look into it. I’ll see what my guys can find out as well,” Isaak says, standing up and dusting his hands over the front of his pants.
“Send me that info,” I remind him.
“Will do,” he says over his shoulder as he walks towards the door.
“Bye, Kayla, have a good day,” he says cheerfully when he passes her. She looks up and smiles. That full, radiant, beautiful smile that I hardly ever get to see. Certainly not directed at me.
A pang of jealousy spikes in me as I walk back to my desk.
Why can’t she see I only want the best for her? It’s all I ever wanted for her.
Sitting at my desk, I can’t tear my eyes off her. Things are building up inside me. Things I need to say. Things I need to explain.
I reach out and snatch the phone receiver into my hand and press the call button.
“Yes?” she says into the phone on her end.
“Please come into my office. We need to talk.”
I notice the shadow that drifts over her face. She sets the phone back into its cradle and takes a slow breath. Then she stands and walks towards my door.
I stand and walk to meet her, then lead her to the sofas. “Please, sit,” I say, gesturing.
She bites her bottom lip and takes a seat right on the edge of the sofa. Her back is stiff, straight and rigid. Her hands are folded neatly on her lap, and her face shows no signs of emotion.
Yet I know emotions are flooding her. Because she can’t hide everything from me. I know her too well.
“Kayla, I wanted to give you some reassurance. The other night when we spoke…” I pause, shoving images of her naked body from my mind. “Uh, the other night…” I stammer. “You were concerned that I was not willing to do what it takes to keep you safe, but I assure you that I am.”
“I don’t understand,” she says stiffly.
“I’m looking into the attack against you.
I have some suspects in mind, and once I confirm that it was them, I will make sure they pay for what they did.
I will make sure they understand never to try some shit like that again,” I tell her.
My heart clenches tightly at the idea that I might not have reached her on time. It is a painful thought.
“What do you mean, you will make them pay? As in you'll call the cops?” she asks, her brows deeply furrowed.
“No, Kayla. I don’t use the police to sort out my personal business. They are useless. I wouldn’t trust them with this,” I say sternly.
“What, then?” she blurts out. “What are you saying? You’re going to torture them? Murder them?” Her voice is tight, and she’s struggling to hold herself together.
“Yes. I will torture them. I will send a very clear, unmistakable message out to anyone and everyone who thinks they might try the same thing,” I inform her.
Her mouth drops open in horror.
“No, absolutely not. You will not hurt people for my sake. I won’t be a part of this!”
“You became a part of this when they made the first move by trying to harm you. Do you fully understand what might have happened to you? Do you understand the pain they could have caused you?”
She shakes her head, adamant not to hear me.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean that because they are monsters, you also have to be one,” she huffs.
“No, Kayla. It means that I have to be a bigger monster. I have to be the largest predator in the city.”
She stands up. “No. this isn’t how things work, not in the real world.”
I grab her arm and pull her back into the seat.
“I’ll tell you how things work in the real world.
The world that isn’t sheltered or protected by a pretense of normalcy.
In the real world, if I don’t do something and I let those men get away with trying to kidnap my wife, the thing they believe is most dear to me…
if I let them do that without any consequences, do you know who they will go after next?
The twins. They will take our baby girls and torture them.
They will do it to get at me. To break me.
And I promise you—I promise you with every bone in my body—I will never fucking let that happen. ”
“The twins?” she stammers, her eyes glimmering with fear.
“I’m sorry. It’s horrible to hear. It’s horrible to think about. But that's why I have to do what I have to do.”
I watch her shift and squirm, silently panicking.
I watch her face as emotions flood beneath the surface.
I watch and wait while she processes and understands.
Kayla looks up at me, her face suddenly under control again. “Then I think it’s best if the twins and I packed up things and moved back to California. If it’s too dangerous here for them, then I need to accept that Chicago is not the place for us.”
I scoff dry, bitter laughter.
“You aren’t leaving, Kayla. The twins aren’t leaving. I will not make that mistake again. I will not lose you twice.”
She furrows her brows, confusion darkening her beautiful eyes. She bites her lip and watches me as though she’s trying to puzzle me together. Can’t she tell I’m right in front of her? I’m here for her. I’m here to give her whatever she wants. Everything. Anything.
“Kayla,” I whisper.
She stands quickly, taking in a sharp breath. “I should get back to work,” she says politely.
Kayla walks away as though we discussed nothing more important than what to have for dinner.
Her ability to freeze over is incredible. Her survival instincts have become such a deep and integrated part of her that I have no idea how to break through her cold exterior.
How do I get her to see that she doesn’t need to protect herself from me?
That night, she avoids me completely and goes out for dinner with Izabel. I can’t stop thinking that maybe I was too harsh. But she needs to hear and see the truth.
My animosity towards Izabel has faded since I stopped blaming her for things that I need to take control of myself. For the moment, I am grateful that Kayla has someone to talk to. Because clearly, she can’t talk to me even though I desperately want her to feel she can.