Therapist N − 3
“I want you to try another exercise that might help with your anxiety.”
“We’ve done this before. I tried the breathing exercise and that didn’t work. I tried the counting exercise and that didn’t work. What’s the point?”
“The point, Tess, is that you need to have the tools to manage your condition.”
“My condition? That’s some euphemism. You mean anxiety, stress, panic, OCD, voices in my head, crazy compulsions, depression, feeling isolated and like I don’t belong. I never knew that was all one condition.”
“You know what I mean. Yes, you have a lot of challenges, but the more tools we can find for you that work, the better prepared you will be to meet those challenges.”
“Can’t you just give me some more pills?”
“Medication is one tool, but it can’t do all the work by itself. You have to be part of the solution. Are you willing to do that?”
“Sorry. Sorry. I came in here in a snippy mood and I’m taking it out on you. Let’s start over. What’s my new homework assignment?”
“I want you to think of a place that makes you happy. A place where you could never be stressed or anxious.”
“I’m not sure there is such a place.”
“Think hard, Tess. You must have some happy memories?”
“Well, the island, of course. I was happy a lot on the island, but I also had plenty of nights when the voices—I mean the auditory hallucinations—kept me awake doing stupid things like lining up Legos and sharpening pencils.”
“But you think of the island as a happy place?”
“I don’t know if a place can be happy. But I definitely had the happiest moments of my life on the island. Does that help?”
“Was there some spot on the island that was special to you? Where you felt comfortable and at peace?”
“There…I…”
“It’s okay if you need a moment. Would you like a tissue?”
“Yes.”
“The thought of a special spot made you cry. It must be intimately connected with your emotions.”
“The dock.”
“Where you had all those conversations with your father?”
“With Harry.”
“Did you ever feel scared or anxious when you were on the dock with your father?”
“Never.”
“Okay. That’s good, Tess. That’s a good memory. A good place to go.”
“But I can’t go there. I can never go there again.”
“I’m not talking about physically going there. I want you to close your eyes and go there in your memory.”
“Okay.”
“Think about how the wood of the dock felt on your back. Listen to the sound of the water lapping against the shore. Feel the cool air and smell the pine trees.”
“I’ll try.”
“Do you smell them?”
“I smell the air and the smoke from the fire Vivian lit up at the house. And I smell Harry.”
“Good. Use all your senses to remember that happy spot. Do you need another tissue?”
“Yeah.”
“You were crying again.”
“But happy crying.”
“Good, Tess. That’s very good. Now, the next time you feel anxiety, or you sense a panic attack coming on, I want you to repeat this exercise. I want you to go to the dock and use all your sense memory to submerge yourself in the happiness you felt there. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes. I can do that.”