3. Lyra
“On my end, we do need to change a few things here to stay in compliance with the FDA. The couple in the ad is depicted running a race. It”s unfortunately misleading about what this drug can do for rheumatoid arthritis.” I”m on a video call on my first day back at work on Monday, and it”s a little surreal. It”s been 4 days since I moved in, and I”m feeling more and more settled each day. The furniture came on schedule the other day, so I now have a bed, thank whatever being is up there watching. I was able to get better sleep before going back to work, and my back is grateful too. Now I’m seated at my work computer in my new home office, notes in hand, with a sea of faces looking back at me on the screen. One of those faces turns indignant at my statement.
“How are we supposed to get people intrigued to ask their doctor about our drug if we just show them opening a can?” Garrett from marketing whines. He”s new, and I”m pretty sure this is his first marketing campaign for our company. It would still be nice if he didn”t start his portion of the meeting with a blatantly misleading ad. Internally, I count to 10 so I don”t bite his head off and remain professional. I love my job. Truly I do. I”m passionate about the part I play in getting life saving drugs approved and out to people who need it. Meetings like this test my damn patience though, and I”ve never had a lot of patience to begin with.
“I’m sorry, Garrett, but the ad can”t stay as is, or we will have to end up pulling it eventually anyway and get a huge fine. So it”s completely cost prohibitive. We can”t mislead folks with RA into thinking they”ll be able to run a race because of this drug. The indication is to help people accomplish small, everyday activities like buttoning clothes or chopping vegetables.” I tell him this with every ounce of patience I can muster since he should already be well aware of it, new or not. He looks defiant, but before he can say more, the legal reviewer, my friend Savannah, jumps in with her notes. This has already felt like the longest meet‐ ing, and we”ve still got plenty to go over. I can tell my jaw is starting to feel overworked. It”s always a little achy, but it usually doesn”t bother me at all. If I”m super tired or talk a whole lot though, it starts to really ache, and it becomes harder to form my words crisply. It”s embarrassing, I also start to lisp. My doctors have been telling me for ages that I”ll need surgery on it, sooner rather than later, to prevent permanent damage but it”s incredibly daunting and insanely costly. Anxiety washes over me about whether I will be able to get through the rest of this meeting talking normally. It”s weakness, and I never, ever, want to appear weak or abnormal again. So I calm myself, massage my jaw with my thumb and index finger to disguise it as me looking like I”m thinking, and allow the legal and medical reviewers to talk for a bit to give me a break.
This is why working from home has been so amazing. I never could have imagined it until the pandemic basically forced everyone into it. Now I don”t have people stopping by to talk every few minutes, or breathing down my neck about a deadline. I can work in peace and quiet without having to worry, and I”m so much more productive because of it. Working from home made me realize how much anxiety I was living with on a daily basis in the office. I felt like I constantly had to be on, covering it up as best I could when I had trouble speaking clearly, or hearing someone since I don”t always hear perfectly either. I put on a confident, cheerful, facade every day, in super uncomfortable heels no less, to please people who truly don”t give a shit about me. Standing in my boss’s office in 3 inch heels with a smile plastered on, while he regaled me with stories from his latest golf outing, had to be classified as some form of torture. I’m already so introverted that I have to gear myself up to see people that I love and actually want to see. Having to constantly be forced to interact with people, many of whom don”t even like or care about me much, is so exhausting. Working at home, I can drop that facade for the most part. There’s no walking around in heels. I am able to concentrate on my actual work, instead of office politics and always playing a role, and it is so much better for my nervous system.
Now there is the added bonus that a UPS driver I very much like looking at, who may or may not be lightly flirting with me, is going to be regularly delivering the materials I need to review to me. I have no delusions that something might happen. He does not want an almost divorced woman who is probably around a decade his senior, no matter how much he seemingly flirts. He probably is like that with everyone. There is also no way I am emotionally ready for anything with a man after 9 years going up in flames with Derek. Still, like I said, I”m not dead. His smile alone makes my skin heat up. I had to quickly get back inside the last time he delivered to my house so that he couldn”t see any interest on my face. That would have been humiliating enough to move away off his route if he saw me looking at him like some thirsty idiot, when he just wants to get his job done. It may be time to finally invest in a toy to help since apparently my well over a month long dry spell is taking its toll. I”ve gone longer than this and not been even close to this hard up, I don”t know what”s wrong with me. I shake myself to get my mind back on the meeting at hand.
Both the legal and medical reviewers are done talking at this point and Garrett is not happy. I”ve jumped back in as well to add to what the other reviewers are saying. It”s been well over an hour before all of the back and forth is finished and Garrett realizes we can”t move forward in any way as it stands. None of the materials he brought to us today have been compliant at all.
“So I really have to go back and do this all over again? Hours of work down the drain?” Garrett groans.
“I’m truly sorry, but it can”t go out with that imagery. It”s misleading and not in our indication.” I repeat as kindly and firmly as possible considering he clearly hasn”t done enough training if he is presenting ads this outside of what can be approved.
“Alright, I”ll see when I can get a new version on the review calendar as soon as possible,” he grouses. Then with a round of goodbyes, we wrap up the meeting and I take a breath. My phone vibrates next to me though, and when I take a look it”s Savannah from legal.
SAVANNAH
What even was the point of that meeting?
There was none, but at least we know we need to really scrutinize his stuff carefully. He will try and get things by us in order to make the ads splashier
Well, he”s in for a rude awakening with the both of us as his reviewers. He”s going to test my damn patience, I know it
I chuckle a little at that since she basically echoed my own thoughts. Savannah and I aren”t super close on a personal level, but we work the same and have a lot in common. We”re both sticklers about everything being perfectly compliant (because if we weren”t our company would get in big trouble), and we”re also known for not mincing words. All while still being professional, of course. It”s a fine line, but we both learned quickly that if we give an inch, marketing would take a mile. We both always have each other”s backs, whether it”s in the meetings or just commiserating via text. Basically, she”s my work wife even though we”re not in the office together. I”d definitely have a lot more trouble getting through the video conference review meetings without her. We”re able to keep each other entertained during work hours with random memes or silly messages since we have very similar senses of humor. A lot of the time it becomes a competition of who can make who crack first in a meeting, with either ridiculous cat memes or steamy quotes from the books we’re reading. We”ve even taken dance classes together after work, go to lunch together when we can, and have an absolute blast.
The meeting and the rest of my review work make the morning fly by. At 1:00 I eat a sandwich for a fast lunch, and take Brody for a walk before I quickly drop him off at the nearby doggy daycare so he can have some good exercise and fun for a few hours. Then I settle in to review more of the material for our next meeting that we have tomorrow for another campaign. My home office has really come together so far. It’s a little coastal, if I had to classify the decor, with lots of whites and sea blues. Growing up at the Jersey shore has very much influenced my taste, it seems. My books line the back wall in white bookcases, and I have two pale blue file cabinets on either side of my large antique white desk that I found at an estate sale the other day. My personal silver laptop sits off to the side, while my purple lacquered nails make a satisfying clacking sound on my work laptop as I type up my review notes. I love having my nails painted purple to match my hair. The big window to the side lets in plenty of light through the gauzy blue curtains.
A couple of hours later I get up to stretch my legs, and grab some fruit for a snack, when my phone rings with the tone I had assigned to Derek ages ago. Feeling a headache coming on from just seeing his name, I give myself a second to take a breath before I pick up, not knowing what he could want.
“Hi,” I say a little flatly.
“Hey,” he says, then goes silent.
“You good? What”s up, I have to get back to work.”
“Of course you do,” he mutters. The anger flooding through me is instant, red clouding my vision.
“Nope, you don”t get to judge my work/life balance anymore. Lost that privilege over a month ago. What do you need, Derek, because I am 2 seconds away from hanging up,” I reply as I try to keep my voice from shaking with rage.
“Christ, Lyra, I am trying to find the words. This won”t be easy to tell you. You may not believe me, but I actually don”t like upsetting you.”
“Of course you don’t,” I mutter, mimicking his earlier tone.
He sighs heavily before he says, “Alright, well let”s get to it then. Are you still going through with letting me buy you out of the house?”
“Yes, we”ve been over this. I want no part of that house now. I”ve got my own, thanks.” I don”t even care how bitchy my tone is.
“Good,” he says, then hesitates. “Kayla and I are getting serious. If that”s still the plan, I wanted you to know before you heard from somewhere else that she”s going to move in.”
“Sounds good to me.” He makes a disbelieving noise
“I’m serious, Derek. You blindsided me, and it will take a while for me to work through the hurt. I”m also definitely, rightfully, salty about it, and that will also take some time. I sincerely wish you both the best, though.”
“Well, I appreciate that Lyra. I need you to know something else that may come as a surprise. There”s a reason she”s moving in so quickly.” At his shift in tone, something in my gut tightens. I can read him well enough to know that whatever he is about to say is going to hurt. Badly. “I don”t know how to tell you this, given your history and what we had planned for ourselves.”
No. No no no. What the ever loving fuck. This isn”t happening. I”m putting the pieces together as he”s talking and the picture is quickly becoming crystal clear. I”ve just started to come to terms with the fact that we”re divorcing, and now this? I feel like this past month or so I”ve been living in an alternate universe, watching what I thought was my happy life irrevocably change as if I”m some outsider looking in. I”m absolutely not good with change, and this is almost more than I can handle.
“You...you said you didn”t want them, Derek. We had lots of discussions-”
He cuts me off, which makes me even more angry and upset. “We did,” he confirms. “I said that when I thought you were it for me, and our options were so limited. I thought I”d be content with just us. It turns out I was wrong...I want this. I think that”s one of the main reasons why I ended up turning to Kayla.”
My head is spinning, and my stomach has gone into complete knots. I shouldn”t care. His life is no concern of mine now, a pretty clean break since we didn”t have what he and Kayla are about to have. Thank whomever is above for that. It still feels like another massive layer of betrayal that suffocates me in further pain. He didn”t talk about this change of heart with me. No, he simply moved on with someone younger and able to have his children. Who am I even kidding, I”m completely gutted by this news. He would have been kinder if he actually did gut me. Every deeply rooted insecurity I have about being different and not enough is coming to a head at this point, and I am just trying to calm myself enough to breathe normally so I don’t have a panic attack.
“I’m so sorry, Lyra. I should have talked to you more about it. I just knew how dead set you were, and I know you. There is no way you would have budged when you laid it out so clearly near the beginning of our relationship.”
I had laid it out clearly. I can”t have biological children, and I have never had that urge to be a mother anyway. Adoption, egg donation, surrogacy, all just seem so incredibly draining, both emotionally and financially, that I have no interest in those either. My medical journey has already been draining enough. Living the Wine Auntie life is perfect for me. I”m still silent and processing, blinking back the rapidly forming tears.
“Are you there?” he asks quietly. It takes everything to get words out past the massive lump in my throat.
“I’m here. It”s just a shock.”
“I get that.”
I swallow hard and try to make my voice more steady. It still comes out completely throttled, despite my efforts.
“I can”t fault you for changing your mind, Derek. I can sure as fuck fault you for the way you went about it. It’s no secret that I haven’t always been a perfect wife, that I couldn”t give you what Kayla is, and that I”m not always easy to deal with. You should have said something though, instead of cheating on me and moving on.” He shouldn”t be able to get my tears, but they”re pathetically starting to flow anyway. “You tossed me aside like garbage after 9 years of making me believe you loved me and our life, and got your new girlfriend pregnant before we”ve even finished signing the papers. I feel like the biggest fool on earth, Derek,” I seethe through my gritted teeth. It”s that multifaceted response to getting cheated on that I know so well from my mother: The anger and betrayal that he was unfaithful. The endless questioning of myself about why I wasn”t good enough or just simply enough for him. The trust issues that will likely linger for a long time.
“I know, and I”ll forever regret it. I don”t expect forgiveness. I just wanted you to know before you heard it from someone else. Sorry doesn”t begin to cover it, Lyra.”
“I really have to get back to work. Congratulations on the baby. You”ll make a fantastic father.” The words rush out of my mouth on a shaky breath. I don”t wait for a response. I hang up on him, not able to stay on the phone a moment longer. I”m not proud of my reaction, but the emotions welling up are ruling over any rational thought at the moment. The 9 years with him were all a lie. I loved him for that whole time, and he jumped at the first chance to have another life I could never offer him. He became one of the very few people I allowed myself to be vulnerable with, allowed fully into my heart, and he went and crushed it like almost everyone else I”ve encountered. This is why I can”t trust anyone or anything, even my own judgment it seems. I”ve been hurt too many times by people I thought loved me.
Mostly I”m livid with myself for being so damn blind and stupid about what was apparently happening, both in his head and in his life. I feel as though I”m free falling without anything to grab onto, because everything I knew about our relationship, our life, was an insubstantial mirage seen only by me. I collapse back into my chair, and let the tears overtake me. Once I calm down a little after a few minutes, I pull out my phone and call Gina. Thankfully she picks up, with her two kids audible in the background.
“Hey,” I almost whisper.
“Uh oh, what”s wrong?”
“Derek just called with some news.”