6. Taran
My mom is eyeing me so intently, because I don”t think she has seen me this giddy in at least 10 years. I dropped by after work to cook enough food for a few dinners and sit to eat with her. Val said she had a really good day at her outpatient therapy when she left, which in turn made my day. A light rain patters on the back windows, providing a backbeat for the sound of our scraping cutlery on the blue floral plates that are probably way older than Seth. The lovingly worn maple wood of the table and chairs is still sturdy as a rock after who knows how many years. Ma inherited the set from my grandparents, and I think it’ll outlast me.
It”s been 2 days since I danced and chatted with Lyra, and it has been replaying in my mind non-stop. When I left her, I couldn”t even help doing a little bell hop in the parking lot as I got to my car. I can”t lie, I wanted to kiss her so badly on that dance floor that it physically hurt, but I”ll be patient. Baby steps, right? So between Val”s news about Ma’s therapy today, and still riding a high about Lyra, I”m in an obviously giddy mood. I shake myself out of my thoughts though, and focus on my mom.
“How”s the chicken, Ma?”
“Oh, don”t you ”how”s the chicken, ma” when you look like it”s the Christmas morning that you got your first bike. If you don”t tell me what”s going on to make you look so giddy in the next 30 seconds, I”m going to have another stroke. Spill. Now.”
“Jesus, please do NOT have another stroke on me. There”s not much to tell. I”m really happy you had a great day at therapy today.”
“You”re not lying about that, I can tell, but there”s something else too. Spill it.”
Never in my life have I been able to get anything past her. I have no chill, and everything shows on my face. I was not ready to talk to her about Lyra yet, though it looks like I won”t have a choice. She won”t stop until she gets it out of me.
“Alright, but please don”t get too excited. It”s very new, we”ve barely become friends. I had a really great time with a woman when I went out with Carlo the other night. I”ve delivered to her before too, things that she”s needed to sign for. We exchanged numbers.”
This look she is giving me right now is why I was afraid to tell her when it is so new, and not even a romantic relationship at this point. I really wish I had a better poker face. Or that I could stop thinking about Lyra.
“Don”t look at me like that, Ma.”
“How am I looking at you?”
“Like you”re already planning our wedding. I told you, this is extremely new and not even a romantic relationship. She’s going through a divorce right now.”
My mom”s eyebrows rise, then pull together in thought, like she”s trying to process what I said and how she should respond. All she comes out with though is, “Tell me about her. I can tell you really like her.”
“She”s really gorgeous, with curly hair and big green eyes. She”s very dry, sarcastic, and funny. She”s completely soft for her dog, who I ply with treats whenever I deliver there. She”s an incredible dancer. I can’t deny that I’m pretty smitten already. She”s just not in a good place for anything romantic right now with the divorce. We”re going to be friends and get to know each other.”
“Well, that”s the best way to start any relationship, I”ve always told you that. She sounds like she”s wonderful.”
“She is, from what I know of her so far. I think she needs a friend now more than anything. She has her best friend and her best friend”s family, but not really anyone else around here based on what she”s told me.”
“Then you be a good friend to her, and help see her through this. When things settle down and she”s officially divorced, you can see where things go. No matter what, you”ve at least gained a wonderful new friend.”
“Either way it”s a big win for me, right?”
“Of course right, because I”m almost always right.” I just shake my head at her and chuckle. I”m so glad she still has a little fire and sass in her. Then I mull over telling her what’s bugging me, and how to word it.
“I’m scared, though,” I tell her quietly. “I’m so drawn to her, and everything feels completely right when she’s near me. I want to build something with her, I know it in the deepest part of me already. What happens if I fall for her and lose her, Ma? I don’t know if I could cope nearly as well as you have.”
Her eyes fill up, and she puts her hand on my shoulder. “Son, is that what has stopped you from seriously dating? You’ve been protecting yourself from the pain of loss?”
I silently nod, not looking at her.
“Sweetheart, you will miss out on so much if you let fear rule your life. You know that. If you fall for this woman, and she falls for you back, then you will have known a great love, no matter what happens. That is worth everything.”
We both wipe our eyes as I nod my acknowledgement, still not able to speak for a minute. She definitely is always right. It’ll be easier said than done to overcome that fear, though. Finally, I attempt to get the mood a little lighter again.
“Ok, for real now, how”s the chicken, Ma? Did I do justice to your chicken parm?”
She gives me an arched brow. “Don”t ask silly questions. It was absolutely delicious.” Then I swear it, she mutters under her breath, “Mine is still better.” I can”t help but crack up.
“Nothing I cook will ever come close to yours, I just hope I did ok enough,” I tell her while I”m still laughing. She smiles with amusement in her eyes, and it just makes me even more giddy to see it. She”s had a tough road since her stroke and has not smiled much at all.
“You seem better than you have in months. You seem happier.” This is my lead in to talk more about what she said that first day I delivered to Lyra. “When you talked about making sure I had a support system outside of you, you seemed a little down and not very optimistic,” I tell her carefully.
She looks thoughtful, and a little guilty. “I’m sorry I gave you shell shock, son. I didn”t mean to be so blunt about it, but it just came out of me like it’s been bottled up forever. It goes without saying that this stroke has made me sit back and think deeply about things. Your father’s passing sent me into a never ending spiral, and this stroke was a very sorely needed wake up call that I”ve been spiraling and numb for way too long.”
“You dealt with your grief the best you could, Ma. I know he was the love of your life,” I say with a lump in my throat. It”s terrifying, but also a relief for the two of us to start letting these feelings out. For 10 years we”ve been barely trying to make it without him. We talk about memories of him all of the time, we say how much we miss him, but we”ve never sat and talked about what it would look like to try to fully live our lives without him. I think we”ve been terrified of moving forward, along with having a big side of guilt for still being here while he”s not. Grief is so multifaceted and hard to navigate, I”ve discovered more and more.
As if she”s reading my thoughts, she says, “We made it by and survived, my boy, but we haven”t truly lived in 10 years. We”ll never stop grieving him and missing him, but you know he”d be pissed at us that we”ve been so lost without him. You were still a teenager and took on so much that you shouldn”t have needed to. I should have gotten more training, found better work, not let you give up on your education and dreams. I”m so sorry, honey.” Her voice cracks on the last word, her tears flowing like her emotional dam has burst. She”s held it back and been numb for so long, this is years and years of grief and regret pouring out.
My heart is shattering for her as she continues.
“10 years have gone by, and there’s not a single day I don’t hope he’ll somehow come through the door, kiss my forehead, and help me set this very table for dinner. You ever notice we never use his seat? I think I would lose it if anyone sat there.”
“I would too, Ma. That’s where he sat with me to help with my homework. It’s where he got me interested in classic rock and architecture. All of our fun father/son weekends were planned at this table. I can’t look at it without thinking of him every time.” My voice sounds as shattered as my heart feels while all of the memories play across my mind.
“Shit, this was supposed to be a nice dinner together, and now we”re both messes,” she huffs, wiping her face.
“It needed to happen. Badly,” I say hoarsely, trying to wipe my own face and get my throat to open back up. Taking her hand across the table, I give it a squeeze. “Please stop thinking you need to apologize to me. We both did what we had to do to get by. Maybe we are starting to get to a place where we figure out how to truly live without him. I might try to go back to school at night, I”ve been thinking about it.”
She gives me a watery smile. “It would be wonderful to see you do that. I need to get out of the house more. See people and be more social. I don”t think I ever want to date again, but my friends might be glad to welcome me back to the land of the living. That is if they haven”t given up on me after all these years.”
“They wouldn”t give up on you, they”ll be so happy to see you, Ma.”
At that moment, my phone starts chiming. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see it”s an incoming FaceTime call from Seth. When I hit the button, the screen fills with his face, his wife Sienna”s, and my niece Addy”s on Sienna”s lap. She”s 9 and the cutest, sweetest kid I have ever met. I may be biased though.
“Hi Uncle TarTar!!!” Addy almost screams, her gap toothed smile huge. Her long black ponytail is shaking because she is pretty much vibrating with energy and excitement.
“Hiya Addycakes! What”s going on? You seem excited.”
“I AM!!! Wait, are you at Nana”s? Daddy said you”d be at Nana”s for dinner and I could tell you both.”
My mom comes up to the screen over my shoulder. “I’m here, sweetheart. Your Uncle and I just finished some chicken parm. What do you have to tell us?”
“They posted the orchestra roster today at school and I got first chair for violin!!” she screeches, but then it”s drowned out by my mother screaming, “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart!!” while I bellow, “YESSS, my Addycakes, congrats!!”
“I’m going to go practice, bye, I love you both!!” she yells as she goes dashing off.
“Addison Riley Malloy, slow down before you trip and fall!” Sienna tosses over her shoulder to her.
“Kay!!” she yells back, not slowing down at all.
“She”s just a little excited,” Seth deadpans.
“Getting first chair is a big deal,” my mom says with a huge grin.
“We’ll be hearing violin playing in our sleep,” Sienna sighs as she turns back to us, but her pride is unmistakable. The sounds of Addy practicing start to drift down as she says it.
“Where”s Mason?” I ask. Mason is my 7 year old nephew and also the cutest, sweetest kid I have ever met. Again, I”m really not biased or anything.
“He went next door to play a little with Josh before dinner, I have to go get him pretty soon,” Sienna replies.
I shake my head at myself. “I almost forgot it”s barely after 5 there.”
Seth chuckles while Sienna says, “Stupid time zones,” with a laugh.
Seth leans in and looks at us more closely. “Are you two ok? You look like you”ve been crying.”
He always shuts down when talking about dad, or anything really emotional. I”m not going to sugarcoat or tiptoe around our emotional baggage anymore after today, though. “Mom and I were just talking about Dad, wondering what he would think of our lives now. It got a little emotional.”
Seth”s face falls completely. Sienna takes his hand and looks at us with sympathy. She found out she was pregnant just a couple of months after he passed, and I think both of them are still heartbroken that he never got to meet his grandchildren. The timing never fails to make me think about the cycle of things, though. He was taken away, but then we got Addy.
Seth clears his throat. “I’m sure he”s looking over all of us and proud. We”ve done the best we can since he passed.” His face is completely shuttered now, though.
“I agree, big brother. You”ve made a beautiful family and life. Mom and I were talking about her wanting to start to get out of the house more. Return to the world of the living, as she called it. I think I”m going to try and go back to school.”
“That”s so fantastic,” Sienna says sincerely.
“Mom, are you saying you want to date again?” Seth asks sharply.
“Mind your tone about that, son, if I want to I damn well will. No though, I don”t want to mess with all of that drama.”
Sienna swats at him and Seth sighs, chagrined. “Of course you should if you want to, it”s just a clusterfuck out there and I don”t want anyone potentially hurting you.”
“I survived raising you two boys, becoming a widow, and having a stroke. I can handle myself, but I appreciate your concern.”
“Well, I think it”s great that you both are having these discussions and looking to shake things up,” Sienna says proudly. My brother could not have fallen for a better person. I was only 14 when she and Seth started dating, and she quickly became the sister I never had. She kept Seth together when our dad passed. They had to go through their grief while navigating first time pregnancy and parenthood. I can”t even imagine it.
My brother is amazing, but I wish he had been able to be around here more during that time, especially for our mom. There is definitely some resentment that I was the one here picking up the pieces, even though I understand he has his family and work across the country. He stayed for a week for the viewing, funeral, and to help with what he could, but then it was back to once a year or so visits and lots of video chats. It was pretty lonely. Today has been a good starting point, but the four of us adults in this family still have a lot to work through.
“Taran?” Seth says, pulling me from my thoughts. It”s clear he”s said my name more than once.
“Sorry, got lost in my thoughts for a minute there. What did you say, Seth?”
“I asked what you wanted to go back to school to study? Do you still want to study architecture?” He asks it hesitantly, because he knows the weight of it.
“I’m not sure if that”s still the dream, there’s a lot to think about and figure out,” I tell him honestly, fighting back a lump in my throat. “You”d be great at it, you were always amazing at imagining buildings and doing line drawings of them,” he tells me encouragingly.
“Thanks, big brother. We”ll see what happens.”
“Ok, Seth, it is dangerously quiet upstairs now. Can you please go check on your daughter while I go get Mason?” Sienna asks, redirecting from this vulnerable line of questioning.
“Alright, we better go. Love you both,” Seth tells us.
“Love you guys, talk soon!” Sienna says. I end the call and look at my mom. She raises her eyebrow at me in question.
“Telling him we were talking about Dad and making new plans went pretty well. He didn”t completely shut down.”
“He”s always been so serious and stoic, you know this, son. I think it comes from being the first born. You were always the funny, more emotional charmer, probably because we babied you. You can”t fault him for being who he is.”
“I know. At least he opens up to Sienna, she’s always able to get through to him. Anyway, I better go, Ma. Early day tomorrow.”
I give her my usual bear hug and kiss on her head before I head home to my apartment. I decide to shoot a text to Lyra since we haven”t spoken since the other night at the bar.
How are you today, Lyra?
I put the phone down and will myself not to check for a response obsessively. After a couple of minutes or so, I check anyway and the hovering little dots are showing she”s responding.
I”m good, thanks. I”m not sure how to tell you this though, but Brody has cheated on you
Then a picture comes through of him sitting on the sidewalk on her street with a treat balanced on his nose. I lose it laughing, both at the picture and her delivery of the news. I love her sense of humor.
I”m so sorry I had to be the one to break it to you. He found treats elsewhere
NOOOOO, Brody my pal, you”re doing me dirty!!
He ended up playing with my neighbor”s dog outside for a bit, and the little girl Gabby there actually got him to balance the treat on his nose.
What about you? What are you up to?
I just got home from having dinner with my mom. Early day tomorrow
That”s really nice, sounds like you”re a good son
I am totally unashamed of being a mama”s boy, haha. She”s the best
Ugh, you”re going to give me a toothache
I feel like we have momentum, so I decide to dig just a little and ask about her family. She made me curious when she mentioned that she had none around here.
What about your parents? Are they around? Are you close?
The dots appear, stop, reappear, stop again for a minute or two, and I”m worried she might not want to answer. Her response finally comes through, though.
Long story, but the short answer is they”re both thankfully alive and well. We”re not close, though
You haven”t mentioned your dad. What about him?
He passed away 10 years ago. Pancreatic cancer
The gut punch as I type those words will never not hurt. It takes a few minutes for her to respond.
Shit, I am so incredibly sorry, Taran. Is that what you meant when you mentioned Carlo helping you through the worst time of your life?
Yeah, he was really there for me
I’m glad you had him
Me too. Hey, hopefully I”ll be in your neighborhood tomorrow and can say hi to you and my favorite cheating dog
He”d like that. I think he prefers your treats
Are...are we still talking about the dog?
You miss me too, Lyra?
Don”t let it go to your head, but maybe...
Oh I”m definitely letting it go to my head. Goodnight, Firecracker
I warned you not to get cocky with me. WTH, Firecracker? Really? Goodnight, Taran