13. Lyra
“It”s good to see you, Lyra, I”m glad you reached out.”
Dr. Kirkfield”s comforting face fills half of my computer screen. When I reached out to her last week and briefly filled her in on what was going on in my life that I wanted to address, I was really happy to learn that she now does teletherapy and could fit me in for a 45 minute session on my lunch break. With Taran coming over tonight after work bringing food, it”s perfect timing to work through some things. Nothing can start with him until I sort myself out first, or at least start to do the work since I”m not sure I”ll ever be fully sorted out.
“Thanks for seeing me so quickly, I know it”s been a while,” I tell her.
“Of course. You just had your life upended a couple of months ago, I”m always happy to talk.”
“That”s what has been the hardest. You know how I always need control, and I feel like I”m free falling. Derek drops his bomb and suddenly I”m moving, getting settled in a new area, and this perfect seeming man wants to date me for reasons still unclear to me. I can barely sort through the storm in my head.”
“Tell me more about why the reasons this man wants to date you are unclear. Let”s start with that, because there is no moving forward with this new man if we don”t address that.”
“I”m older and almost divorced, when he could have a much younger, prettier woman with none of the baggage. You know I come with a lot of baggage,” I tell her like it”s the most obvious thing in the world.
“I think it”s important to remember that what you call baggage is really trauma that is not easy to unpack. Your parents’ divorce and their subsequent behavior, your diagnosis and treatment, now your own divorce and all of these changes...it”ll take time and work to parse through all of the emotions, and that”s what I”m here to help you do.”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Therapy is amazing, but it also strips me down to being completely raw and emotional. That is obviously not a state of mind that anyone enjoys being in, even if going through it makes me feel better in the end. I take a huge breath and start talking.
“I think Derek and I came to a decent understanding of being civil if we run into each other. We”ve wished each other well, and the final paperwork just has to be processed. I want to be able to move on with my life. For me it”s the broken trust, and the anger over that broken trust that I”m struggling with. I don”t know how I didn”t see it, and I don”t even trust myself to know what”s real if he and I weren’t,” I say, shrugging helplessly. “He brought out every insecurity I have about my infertility, about people thinking I”m awful for not wanting children, about being different, and not enough.”
“That”s all very valid and normal, Lyra. You wanted to trust your husband and that trust was severely broken. You wanted to trust your parents to always have your best interests at heart, as parents should, and they didn”t. It doesn”t mean you can”t trust again, or have another serious relationship. You have people you love and trust completely in your sister and Gina. They love you unconditionally right back. It”s a matter of building that in the same way with a new romantic partner by letting him show you that he can be trusted, which I know is much easier said than done.”
“I don”t know how to do that anymore,” I admit. “I’m not sure I even quite got to that level of complete trust with Derek, and maybe that was part of the problem. We didn”t have that strength that comes from complete trust. I”m not sure I trust that starting something with Taran this soon wouldn”t be a rebound, either.”
“I don”t think trust is something tangible that you can learn to do, necessarily. It”s something you feel as it”s built through things that are tangible, like actions and words. Trust is always earned. It”s a matter of being aware that in your case, it”s a very tough thing to earn from you and that”s ok. As for whether it”s a rebound, it”s always difficult and confusing moving on from a long term relationship, especially a marriage. Again, you just have to keep checking in with yourself on whether what you feel for him is genuine. Keep in mind that there isn”t a set time frame for mourning a relationship and moving on. Every case is different. Does that make sense?”
I take a big breath and nod. “It does. There”s a lot to consider, but what you”re saying is helpful and hitting home.”
“I’m glad. What are some of your other concerns? Maybe you could expand on why you think you”re not enough for people?”
This is getting to the heart of things, and it”s so hard to put into words. Dr. Kirkfield is wonderful, and I’ve been seeing her for a long time, but talking about this even with her is almost too much for me to handle. I try anyway with a huge lump in my throat. Speaking my truth is important, as difficult as it is. This is something that both Jeanie and Gina would kick my ass for saying, so I’m thankful for an impartial listener to get what I have weighing me down off my chest.
“I...I don”t think I”m even close to lovable enough for a relationship. I”m not pretty enough because of the physical differences I grew up with, sweet enough, or nurturing enough. I don”t want the traditional family with kids. I can put on a pleasant front, but deep down I”m pretty difficult, brash, combative, sarcastic and blunt. At the same time I can be so ridiculously introverted, socially anxious, and shy that it”s crippling.” I look down at my hands, wringing them as I continue.
“Who wants to love someone like that, when there are much easier people to love out there?”
“Lyra, I think the most critical question you can ask yourself is if you”re happy with who you are. That”s a question to continually ask yourself throughout your life. If there are things about you that you would like to change because it would make you happier, that”s one thing. Changing yourself for others is another thing entirely. I”d also like you to look closely and ask if you”re being fair in your assessment of yourself. Are you combative and difficult, or do you just have strong boundaries and limits? Who and what determines what combative, difficult, or brash looks like? When you”re in comfortable social situations with one on one interaction or a small group of people, do you still feel shy and socially awkward? Do your sister and Gina see you as unlovable when they know the real you better than anyone? Or do they love you unconditionally as you are? Wouldn”t the right romantic partner do the same? These are all things I want you to think deeply about, Lyra. Being introverted is not equivalent to being unlovable, and neither is not wanting children.”
I nod, willing myself to believe the truth she is throwing at me. The afternoon sun is streaming through the side window, providing a huge warm patch on the floor. The only sound in the room while I process what she’s saying is the sound of Brody snoring in said patch of sun. I take a deep breath, absorb the brightness in the room, the hilariously soothing noise from my dog, and let it all sink in. After a minute of letting her words get through to me, she continues.
“Being introverted is simply how your brain is wired. Choosing to not have children because it”s right for you is more than valid. Just because society is unfairly built for extroverts and upholds that ideal that women should be mothers, does not make you wrong. I”d like you to please look at everything from different angles.”
Her words hit hard, but in a way I”ve needed. Everything over the past few weeks has been such a blur of change and confusion. Talking it out like this is helping me find some clarity, and a way forward again.
“I’ll try that. I must sound pathetic, I have a very privileged life right now, and here I am complaining. My self esteem is pretty shot, and you know it”s never been great to begin with,” I tell her quietly, barely meeting her eyes.
Her face softens, going from all business to compassionate.
“There”s nothing pathetic about what you”re feeling, Lyra. The important thing is you”re talking about it, and willing to do the work to feel better about yourself.”
We chat a little more about everything going on, tools I can use when I”m feeling overly anxious about moving on with my life, and keeping my self doubt in check. It”s a productive session, and we agree to meet virtually again in two weeks. I quickly let out Brody and scarf down a sandwich before I log back into my work computer right on time. Savannah sends me some memes during our review meeting that almost have me cackling in full view on our video call, so I retaliate with some dirty ones of my own that visibly make her blush. I hear another message ping on my phone.
SAVANNAH
Oh, you”re paying for that one with quotes from the smutty book I”ve been reading when you least expect it
Bring it, I don”t blush easily
I admit to myself that it”s kind of a lie. Taran and his dirty words have made me blush more than I will ever admit. I”ll live in delulu land a little where that”s concerned for now, though.
SAVANNAH
Belly Dance class tomorrow after work? The beginner one is at 6:30
Yes! Sushi after?
Obviously
We”re almost up to present our review notes, do you have a lot?
Nothing earth shattering, little things that need tweaking
Same. Hopefully we”ll be done soon, then. This is a good ad campaign. See you in person tomorrow, lady
Let”s hope so, it”s showtime. See you tomorrow, boo
We give our notes and comments, and marketing incorporates them without incident. I love it when that happens. Once the meeting is over, I start to find it really hard to focus. It makes me need to use my hands and fuss around to ensure the house is clean while I listen to a continuing education webinar. Everything has to look perfect when Taran gets here a little later. There are still a couple of boxes to unpack, mostly things I don”t truly need and may donate, which are shoved in the guest room. Otherwise, I”m pretty settled in at this point. With traffic I”m not sure how quickly he”ll be done with his day, but he said he would keep me updated. He”s going to go home first and get the food once he drops his truck off. Excitement and nerves are storming around like a tornado inside me that he”ll be in my house for the first time. When every pillow is fluffed, surfaces are quickly wiped down, and the robot vacuum does a spot check of Brody hair, I quickly jump into the shower. He seems to like me in my favorite soft sweaters, judging from how he”s looked at me, so I pull a pretty pink cashmere v-neck on with black skinny jeans. Soon after, I hear a text notice.
TARAN
On my way there with the very deservedly hyped pupusas. I”ve got a ton so you even have leftovers. See you in about 15
I can”t help my smile at how freaking cute he is being about me trying this new dish. The fact that he would go out of his way to bring me dinner like this is insanely sweet and thoughtful. I think I”m starting to get it in my head that these are not the actions of someone who is just trying to get into my pants or hurt me.
Can”t wait to try them. Do they need to be heated up, should I turn the oven on? See you soon
I think they”re definitely best heated up in the oven. 375 is perfect
You”ve got it. I hope you”ll stay for a bit to have some with me if you can. You already deliver my work to me, you”re not DoorDash or GrubHub on top of it...
Well, someone might as well show you the proper way to eat them, so I guess it should be me. I”ll be any type of delivery man you want though, Firecracker...
So shameless...
The zing of heat that goes through me at that bit of flirting makes the most ridiculous squeak come out of my mouth. After I get the oven pre-heating, I quickly go back to putting on some fresh makeup. I”m careful to make sure my eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick are all perfect without being overdone for a night in my house. Adding a pair of dangly purple earrings and my favorite matching amethyst cocktail ring from my Nana finish the look nicely. My curls are behaving today, framing my face in shining purple ringlets. Looking at myself in the mirror, I see bright, hopeful eyes, and a genuine, happy smile. My skin is flushed with excitement. It”s a far cry from the woman I was looking at in the mirror around two months ago. I was haggard and drawn when it all happened, reflecting what was going on inside me. The woman I see staring back at me now looks lovely and confident.
Therapy didn”t miraculously cure me today, but it helped quiet a lot of my intrusive thoughts. Right before Taran is due to arrive, I pull out my phone to turn some music on. Sinatra pours through the bluetooth speaker I have since he”s a favorite of mine. My beloved late Papa would putter around the house, jingle the change in his pocket, and hum Sinatra every single time we visited. It takes me right back, and makes the ache of missing him and my Nana a little less. Their presence is here in her ring and his favorite music, and it’s exactly the comforting boost I need. My mom may have her issues, but her parents were the most incredible grandparents.
As I scroll though my phone lost in my thoughts, I see an email come through from my lawyer. The subject is the name of mine and Derek”s divorce case. My heart rate kicks up with worry, wondering if something is wrong. When I read it, the worry melts away into a flurry of other emotions. It”s an informal heads up from her that she received our final divorce decree today from the clerk. It all was filed quickly since Derek and I didn”t have a messy trial, or kids to worry about once the initial papers were filed. I also didn”t want a penny in alimony from him, or the house. It would feel like pity money, and keep me financially tied to him. Just getting what I was owed for the house and being done with it is more than plenty. I”m officially a divorced woman, and will have the papers and certificate for my records soon. It”s all a little surreal in the moment.
I”m now a divorced woman.
The enormity of it washes over me, so many little pinpricks of emotion hitting me at once. There”s the pain, regret, and disbelief. It all starts to ebb away though as I prominently begin to feel...relief.
It”s relief that I can move on with my life with nothing hanging over my head after around two months of being in limbo. There”s hope blooming fiercely in me now that I can find soul deep happiness with someone who will truly appreciate who I am, the woman I have fought like hell to become. Just as I”m having those thoughts, I hear a car pull up in front. Brody”s ears perk up as he lifts his head off the couch next to me, and his tail starts thwacking the cushion as if he already knows exactly who it is. I get up as I hear him approach the door and knock. When I open the door for him, it”s as if I”m opening the door on a new chapter of my life.