17. Taran
My neck has the worst crick in it after sleeping in the chair next to my mom”s bed all night. I look over and see she”s still sleeping, looking comfortable and peaceful. Getting up slowly, trying to work out the crick, I make my way to the bathroom. By the time I come out, my mom is waking up and the nurse is coming in to check on her. Once she confirms her vitals are still all good, she asks for our breakfast choices. Ma is really trying to be a good patient and goes with oatmeal, while I go with eggs and toast. When the nurse leaves, she and I chat about what she needs to change about her lifestyle when she goes home, which of course she is being a little stubborn about. Never tell Evelyn Malloy that she needs to ease up on the heavy Italian food.
The doctor stopped by again last night to see her after Lyra left and said that her health is not at the point where she needs round the clock care at a facility, thank goodness. Ma would have had a meltdown about being pushed to leave her beloved home on top of being scared about her health. She”s already mad that I”m missing work for her, even though I have a ton of PTO I can use and my boss is fine with it. I told him yesterday that she was being admitted and I”d be with her until she got discharged.
The fight with Seth is still really weighing on me. He and Sienna have been in touch with my mom to check on her of course, but he hasn”t spoken to me and I haven”t asked to speak to him. There has always been a little distance with us between our age difference and the distance of him literally living across the country. He even joked one time that he”s more like my fun uncle that breezes in once a year to see us all. There have been a few times we”ve flown out to see him too, if money and time off allowed it, and Cali is gorgeous for sure. I just wish that he and I were closer, and saw each other more. I”d love to see my sister-in-law, niece, and nephew more too. Thank goodness for video chat or I”d be a stranger to them. Some of it is on me to make more of an effort to go out there once a year at least. He and I have so much to talk about once we cool off, and emotions about Ma aren”t running so high.
It”s a little before lunch when the nurse comes again to give Ma her discharge instructions, go over her medicines, and answer any last minute questions. Before we know it, she”s being wheeled out of the hospital and I”m taking her home. I look in the fridge once we get in and get settled, and I start to tear up. Alejandra really came through like I knew she would with some super healthy looking cilantro lime chicken, rice and beans, and several vegetable filled soups. She labeled everything meticulously. I text the family group chat to thank her and everyone else for their well wishes and checking in. Alejandra responds that she”ll be coming by to visit as soon as my mom is feeling up to it. I shoot a text to Lyra as well, giving her the basic update that she”s discharged and home.
“How about some soup for lunch? Alejandra made enough of her amazing Salvadoran red bean soup to practically swim in.”
“That sounds fantastic, sweetheart,” my mom replies gratefully. I get it heating up and fill us each a glass of water while she situates herself at the table.
“I’m going to need to run home to pack a bag for a few nights. I”ll stay in my old room just until you”re more recovered. Val will still be here during the day, and then I”ll be here at night. I know you”ll think it”s an imposition, but it”s not, so don”t even think about arguing with me.” I point at her to emphasize the fact that I will not be hearing anything from her about it. She glares at me as if to say, “do you remember who birthed you, boy?”, but after she gauges that I”m not budging, she nods in resignation. I sit down next to her and take her hand.
“Ma, this is how it goes. You took care of me when I was growing up, and now it”s my turn to take care of you as you get older. It”s a bizarre and wonderful cycle.”
“You”re right, but that doesn”t make it any easier, son.” Her face is somber. “I thought that I was finally coming through the haze of grief, and getting so much better after the stroke. I”m actually ready to start living again, and then this happens. It”s an emotional setback on top of being a big physical setback. You”ve been taking care of me just as much as I”ve been taking care of you since your father passed, and I want to ease that burden. Now you”re staying with me instead of living for yourself. Again.”
I squeeze her hand in acknowledgment before I get up to check on the gently bubbling soup. The methodical stirring helps me while I mull over how to make her not feel guilty about me taking care of her. I”m not sure if anything will assuage it. In her mind, she is the parent, and a parent who ”failed” me at that, according to her. She thinks that she should be the one still taking care of me. I thought we had worked through her guilt about all of this a couple of weeks ago, but now having the heart attack has made it come back. I”m at a loss as to how to get through to her while I scoop the soup into bowls, and sprinkle cotija cheese on top. How do you tell your mom to not have mom guilt? How do you make her believe she did the best she could? Being kind yet blunt may get the message across and put a stop to her spiraling. I bring the two bowls over and we start eating while I get the conversation rolling again.
“Nothing that has happened has been your fault. Nothing. Ok? We”ve been over this. You can”t carry this guilt when you have always been an incredible mom. Just concentrate on getting better and resting up, please. That”s all you need to worry about. I”m happy to be here for you.” I say this all evenly, with as much conviction as I can to make it get through to her. I get where she”s coming from, but it”s misguided, and I hate that she feels guilty. She heaves a huge sigh, her shoulders sagging.
“I know, honey. I know you”re right. You can”t ever turn off the mom guilt, I guess. You have this lovely woman now who drops off top notch Italian food, work is busy, and I just want you to be able to enjoy your life. It is ingrained in me to put your needs above my own. I”m not ready to let this role reversal happen.”
“I get it. I really do. We”ll figure all of this out, there is a lot of change happening at once. I”m happy to take care of you though, ok? I”ll make time for everything else too, I”m getting better at balancing things.” I boop her nose play‐ fully to get her to laugh and help soften things. I”ve done it since I was little, when I realized it would make her crack up without fail. She gives me a laugh this time like I knew she would, and the mood lightens. We finish up our soup making potential plans for having the Hernandez crew over soon for an Italian feast once she feels better. It hits me as we”re chatting that I haven”t told her yet about what I want to study when I go back to school. After I tell her about my plan to become a CNA or an occupational therapy assistant, she beams.
“I’m a little biased, honey, but I think you can do anything.”
“Motherly bias aside, do you think I am cut out to do this? Go back to school for something completely different? I didn”t even go to college, so I may have a lot of catching up to do. It”s intimidating.”
“Of course it is. Don”t let a little intimidation stop you, though. I can see how passionate about it you are already.”
“That”s what Lyra said when I told her about it.” I say it with a soft smile, the same smile that saying her name always brings out. The way she showed up, charmed my mom, distracted me with shameless flirting and stolen kisses, made the mess of a day much more bearable. Even though she couldn”t stay too long, not feeling completely alone was beyond words. Sure, Val offered to stay, but she had done enough and deserved a day off that Seth is absolutely paying for.
“Clearly she gets you, then. That”s important.” She looks wistful. “That”s all I want for both you and Seth. I want you both to have partners who get you. Your father understood me better than anyone. Sienna is a godsend for Seth. Now I hope it”s your turn.”
“I hope it is too. I really like her, Ma.”
“You”d be an idiot not to, and I didn”t raise an idiot.”
“No, you didn’t.” I get up and press a quick kiss to her head. Heading to the sink with our bowls, I quickly clean everything up and get the dishes in the dishwasher. Val texts to let me know she is on her way. While we were still at the hospital this morning, she said she was so worried on her day off yesterday and wants to come back today to help out with Ma once she gets settled. The friendship beyond just a caregiver and patient that those two have makes my chest ache. When she gets here, I”ll run home for a bit to gather some things and make sure I”m ready to go back to work tomorrow. In the meantime, I make sure the hall bath I”ll be using is clean and quickly put fresh sheets on the bed since I”m not sure when they were last changed. Then I hear Val coming in and greeting my mom.
“You can”t say I don”t keep you on your toes, that”s for sure.” My mom”s voice is rueful and apologetic as I come downstairs. “I’m so sorry for scaring you like that.”
“Eve, there is nothing to apologize for. I”m just glad you”re ok.” Val”s soft accent and low voice are so soothing.
“I didn”t scar you for life?”
“Oh, please. I”m a nurse, my dear. It was scary to see you like that, but not even close to the worst thing I”ve seen. At least it wasn”t something shoved into a hole it shouldn”t be in.” My mom loses it laughing, and I can see the sly smile in Val”s profile.
“You two are such trouble.” My words and footsteps into the kitchen bring their attention to me, and Val gives me a wink.
“It”s better than being boring,” Val says immediately, and I chuckle.
“Alright, I”m going to head home for a little bit to take care of some things at the apartment and pack for a few nights here. I shouldn”t be more than an hour or two. You both behave yourselves, even though I know you won’t.” I shoot a wink back at them, kiss them both on the cheek, and head out.
When I get to my apartment, I check to make sure there aren”t any urgent bills or mail, tidy up a little, and grab a small suitcase. I throw in a few clean work uniforms, regular clothes, toiletries, and I”m good to go. It”s easy to wear the uniform to and from the hub, rather than changing there. If I had to complain about anything, there are so many times I”ve wished that there was a proper shower and locker room at the hub. With the hours we sometimes work, it would be quicker to shower and change there if I have somewhere to go right from work. It”s not like I”ve been super social or anything since I”ve started working there, but it would have been nice. Now that Lyra is in the picture, I can see myself wanting to leave right from work to take her on fun dates.
As I”m gathering my stuff, my phone rings. I haven”t checked it in a while, and as Seth”s face fills my screen with his incoming call, I see that Lyra also texted back. I”ll respond to her after Seth, and I take a deep breath before answering.
“Hey.”
“Ma said you had to head home for a bit to get stuff to stay there,” he says by way of greeting
“Yep, that”s the plan. What”s up, Seth? You ready to talk? Or are you going to lay into me for leaving her for a couple of hours with Val like she”s a toddler in need of constant supervision?”
“I’m not going to lay into you. I think she was hoping I would call you to talk as soon as she told me I”d be able to catch you at your apartment just now.”
“So what is it you want to talk about?” I don”t want to sound cold, but his reaction yesterday morning really pissed me off, and it takes a lot to piss me off. Brothers have that way of needling right under each other”s skin.
“I just want to make things right after yesterday. Look, I”m sorry about my reaction. I was half asleep, panicked because I”m not there, and a whole host of other feelings. If it”s any consolation, Sienna ripped me a new one after we got off the phone.”
“I get it, ok? It still sucked though, Seth. It fucking sucks I”m here alone while you have your wonderful family across the country. You get to be out there, occupied with raising your kids and your busy job, while we’re here steeped in memories. It sucks that I have no one to share the load with. I could never think of Ma as a burden, but it is a lot between the stroke and now this. Having you lay into me like that made an already awful day 10 times worse.”
“Tar, I really am sorry. I know you”re dealing with a lot, and I had no right to act like that. It was an awful gut reaction because as much as I love my life here, it sucks to not be able to be there sometimes and live so far from you and Ma. You”re doing an amazing job looking out for her, I didn”t mean to insinuate otherwise.” He sounds sincere but I’m not done.
“Do you know I’ve hardly dated since dad died? I’ve been so wrapped up in keeping me and Ma afloat that I just don’t have the emotional energy. I’ve finally met an amazing woman who sparks something in me, and I don’t even get to fully enjoy it. I want to date the hell out of her, but I’m constantly worried that something will happen with Ma, or that I have too much on my plate to be a good enough partner to her. Val is a huge help, but the moment I try to move on with my life, I have you on my ass for taking one fucking night for myself.”
He’s speechless for a minute. Then he says in a strained voice, “Taran, I’m so incredibly sorry. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to move forward with your life. I know Ma doesn’t need 24/7 supervision. It was my stupid reaction. I’m going to be a better brother to you, ok?” His last word comes out choked.
“I think we both need to make more of an effort to be better brothers to each other and visit more, ok? Why don”t you fly out soon? You”ll feel better if you get to see her all recovered in person.”
“I’m looking into it already. I can get a few days off from work late next week to make it a long weekend. Sienna and I are looking to see what”s going on at school for the kids, and whether we can pull them for a couple of days so we all can come. They”re anxious about their Nana being ok.”
“That would be amazing.”
“So, you forgive me for being an asshole yesterday?”
“Yeah, dickwad, you”re forgiven.”
“Thank you. So when I fly out, am I going to be able to meet this woman you want to date the hell out of, who brings delicious Italian food to the hospital? Ma was raving about her before she let me off the phone to call you.”
“That”s up to her. She was really great about meeting mom under not so great circumstances, but we haven”t even had time to check in with each other about where this is headed. I don”t want to pressure her.”
“Where do you want it to head?”
“I’ll be honest, brother, I”ve got it pretty bad. I”ve only known her for about three weeks but she”s incredible. She”s witty, deep, thoughtful, fun, loves to dance, and so damn gorgeous it pains me. I”m really hoping it gets serious.”
“Oh, yeah, you”re gone. You sound like me when I just met Sienna.”
“I’ll take that as a good sign, seeing as she still loves your sorry ass.”
We wrap up our call, and I feel a whole lot lighter now that we”ve talked it out. My mom is recovering nicely, I”ve got Lyra, and I think my brother and I just reached a much better understanding. Today, I get to go back to being optimistic. Before I head back to Ma”s, I pick up my phone again to shoot a text back to Lyra. It”s like if we don”t at least text a little during the course of a day, I start to get antsy. I look over my original text and her response before I reply.
How are you today, pretty Firecracker? We are thankfully out of the hospital and home
I should be asking you that. I”m so glad she”s doing ok and home. Do you all need anything?
Yeah, she”s doing so much better, thank goodness. We”ve got tons of food and all of her medicine, we should be all good. Thanks for asking, though
Of course
What about you, how”s your day been?
Same old same old, just work and Brody. He misses seeing you on your route
You miss seeing me on my route too, Lyra?
I just saw you yesterday, so it sounds pathetic to say it. But yes I do
Progress! Last time I asked you that, I got a maybe
smh
I”m going to stay with my Ma for a few days just so she has someone there with her at night for a little while. I”ll be back to work tomorrow. Next time I”m in your neighborhood I”ll stop by to say hi. I miss you already too...