Chapter 37
CHAPTER
THIRTY-SEVEN
Madison didn’t usually keep her phone on, but she knew to expect texts after her meeting with Nanine.
She’d arrived at her new home with Carl with fear coiling in her belly and sweat dripping down her back. But she’d gotten through it and told Nanine what she deserved to know. Thank God, Nanine hadn’t interrupted or tried to stop her from leaving abruptly before she lost control of herself.
Her roommates, though? She was expecting Dean to bring Pierre to the restaurant with some kind of love kit he’d sell at Pairings by Pierre, composed of chocolate sauce, red wine, and macarons.
Like food could fix anything. Even with all her skills as a chef, she knew no dish was ever going to take this pain away.
There weren’t enough onions in the world for this situation.
She had to start accepting how things were going to be from now on: no more Romance Shrine, no more kisses, and no “cuddling” between her and Kyle. They wouldn’t be living together anymore either.
They’d stay friends somehow. She had no idea how right now, but she couldn’t live with anything else.
The faster everyone got with the program, herself included, the easier it would be.
Still, she knew how it would be. Her family was going to be upset.
Thea was probably going to cry. Brooke was going to dragon breathe.
Sawyer was surely going to look at her contemplatively before offering up some quote about the endless quest of the self or some other bullshit.
Dean might go for a bad joke. God, she didn’t want to contemplate the Plus Ones trying to interfere, because hadn’t she done that with a couple of them?
She would make it through somehow.
So when no one stopped by or texted—she checked every time she took a break—she got jumpy. Yeah, she hadn’t slept much and had downed about five coffees today, something she was sure her tense staff had noticed.
But no word? From anyone? That was totally wrong.
So when her phone buzzed right before dinner service started, her skin prickled. Until she picked it up and saw it was from Rico—
Heard what happened last night. Coming by after work. Don’t think to evade me.
She blinked at the text. Terrific. Word had spread.
Soon she would hear just how much of a pariah she was.
She grabbed her cleaver and cozied up next to one of the line cooks, slicing and dicing up every vegetable needed for tonight’s service.
She kept busy. So did her staff. When dinner service took off, she went from one order to the next, her focus absolute.
Except in the moments when she’d turn to ask Pierre something. Her heart would crack when she remembered he was still with Dean. The staff had noted his absence, she was sure, but they were professionals and said nothing despite the heaviness in the air.
Heat billowed off the stove. Sauces bubbled. She savored the crisp rendering of her duck breasts, her bitch of a recipe that she’d known in her gut was solid Michelin gold. According to her guests last night, it had been.
She knew how to take pride in unrecognized work. For years, she’d toiled in the background, head down, putting out food at a high standard. She had to continue that here.
Until she figured out what came next…
When the orders stopped coming and guests turned to after-dessert conversation and digestives, she found peace in scrubbing the stove. She even volunteered to clean the grill.
Claude emerged from the front holding a bottle of Louis XIII.
Her body tensed. God, she’d forgotten Kyle had offered the staff a drink tonight.
Was Kyle in the restaurant? She didn’t ask, but she did inquire about serving the front the rare yellow Chartreuse she’d promised.
Of course, Kyle had already taken care of that too.
She went back to scrubbing until her hands were red and pruny.
Kyle didn’t appear as she and the staff sipped their drink, and when they began to say their goodbyes, she had to summon the effort to engage.
Exhaustion, the mental and the physical kind, was pressing down on her as surely as if a piano had squashed her.
She knew it didn’t mean she would sleep.
Dammit, she’d gotten used to her end-of-night routine with Kyle.
She pressed her hands to her eye sockets, because she finally could—and then jumped when she heard something whack the counter.
When she glanced over to give Rico a piece of her mind for scaring her, she froze in place. Kyle was standing in the kitchen, holding a red brick. Another rested on the counter—the one she’d heard drop heavily.
He was wearing a gray suit, no tie, with a white shirt underneath.
She loved that style on him. He didn’t have his usual Golden Boy glow, but it didn’t matter.
He was standing there, looking at her with those baby blues she loved, a soft smile on his face like he was glad to be seeing her too. Had he been here all along?
She realized she didn’t care. All she wanted to do was soak in the sight of him.
For a moment, they only stared at each other before guilt crawled up her throat. “Hey. Thanks for taking care of the whole drink swap. I forgot.”
Even now, his mouth curved, only it wasn’t wicked, but knowing and filled with the love and support she’d gotten so accustomed to since returning to Paris. “A lot happened.”
“Yeah.” She crossed her arms over her chest, glad he’d shown up to talk even if no good could come of it. “So…how do we do this?”
He swallowed thickly. “I have a few ideas.”
She’d do a headstand in the center of the kitchen if he said it would help. “I’m all ears. Are the bricks part of your thinking?”
“They are,” he answered, testing the weight of the one in his hand.
“More remodeling? Bashing your best friend’s head in because she can be an idiot?”
Another slow move of his Adam’s apple as he gave a painful smile. “Never. The bricks were inspired by Sawyer. We all met today. Nanine and Carl included. They came over after you’d visited Nanine. I hope you understand why I didn’t ask you. I needed help, and I didn’t know who else to turn to.”
Because she was the problem here. “I wondered why no one texted me. I’d expected Thea to show up teary-eyed at least. When it didn’t happen, I was a little disappointed honestly. But then again, I’ve got a sick sense of humor.”
“No, you’re pretty perfect.” He held out the brick. “I’m thinking you’ll be able to figure out my reasoning for this. Sawyer inspired it with a quote.”
She gestured to the brick. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”
“No. I’ve never liked that one.”
He wouldn’t. She didn’t either.
“Dean went cross-eyed when he heard the quote, but it’s pretty simple, if you ask me… Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it, and embrace them.”
Rubbing her forehead, she braced herself. Words like fear and barriers and love sounded like the proverbial meat grinder. But he was her best friend, and before they’d changed that, she’d listened to him. “All right. Run me through it.”
Holding up the brick, he studied it like she’d seen British actors study human skulls in weird dramas on PBS when she was a kid.
“This brick represents my walls. Because while you and our other friends might call me the Golden Boy, I’ve still got them, the way all of us do.
I try to protect myself with the belief that everything is under control and possible.
And I tend to hide behind that belief when I’m feeling really upset. Like I am now.”
God, he was going to lay himself bare. She had to purse her mouth to control her rising emotions. “I’m sorry about that. You know I am.”
“I do.” He didn’t glance away, letting her see the pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry too. So here’s my brick, representing all the walls I have in place.”
He let it fall to the ground with a great bang.
The sound caught her right in the heart.
“Funny, I was kinda hoping it would crack in two.” He shrugged and gave a strangled laugh. “More dramatic effect.”
She clamped her teeth over her lower lip. Oh God, she suddenly realized what he was going to do. “Kyle—”
“When I was a kid, any time I showed weakness—like crying or wanting affection—my dad would bring out his belt. He pretty much beat any tears or need for affection out of me. But last night, missing you, I couldn’t stop myself.
I broke down. I cried with Spike in my arms, and then I let him sleep with me.
Because I was hurting so bad, and that little guy…
He gave me comfort on the worst night of my life. ”
She had to blink back tears. Dammit, something was clawing frantically at her throat.
“I didn’t sleep well, mostly dozed finally, but when I woke up, I had a puppy nuzzling my face.
I remembered you weren’t in bed with me and what had happened, and I got upset all over again.
Spike got upset too when he couldn’t find you, but I’m not saying that to hurt you.
I’m saying it because we’re a family, Madison.
The three of us. I want you, and I want the family we’ve started. ”
Dashing at her eyes, she couldn’t look away as he held his arms open.
“My wall has been destroyed,” he continued. “I feel powerless right now. To help you win your star. I feel like I’ve failed you, and that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever admitted to anyone. Because I don’t fail. And I certainly don’t want to fail the person I love the most in the world.”
Dammit, tears were rolling down her face as his voice cracked.
“You have taught me that I can be me—the so-called Golden Boy—and your best friend and partner. You’ve let me be who I am. And now I’m showing you what I wouldn’t have had the guts to do before I dropped my final walls.”
Her lip started to tremble as he took a step toward her, his arms extended.
“You were right about Operation Kyle all along. I do have a huge need for love. I was starved for it as a kid. You gave me Spike because you knew. And I wanted a home. I bought one here in Paris for the people I consider family, and slowly they’ve found their life partners and moved on to make homes with them.
But that felt okay, because you are the heart of the home I want.
Welcoming you home at night is something I look forward to all day.
I love every minute we spend together. Mad, you’ve opened up my whole world, and I don’t want it to close down again. ”
He blew out a long breath, wiping his nose while she fought tears. That he was doing this—sharing all of his deepest feelings with her…
She didn’t even know how to take it all in. She just knew it had to be hard because even the thought of baring herself like he was doing scared the hell out of her.
“I understand all the reasons you left last night.” He gripped the back of his neck before lowering his hands to his sides. “But I don’t want or need you to protect me from some a-hole as Thea calls Dassault, who maybe might try and ruin me. I know you worry for the rest of our family—”
“I do,” she said hoarsely.
“They all agree with me,” he continued in that emotion-roughened voice, “and I made sure to have a long talk with Chef Marcel today to make sure he knew the situation. You’ll be pleased to know your old mentor swore quite fluently and told me he planned to send Auguste a personal invitation to the opening. ”
She was already shaking her head.
“Listen to me, Mad.” He waited until she met his serious gaze. “No one can ruin you unless you let them, and I won’t give him that power. Neither will our friends. So that’s business. Now, let’s get personal. I want to have the privilege of loving you and spending my life with you.”
“Oh, Kyle—”
“That would mean being in the same boat together, so to speak, come what may.” He pointed to her and then himself.
“I’ll bail with you when we have to, and I’ll hold you in my arms as the sun shines down on us.
We’re going to have more great days than bad ones—I can promise you that.
I once asked you to trust me, and you did. ”
She remembered. That moment had been one of the hardest ever, but it had gotten easier until she hadn’t thought about it anymore.
“Then I asked you to believe in me, and you tried.” He made a face. “Mostly. Now, I’m asking you to let me love you. Because I have a powerful desire to love you, Mad, and I know there won’t be anyone like you ever again if I let you walk away.”
She clenched her hands at her sides, her heart pounding in her ears.
“So I want you to take this other brick I brought and chuck it to the floor and let down your final walls too. Because I can’t get past your walls unless you decide to let me in. But I’m hoping after all we’ve been through, you’ll know you don’t need them anymore.”
The brick looked small when she thought about the walls she’d built around herself, ones she’d needed to survive and fight and make something of herself.
“I know you’re scared.” His voice sounded choked. “I am too, but I’m more afraid of losing you and letting you down.”
“You didn’t let me down,” she said hoarsely, no longer able to keep quiet. “You’ve done everything you can to help me. Dammit, Kyle, that’s not the issue here.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed again. “Mad, I don’t know what the future will hold and where you will win a Michelin star, but I know you will.”
She knew it too, because she wouldn’t stop—the whole path just looked overgrown with weeds right now.
“I know that’s always been your goal, but I want you to believe I’m going to be beside you every step of the way. Here in Paris or anywhere else. But more than anything else… I want home—with you.”
She wrapped her arms around herself. “I want that too. But I don’t think we can.”
He held the second brick out toward her. “You know what’s holding you back. Take those fears and all the crap you’ve experienced in the past and throw it on the ground. Break it into a million pieces. Then take my hand.”
Suddenly she remembered that recipe card Thea had brought her. She’d renamed it Madison’s Spicy Reality because she’d known it was going to take a totally new reality for her to be with Kyle.
But she’d done it.
And dammit, she’d been happier than she’d ever been in her entire life. He said she’d opened up his world. Well, he’d done the same for her.
He was right. She had been letting someone else—someone who was a complete a-hole—dictate her reality. And her awful past was joining in the chorus. That was stopping now.
She spanned the remaining steps between them and took the brick from him, watching as that smile she so loved flashed across his face.