Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
Jamie
Closing my eyes, I let the sun warm my face after a long day at work.
Contrary to what my husband thought, I was capable enough to find a job to support my girls and me.
It’s not easy work. My degree in human resources wasn’t terribly valuable after not using anything I learned in college over all those years, so I had to start from scratch and find an entry-level job.
Our home isn’t like the one we used to have too. That’s okay. We may not have a pool anymore, but we can always go to my parents’ house if we want to go swimming. We don’t live in a community with an HOA either anymore. I don’t miss that at all.
I came to realize the community I thought I had didn’t exist. Not really.
Oh, when we were living like everyone else with the perfectly manicured lawn courtesy of the landscaper and the home we could barely afford, our neighbors loved us.
They joined us for parties and barbeques outside near the pool, smiling and laughing as they drank our alcohol and ate the delicious food I carefully prepared.
As soon as trouble came our way, though, we weren’t even good enough to say hello to anymore.
That’s not the kind of community I want for my girls and me.
We don’t have as much of anything anymore, but what we do have we treasure.
I make enough for the girls to still be in gymnastics, and now that what happened with Connor isn’t news anymore and people have moved on, their teammates have returned to how they used to be with Cassandra and Danielle.
For my daughters’ parts, they’ve accepted their friendship, although I don’t know if they see it as temporary like I do.
Even the mothers have accepted me again.
Once they found out that Connor wasn’t a great husband, they came around to understanding that whatever he did had nothing to do with me or our children.
I’m polite when I see them, but now I know they were never truly my friends.
They may want me to let them back in, but I’ve learned my lesson.
If it wasn’t for Kelsey, I don’t know if I would have made it through this past year. When everyone else abandoned me, she was there listening to me talk about my problems and offering help. She even loaned me the money to get the apartment the girls and I live in now.
“Mom, can we go swimming?”
I open my eyes and see my older daughter smiling down at me. The late day sun behind her head makes her warm brown hair look like it has a golden halo behind it, like she’s an angel.
“What does your grandmother say? I thought I heard her talking about having a cookout for dinner tonight.”
My angel gives me a sly look and answers, “She hasn’t started cooking anything yet, so Danielle and I thought we could hang out in the pool for a little while. I promise we won’t give Grandma a hard time when she says it’s time to come out.”
She raises her hand in front of her like she’s swearing in court. I shake my head, amused by how funny she can be.
“Okay, but remember, no giving Grandma any hassle.”
Cassandra leans down and kisses my cheek. “Thanks, Mom!” As she runs away back into the house, I hear her yell, “She said we could! First one to the diving board wins!”
My daughters have handled this past year much better than I have.
I don’t know how, but it made them stronger.
Danielle even stood up to some boy who kept teasing her about Connor.
She never told me, but one night Cassandra mentioned it, and I was never prouder of the two of them than I was that night.
As for my marriage, that was a casualty of Connor’s mistake. Once the police determined it had to be him who killed Bryan, there was little left between the two of us. He wanted me to ignore the truth and stay loyal to him. I couldn’t. The truth made it impossible.
Next week, he goes on trial for the murder of Bryan Corsei. I know because those terrible reporters have started contacting me again. I thought I’d made it through that horrible experience and put it behind me, but they’ve returned again in the past couple weeks.
The sharks smell blood in the water, and they’re circling.
I’ve got nothing to say to them. I still can’t believe this is what our life turned into, but I can’t deny the truth any longer.
Connor killed that poor man. I don’t know why.
Maybe it was jealousy like the prosecutors say.
I did hear him complain that Bryan was the favorite of their boss more than once.
It took me a long time to come around to believing the man I married could do such a dreadful thing. Kelsey says that even people we would never suspect of anything heinous can have a secret side to them. She must be right.
Cuppa Cuppa is especially busy this morning, but it is a Saturday, so that’s probably why.
Now that I work Monday through Friday, I’ve come to genuinely appreciate weekends.
Before all of this happened, they were simply the days of the week I cleaned the house or had the girls’ friends over.
Now, I see those two days off in a different light.
Kelsey waves from the back of the coffee shop, so I give the girl behind the counter a quick smile before going back to join my friend. Our schedules are filled to the brim, but we take time out every Saturday to catch up and chat for a few hours.
“You look great today, Jamie! Doing something new with your hair?” she asks as I hang my purse off the back of the chair and sit down.
I smooth whatever fly-aways there are on the top of my head and smile. “Nothing new. To be honest, I think I need to get a haircut, but I just can’t find the time. I’m getting my usual. Do you need anything?”
She shakes her head. “No, I’m good. Thanks!”
After grabbing my iced latte and a blueberry scone heated and buttered, I head back to the table where Kelsey is sitting grinning at me. She looks like the cat that just ate the canary, so of course, I’m curious what she’s so happy about today.
“What’s this about?” I ask as I playfully point at her face.
She shrugs and shakes her head. “Nothing. I’m just so happy with how everything turned out.
You’ve done so well for yourself, Jamie, and after the year you’ve had, I think you deserve congratulations.
Other people would have crumbled under the weight of everything you had to deal with, but you didn’t, and I’m proud of you. ”
Beaming a smile after her kind words, I feel as happy as she looks.
“Thank you! It was hard. I felt guilty about not standing by Connor, but I had to keep my girls’ happiness uppermost in my mind.
To be honest, you get the credit for that.
I didn’t have the guts to stand up for them, but that day you told me I had to do what was right for them made me realize I needed to be their champion.
I’m sorry for what’s likely to happen to Connor.
I really am. I just had to do what any good mother would and protect my daughters. ”
Kelsey raises her plastic iced latte cup and taps it off of mine. “To Jamie and her strength!”
I’ll take it. There’s been so much bad these past twelve months that any good that comes my way I welcome with open arms.
“If I’m being honest, you deserve a toast as much as I do. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t around, Kelsey. When everyone decided I deserved to be treated as a leper, you were there for me. I don’t think I can ever repay you for that.”
She waves away any suggestion I owe her anything for her friendship.
“Nonsense. I did what any decent person would do. Whatever your husband did or didn’t do, that’s up to a jury to decide.
You aren’t Connor. You’re your own person who deserves to be treated with respect.
I can’t say what’s wrong with all those people you’ve told me about who abandoned you as soon as the rumors started about him killing that man, but I’ll say this. They didn’t deserve your friendship.”
I raise my cup and mimic what she did a minute ago. “To friendship! And thank you so much for being my friend.”
People begin to sit at the open tables around us making the coffee shop quite noisy, so we fall into a comfortable silence only good friends understand.
I can’t help but think back on the past year and my friendship with Kelsey.
I can’t count the times I felt so down, so deserted by everyone in my world that I barely dragged myself out of bed.
I didn’t have a choice, though. I had to for my girls.
And all along, Kelsey was there to support me every step of the way. She listened to everything I had to say about Connor, the good and the bad, and she never judged me. Unlike all those phony friends, she understood I didn’t deserve blame for what my husband did.
“Hey, you look a million miles away over there. Everything okay?” she sweetly asks.
I nod, happy that answer isn’t a lie anymore. “Yeah. I’m good. I was just thinking about everything that happened this past year. Who knew so much could be stuffed into three hundred and sixty-five days?”
Giving my hand a gentle squeeze, she sighs. “I’m hoping for your sake and your daughters’ sake that this coming year is going to be better. You aren’t going to the trial, are you?”
That answer doesn’t take any thought at all. I shake my head quickly because that’s the last place on earth I want to go.
“No. Connor refuses to speak to me since I filed for divorce, so I don’t see any reason why I’d go.
If I thought it would bring him some peace, I’d be right there for him because even though I know he did it, I still think he deserves a friendly face nearby.
He’s so full of hate for me right now, though, that it would probably only upset him. ”
She nods in that way that shows she cares and gives my hand another soft squeeze. “My mother always said you have to let people feel what they need to feel. He’s angry now, but I hope in the future he’ll see you did what you had to so those beautiful daughters of yours could be happy.”
“All he ever says is I left him when he needed me most. I don’t know how this makes me look, but I’ve never regretted leaving. I had to protect my girls.”
“And yourself. You always put yourself last, Jamie. I say for this coming year your goal should be putting yourself first for once.”
When she says things like that, and she has a few times recently, I always instantly feel guilty. I’ve tried to put Cassandra and Danielle first from the day they were born. I don’t know how to change that.
“I’m not sure I know how,” I say, not ashamed that I love my girls but feeling foolish that as a woman in the twenty-first century I don’t know how to put myself first.
Kelsey nods. “I get it. I had a hard time doing that too. For years, I felt like I was being selfish putting myself first, but ask yourself this. How good will you be for your children if you aren’t your best?”
I think about that for a few seconds and answer, “Not much, I guess.”
“You can’t do for others who need you when your cup is empty, Jamie.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.
Even more, your daughters will learn an important lesson if you do.
They’ll see they need to put themselves first too.
You’ll be teaching them how to treat themselves better. I wish someone had taught us that.”
She’s always so smart when we talk about things like this. I’ve gotten so used to her that I rarely even notice her scars anymore, but I have a feeling what caused them has made her see she had to look out for herself.
I remember her mentioning her husband a while back, but she rarely talks about him. Once she mentioned she met him after the terrible thing that happened to her all those years ago. He must be an incredible person to look past her scars to see the great person beneath them.
“So let’s switch gears. Have you considered dating any time soon? I know your divorce isn’t final yet, but it’s something to think about. You’re still young.”
A nervous chuckle explodes out of me when I think about getting back into the dating world again.
“Oh, God. I haven’t really given it any thought.
There’s a guy at the store I work at who’s always nice.
I thought maybe he might ask me out sometime, but so far, it’s just been friendly comments on break when we see one another. ”
I stop and then add, “Anyway, I think I should probably wait until the divorce is final. It won’t be much longer now.
Connor is too worried about his upcoming trial to drag his feet anymore.
We don’t have to haggle over custody or visitation, so at least there’s that.
But I’m not sure I’m ready to get back into dating just yet.
I’ve got a lot of baggage. I’m not sure any man would want to deal with that. ”
Kelsey’s mouth turns down into a deep frown. “What Connor did isn’t your fault. You share no blame for that. Any man who thinks you do isn’t the right one for you.”
Quickly, I work to make sure she knows I wasn’t meaning that.
“Oh, no. I was talking about having two daughters. Many men don’t want a ready-made family right out of the gate.
It’s okay. I don’t mind being alone for now.
It’s a new start for me, and I’m enjoying the freedom of it being just me and my girls. ”
“Well, I can get behind that too. Men can wait. Right now, it’s all about the Year of Jamie. I like that!”
The Year of Jamie. I think I love the sound of that, especially after the year I’ve just had.