Chapter 43
maggie
‘You can’t change your mind,’ Maggie said.
‘I haven’t,’ Nicky said.
‘We said we’d go right after prom. You promised.’
‘We will. I haven’t changed my mind.’
‘Finn says you’re meeting him at Raylan’s place tonight.’
Nicky dropped his voice. Rose was currently on the other side of the boat gossiping with CJ, one of the girls on the swim team with Finn, but his cousin had ears like a bat.
‘I’ll come back after I go to Raylan’s,’ he said. ‘There’s something I gotta do for Finn. One last thing before we . . . leave.’
She wanted to believe him.
Prom was every bit as humiliating as she’d expected. Rose had spent ages helping her with her hair and make-up, threading blue cornflowers through her long, dark hair, but Maggie knew she still looked like a pig.
A fat, ugly pig.
She’d turned her phone off so she didn’t have to see the comments piling up on her Insta, but she could still hear them in her head, pinging into her brain, little blue bubbles of poison and hate.
You fat blob of fail.
Fat people like you are disgusting. You should stay home so no one has to look at you or smell your stench.
Nicky must be fucking desperate.
You sad fat bitch, why don’t you just kill yourself now?
Maggie had heard the sniggers from Ashley and Darcey when she’d boarded the boat, the snarky comments about ballast and whales, but for once she’d let it all wash over her, because this time tomorrow, she’d be gone, far away from all of them.
She’d left a letter in her room detailing everything.
She’d explained about the deepfake photo, which had been the last straw, and Ms Gray’s threat to report it to the police.
She hadn’t named names, because she didn’t want to ruin anyone’s life, not even Ashley’s, but she’d told her mom how she’d tried to rise above it and take no notice like everyone had said, but it hadn’t made any difference.
Maybe, she’d said, once she’d gone, Ms Gray would have to take the bullying seriously.
Perhaps it’d be easier for the next girl who looked like Maggie.
But Maggie wouldn’t be surprised if nothing changed. Because, honestly, the bullies were right. She was a waste of space. When had something she’d done made a difference or changed anything? Once everyone got over the shock of her exit, it’d be as if she’d never existed.
She knew Nicky wasn’t going to do it with her, even though he’d made a show of considering the idea; but really, he was just trying to make her feel less alone.
Even though he was unhappy and stressed, and she knew something really bad was going on in his life, something awful he couldn’t tell her about, he didn’t want to die.
He didn’t want to leave his mom and dad, or Finn and Rose.
He wasn’t going to help her do it, like he’d promised.
He still thought he could talk her out of it; that’s why he’d agreed to be there with her.
She had all the pills in her bag; she could still take them on her own, but she’d been relying on Nicky to make sure she took enough before she passed out, and she wasn’t sure she could get it right by herself.
The last thing she wanted was to wake up again.
It wasn’t Nicky’s fault. He loved her too much. But she was going to have to think of another way.
She really didn’t want to upset anyone. She didn’t want anyone to have to find her body; she knew how awful that’d be. If only she could just disappear into the night, it’d be so much easier for everyone.
It was getting cold. People were drifting inside, shoving past her, stepping on her feet without even noticing she was there.
Her mom and Ms Gray stopped to talk to them, but Maggie wasn’t really listening.
She’d already withdrawn to that place deep inside herself where no one could reach her.
Mom squeezed her shoulder as she went past, don’t catch chill, honey, and Maggie watched her go inside, where the party was, where the fun was, and she didn’t feel sad thinking of her mom being alone without her anymore.
She didn’t feel anything.
Rose came back and said something to Nicky about needing to talk, we’ll be back in a minute, Mags, but Maggie wasn’t paying attention.
She watched them move out of earshot, feeling oddly detached and far away, like she was looking down the wrong end of a telescope.
She saw Nicky gesticulating angrily towards the main cabin.
She couldn’t hear what he was saying, but it didn’t really matter.
He’d sort out whatever was going on in his life, and he’d get over Maggie leaving, and then he’d move on, the way he should, the way she wanted him to.
She jumped when the door at the end of the galley near her suddenly flew open and two people spilled onto the deck.
Nicky’s mom and Ashley Lincoln.
Maggie didn’t want to eavesdrop on them, because she could already tell their heated conversation was meant to be private. But if she got up now, they’d know she’d heard them. So she shrank into the darkness, trying to make herself smaller; always, always, trying to make herself smaller.
Ms Gray was gripping Ashley’s wrist. Ashley tried to pull away, but Ms Gray held on, and the girl stumbled in her high heels.
Maggie was shocked; she’d never seen Nicky’s mom angry before.
‘You’re hurting me,’ Ashley said.
‘I want some answers from you.’
‘This is assault—’
‘So scream. No one’s going to hear you over this music,’ Ms Gray said. ‘And if they do, perhaps you can explain to them what you were doing kissing my husband.’
Maggie jerked upright, as if someone had slapped her.
Ashley and Mac?
He was, like, an old man. He was Nicky’s dad.
‘I don’t know what you’re—’
‘I saw you on the Ring camera, Ashley.’
Ashley snatched her hand free, but she didn’t try to leave.
‘Why don’t you ask your husband about it?’ she said, rubbing her wrist.
‘I’m asking you.’
Ashley tilted her chin defiantly. ‘So what if I did kiss him?’
Maggie could see Ms Gray’s face clearly in the light spilling from the cabin. She looked like she wanted to strangle Ashley with her bare hands.
‘You . . . stupid . . . little . . . girl,’ Ms Gray said.
Her voice was calm and super quiet. Maggie found that way scarier than if she’d shouted, but Ashley didn’t seem to care.
‘Your husband doesn’t seem to think I’m a little girl,’ she said nastily.
Maggie pressed her lips together, trying not to make a sound. She didn’t know how Ashley dared. But then popular girls like her were used to getting their own way.
‘You’re playing a very dangerous game, Ashley,’ Ms Gray said.
‘Is that a threat?’
‘You may think you have the upper hand because you’re young and pretty, but trust me, you’re in way over your head.’
‘You’re not the boss of me,’ Ashley said, like a four-year-old. ‘You don’t get to talk to me like this.’
‘I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish, but you need to stay away from my husband,’ Ms Gray said.
‘You rank old bitch,’ Ashley sneered.
Ms Gray suddenly grabbed Ashley’s wrist again, yanking the girl close.
‘Whatever you think you know about me,’ Ms Gray hissed, ‘think again.’