Chapter 12
It’s a few minutes into the second period when Sophia and I make our way back into the family box we’ve been watching Niko’s game from.
There were a couple other moms in here with their babies but they’re back in the enclosed area so they can sleep, which leaves the entire balcony viewing area for ourselves.
“You’re right, Miss Sadie. This frozen lemonade is so much yummier than a Slurpee.” She sucks down half the frozen drink before squeezing her eyes shut abruptly. “Ah! Brain freeze!”
I can’t help but throw my head back and laugh.
When Sophia asked for a “red freezie drink,” I immediately shot that down.
I’m not sure what Niko’s policy is on red dye, but it’s my belief that that shit came straight from the devil.
I wasn’t going to deal with the after effects of her drinking a pint of that stuff on my own.
“Slow down, girl. We’re going to have to go use the bathroom before this period is even over if you keep gulping down that drink,” I say, while pointing at her cup.
She nods, then sets it in the cup holder next to her.
“You’re right. I should save some and eat this popcorn.
” Sophia reaches over into the empty seat next to her where she placed her giant tub of popcorn I bought her during the first period.
Reaching down into the tub, she grabs a handful of the buttery goodness and shoves it in her mouth, dropping about half of it into her lap.
Sophia doesn’t seem to mind the mess she’s making, so I just smile and shake my head before turning my attention back to the game.
The Bobcats and D.C. Stars are tied 1–1.
It’s been a pretty chippy game, with both teams taking far too many unnecessary penalties.
We’re extremely high up from the ice, so I can’t hear the words coming out of Lincoln’s mouth right now.
But based on how red his face is on the Jumbotron, I’d say he’s not too happy with the penalty they just called on Jefferson.
Man, he’s really giving it to the ref right now.
Sophia points to the ice as the Bobcats make a line change before they go onto the penalty kill. “Look! Daddy’s out there.”
I look over to respond and see her big smile transform into confusion. I’m about to ask what’s wrong when she speaks again.
“How come the Bobcats only have four guys on the ice but the white team has five?”
Thanks to my best friend being a total badass, I’ve watched enough hockey games to know the answer to this question.
“One of the players on the Bobcats got a penalty. He has to go sit in the penalty box for two minutes.” I point to the box where Jefferson is currently squirting water onto his head.
“OOOOOO. Kyle is in timeout,” Sophia says, as if she’s teasing a classmate who just got in trouble.
This girl is too damn cute. I know she’s super close with Connor, but now I wonder if she calls all the guys by their first names. “Yep, he sure is, Sophia. Do you know all the players on your dad’s team?
Sophia shoves another handful of popcorn in her mouth, not bothering to swallow it all before answering my question.
“Mm-hmm. They all come over for family dinner sometimes. They’re my family, you know.
” Bits and pieces of popcorn go flying as she continues to talk.
“I love having so many people in my family, but…”
Sophia’s words trail off and she scrunches her nose up. It’s the same thing I do when I’m trying to fight off tears. As if on cue, a tear falls down Sophia’s cheek and into her bucket of popcorn.
As quickly as I can, I put my water in my cup holder and kneel down in front of her. “Hey. What’s wrong sweet girl?”
Sophia uses the back of her hand to wipe the tear away.
She’s looking down into her popcorn, looking far more embarrassed than any four-year-old should possibly feel.
I give her time to work through her big emotions, brushing my thumb back and forth across her knee, not wanting to push for information.
She’ll tell me when she’s ready. If she’s ready.
I’m not sure how long I stay crouched in front of her as Sophia silently cries to herself. It must be at least two minutes because I hear the crowd go wild after the announcer says, “The Bobcats are now back at full strength.”
Sophia finally looks up from her popcorn. Her hazel eyes are wet with tears, appearing almost dark green with her mood change. She searches my eyes, trying to decide if she wants to tell me what’s bothering her. I give her knee a little squeeze and give her some reassurance.
“You don’t have to tell me what’s bothering you if you don’t want, Sophia. But I want you to know that you can trust me.”
Sophia’s head tilts to the side and sniffles. “What does trust mean?”
I pretend to think about it for a second, tapping my chin as I’m deep in thought.
“Trust means that if you tell me something, I promise to listen. Also, if it’s something you don’t want me to share with anyone else, I won’t.
Your words are safe with me. But if I think it’s important you tell your dad, well, then maybe we can work together to figure out a way to tell him. How does that sound?”
Sophia sniffles and then nods her head. “Okay. I trust you.”
The sincerity in her voice makes my heart leap. This little girl continues to amaze me. Taking my thumb and wiping away the last of her tears from her cheek, I ask softly, “What’s making you feel sad, Sophia?”
Sophia sets the tub of popcorn in the seat next to her and then wipes her hands down her legs. I thought she was wiping the butter away, but she continues the movement, appearing to be extremely nervous.
Seconds ago, this sweet girl was making my heart soar, and now I feel my heart cracking in my chest. What in the world has her so distraught at such a young age?
I grab her hands with mine and hold on tight. Finally, she looks up at me. When she starts talking, it’s barely above a whisper. With the noise of the arena, I need to lean in so I can hear her words.
“Why do the Bobcats love me more than my mommy loves me?”
Oh, my heart.
Without thinking, I let go of Sophia’s hands and wrap her in a hug of all hugs. “Come here, baby girl.”
This poor baby. She’s dealing with heartbreak before a girl should ever know what that feels like.
I don’t know a thing about Sophia’s mom, but I suddenly want to burn the world down to find her so I could shake her and ask her how she could let her daughter feel this way. I may also want to beat the shit out of her with my nunchucks, but that’s neither here nor there.
Sophia’s little arms wrap around my neck and squeeze me in a way that tells me she’s holding onto so much more than just sadness. I swear I can feel the anger, grief, and disappointment coming off her in waves.
Taking a deep breath, I try to block out the crowd around me and focus on the little girl in front of me.
Looking in between her eyebrows, I try to focus on the energy and light surrounding Sophia.
It takes me a moment but once my mind is centered, I finally sense it.
I notice a shift in Sophia’s aura. Sophia is usually surrounded in bright color—mostly orange and yellows, indicating joy and happiness.
The colors around the edges appear dull now.
There’s even a dark red hue, indicating anger, that I hadn’t noticed before.
Sensing auras is something I’ve been able to do ever since college. It took a lot of practice and training, but I found a holistic chakra training class near my university in Colorado that changed my life. The instructor there became my mentor, and I have her to thank for the person I am today.
It’s something my peers in college would constantly make fun of me for.
You’d think people would grow out of it, but I was always the weird girl who went to chakra training.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me back then.
But here, in this moment with Sophia, I’m thankful for every minute I spent learning about mindfulness and auras because it helps me better understand what’s going on with a person.
It’s helping me to know that, right now, Sophia is hurting, and she’s angry about it too.
We hold on to each other for so long, it’s not until the buzzer sounds signaling the end of the second period that I realize I’ve been holding Sophia for over ten minutes. The piercing sound causes us both to break apart, but I grab Sophia’s hands, letting her know that I’m still here with her.
“Why doesn’t she love me, Miss Sadie?” The crack in her voice matches the one in my heart. If I knew how, I’d take away all of her pain and carry it myself.
Choosing my words carefully, I choose to defend this horrible woman I don’t even know.
I know enough to know she’s broken her daughter’s heart, but Sophia deserves to know that she’s loved, even if her mother doesn’t know how to show it.
I remember what it’s like to feel this way about my own parents, and I don’t wish that upon anyone.
“Sophia, I don’t know your mom, but I can’t imagine anyone not loving you.
You’re kind, funny, and give the best hugs.
” Sophia’s lips turn up, hinting at a smile, so I continue, trying like hell to make that smile stick.
“I think maybe she just doesn’t know how to love you.
Maybe no one taught her how. I bet your dad teaches you how to love every day by showing you just how much he loves you, doesn’t he? ”
The mention of Niko has Sophia breaking into a real smile for the first time since the start of the second period. Thank god.
“Oh yeah. My daddy loves me so much. Even when he’s super tired after work, he comes home and plays with me. He hangs all my pictures in the kitchen. He tells me how special I am every night when he tucks me into bed. He even lets me sleep in his bed when I get scared.”
I’m not surprised one bit to hear Sophia talk so highly of her dad. You can feel the love radiating off him whenever Sophia is near. I make sure to let Sophia know we can all tell how much he loves her too.
“He sounds like the best dad in the whole world.” Sophia nods her head vigorously, so happy and proud to talk about her dad. “When I came to your house on Thanksgiving, I didn’t even know you guys yet, but I could see how much your daddy loved you.”
“How?”
Thoughts of Niko on Thanksgiving flash through my mind.
Much to my dismay, Niko didn’t take notice of me once that day.
But I get it now. His eyes were locked on Sophia every chance he could get.
I know this because my eyes always seemed to find him throughout the day.
Hoping maybe his eyes would find mine. I guess I can’t be too mad now, knowing that his daughter is the center of his universe. It only makes me like him more.
“I could tell because even when he was talking to his teammates or coaches, his eyes were on you and he was smiling. It’s like no matter what was going on, he wanted to be looking at you. That’s how much he loves you.”
Sophia bounces in her seat now, seeming to be much happier than she was five minutes ago when she was thinking about her mom who disappeared on her.
Note to self: If Sophia appears to be sad, just talk about how much her dad loves her.
I don’t think I’ll have too much trouble doing that.
My knees ache when I finally stand to take my seat next to Sophia. It’s so funny to me how kids can go from zero to sixty and back again in such a short period of time.
I’m grateful Sophia can bounce back from such a low moment so quickly, but seeing how devastated she was sits in the back of my mind as the players take the ice for the third period.
I don’t want to bring it up again, but this is definitely something Niko should know about. Thankfully, I told Sophia that we need to tell her dad the important stuff. Hopefully she agrees this is important.
The Bobcats have twenty minutes to figure out how to win this game, and I have twenty minutes to figure out how I’m going to convince a four-year-old we need to tell her dad how and why she was sad today.
This should be a fun third period.