Chapter 44
My heart is breaking but I refuse to turn around and beg Niko to ask me to stay. He chose me once and I thought that was it. I was so fucking stupid to believe that I might have found my forever. It’s not in my cards and I should’ve trusted my gut from the beginning.
No one has ever chosen me. Not my parents. Not any of my exes. And apparently not Niko.
Well, this time, I’m choosing myself.
I’m running on autopilot and have no idea where I’m headed.
I end up in my apartment and grab my bag that’s hanging on the entryway hook.
I search for my car keys. Well, I guess it’s not going to be my car for much longer, but I push that thought aside and race out to the garage anyway once I find them.
If I stay in my apartment tonight, I’m going to be up all night thinking about Niko and hoping he shows up at my apartment door to change his mind. I don’t have it in me to be disappointed any more than I already am and I don’t think my heart could handle it.
And…oh my god. Sophia. How is she going to feel when she wakes up tomorrow and I’m gone? The tears I’ve been crying come harder now at the thought. The press of guilt and regret cracking my heart in two. I never wanted that beautiful little girl to get hurt.
Climbing into the driver’s seat, I open the garage and leave before I lose the courage.
The only other place I’ve ever felt like home was when I was with Ellie.
I pull over on the side of the road and plug in her address on the navigation system.
There’s not much traffic at this hour, so it’s only going to take twenty minutes to get there.
I suck in a deep breath and will myself not to cry while I’m driving.
“You can do this, Sadie. You will not come apart at the seams while driving this car.”
I press play on my Spotify playlist and Harry Styles filters through the speakers, helping to keep my tears at bay.
Carefully, I pull back onto the road and start my journey to Ellie’s house. Twenty minutes until I can fall apart in my best friend’s arms.
I pull up to Ellie and Lincoln’s bungalow-style house, the antique lamp post illuminating in the dead of the night, and park my car next to Ellie’s.
I’ve picked up Ellie from here a few times before she officially moved in a couple weeks ago, and I still can’t believe Lincoln was able to find this rental house in the city before the season started.
Slowly, I make my way up to their porch and lean onto the white handrail, trying to compose myself a bit before knocking.
Lincoln answers the door, and as soon as he sees my tear-streaked face he excuses himself to the bedroom. Ellie shoves him out of the way and pulls me into a hug, not asking a single question.
Silently, we snuggle up on the couch, bowls of ice cream in hand, and we turn on one of our favorite movies for the millionth time.
I’m debating how to bring up what happened with Niko when Ellie reaches over and grabs the remote. She pauses the movie and then turns to face me on the couch.
“What happened with Niko? When I left earlier, you two were practically ignoring the rest of the party making eyes at each other. Do we need to trade him to a new team? I don’t think Lincoln will be on board but I’ll convince him if I have to.”
I finish the last bite of my Moose Tracks and put my bowl on the table next to me. “We were not making eyes at each other.”
Ellie rolls her eyes. “You absolutely were. But that’s not what matters right now. What has you crying on my couch at eleven o’clock at night? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry, Sadie.”
I’m about to tell Ellie she’s ridiculous, but then I think back to the last few years we’ve spent as roommates.
Aside from the occasional therapeutic shower cry, nothing ever affected me enough to bring me to tears.
The realization that the significance of what happened between Niko and me is much more important than anything that’s occurred in my life over the past four years makes me cry again.
Ellie panics, shoving her ice cream behind her on the couch and wrapping her arm around my shoulders and pulling me into her. “Shit. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I’m just worried.”
After a few seconds I finally compose myself and wipe my face clean.
“You didn’t make me feel worse. Remembering what happened with Niko did.”
I debate how much I want to tell her but then pour my heart out.
I tell her how easy everything is between us, how we fit into each other’s lives seamlessly, and even though she grimaces, I even tell her how good the sex was.
Then I go on to tell her about the text he found and our conversation tonight.
“He told me to go. So that’s what I did.”
Ellie doesn’t say anything for a minute, she simply taps her finger against her leg as she seems to think over everything I just told her.
“So, you hesitated when he asked if you were thinking about taking the job?”
I nod once. I still don’t know why I hesitated when he asked me that question.
Did I think about it last week when I spoke to Mark about his plans?
Absolutely. Managing a yoga retreat would be the dream.
I know people will call me crazy, but over the past few weeks working with Niko and being with Sophia, my dreams may have changed a bit.
They’ve opened my eyes to see what a life with a family and a dream could be.
Moving to Denver would only give me half of that.
I think I hesitated when he asked because I wanted to tell him everything I’ve been feeling but got scared.
What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if I poured my heart out to him and he still told me to go?
“Why did you hesitate, Sadie?”
“I was scared, Ellie! I didn’t want him to know I thought about it and then ultimately decided I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t leave him and Sophia.
How could he even think I’d want to leave?
After everything we’ve been through! It wasn’t even a possibility for me, but hearing him ask me that gave me pause.
If he thinks there’s a possibility I’d leave, is he really feeling what I’m feeling?
What if I told him how I felt and he still told me to go?
Every single person I’ve ever loved has left me behind.
At least this way I saved myself the embarrassment, I guess. ”
A self-deprecating sound leaves my mouth as more tears stream down my face.
Ellie hands me a tissue and waits for me to calm down. Once I’ve stopped crying, again, she grabs my hand.
“Sadie, I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes.
I will never understand how your parents and your family made the choice to not be in your life.
You are one of the most caring, thoughtful, supportive people I’ve ever met.
I am lucky to have you in my life. But Niko is not them.
As a matter of fact, he is one of the most selfless human beings on the planet.
Honestly, he’s selfless to a fault. When you didn’t answer his question, I’m sure he thought that meant you were considering the job.
If I had to guess, he saw this wonderful opportunity in front of you and didn’t want to be the one to hold you back. ”
Her words cause more tears to fill my eyes but she keeps going.
“I’m not telling you what to do, but I think you need to tell Niko how you feel. Whatever you decide, just don’t get on a plane to Denver without at least doing that. You’ll never forgive yourself if you do.”
“I’ll think about it.”
She gives me a hug then pulls back, but doesn’t make a move to leave.
“You can go to bed. I’m okay now. Thanks for talking this through with me.”
Ellie eyes me skeptically. “Are you sure? I can stay out here for as long as you need me.”
“I’m sure.”
Ellie stands and grabs our empty bowls. Before she heads to the kitchen she turns back to me. “I love you, Sades. Text me if you need me.”
“I will. Love you too.”
She walks to the kitchen and deposits our dishes into the sink before disappearing up the stairs.
I slink down onto the couch and curl into a ball, cocooning myself inside the knit throw blanket I’ve been using all night. Maybe Ellie is right. Maybe Niko was afraid he’d be holding me back. He could’ve said that. He could’ve said anything. Instead, all he did was tell me to go to Denver.
The other night, he was so adamant about me staying, even if I didn’t have a job with the Bobcats. Why did that all of a sudden change? Part of me wants to believe Ellie but the other part of me still isn’t convinced. It doesn’t matter what the job is, why didn’t he ask me to stay anyway?
My self-doubt begins to creep up, making sleep almost impossible to come by.
When I do manage to fall asleep, I’m awoken by nightmares.
They’re all the same. It starts with me and Niko happy together somewhere, him slowly fading away from me, me screaming out to him, and by the time he’s gone, I jolt awake.
The sun isn’t even up yet when I give up on trying to fall back asleep.
I wrap the blanket around me, grab my phone off the table, and head to the front porch.
There’s still a chill to the air in the mornings sometimes.
It’s like we get multiple seasons in one day here.
I pull the blanket tighter across my chest and take a seat on one of the wooden rocking chairs.
For the first time since I got here last night, I unlock my phone. I suck in a breath, not knowing what to expect. Half hoping Niko sent me a text or tried calling me, the other half wanting a little bit more time to figure out where my head is at.
There’s only one message waiting for me. And it’s from Niko. It was sent at two o’clock in the morning. Apparently I wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping last night.
Niko
When I told you that you should go, I didn’t mean tonight. That yoga retreat has been your dream. I’d love to see that come true for you. I understand you may need space to figure things out but I’ll be waiting at home when you’re ready.
Home. But it’s not my home, is it? It’s never been my home.
I thought that maybe it could be one day, but everything is a big question mark now.
I appreciate Niko respecting me needing space and I’m grateful the season is over.
Niko doesn’t have anything team related for the time being, so I’m not needed with Sophia right now.
He’ll have training over the summer and commitments but we have yet to discuss those things.
Will we even be discussing them anymore?
God, my head hurts. The lack of sleep is making me way more emotional and negative than I normally would be.
My mind drifts to Sophia. How is she going to react to me not being there today?
On days when I don’t need to care for her, I’m almost always still around hanging out with them.
I’m sure Niko will handle that conversation with grace, hopefully just telling her I’m with my best friend today, but I still hate that he’s even in that position.
She’s been through enough as it is, and the thought of being someone who leaves her makes me physically ill.
The front door creaks open, and I’m surprised when I see it’s Lincoln joining me on the porch and not Ellie.
“Morning,” he says gruffly. He hands me a cup of coffee and sits in the rocking chair next to me. “I wasn’t sure how you take your coffee, but Ellie is a coffee snob so I figured I’d make it the way she likes it. Mine is black if you want to switch.”
I take the mug from his hand, grateful for the small gesture. “Thanks, Lincoln. I’m no snob but having been Ellie’s roommate for years, I learned to adjust my standards.”
He chuckles next to me then quietly sips his coffee.
The sun is finally starting to peek over the trees in the distance.
There’s something about that first morning light that instantly boosts my mood.
I’m not sure if it’s the calming glow or the start of a new day, but I’m breathing easier with each inch as the sun rises in the sky.
Lincoln’s voice steals my attention away from the sunrise. “Ellie didn’t give me details, girl code and all that, I just want to make sure you’re okay. I have no problem calling Niko into my office and making him skate down and backs until he pukes if he deserves it.”
I nearly spit my coffee back into my cup. I was not expecting him to say that. After I wipe my chin clean of coffee, I turn to look at Lincoln.
“I appreciate the gesture. I think? But that’s not necessary. I just need to make some decisions about my future, and the conversation with Niko did not go as I would have hoped.”
Lincoln seems to ponder my comment and takes another sip of his coffee.
“Well, I hope you two can work it out. I don’t know what happened, but if it has to do with a decision about your future, I can probably guess what he said.
Niko isn’t one to ask for help or speak up for what he wants.
He’s a team guy. That’s why he makes a great captain.
He’s always gonna do whatever it takes to help everyone else out.
Sometimes, that means putting himself last—both on and off the ice. ”
I’ve known since the day I met Niko he loves to take care of the people around him. He’s selfless to the point where sometimes he neglects his own care. Of course he’d do that when it comes to a relationship too. His history with Claire doesn’t help matters at all either.
Lincoln and I sit together in silence, sipping our coffee and watching the sun rise.
Both he and Ellie have given me a lot to think about.
Niko was right when he said the yoga retreat is a dream opportunity.
If I didn’t have these feelings for him, it would be an easy decision.
I know he deserves to know what’s in my heart, but this sinking feeling of fear in my gut will not go away.
To make matters worse, my phone lights up with a text from my old boss.
Mark
Things moved along quicker than we anticipated.
We’ve bumped the grand opening to next week.
I know it’s a month earlier than expected, but we’re hoping to appeal to people before summer vacation hits.
If you need more time to decide, I understand.
But we’d love to have you here when we open. Give me a call when you can.
I guess I don’t have as much time as I thought to figure this out. Wonderful.