Chapter 15 Maya
Maya
Eighteen days to the match
I almost recoil at the sight of Dina in the bathroom doorway.
I wasn’t expecting to run into her here at the dawat and I certainly wasn’t expecting to run into her here.
I thought I would be safe here from all the probing questions from everyone, about what I’m up to now, and how will I get a good job without a proper university degree?
They weren’t saying it with any form of judgement, but I could still see the sympathy behind their eyes with every word.
I’d had enough of it, and I needed to get away. But it isn’t like there is a place to get away at a dawat. There are people around every corner. Apparently, even in the bath-room.
‘What are you doing here?’ Dina demands.
‘I didn’t know you were the only one allowed to use the bathroom,’ I say.
Dina fixes me with a glare. ‘I should have known it was you, hammering at the door like you’re entitled to the bathroom or something.’
I scoff, because I certainly wasn’t hammering at the door. And if I was, it’s only because everything at this dawat has been much more overwhelming than I was expecting. Seeing Dina was just the last straw.
‘I wasn’t hammering, but I would appreciate it if you would move.’ I make a motion with my hand for her to scootch out of the bathroom, but it’s clearly the wrong thing to do.
‘I’m not done, actually.’
‘Are you serious?’ I know Dina can be childish – but this is going a bit overboard.
‘There are other bathrooms in this place. Go find one of those.’ With that, Dina makes to close the bathroom door on me, but I step forward, pushing my way past her, so that the door shuts behind the both of us.
Dina shoots me another glare. ‘Fine. Whatever. I’ll go and find another bathroom then,’ she huffs.
She twists the handle, but the door doesn’t open. Dina’s expression quickly shifts from anger to one of panic. She pulls at the door, desperation clear in her face.
‘Don’t tell me that—’
‘It’s stuck.’
Dina turns to me with another glare, like this is somehow my fault. ‘It was fine before. I locked it behind me and I opened it no problem.’
‘I didn’t even touch the door.’ I hold up my hands defensively, not that that makes Dina back up in any way. ‘Here, let me try.’
I move past Dina, trying my best not to touch her, though this whole bathroom is filled with the familiar earthy scent of her and it’s a little overwhelming.
Twisting the doorknob, I pull, but it doesn’t budge in the slightest. I try knocking on the door and calling out.
‘Hello? Is anybody out there?’ But all I hear is the ongoing muffle of noises drifting up from the party downstairs. ‘Shit …’
‘They’re not going to hear us, unless they come upstairs,’ Dina says. She already sounds like she’s given up, which is so typical of her that it makes a prickle of anger run through me. Dina has always been quick to give up. On everything, big or small.
I try banging on the door, louder now. But there’s still no response.
I slip out my phone and try to call Amma, then Abba, but there’s no response from either of them. By the time I turn back to Dina, she’s sitting with the toilet seat down, studying me with a grim expression.
‘If you hadn’t tried to barge in here, this wouldn’t have happened,’ she says.
‘Why don’t you try calling someone?’ I ask.
‘I did. I texted Deen, but he hasn’t replied. He probably doesn’t even have his phone on him, I don’t know.’
‘Well, it’s not my fault. You were being ridiculous.’
Dina stands up suddenly and starts walking towards me. I feel my face flush as she advances, unsure of what exactly she’s doing.
‘If you have to use the bathroom, I’ll turn away,’ she says, stopping just a few paces ahead of me.
My face heats up even more at that idea. I shake my head quickly. ‘I don’t actually have to use the bathroom,’ I admit. ‘I just …’ I pause, unsure of what I should even say … ‘needed a moment to myself.’
Dina frowns. ‘Oh.’ She pauses for a beat and adds, ‘Why?’
‘I don’t know. Just a little overwhelming, being here, seeing everyone.’ I shrug. I definitely don’t want to get into it with Dina. I’m not sure I want to get into it with anyone. I came up here to try to get away from all my spiralling thoughts and anxieties, not to ruminate on them further.
‘I would have thought you’d be loving all the attention. The prodigal daughter returns,’ Dina says, her voice bitter.
I wonder if that’s what Dina really thinks of me – that I’m someone who is obsessed with attention, who loves to live in the limelight.
I shouldn’t be surprised. Back in school, she thought that I was a teacher’s pet who would do anything to have the attention of the teachers over her.
There were years of bitterness between us before she admitted that was why she hated me so much – she saw me as someone who had everything but still wanted more.
It was getting to know each other that had shattered those illusions about me, and I guess she’d had to shatter some of the illusions I had about her too.
It had felt brave back then, opening myself up to Dina. Sharing things with her I’d never shared with anybody else. And she’d seen me, understood me. Or at least I thought that she had.
Because when things had gone wrong – when Dina didn’t get what she wanted – she turned on me so easily, it felt like she just flicked a switch. Then, opening myself up in the way I had felt foolish: like I had offered my heart to Dina on a platter, ready for her to break it into a million pieces.
‘I don’t,’ I reply simply. I turn away from her and go for the door once again. It rattles stubbornly against the doorframe. But it doesn’t give even an inch, and I sigh, collapsing against it.
‘Are you going to Zul’s wedding next month?’ Dina asks suddenly. ‘I’m guessing she’s invited you, now that you’re back.’
‘I don’t know, I haven’t decided.’
Dina sighs. ‘Well, let me know. If you go, then I can’t.’
I look at Dina once more, pressing my lips together as I study her. ‘Is this really what it’s going to be like? We’re just going to avoid each other, and when we can’t, we’re going to snipe at one another?’ I ask.
Dina looks surprised by the question, though I don’t know why she should be.
Ever since I’ve known I was coming back, I’ve been going over everything about our past, obsessing over when I’d inevitably run into her again, what I’d say, what she’d say.
Never in a million years did I expect things to be the way they are – I couldn’t have predicted us suddenly finding ourselves to be rival football coaches.
But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to find another way.
‘Do you have a better solution? Because it’s not like we can be friends.’ She says it so matter-of-factly that it sends an ice-pick through my heart.
I still remember when the two of us couldn’t bear to spend any time away from each other.
When we weren’t hanging out at school or practising football in the park, we were at each other’s places.
But now we’re strangers to one another. I don’t even recognise this Dina, with her air of defensiveness and bitterness.
A Dina who barely deigns to give me a passing glance.
‘I’m not leaving, Dina. I’m not going back to America, and my parents are here.
We’re going to run into each other at dawats, weddings, on the streets …
who knows where else? Wouldn’t it be better if we weren’t always glaring at each other across the room?
I don’t know why we can’t at least be civil with each other now. ’
Dina finally looks up at me properly. If I thought her glares from before were bad, this is ten times worse. It seems to go through me, sending a chill down my spine.
‘You do know why we can’t be civil with each other,’ she says.
‘Don’t pretend that we’re just two people who broke up or drifted apart.
Do you even know what I’ve been doing these past few years?
I’ve been working in fucking finance, hating every minute of my life, but just trying to make ends meet.
All the while, I’ve been thinking about the fact that things could have been different – I could have had what you had, if only you hadn’t taken it all from me.
And now you’re back here, pretending that you’re somehow the wronged party.
Like I’m the bad guy because I’m not smiling and laughing and embracing you with open arms. Did you even think about me once when you were gone? ’
I’m so stunned that I can only blink at Dina for a moment.
Her anger and bitterness is not something I’m alien to.
I still replay the moment when she marched into my house all those years ago and ended things, blaming me for everything.
And now she’s here again, doing the exact same thing.
It’s like no time has passed at all. I’m still the one to blame, I’m still the villain who ruined Dina’s life.
But that’s not even what hurts the most.
‘You really think I haven’t thought about you since I left?’ I ask.
A flash of surprise appears on Dina’s face, but I don’t give her a chance to respond. Suddenly, the words are pouring out of me.
‘I thought of you every day when I was gone. I tried so hard to stop, to forget you. But … it’s easier said than done.
’ I let out a small, humourless laugh. The sleepless nights I spent after our break-up, reconsidering everything and anything, aren’t something I can forget.
I don’t know how Dina can even entertain the idea that I’ve spent all these years not thinking about her.
Dina stares at me, unblinking, like she’s looking through me. It makes my mouth dry up like a desert. ‘That doesn’t … change anything,’ she finally says, her voice slightly hoarse. Like even she doesn’t fully believe that.
I want to ask her if she thought about me too, but I know it will come out pathetic and sad. Thankfully, that’s when the sound of marching footsteps from outside the door interrupts us.
‘Dina? Are you in there?’ a familiar voice asks.
The next minute, the door is flung open from the other side, and Dina’s older brother is peering in at us from the doorway.
‘Maya … hey,’ Deen says, sounding and looking confused as his eyes flick from me to his sister. ‘Dina, I got your text. How long have you guys been stuck up here?’
‘Too long,’ Dina grumbles. She’s already pushing past me, past Deen, and down the stairs. I can only watch her go, feeling my heart squeeze in my chest with the same pain that she left me with nine years ago.