Chapter 31 Maya
Maya
Match day
I barely sleep the night before the match.
Instead, I find myself staring up at the ceiling, running through all of the possibilities of tomorrow.
I imagine arriving at the park and Dina marching up to me, angry about the conversation we had at the coffee shop the other day.
I imagine how she might react if she loses the match – her disappointment, her heartbreak. I’m sure she’ll blame me for that too.
I close my eyes and try to sleep, but I can’t get Dina’s face out of my mind.
By the time it’s morning, I’m already exhausted, but I scramble out of bed, shower and get dressed.
Amma and Abba share excited chatter about attending the match over the breakfast table, but I can only smile and nod.
‘If the match goes well, I bet the school will give you a permanent position,’ Amma says as she starts clearing the dishes. ‘I mean, they would have no reason not to. Wouldn’t that be amazing?’
‘Yeah, Ms Jacobs mentioned that it might be a possibility the other day,’ I confess.
Amma is right – it’s the exact kind of opportunity that I need.
No matter what has been happening with Dina, coaching this team has been amazing.
When I retired from football a few months ago, I felt like my life was over and like I would never have another opportunity again.
I listlessly thought about other jobs I could do, I even briefly thought about going to university, though the idea of that wasn’t attractive.
And then this job happened out of the blue.
‘That sounds like the perfect job for you,’ Amma says encouragingly.
Abba gives me a hesitant look. ‘I know it’s not the career that you dreamed about.
’ This is the first time that either of my parents has mentioned my impromptu retirement from football.
I’ve barely explained the ins and outs of everything to them, feeling too embarrassed of my failures.
And seeing how touchy I’ve been about the subject since I got back, they’ve always skirted around it.
‘I know, but … I like it,’ I say, realising that I mean it.
I didn’t think I would enjoy it the way that I have.
The ability to pass on everything that I have learned over the past few years, to not let my knowledge and skills fall to the wayside, like I thought I would have to once I quit football.
It feels good – it feels like what I was meant to do in the same way I felt like I was meant to play football.
Abba smiles. ‘Sometimes, life takes you down unexpected avenues. When your amma and I got married in Bangladesh, we never expected that we would build our family here in London, but now we can’t imagine a different life for us.’
It’s strange to think about, but Abba is right.
What had felt like the end of the world just months ago doesn’t feel like that anymore.
I tried to live my dream life, and it had been less of a dream than I’d imagined.
Now I’m here, back in my parents’ home, working a job at my old school, still confused about my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t hate this life.
I like the way I fit into it. It’s an unexpected realisation, but it’s what I need going into this match.
Because no matter what happens, no matter how Dina reacts, I will be OK.