Chapter 5 #2
“Then let me do this,” I say, completely aware that I’m both begging and giving him the biggest of mixed signals.
Minutes ago, I made it clear that we don’t have the sort of relationship he wants to believe we do.
Just like earlier, sex would only complicate things, but it’s not like we haven’t already fucked today.
It’s not like I didn’t go down on him when I thought I was my twin.
Losing myself in the pleasure, whether it’s his or mine…
I need that. I need that peace. I need that mindlessness.
I need him.
Chase lets out a shaky breath. “You can do whatever you want to me, babe. You know that. That hasn’t changed. But I meant what I said before. About taking care of my own boner… I wasn’t trying to seduce you, sweetheart. I just want you to feel comfortable with me.”
“I do.”
“And you don’t have to—”
I wrap my hand around his dick.
He shoots out his arm, cupping my neck as he groans.
I smile. “What if I want to? Is that okay?”
Chase bobs his head as I begin to stroke. I keep my pace leisurely at first, letting him drop his guard. He obviously expects me to give him a pity handjob or something, but that’s not what I have in mind.
This is most likely a huge fucking mistake. Will I regret this come morning? Probably. Because I’m too fucked-up to be the woman Chase deserves, and if anyone wants to argue against that, I’d just have to admit that I’m suddenly jealous of myself.
Now, I know that Chase always recognized me as Hallie. Even when I called myself by my twin’s name, he was waiting for his fiancée to return to him. That night we fucked in the woods, he knew exactly who was on her knees in front of him.
But to my broken psyche? I can’t get past the idea that Xandra was the one who sucked him off. That anyone who saw us would’ve thought that he was allowing his late lover’s twin to seduce him, and while no one else would care, I care.
Am I giving myself another excuse to get on my knees and worship his cock with my mouth? Perhaps, but that doesn’t stop me.
I pull my hand away from his erection. Chase’s hold on my neck tightens, then instantly goes slack.
He must think that I’ve had second thoughts, that I’ve changed my mind, and he’s letting me go.
Xandra used to tell me about the men she fucked, and there were plenty who took her initial consent to mean that she couldn’t walk away until they finished.
She didn’t put up with that shit, but I was always amazed that her lovers weren’t always respectful like mine.
Chase would never. If I stop, we stop, and I would do the same for him if he decided that the vibes were off.
He takes a second to recover. “Okay. Yeah. Bed. We should— what are you doing?”
I grin up at him as I lower myself to one knee, then the next. “Don’t tell me it’s been so long that you forgot what it’s like to have me give you a blow job.”
“What? No. Actually, you did it not that long ago when you were—” He shuts his mouth.
Too late. I know exactly what he was going to say. When you were Xandra.
I thin my lips. See? Now I just have to do it.
Gripping his cock, angling it toward my mouth, I blow out a stream of warm breath, directing it at the overly sensitive head. “You still trust me, baby?”
This time, he does hesitate.
I dab my tongue against the tip, gathering up the pre-come already leaking there. And I wait.
Chase braces his bare feet against the wooden floor. “Do you remember last time? In the woods.”
Interesting response. I twist my wrist. “You know I do.”
“You told me to think of Hallie. Now you know I already was, but you… I asked you who you were thinking of.”
He did. “Yup.”
I swipe my tongue underneath his cock, teasing him while he struggles to find his next words.
“Oh, fuck, that’s good… okay. Point. I have a point.”
“Something about last time?” I ask helpfully.
But then I start sucking on his dick so it’s no surprise that Chase’s mind scrambles again as his fingers go to my damp hair, fisting the strands so that he can guide my mouth as I blow him.
It takes a few minutes before he remembers that he was talking to me other than to tell me that my mouth is fucking magical and just how much he missed this… In between a shudder and a moan, he finally gasps out, “Did you mean it?”
I lean back, releasing his dick. Something in the way he said that… He needs an answer, and I’d give him one if I had any clue what he was talking about. “Mean what?”
He licks his lips, equal parts aroused and nervous. “When you said that there was no one else but me? You said since that time in that Grave, but if you really thought you were your sister…”
Oh. “Are you asking me if I fucked anyone else while my head was all screwed up? Because my twin was the town slut, and you thought I would’ve gotten over losing my sister by banging the first guy that came along?”
Chase pales. “Shit. When you put it like that… no. And even if you did, I wouldn’t care. I just… I’m fucked up, too, baby. All the things I imagined when I was with you… at the Grave, on the Outside. Just the thought that someone else could’ve touched you—”
“Like Maverick.”
Now there’s a flash of shame crossing his face. “Yeah. At first. But it’s obvious he reminds you of Rory, so I know it would never have been him.”
I open my mouth. Think about what I’m going to say. Close it.
Because, yeah, he has a point there, too.
“There were guys back home, though. And I know those assholes at East Jersey… before I got there… I just—no. It’s stupid. I’ll only torture myself with the past. We have a future. We have—”
I lean back on my heels. “Yes.”
Chase blinks. “What?”
“You asked me a question. Did I mean it when I said that it was only you? Yes. I can’t promise you a future, and God knows that I don’t want to think about the past, but if you need to know… it’s only ever been you, Chase.”
I thought that would be enough to erase the stricken look on his face.
In a way, it is. Color returns to his cheeks, but before I can either turn away from his cock or return to sucking it so that he goes off and the damn thing finally deflates, Chase crouches down.
His hands hook under my armpits, hefting me to my feet.
Next thing I know, he’s backed me up against the wall, his hands bracketing my head as he traps me beneath his suddenly heaving body. My palms slap against the wall next, my chin tilted up as I’m about to ask him if he lost his fucking mind.
My lips part. He swoops down to claim my mouth with his before I can say a word.
He grinds against me. His erection pushes against my lower belly.
Arousal wells up even lower than that, and my pussy weeps for him.
My poor panties have got to be soaked by now, and I’m just grateful that I’m still wearing them because it wouldn’t take much for me to shift my position and entice Chase inside of me…
I break my head away from his consuming kiss. “What are you doing?” I demand breathlessly. “I thought you said it didn’t matter whether I was with anyone else or not.”
“It doesn’t,” he swears. “But knowing that no else has ever had this pussy but me… I like to think I’m a good man, babe, but I’m still only a man.”
And then he kisses me again. This time? I’m all in.