Chapter 9 #2
But doesn’t he understand? The fact that that monster did hurt me is why I have to stay.
Who else is he experimenting on now? How many people are being Turned or cannibalized by lurkers at this very moment?
Antidotes might not set the clock back and return us to the world as we know it before, but how many lives could be saved?
“It’s not about me,” I begin.
“It might as well be,” cuts in Chase. “Because that’s all I care about.
You, sweetheart. I care about you. I almost lost you once.
Don’t you get that? You were so far out of my reach, you might as well have been dead…
now I get you back, and you want me to stay here instead of bringing you back home where I can keep you safe? ”
I scoff. “Safe? That’s not possible, Chase. If it was, my sister would still be here.”
He winces. Yeah. So maybe that was a low blow, but I’m not wrong. Xandra died back at the Grave. I made it from Madison to Manhattan to the Ramapo Hills. I survived what that prick did to me, and I survived being sold like a piece of meat in East Jersey.
Damn it, I’m a survivor, and if he doesn’t see that by now… “You don’t have to stay. Go back home. When I’m done here, I’ll go, too.”
He winced before. Now? He reacts like I slapped him, recoiling so quickly, I have to whip my head to follow him as he starts to pace around the cabin.
“You think I’ll really leave? Oh, baby, no. You tried that after East Jersey and you couldn’t get rid of me then. No way in fucking hell you’re getting rid of me now. We’re together. It’s you and me against the world.”
It used to be. I want it to still be. But I just don’t know if it can be, and that’s why I shake my head.
“What? We’re not together? Of course we are. You’re my fiancée.”
Oof. That one hurts. “Chase, I was—”
“Was?” He chokes over the word. “What do you mean, was? I asked you to marry me almost a year ago. You said ‘yes’. We’re engaged—”
We were. Now… I’m not so sure.
“You love me.” There’s desperation underlying every one of those three words, awful enough that he has to repeat them. “You love me.”
I can’t deny that. “Of course I do. But that doesn’t mean we have to be together.”
Don’t you see, Chase? I’m giving you a way out. You don’t want to be stuck with me. Not yet. Not while I’m like this…
I’m giving him a way out. He doesn’t take it.
“Holden, baby… we are together. In every way that counts. I mean, what do you call what we’ve been doing?”
He gestures wildly at the bed. The wall. The bathroom.
And I know exactly what he’s referring to.
“That? It’s just sex.”
Fucking hell. If I thought it was bad enough when I blurted out that I wasn’t Chase’s wife, that’s nothing compared to how that lands. Just sex… okay. So maybe I knew that continuing to sleep with Chase when my head wasn’t screwed on straight would end up biting me in the ass.
I didn’t expect that me referring to the last three times we were intimate as “just sex” to cause him to completely shut down.
For a moment, Chase stares at me. His jaw works, though he doesn’t say anything, and for the first time in forever, I can’t read his expression. He’s totally closed-off, and as my heart aches, the apology sitting on the tip of my tongue, he lets out a rush of air and crosses the cabin.
He grabs the doorknob, turning it roughly, shoving the door away from him. “Okay. You want to stay here. Fine. Then I’m staying, too. When we head to the Grave, we’re going together.”
All along, I knew he would say that. I knew that’s how the argument would end.
What I don’t know? Is why he’s walking out the door.
I hurry after him. “Where are you going now?”
Chase pauses a few steps outside of the cabin. “We’re not together. Why does it matter?”
Goddamn it. Those hollow words couldn’t have pierced me harder if he strung a bow and shot me with an arrow. In fact, I stumble backward as though I actually was struck.
His face turns stricken; I can read that emotion. Cursing under his breath, he dashes back inside, sweeping me up in his arms just as I start to tremble against him.
“I’m sorry. Holden, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean that. I was just giving you space. That’s all. But you need me, and I’m a fucking moron for forgetting that for even one second. I’ve got you, love. Hold onto me. I’ve got you.”
I cling to him. It takes a few moments before I can find the words, but when I do, I whisper them hurriedly before I chicken out and keep them back.
“Deep down, I’ve always loved you. That part’s easy. I’m just terrified that the woman who knew how to be worthy of your love died with the rest of the world.”
With my twin.
I don’t say that part out loud. I don’t have to.
He knows exactly what I mean.
“You remember the explosion,” Chase says gently.
“I remember everything that came after it. And I don’t just mean your recovery.
You’re still getting better. Every day… you have to understand something.
I’m not going away. You can’t get rid of me.
I spent nine months watching the woman I love mourn herself.
If you think I’m giving up now, you don’t know me at all. ”
He’s right. I know he is. I can push him all I want, but I have the freedom to do that because the one thing I can always rely on is that—no matter who I am—Chase Knight will never give up on me.
“You keep saying you’re not the Hallie I lost. Maybe you’re right. But you’re still the only woman I’ve ever loved.”
I just hope that that will be enough while terrified that, after the Turning, it won’t be.