14. Willa
Chapter fourteen
Willa
A few days later, my phone rings in my pocket. I slip it out and groan when I see Max's name pop up.
"Who is it?" Scrunching her nose, Maggie continues, "Because it can't be Nick. You'd look a lot happier if it was him calling."
"Truth," I mutter. I decline the call and return my phone to my pocket. "It's my agent, Max. I've been ducking his calls."
Maggie and I are walking four dogs around the neighborhood.
I've continued volunteering at the animal shelter when I can.
It makes me feel good and it's an easy way to spend more time with my best friend.
The four dogs that we took out today are a ragtag bunch of older puppies, who are a bit rambunctious.
We're supposed to be training them to walk on leashes, but they're definitely walking us, not the other way around.
Maggie laughs as Chewy, the six-month-old white pit bull mix, suddenly darts after a squirrel causing me to fly to the right. "Why are you avoiding Max?"
After shortening Chewy's leash, I lift one shoulder. "He wants me to commit to a timeline and I'm not ready for that yet."
"A timeline? "
"A timeline for my return to Hollywood," I explain. "Even though I still have a five more months left of time off, he wants me to line up my next film so that I can start working as soon as I return to LA."
"And you don't want to do that." Maggie surmises.
"Not really," I sigh. "I'm not sure what I want."
"You have nothing left to prove, Willa. You've made it to the top. You can always walk away, if that's what will make you happy."
"Walking away is what I'm considering. But my mum…" I drift off as Maggie's eyes connect with mine. I've been avoiding my mum too, but she's growing more and more impatient with my excuses.
"Your mom shouldn't dictate your life decisions. You aren't a child. She doesn't get to tell you what to do."
If it were only that easy. My mum had big dreams of being a stage actress in London, but then she met my dad and fell pregnant.
They married and moved to the States and my mum gave up her dreams for motherhood.
When I was born, her acting dreams were resurrected.
She pushed me into modeling and acting from an early age, and ever since, she lives vicariously through me and my career.
I started acting because I didn't have much choice in the matter and because I saw how happy it made her. In large part, that’s why I still do it.
If I leave my career as an actress behind, I worry that it will devastate my mum. She takes such pride in my work. I hate disappointing her.
Although I’m finally reaching the point where I hate the thought of disappointing myself more.
"Discounting your mother and Max, have you figured out your travel plans? Back to Australia?"
"No, I don't think so." The travel time to and from Australia was brutal.
“How long will you stay in Saltside?”
Without meeting Maggie’s eyes, I shrug. “I’ m not sure yet.”
Truthfully, since meeting Nick, I've given little thought to leaving Saltside. I want to stay here with him for as long as possible.
Is that desperate? Maybe.
Is it a hopeless situation? Probably.
But am I still holding out hope? Absolutely.
Maggie adjusts her dog's leashes, switching them from her left hand to her right.
"You know, Johann says that Nick is high up in his family's company.
That he'll have to return to Belgrovinia eventually.
" When her eyes flit to mine, there's no judgment.
Her gaze is soft and warm, welcoming me to confide in her.
But I can't talk to Maggie about a topic I know virtually nothing about.
While Johann has disclosed information about Nick and his family's business to Maggie, Nick has remained tight-lipped on the subject.
It serves as a painful reminder that what I have with Nick is a fling, not a relationship.
It's precarious and unstable. Temporary.
Which is confusing as hell because it doesn't feel temporary when I'm with him…it feels a lot like falling in love.
I shut down that errant, unwanted thought as quickly as it pops into my mind.
I bump her shoulder with my own. "Are you worried about me, Mags?"
"I am," she admits. "I see how you are with Nick, and I don't want you to get hurt. He has to return to his own country, which is far away from your life in California. I don't want you to envision a fairy tale ending and then be sad when he leaves."
I can't deny that I've allowed myself to fantasize a time or two about what a future with Nick might look like.
Giving up my acting career and settling into a life in Europe with him.
But I always stop myself before I go too far down that rabbit hole because Nick has given me no hope for a future between us .
Not that he’s outright denied the possibility, but rather, we’ve never discussed it. When we’re together everything is focused on the present, occasionally the past, but never the future.
So, I put my acting experience to good use and deny everything.
"Whoa, sending me mixed signals, girl!" I deflect. "Weren't you the one manifesting me meeting a man?"
"Yes, but…" Maggie groans. "I didn't expect you to fall for him."
"No need to worry. There isn't anything between Nick and me besides some really great sex, Maggie. He's helped me get back in the saddle, but I'm not looking to lasso him and tie him down."
Her brow quirks. "Wow, that was a lot of cowboy imagery all in one sentence."
"There's a reason why I’m paid to deliver the lines, not write the script," I tease, infusing some levity into our conversation.
Maggie worries her bottom lip between her teeth. "If you're sure…"
"I'm sure," I confirm.
I am sure. One hundred percent sure. But not about what I told Maggie.
I'm sure that I'm falling for Nick and when he leaves to return to his life, my heart will be left in tatters.
Yet the pleasure he gives me in the present is enough to make me risk future pain.
Tonight, Nick and I lie intertwined after our latest romp in the sheets. Still catching our breaths, Nick’s grip tightens around my torso. My cheek is pressed against his naked chest, his heart thumping beneath my ear.
Lazily, Nick draws his fingertips up and down my spine. Every third or fourth pass, Nick will lovingly comb through my hair, from root to tip. One of the things that I've found out about Nick is that he can be rough and demanding during sex, but his aftercare is top-notch, as he'd say.
"Do you feel it, too?"
I bite my bottom lip and hold my breath as I await Nick’s answer to my impulsive question.
Being with Nick has an overwhelming effect on me.
I feel buzzed, and not just from the wine we shared earlier, but like there’s an energy crackling between us.
It’s exhilarating and fills me with anticipation.
You know that feeling when the rollercoaster is inching to the top of the loop right before the ride is about to careen downhill?
It feels like that. We’re on the precipice of something that's both fun and exciting yet also terrifying. I don’t know if I should close my eyes and enjoy the ride…
or if I should jump off, escaping before the ride really gets going.
"Yes."
I jolt at his confirmation to such a vague question and look at him quizzically.
Nick smiles, not his wicked grin but a tender one. "Yes, I feel the connection between us. I felt it the first time I saw you. That invisible tie that inexplicably binds us. I feel it every time I touch you, every time our gazes collide, every time I hear your voice, and every time I'm inside you."
"I never thought you were capable of romance, but that was quite romantic, Nicholas," I murmur, settling back into his embrace.
"I can do romance, my darling; it's relationships that I can't do," he replies, his voice wistful .
Can't or won't?
My heart beats erratically as I contemplate his confession.
I want to say more, ask more , but I don’t because I’m convinced I won’t like his answers.
My earlier conversation with Maggie is still fresh in my mind. Thus far, I haven’t pressed Nick to tell me more about his life in Belgrovinia. I've waited for him to share, but my patience has not been rewarded. Other than a few cryptic statements, he’s offered me very little.
Does his family business have anything to do with why he can’t do relationships?
Maybe it's time to stop being patient.
Mustering courage, I ask, “You know so much about me and my life here. Will you tell me more about your life back home?”
Nick’s hand stills on my back. “What would you like to know?”
“Anything. Everything.” I pause, watching as a guarded expression crosses his face. Wishing I hadn't pressed, I shake my head and mumble, “Never mind.”
Nick’s hand resumes its previous path, moving languidly along my spine.
He expels a long breath. “As you know, I have an older brother, Alex, and a younger sister, Ellie. The three of us are close. Alex has a fiancé. They got engaged a month or so ago after dating for a few years. Ellie is married to her university sweetheart, and they have a daughter, my niece, Marina.”
I’m glad Nick is sharing more about his life with me, but what he’s saying confuses me. If both of Nick’s siblings are in serious, committed relationships, why can’t he 'do relationships'?
An intrusive thought lodges itself into my consciousness.
Maybe Nick’s unwillingness to be in a relationship has little to do with him…and everything to do with me. Perhaps it isn't that he can't do relationships, but that he can't do a relationship with me .
Reluctant to dwell on that depressing thought, I ask, “You work with your brother, don’t you? Isn’t that what you told me the first night we met? Or am I misremembering?”
“Yes and no. I’ve committed to working for him for the next few years, but after that, I’d like to branch out and forge my own path. Put my graduate degree to good use.”
“Impressive.” My gaze falls as I mentally compare my lackluster education to Nick’s. I didn’t even graduate high school.
Slipping his finger under my chin, Nick tips my face, his blue eyes boring into mine. “What you’ve accomplished is impressive, too. Seriously impressive. There are far fewer high caliber actresses than there are MBA graduates, my darling.”
Never one to be comfortable with a compliment, I simply nod.
Nick kisses the top of my head. “It’s late. I should go soon.”
After beginning our fling, Nick often stays the night in my room since he and Johann share a suite.
But twice he’s left to return to his suite because he has phone calls scheduled with his family.
With the time difference between North Carolina and Belgrovinia, these calls sometimes occur at inopportune times, like late at night or very early in the morning.
Unfortunately, tonight is another one of those nights.
He tucks me in, snaps off the light, and leaves me with a lingering kiss. But I can’t sleep. My mind is wracked with worries.
I like Nick. I really like Nick. But being with him feels like I’m trying to hold onto a fistful of sand. No matter how tightly I grasp it, the grains of sand stream out. It’s a frustrating and futile effort.
After tossing and turning for an hour, I take two melatonin gummies to knock me out. Then I turn up my sound machine to max volume, pop in my earplugs, and cover my eyes with my sleep mask. With a heavy heart, I eventually fall asleep.