21. Willa
Chapter twenty-one
Willa
T he time has come. The entire drive to my doctor's office, I feel like I'm on the brink of a panic attack because I'm about to find out the answer to my greatest question.
Can I have children?
In the weeks and months after my miscarriage, I was so depressed that I didn't give much thought to my fertility. It was too painful to even imagine getting pregnant again. The idea terrified me. I wanted children, but I wasn’t brave enough to do anything about it other than dream.
Then Nick entered my life, and the more time I spent with him, the more the idea of getting married and starting a family took root in my mind.
It went from a far-fetched fantasy to a realistic possibility.
For the first time in two years, the potential happiness from having children outweighed my fear of pregnancy.
Nick gave me the courage to hope for the future I dream of.
Before I'm mentally prepared, I arrive at my appointment and park my car.
Like the Eminem song, my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy .
With mustered fortitude and a pounding heart, I force myself to put one foot in front of the other, again and again, until I finally land in front of my doctor's office.
When I step inside the office, the cold air conditioning hits me and sends a shiver down my back.
The chilly gusts of air attach themselves to the sweat dotting the nape of my neck and lining my back.
Rubbing my arms with my hands, I approach the receptionist with a timid smile.
Luckily, she recognizes me and immediately calls for a nurse to escort me to the doctor's office.
Thank God for small miracles because I don't think I can wait another minute.
Dr. Moriarty, a man in his early sixties with lots of white hair, glasses perched on the end of his nose, and a jovial expression on his face, sits at his desk pouring over paperwork and patient files. He looks up when the nurse knocks on his open office door.
"Willa, good to see you, my dear." He stands and motions for me to take a seat before sitting back down in his chair. "I was just looking over your test results."
"And? Do you have an answer?" I lean forward in my chair.
God, I should have taken a Xanax before this appointment. I feel like I'm about to leap out of my skin.
Since my miscarriage, my periods have changed substantially.
Initially, I attributed it to a symptom of recovery from the D Stewart Pinchovsky, a Lyonsfilms Studios executive; and a few mid-level studio assistants.
The assistants have been relegated to the front of the plane though.
And lastly, Hugh invited Jasper Bennett.
Jasper is a well-known actor, a few years older than me.
Hugh wants Jasper to play Princess Mila’s husband, Prince Frederic.
I suspect that Hugh has thrown us together to test how well we interact.
In all fairness, it’s a good plan. Mutual attraction offscreen translates to chemistry onscreen.
Nothing kills the romance of a movie faster than two lead actors who possess zero chemistry with one another.
More than once during the flight, Jasper has swooped in to save me by diverting Hugh's attention away from me.
At first, I didn't realize what Jasper was doing, but then I noticed how his jaw would clench and his eyes would track Hugh's movements whenever the director touched me.
As my British mum would say, Jasper is a good egg.
Excusing myself, I slip to the restroom at the rear of the private aircraft. When I return, I see that Jasper has switched seats, and I'm now seated across from Hugh instead of next to him, putting me out of his reach.
Smiling my unspoken gratitude to Jasper, I lean back in my cushy leather seat and relax for the first time during the flight. Watching Hugh with Jasper, I notice that Hugh touches Jasper just as often as he touched me, so while Hugh's behavior is annoying, it's not alarming.
When there's a break in Hugh's latest monologue, I ask, "What's the schedule for the next few days?"
"Fiona will be giving us a tour of a few potential sites for exterior shots and we’ll visit a private estate to see if it will work for the interior shots. The studio also arranged a few lessons with a royal expert to teach you and Jasper the etiquette expected from a prince and princess."
"Sounds like fun." Jasper quips as he picks up his coffee mug with his pinky extended, eliciting a few laughs.
"You're a natural," I tease.
Hugh pauses dramatically, slowly meeting everyone's eyes before continuing, "Additionally, I've set up a meet and greet with a member of the Belgrovinian royal family at Windingham Palace.”
"Belgrovinia?" I stutter as an icy shock flows through me.
The airport code! BLG didn't stand for Belgium. It stands for Belgrovinia!
Hugh continues to discuss our meeting as my mind splinters, spiraling into the depths of catastrophic thinking.
To calm myself down and muffle the voices in my head, I remind myself to be rational. While Belgrovinia is a small nation, surely it isn't small enough that I'll actually run into Nick.
But that's when the most depressing thought hits me…what if I don't see him?
What if I look for him in every nook and cranny in Belgrovinia and never find him?
Because as hurt as I am that he left me in the middle of the night, I still think about him.
I miss him. He wore an alluring and arrogant mask, but underneath it, he was so much more.
Protective, caring, considerate. He had a way of taking charge that allowed me to simply be.
To exist and relax, confident in the knowledge that he’d keep me safe .
I've been independent and alone for so many years. For those couple of weeks, it was nice having a partner on whom I could rely. Though I dated Baron for over a year, he never cared for me in the ways that Nick did.
However, the sad truth is that I need to get over Nick. Leave his memory in the past. Move forward and look for similar qualities in the next man I date.
But, damn, the idea of visiting Nick's home country excites me as much as it scares me.
Pulling my cell phone out of my tote bag, I thumb over to Nick's contact and consider unblocking him. It makes no sense to do so. It's not like he's going to text or call me. It’s not like I’m brave enough to reach out to him.
With a heavy sigh, and an even heavier heart, I slip my phone back into my bag.
I may be visiting Belgrovinia, but my time with Nick is over and it has been for weeks. If I unblock him, I'll only be setting myself for more disappointment. As it stands now, Nick can't communicate with me, but if I unblock him, I'll get my hopes up that he'll contact me.
Which is ridiculous. He abandoned me in the middle of the night with nothing but a lame text message. He doesn't deserve any more of my time or consideration.