Chapter 3
Recital day is my least favorite part of dance season.
It’s also the only day that I don’t have to drag Winnie out the door to get there.
She hates the practices but loves the big performance with the costume and bright lights.
My nerves on her behalf consume my whole body on recital day.
I prefer sitting in the waiting room, watching her dance around without a care in the world.
I have her bathed, fed, almost out the door, and only running a few minutes late when the mail on the counter catches my attention. There’s a thick white envelope with my name scribbled on the front and a Green Branch return address.
“Mommy, can I talk on your phone?” Winnie calls from the front door.
“What?” I flip over the envelope. “Sure.”
I open it to reveal a bunch of smaller paper envelopes inside. Each one has a name scrawled across the front, and in each, are seeds. Dozens of seeds. Smooth aster, butterfly weed, trillium, purple coneflower and more. A little folded piece of paper has handwriting I know I will commit to memory.
Hannah.
you said you wanted a garden the other night on the phone.
here are some seeds to start one. hopefully these are okay, they’re some of my favorites.
especially the asters. they’re all wildflowers so they’re hardy and eggs don’t ship as well.
i'm sure i had a boring day the day you’re getting this, but i’m excited to tell you about it anyway.
tanner.
“What’s that Mommy?” Winnie appears in the kitchen now, setting my phone back down on the counter.
“Flower seeds,” I tell her as my eyes trace the messy script of his handwriting.
“Are we going to have a garden?”
“That would be fun, wouldn’t it? Maybe we can get some pots this weekend and plant them. What do you think?”
She nods her head excitedly as I shove the rest of the mail stack in my already too full bag.
“Okay, we should go or we’re going to be late, and I need a lot more caffeine to get through the day.”
“Laughing?” Winnie questions.
“Caffeine. Coffee.”
After tripping out the door over all of mom’s bags for Florida, I swing through and get my second coffee of the afternoon and get Winnie a cake pop.
I avoid eye contact with Anderson Forrest’s glaring billboard eyes as we veer off the highway toward my old high school where the dance studio puts on every dance recital.
It feels so foreign, walking through the front doors.
It feels like nothing has changed and yet it’s been ten years since I graduated, so everything has.
I send Winnie off to her group for the final run through when my phone buzzes.
Tanner: orange or pink?
Hannah: Both? Definitely both. Why?
Tanner: how’s the great state of illinois this afternoon?
Hannah: The coffee drive-through took forever and I think they gave me decaf… Why the color question? How’s work?
Tanner: the shop has had more cars in for broken air conditioners than I have ever seen. have any plans to come up this summer?
A year and a half ago, I drove to Chicago to visit Lauren.
She was navigating the early days of her career and the complicated feelings she had with her editor, Rhett Atwood.
I had promised myself on the drive into the city that I would turn off mom mode for the night.
Turn off the lonely wife persona that had etched itself into my skin over the years.
I promised myself that I would put every role I was juggling in my pocket and pretend that they didn’t tie me down.
For Lauren. I could do anything for Lauren.
When we arrived at some swanky bar, I stepped out from behind my sister, and I instantly locked eyes with this tall guy who was also severely under-dressed in worn blue jeans and a baseball hat.
Blue jeans was looking at me like I had something he wanted. Or maybe, I dared to let my mind wander, that I was something he wanted. I swept a glass of champagne off the passing tray and downed it. Before I knew it, he was being introduced to me as Rhett’s best friend.
And that feeling… God, that rush was something I didn’t know I could feel anymore. My entire body flushed at the up-turned corner of his mouth as he smirked at me like he knew something I didn’t.
All night, his eyes crinkled with a smile as I talked, his hands flexed when I accidentally found myself swaying into his space, his jaw clenched with a soft smirk when I would catch him staring.
I made a concerted effort to keep my hands to myself the entire night because if I was anything, I was not my husband.
I knew Ethan was with his mistress that night and I had every right to kiss this man like my entire body begged me to, and yet I didn’t.
I insisted we buy our own drinks and every time my body felt that pull toward him, I was on the move.
Insisting we leave the rooftop and try out a run-down karaoke bar.
Tanner and I were constantly coming too close to something.
I left the following morning after having dreamt of his smile and the lines by his eyes and the boyish grin all night. I left with a glimpse, for the first time, into what my life could be like if I stopped waiting on my husband to love me. Or even notice me for that matter.
Lauren and Rhett had essentially imploded just a few months after that, and I didn’t see Tanner for almost an entire year.
But that single night in Chicago gave me the motivation to start preparing for a life without Ethan.
I started documenting everything I could.
His work hours, bank records, how his parents held Winnie’s preschool tuition over my head, his location when he was at some upscale condo in Chicago.
But now, with the divorce being final, part of me expected my heart to swing open on its hinges and welcome Tanner in.
But it turns out, it’s still rusted shut after a lot of years and a lot of tears.
Fear has been keeping me here in Illinois, avoiding every invitation to go visit him in Michigan and his offers to come here.
The lights now burst on for the rehearsal and the herd of little girls shuffle onto the stage and take their positions. They are all out of line and squinting into the bright lights. Hands shielding their eyes, toes turned inward and smiles replaced with crinkled frowns.
“Girls!” their teacher calls out. “Check your spaces!”
The girls look side to side, and I realize Winnie is the most out of line from the rest. Maybe quitting isn’t the worst idea we have ever had. Once they run through it twice, the routine almost resembles something like an organized dance. So, their teacher sends us off to get ready and wait.
Back in the locker room, we do a lot of waiting around until we get the go-ahead to get the girls ready. Once Winnie’s dressed and her hair is nearly superglued into place, my phone begins buzzing incessantly in my pocket.
“Mom, now isn’t a great time.” I put another pin in Winnie’s bun with my phone pinched between my ear and shoulder. “I’ll meet you in our seats.”
“Do you have the tickets with you?” she asks and I look over at my purse and sure enough. The envelope is there amongst the rest of the mail from the counter that I shoved in there earlier.
“Shoot. Okay, give me a minute. I’ll be right there.”
Winnie gives me a pleading look to not leave her, but I kiss her head and head back down the hallway to the lobby where families are all piling in.
I navigate through the crowd toward Lauren’s red hair and Rhett beside her.
My parents are dressed up, Paul wearing the pink button up that Winnie loves and Mom found something to match him.
But the person standing with them is cause for me to stop dead in my tracks.
Tanner.
In the flesh, in my old high school hallway, is Tanner Auclair.
He’s wearing a henley button up despite the heat outside and a silver necklace that peeks through the buttons.
His golden hair is pushed back, and those brown eyes are locked right on me.
He’s sporting a new mustache and oh my God my heart gallops, or spirals, or whatever word they’re using these days.
He has a massive bouquet of orange and pink flowers in his hands and my veins flush with heat at just the sight of him.
In an instant, I realize the effect he has on my body hasn’t dulled.
Not even a little bit. The closer I step, the taller he seems to stretch.
“Hey Han,” he says in a low graveled voice as I approach, and I swear to God there is not a single other person in the lobby. Just me, him and those damn dark golden eyes.
“Hi,” I say, stunned and fumbling with the envelope of tickets. I bought a bunch just in case Ethan and his family decided to show up. Which of course they didn’t. But Tanner did.
“Here.” I give the envelope to my mom. “There’re a few extra in there. Just save a spot for me, the rest can be given away.”
“Alright, we will see you in there.” Mom smiles and tugs everyone away while Tanner hangs behind.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” I tell him, forcing my eyes back to his.
“I planned on sneaking in. I didn’t want to be a distraction.” I refrain from pointing out that him looking the way he does is a distraction within itself. “I hope it’s okay that I'm here.”
I reach over and squeeze his hand, needing to touch him in some way.
“I am so glad you’re here,” I insist.
“Good. Okay. I'm going to go sit. I’ll save you a seat.” He smiles and turns to follow my family in.
“Tanner!” I call out after him, making him spin around. “I like the mustache.”
His cheeks turn pink, and he tips his head. “Thank you, ma’am.”