Chapter 35
“He left home at sixteen,” Dollie says.
The three of us are sitting around her kitchen table still, cups of coffee sitting untouched and cold in front of us. Though Tanner is looking at Dollie, he is somewhere in his own head. I keep my hand on his bouncing knee.
“Ricky was so troubled, and my husband, Rich, and I could never figure out why. We switched him to Marnmouth schools early on in hopes the bigger district could give him more help. We took him to church, we tried therapists, we tried wrestling and football to get his anger out, but nothing ever worked. He wouldn’t settle on anything.
He wouldn’t settle in general. We gave him a lot of attention.
We gave him no attention. We couldn’t figure it out.
Then at sixteen, he packed his bags and moved to Wisconsin to be with my sister, Dora.
Dora was ready to turn him away on arrival, but I begged her to let him stay because if he wouldn’t be happy with us, then maybe he would be happy there with her.
And at least I knew where he was. I knew he was safe.
” Dollie dabs her eyes with the tissue Tanner had gotten her.
“We didn’t hear a word from him for three years.
Then he showed up on our doorstep saying Dora kicked him out and that he was back.
” The pain has etched itself into her skin over time.
The worry of a mother can be seen in her frown lines and sad eyes.
“It was like the prodigal son had returned. His father was so happy, and Ricky seemed so happy. But I was so scared he would do it again. Get into another fight. Get arrested again. Get caught with drugs again. Dora wouldn’t tell me why she kicked him out.
She just said it wasn’t a good fit anymore.
But then after a few months, he came to me and said he was leaving again.
Got a job as a trucker. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. ”
Tanner flinches next to me. He should have been the best thing to ever happen to his father. Not some shitty job.
“He came and went as he pleased. He would stay with us for a day. A week. A month. Then go back driving to Florida. Stay there for a few weeks, sometimes months on end. My husband and I almost considered retiring to Florida so we could see him more, but then Rich passed before we could, and then Ricky stopped coming back home.” She shakes her head as steady tears stream down her cheeks.
Tanner, despite himself, reaches over and takes her shaking hands in his equally wavering ones.
It’s obvious that comforting her is an instinct, something he has done for years.
I blink away the tears in my own eyes. “Tanny, baby, I didn’t know who you really were until you were fifteen.
Ricky never told me he got a girl pregnant.
I knew Danielle Irwin and I knew she got pregnant young.
She would come in, buying baby books and rubbing her belly.
I had no idea. When he was up visiting, he would say he was going out to see friends from Marnmouth.
He never mentioned a kid. Let alone his own.
Your mom started dating Dan Auclair when you were pretty young, nobody really thought too much about it. You’ve always been his boy.”
Tanner clears his throat and wipes his cheek but returns his hand to hers. “Did my mom know who Richard was to you? Did anybody know?”
“I don’t know. He was going by Richard Fox back then, which was Dora’s married name. But growing up, he went to Marnmouth schools, not Green Branch, so nobody correlated him with us, really. He made sure of it, and he stayed away as much as he could.”
“How did you find out?” he asks her.
“You came into the shop looking for a job.” She sniffs and recalls the moment with a smile.
“You came in with your shaggy hair and that smile. I had a feeling. You have that little dimple.” She reaches forward and graces her fragile fingers over his cheek.
“Ricky has the same one. You look so much like him. Or what he could have been. After that, I called Ricky and he told me everything. About Danielle. About you.”
Tanner swallows a sob and looks back over his shoulder, hiding his face from us.
“How could you not tell me, Dol? All these years, I’ve worked for you.
I’ve bought your land, I bring you eggs and flowers, I repair your sinks and change the oil on your car.
All this time and you never said anything. Why?”
“Because,” she whispers. “I did such a poor job with my son, I thought that when you and your family found out, you wouldn’t come around anymore.
That I would lose you. I would lose you like I lost my son.
It was selfish and I am so sorry, but I thought I was protecting you and keeping you close at the same time. ”
“Is that why you gave me the land for so cheap?” he asks, and there is a trace of laughter in his voice.
“I only charged you anything at all because you would have been suspicious if I just gave it to you. Tanner all of this will be yours.”
Now he sits straight, dropping her hand. “What?”
“All of this land. This house. The bookstore. Everything. It’ll be yours. Ricky won’t see a square inch or a penny of it.”
Tanner’s eyes flutter shut. “Dollie—”
“Tanny.” She squeezes his hand. “I love you, my boy. I’m sorry I never said anything. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it was better if you just found out when you inherited everything.”
He nods as he takes in the information and I can only imagine what is running through his mind. His eyes, which usually give his every thought away, are now clouded and distant.
“The apartment was for Ricky,” I say it as the thought pops into my head. “You’ve been saving it for him.”
Dollie nods. “I kept it furnished and cleaned, but he never came. For years I have kept it for him. I’ve let a couple people stay here and there, but yes.
It was for Ricky. Then Tanner had been telling me about this girl he met in Chicago.
This beautiful woman and how he was going to marry her.
He said he just needed to be patient. Then, when she showed up wanting to rent it?
” Dollie shakes her head. “I thought if I lent it to you for free, you would stay and you two would finally figure things out.” There’s a small smile on her lips now.
“And if I’m not mistaken, it may have worked. ”
He said he was going to marry her.
The words ring through my head as Tanner glances over at me, and there is a rawness in his eyes. The confidence I’m sure he was born with has slipped into something more vulnerable.
“I think maybe it did,” I admit as he wipes my tear. “What if Ricky comes back now?”
She shakes her head. “I’ll tell him family is staying there, and he needs to find somewhere else to stay.”
“When is the last time you heard from him?”
“Two years ago,” she admits. “He called from a jail down in Louisiana. Wanted me to bail him out.”
“What did he do?” Tanner asks. “What did you do?”
“I didn’t ask. I told him he better not call me again unless he got his act together.”
“And he hasn’t.”
Dollie shakes her head.
I think of Winnie and my heart instantly aches for her. I want nothing more than to take her and wrap her up and never let her go. Then it hits me. I want to do the same for Tanner, too. I want to protect him and love him. I want to wrap him up and never let go.