Chapter 42
The morning comes after just a few restless hours of tossing and turning. Lauren and I sit around drinking coffee while Winnie talks, again, about the animals on her and Tan’s farm.
Once Mayben, Gwen, and Elyse arrive, Lauren passes out satin blue robes.
Hers is adorned with Atwood, across the heart in pretty loopy letters.
Winnie wears one that hangs too big on her and she sits amongst the “big girls” while she swings her feet happily, sipping a glass of chocolate milk with a big splash of coffee in it. “For a special treat,” Lauren told her.
We spend our morning eating treats and getting ready in any mirror we can find. We play music, drink mimosas and talk about how excited we all are to crawl into bed tonight while Winnie laments about Fish-Tanner not being invited.
Then, the caterers and flowers arrive and are set up outside under Mom and Myranda’s close supervision. Soon this small wedding transforms into an entire production that Lauren keeps her nose out of, letting Myranda and Mom fight all the last-minute battles together.
Lauren slips on her dress, and it looks like her belly has popped again overnight. The lacey fabric drapes just perfectly so when she turns there is no missing the bump. It’s perfect.
My dress is the palest shade of blue, and it falls across my body in a way I’m not used to.
A few of my sundresses are a slim fit, but this?
If the Fourth of July dress drew attention, this one will knock that out of the park.
It’s strapless and hugs every inch of my body.
Lauren swore she had the perfect dress for me and ordered it without showing me.
I had tried it on when it came in a couple weeks ago, but somehow it looks different now.
Elyse pops her head over my shoulder and looks me up and down in the mirror. “This is so hot.”
I smooth down the fabric again and fight the panic that bubbles up. If Tanner were still trying to break the rules, then this would have been my ace. And damn it, this should have been my ace.
Mom comes over and for a moment, her commandment of every hired hand falters when she sees Lauren and me. Her stoic eyes are laced with a softness that suits her.
“My beautiful girls.” She shakes her head.
“It’s about time. Looks like everyone is here,” Myranda calls from downstairs.
Mom snaps back into her zone, making sure the flowers are distributed and everyone is lined up in the proper order.
The bouquets are the most perfect mix of white and greenery.
All I can think as I hold them is that these came from Tanner’s farm.
That he picked them, and these stems have touched his hands more recently than I have.
And I’m jealous—a deep-seated, seething jealousy. Of damn flowers.
Winnie has no worry in the world as she twirls in her powder blue dress and hums a little song to herself, that sounds awfully like Santana. but my stomach is in my knees. Not for the wedding, but at the idea of walking down an aisle toward Tanner and it being the only time and not the way I want.
“Are we ready?” Myranda asks then gives the okay to the string quartet to begin to play, then releases the bridesmaids one at a time.
“Don’t be nervous Mommy,” Winnie pipes up behind me. “You look so pretty.”
“Thank you bug.” I smooth a curl into place on her head. “So do you.”
“There’s no more rocks or sticks,” Winnie tells me. “We cleaned them all up.”
“Is that why you guys were collecting them?”
“It was our secret project.” She beams.
“Alright my little something blue,” Lauren kisses Winnie on the head. “You got this.”
Myranda motions for me to go. It was beautiful yesterday, but now, in the afternoon light with the flowers all in place, it’s enchanting.
When I finally lift my eyes, they center on him instantly. During the rehearsal, I kept my gaze anywhere but on him. The ground, the sky, the trees. Now, my eyes settle on him like they’re trying to find their way home. Tanner’s lips purse to the side, and his eyes blink away tears.
Beautiful. He mouths and my heart aches for him with every step I take and every quiver of my bottom lip.
I slip into my spot and turn to watch Winnie come out the door. Her smile is beaming across her face. No hesitation. No fear. Just pure giddy excitement.
Then halfway down the aisle, she does it.
A quick little spin just like she and Lauren talked about last night in bed, and everyone laughs.
Rhett gives her a high five before she goes to take her seat next to my mom.
She gives a little wave and with a quick glance I see that it’s Tanner she is waving to.
With a smile and a little tear down his cheek, he returns her gesture looking utterly in love and devastated all at once.
The quartet shifts into a new song, an Elvis tune, then out steps Lauren and Paul.
I steal my quick glance at Rhett. His stoic stone face had already softened but now, every hard edge or mysterious frown line is gone.
He has tears down his cheeks as he laughs through a sob.
Tanner pats his back, tears of his own trailing down his cheeks.
Once they reach the end of the aisle, Paul kisses Lauren’s tear-stained cheek, shakes Rhett’s hand and gives her hand to him with a wink. The crowd chuckles as he then shuffles into his position as officiant, and it begins.
He goes through the beautifully scripted ceremony leaving not a single dry eye in the yard. He announces them as Mr. And Mrs. Atwood, and everyone erupts into cheers as the quartet begins to play again while Lauren and Rhett walk back up the aisle. Then Tanner steps forward and lends me his arm.
“You’re stunning,” he says to me so quietly I almost miss it.
I squeeze his arm and focus on keeping my feet under me.
“It doesn’t break a rule.” He clasps his other hand over mine. “Because it’s a fact.”
I blink the burning tears away and I cling to his arm because there’s nothing else left to keep me standing.
Pictures are fast and furious as we are shuffled through all the poses the photographers have lined up. All the bridesmaids. All the groomsmen. The couple. The whole group. The families.
“Mommy!” Winnie runs up and grabs my hand. “Come on, we need a picture with Tan too!”
“Oh, Winnie we don’t really have time—”
“Sure we do.” The photographer winks at Winnie “I can squeeze one in for you with your mom and dad.”
Winnie, nor I, correct her. And neither does Tanner as he stands there watching us with some muddled expression I can’t decipher. We shuffle together and Tanner’s hand slips around my waist and I lean into his side and hope the camera can’t pick up the tears in our eyes.
When it’s time for the reception, Myranda lines me back up with Tanner. He holds his arm back out for me again and I cling to him like my life depends on it. I hold tight because I know I’m losing this. I’m losing these people and this home. I’m losing him.
“Maid of Honor and Best Man, Hannah Dorada and Tanner Auclair,” the DJ calls out, and we step out to Winnie standing on her chair cheering louder than everyone else.
“She really loves you,” I tell him through my smile as the crowd cheers.
“And she really loves you.”
I bite the inside of my cheek and hate myself for leaving. I hate myself for letting Ethan win again. I hate Tanner for not wanting me to stay enough to fight for me.
We make our way to the head table that’s been set up where the alter once stood. Tanner pulls out my chair for me before sitting in his spot.
“And get those hands together for the new, Mrs. and Mrs. Atwood!”
We all swing our napkins overhead and cheer. Lauren’s hand falls to her belly, and she smiles from ear to ear.
After dinner, we get drinks and make our way to the dance floor. I pretend not to notice Tanner watching me from his spot at the makeshift bar. When the music slows, a hand I would know anywhere presses against my lower back.
“Dance with me,” Tanner says.
All it takes is a single turn and I’m right back to my place in his arms. My hands slip around his neck and my tears fight to spill. I can feel the goodbye in his fingertips as they grip my hips and I see it in his tear-filled eyes. This dance is the truce before the end.
We sway for only a moment longer before I feel Tanner’s entire body stiffen under my arms. When I turn my head to see what it is, I find Sebastian dancing with Winnie on top of his feet.
“Mommy. I’m dancing with Uncle Seb.”
“Seb?” Tanner asks, fingers digging into me.
“Yeah, this is my brother-in-law. Well, ex-brother-in-law, I guess.”
Winnie giggles as Seb scoops her up into his arms and brings her over.
“Tanner this is Sebastian. And Sebastian, this is—"
“Our Tanner.” Winnie cuts me off.
“The one you were telling me all about?” Sebastian smirks. “The one your mom kisses? Her boyfriend?”
My cheeks flush and I shake my head. “Oh my God.”
“Nice to meet you man.” Sebastian reaches his hand out to shake Tanner’s.
“Sebastian.” Tanner’s eyebrows pinch together. “Nice to meet you.”
The song picks up and Winnie crawls out of Sebastian’s arms and drags him back to the middle of the dance floor.
“I thought that was Ethan.” Tanner continues to hold me as he watches them go like ghosts.
“You what?”
He looks at me with what almost resembles fear, then grabs my hand and begins pulling me from the dance floor.
“Tanner wait—” I call out. “What do you mean you thought that was Ethan?”
“That night.” He stops suddenly and spins to face me.
“After getting the new fish, I finished up some paperwork at the shop then called off the rest of my shift. I grabbed a pizza and came right back over. You two were up on the balcony, hugging and he kissed your head and I thought it was Ethan. I just couldn’t process it.
If I went up there, I would have killed him.
Or at least tried to. So I tried to wait a minute to calm down, but then Dollie called and asked why you were leaving, it wasn’t just that you were trying to leave, I thought you were going back to him. I thought you chose Ethan.”