Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
Lora: Please go look at your television right now.
I’ve already “packed” it up, but since it’s still plugged in and turned on to the stream of the ScaryDarkAlienVampire who’s working today (it’s back to being the old, scraggly one with the bad hair), I look at the television, and as soon as I do, the ticker that’s been announcing that Earth is now under guardianship changes to something a lot more personal.
I have an appointment with an alien vampire doctor tomorrow. It’s been a week since they showed up, and I’ve already got an appointment with a doctor. I didn’t even know I needed one.
Me: Why do I need to go see a doctor, and will they mind me calling them Doctor RANDY instead of RageAbleNeutralDominantYearn?
Lora: We are testing the suitability of using in-home televisions to deliver personalized announcements, and because I drank from you, I thought it would be prudent to have one of our physicians examine you for possible side effects from the fluid exchange.
Me: Unless you’re planning to put a TV in every home in the world, it’s only going to be effective for a percentage of the population. I don’t like getting my personal news this way, but there will be some people who enjoy it.
Also me: You didn’t answer the question about RANDY.
Lora: I am waiting on a response from RageAbleNeutralDominantYearn.
Also Lora: Look at your TV again.
On the screen is a question: Enable notifications on this device: Yes or No? Speak your answer.
“No.” Alien tech merging with human tech is weird, right?
Another message pops up: State your preferred device.
“Phone.” Because why not?
My phone buzzes in my hand, and on the screen is a notification from the system: Notifications enabled for ScaryDarkAlienVampire Imperium.
Another notification pops up, which is a repetition of the first one about the doctor appointment.
I text Lora: This works for me. It’s weird that I had to speak my answers to a TV.
Lora: Your TV does not have audio input capability. Your home has six devices with audio input capability inside it currently, and since our arrival, you have never left your house without the one in your hand as you read this message.
Me: It’s supposed to be disturbing that my devices are listening to me, but I knew that when I bought them, and this is what I signed up for, sooooo… *shrug*
Lora: While you are with the doctor tomorrow, I will supervise your move. I will escort you to your new housing assignment afterward.
I love how he just tells me what he’s going to do.
Me: Is it unique to you or a species thing that you don’t ask permission?
Lora: It is perhaps both. Drones are permissive to breeders and breeders develop an expectation of cooperation from others.
Also Lora: I would ask permission from a breeder as they would me, but no one else. Since you are not a breeder, I did not think to ask.
Me: So, if I was a woman, you would have asked?
Lora: Yes.
Me: Good to know. See you tomorrow. Thank you for your help. And the drones. And maybe for the doctor appointment.
Lora: You are welcome. The doctor says Randy is acceptable.
***
Doctors have always been a little intimidating for me, especially as a man who regularly gets tested for STIs because I don’t like using condoms. Doctors can be really judgy about testing, which is weird because it's proper health protocol, right? Nurses are great though. Love nurses.
It just occurred to me that maybe the doctors are being judgy about not using condoms. Yes, I’m on PrEP, but that only covers one thing, and there’s a lot more than HIV out there.
Anyway.
Doctors are intimidating, but imagine sitting on a medical table that requires three steps up because your doctor is five-ish feet taller than you and could eviscerate you with a single swipe of his extra sharp claws.
That’s Doctor Randy. He’s at least a foot taller than Lora and half again as wide.
Lora is huge. Randy is huger. That’s not a real word, but it’s accurate.
“Good morning, Oliver Teakwood. You are my first human patient, but I am fully qualified to interpret the diagnostic charts that the medical suite will build from its analysis of your scans and testing. LoveOrderRenewalArtifice recommends an analysis of your health after the fluid exchange you participated in seven Earth standard days ago.”
Doctor Randy’s professionalism is almost a surprise, but then I remember how Lora is, and I decide I can probably just expect them to be formal in general.
“I’m here to do whatever Lora thinks I need to do and whatever you recommend.
I haven’t been to a doctor for more than my regular testing in a few years.
I got a little tired of them always recommending I lose fifty pounds.
If I could lose fifty pounds on a diet of cheese, I would, but since losing the weight would require giving up the cheese, I’m happy being a bear. ”
Doctor Randy takes in my mini rant with professional aplomb. “I do not know the possible ranges for healthy humans yet. Please stand in the green circle for the scan, like so.” He indicates a large green circle and stands with his arms and legs slightly spread.
I take my place in the circle and a few moments later the green circle rises from the floor around me, emitting a subvocal buzz that makes my teeth feel weird in my head.
It goes up and down three times, then Randy instructs me to place a finger on a little pad that the circle ejects from itself.
I do, and a prick later the device has taken my blood.
It lands back in the floor, and Randy moves to the output displays that appear on the wall.
It’s all very techy and sci-fi-y, and to be honest, I’m a little in awe of it all. Who knew I’d be living the Star Trek life?
I sit on the exam table again because standing around feels awkward.
It’s a doctor’s office. I'm sure standing is fine, but I’ve been trained from the time I was a baby how to be a good patient, and good patients sit patiently.
That’s a lot of that word in one sentence, isn’t it? Still, I’m not wrong.
Doctor Randy makes the noises of his language for ten minutes, uses the same forearm device that Lora has to make a call, and then after about twenty minutes of reading my chart, he finally turns to me, sits on his own chair, and smiles politely, keeping his pointed teeth behind his lips.
“I am finished with the analysis of your data. You are in good health. The scans all appear within the range of normal for your genetic predispositions. You have developed immune cells for some of the most common bacteria ScaryDarkAlienVampires carry in their mouths, and we anticipate that most humans will adjust well to donating blood for our people because of you. Thank you for volunteering so early in the adjustment phase of the guardianship protocols. Normally we would wait until everyone is rehomed and settled into their new duties before introducing direct fluid exchange.”
I narrow my eyes a little at the doctor. “Do you normally take blood donations with your mouths?” The way he talks about it, it feels like maybe Lora biting me was… out of the ordinary.
“We do not normally put our mouths on our volunteers because it generally causes more pain than necessary.”
I would like to point out that I didn’t feel any pain at all. “Um.”
Dr. Randy rattles in acknowledgement. “Yes, you are right. Our—” He stops in the middle of his sentence and scrunches up his face like he just ate a lemon, rattling in disapproval.
“Surely there is a better word than ‘breeder’ in your language that is not ‘woman’ since we are not male or female by Earth standards.” He rattles softly for a moment and looks a little distant before raising his arm device and doing the phone-a-friend thing Lora did the last time I had this conversation.
For a few minutes Dr. Randy and the person on the other end talk, and I can tell Dr. Randy is getting frustrated with how the conversation is going. Since I’m the English expert in the room (hopefully), I try to think of a better word for Lora’s sex designation.
It might be helpful if I understood how they procreated?—
Just how stupid is this conversation? I’m trying to designate Lora’s sex. What the fuck? Biologically he’s an alien who makes alien babies. His pronoun preference is he/him. What the fuck else could possibly matter? Words are useful for communication, but this is ridiculous.
“If you need to classify yourselves in English how about donative versus receptive, or if that is not how you mix gametes, use the term that describes how you do that,” I suggest, realizing once I’ve said it that they might not use gametes at all.
That might be an Earth exclusive form of propagation.
Dr. Randy pauses the conversation with his colleague to peer thoughtfully at me. “Our species only produces one gamete, but perhaps we can differentiate by using the terms donor and parent. Drone and breeder are inaccurate and too reductive.”
The person on the other end of his device makes a noise of approval, and he ends the call or whatever you want to call it.
“So Lora’s a parent. Works for me. Before we were derailed by inadequate terminology, you were saying something about parents and me being right about something.
” I can admit to myself that I am fascinated by the aliens.
I’m just glad they’re peaceful-ish, because it’d be really awkward to be this interested in a species that was actively trying to extinct my species.
Dr. Randy rattles in approval and explains. “Yes. It is part of the parent venom glands to block the pain receptors of their donors to make donation a pleasant experience. Donors do not have the same chemical blockers in our venom since evolution did not expect us to leave our prey alive.”
I hold up a finger as I process that and then clarify. “Do parents usually bite donors?”
Dr. Randy rattles in approval again. “LoveOrderRenewalArtifice mentioned you were intuitive for a human. Yes, that is how we make our donations to the parents. I’ve been chosen by thirty-three parents to donate.
” He says this proudly, tipping his head to the side to show a significant scar on his neck.
It’s located a little off from where it would be on a human, but I can’t really expect aliens to have their jugulars in the same place as humans, can I?
“Well done, you.” I bet that’s a safe response to the pride in his voice.
He smiles but keeps his lips over his fangs. “Yes, indeed.” He indicates the charts on the walls again. “Let us finish. LoveOrderRenewalArtifice is waiting for you.”
I nod, and Dr. Randy goes over my results in more detail.
He says I’m perfectly healthy, and that I have a predisposition to colon cancer, so he gives me a little injection with genetic therapists inside that will fix my predisposition so I don’t get colon cancer later in life.
I don’t know what the genetic therapists are.
I’m telling you what he told me. I’m sure there was a breakdown of communication there, but since I’m getting a free pass on colon cancer, I’m fine with whatever he calls it.
Once he’s done, he escorts me out of the exam room to a waiting room, where Lora sits alone working on his arm device or something.
Maybe he’s playing a game. I don’t know what ScaryDarkAlienVampires do in their down time.
My heart skips a little beat, and I give that asshole a firm mental smack because I really shouldn’t have a crush on Lora.
We’re not even the same species, although he is totally fuckable because he can give consent if he wants to.
No, it’s the whole he bites to propagate thing.
Huh.
Did—? Did we?—
“Did we have sex when you bit me?” I question, startling both him and the doctor.
Lora rattles a negative. “I would have gained consent for that specific use of your blood, and I have already completed my obligation to the empire.”
“It’s unlikely that humans are genetically compat—” the doctor cuts himself off with a curious rattle. “Nevermind. Humans are genetically compatible with us. I must issue an alert for that, excuse me.”
I barely glance over as Dr. Randy leaves, focused as I am on Lora. “Ok, because sex with humans is a lot different than me sitting on your lap letting you neck me.” I give that a second thought. “Well, it involves more than that.”
“I am aware of how humans propagate and the recreational sexual activities that humans engage in to create social bonds,” he assures me, then after a short pause, “I do have the structures for sex. We also engage in intimate social bonding through sex. It is not for propagation. It is exclusively for our physical, social, and emotional health.”
I’m really glad I’m not a teenager anymore. I’d be so fucking hard right now if I was. I’m turned on and horny, but at least I’m not rocking a public boner. Fuck puberty, man.