Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
JADE
“My heart was his, long before I realized.” - Clara Foss, Painted Inferno
It’s been almost one whole week since Matteo told me he’s in love with me.
The morning after, I got an email from my editor with the first round of edits for my book. The relief I felt was indescribable. After fighting for my life through writer’s block, producing a story my editor approved of was an amazing feeling. I’m still riding the high, back in my groove.
And it feels so good.
Thankfully, there wasn’t too much I needed to rewrite, however, it was a welcomed distraction. It was a better excuse to keep my distance from him while I try to figure out what the hell I’m doing here.
We said we wouldn’t catch feelings, yet here we are, both of us breaking that one rule.
I stare up at the ceiling, my eyes tracing invisible patterns against the white surface. Everything about the words he spoke have left me terrified. I want to trust him, God knows I do, but taking that leap of faith?
It left me paralyzed.
We’ve texted throughout the week, and he hasn’t brought it up once. There’s no pressure from him, no expectations. Just a steady calm, weathering the storm and waiting for me to turn my ship around to sail back to him.
I can’t keep holding his past against him. People change, as do circumstances. But just as quickly as someone can change, they can always revert to their old ways.
Although, the only way he can prove he won’t break my heart is if I give him a real chance to. I chew on the inside of my cheek, staring up at a small speck on the ceiling. My phone rings from where it’s sitting on my nightstand.
A heavy sigh escapes me, and my head spins as I move to sit up straight. Today has been a weird day with the way I’ve been feeling. Sometimes, I’m acutely aware of my heart beating inside my chest. Every once in a while the dizziness happens, but today it’s been coming in frequent waves.
My pulse races, the beating erratic as I take a second to catch my breath and get my bearings straight. I reach for my phone, my eyes closed against the dizzy sensation as I feel the device under my fingertips. I answer it without even looking at the screen.
“Hello?” I say breathlessly.
“Jade?” My eyes open at the sound of Ellie’s voice. “Are you okay?”
“Ellie… hey.” I say after a moment. I completely forgot we were supposed to meet up tonight. “Shit. I forgot about dinner. I think I’m okay, I’m just not feeling well today.”
“What’s going on?”
I explain to her about the way I’ve been feeling, giving her a brief overview of my symptoms. “I just saw my cardiologist last month,” I explain, inhaling deeply. “Everything looked normal.”
“Maybe you should go into the hospital, just to make sure everything’s okay.”
The hospital? It’s the last place I want to go. Unfortunately, it’s the only option since it’s Saturday and the cardiology office is closed. “I don’t know if it’s worth going,” I say slowly, chewing on my lip. Anxiety knots in my stomach.
“It’s your heart, babe.” She’s quiet for a second. “Even if it’s nothing, I think you should still get checked out.”
“I don’t know,” I say, scooting to the edge of the bed to stand up. As I change positions, the same sensation happens, a wave of dizziness and the racing of my pulse. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I’ll take you,” she says without any hesitation. “Unless you think you need an ambulance?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, shaking my head. “No, I’m not in that bad of shape.” I blow out a breath as I collect myself again. “Are you sure you don’t mind taking me?”
“Not at all. I’ll be there soon.” There’s a rustling sound in the background. “Stay on the phone with me until I get there.”
“Okay.” I sigh in relief, slowly making my way out to the living room. Ellie doesn’t keep talking, but I can hear her humming, so I know she’s still on the phone. I’ve been trying to not panic with the way my body’s been acting today, although there’s a comfort in knowing I’m not alone right now.
It’s a comfort I’ve been missing since putting distance between Matteo and myself.
I glance at the clock and grab the remote when I see it’s a half an hour until puck drop.
I was never a hockey fan before, but I never really had a reason to watch in the past. This last week, I’ve had the Hillford Ice Hawks playing in the background while I’ve been working through edits on my book.
My stomach flips when I see Matteo on the ice. I should let him know what’s going on, although I don’t want to worry him for nothing. I’m only going to be safe, rather than sorry.
He doesn’t need the extra stress in the middle of the game.
It can wait until after I’m back home.
I absolutely hate hospitals.
I look away from the hockey game on the TV and stare at Ellie nodding off in the chair next to my bed. “Hey,” I say, trying to get her attention. “El.”
She stirs, lifting her head, blinking rapidly. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, nodding my head. “The nurse was just in and said they had a trauma come in, so it might be another hour or two until I get discharged.”
Surprisingly, everything moved quickly in the two hours we’ve been here.
I was accelerated through triage since it was cardiac related, and they did immediate testing.
Thankfully, they determined it was nothing serious and the symptoms were stemming from something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome or POTS for short.
Apparently, it causes all the symptoms I’ve been feeling, not just today, but normally when I don’t feel right. It mainly has to do with blood flow and transitioning from different positions, although it can occur just with standing and activity sometimes.
There’s no cure, but they gave me fluids and some medicine to help me tonight. I have a follow up with my cardiologist and strict orders to increase my water and salt intake, along with medication just in case.
“It’s almost ten o’clock. You can go home, and I’ll just order a car whenever they let me go.”
“No way.” Ellie makes a face and shakes her head. “I’m not leaving you here alone.”
“I promise I’ll be okay.”
She purses her lips. “The only way I’d leave you is if Matty were here and,” she pauses, her eyes flicking to the TV. “Looks like he’s a little busy.”
I look at the screen, sucking in a deep breath, with my phone burning in my hand. It’s the second intermission and I’m still waiting until the game is over to say anything to him. The first and second period were a lot longer than normal with a lot of penalty calls and reviews.
Matteo’s been battling with one player in particular on the other team… Aiden Scott.
“Did you tell him you’re here?”
“No,” I look back at her, shaking my head. “The last thing I want is for him to worry or be preoccupied.”
“Good point,” she says, nodding her head. “Text him when the third period starts, that way he knows when the game’s over.”
I stare at her. “It’s not anything serious. I’ll tell him tomorrow or something.”
“Why? Why are you so resistant to letting him in?” Her eyebrows tug together. “I know you have reservations and you’re afraid he’ll hurt you, but give the guy a damn chance, Jade.”
Her words hit me in the chest. I’ve talked to her about everything, and this is the first time she’s coming at me with tough love.
“Are you in love with him, Jade?”
“I—” Shit. “Yes.”
Oh my god. My stomach flutters. I can’t believe I just admitted it outloud, but now that the words are out, there’s a lightness that spreads through my chest.
There’s no sense in lying. Not to her. Not to myself… and not to Matteo.
“Then you need to tell him. Life is too short, stop wasting it. If anything, coming to the hospital tonight should have showed you that.” She stares at me, hard.
“What if it were something serious tonight? What if it were the worst case scenario? Matteo would have never known that your stubborn ass feels the same way about him.”
I’m at a loss for words for a second. “It’s not that simple.”
“Says who?” She shakes her head. “You have a chance at something real with someone who loves you. He’s not an Aiden Scott. I don’t even know him that well, but it’s obvious. Everyone else is invisible to that man except for you.”
I swallow hard over the lump lodged in my throat. She’s right. I’ve let my fear and stubbornness get in the way. I’ve been quietly holding Matteo’s past against him, thinking he would end up being just like my ex.
When in reality… he’s nothing like Aiden.
Aiden never looked at me the way this man does. He never did half the things Matteo does for me. He never made me feel anything close to what Matteo Ford does.
“Stop overthinking it and just jump. You’re the only one holding yourself back and you don’t want to lose a good thing like what you have with him.”
Her words seep into my brain as I look back at the TV and see the guys lining back up on the ice. I look at her again. “You’re right. I need to tell him the truth.”
“Thank sweet baby Jesus,” she laughs, sitting back in her chair, leaning her head back with her eyes closed. “Wake me up when it’s time to go.”
A smile tugs on my lips as I unlock my phone and find my message thread with Matteo. My stomach flips as my fingers start to move across the screen.
I know what I want… and it’s a future with him.