Chapter 24
After a long day and staying up to make love well into the early, pre-dawn hours of the morning, Aspen had found it impossible to fall asleep, even with the comforting weight of Eve nestled against her chest. She’d dozed off and on for short stretches, but her mind refused to shut down completely and allow her to rest. Which, on any other night, would have been annoying, but she didn’t have it in her to care since it gave her a few more hours to enjoy holding Eve.
She’d known from the beginning that Eve would return to New York at the end of the weekend, but it was only now, as she basked in the warmth of Eve’s body draped over her own and the soft puff of Eve’s breath against her chest, that she truly realized what that meant.
No more waking up to Eve’s soft, sleepy smile.
No more sweet kisses.
No more being able to quietly savor the warmth of Eve’s presence at her side.
No more experiencing her beloved mountains anew through Eve’s eyes.
No more evenings spent—
“No,” she huffed under her breath as she wiped at her eyes. She couldn’t think like that.
Yes, she was going to have to say goodbye to Eve in a few hours, but it wasn’t forever. She had to believe that it wasn’t forever, because the alternative… She pressed her lips together as a cold, crippling, hollow feeling settled in her chest. The alternative just might break her.
She had to trust that they would find a way to make this thing between them work.
Trust would come easier for her if she had a plan to lean on, but they’d gotten so distracted by the euphoria that this magic could extend beyond the weekend that they never got around to sorting out those first, oh-so-important and fragile steps of how they’d make it happen.
And, yeah, okay, she knew that it would obviously boil down to them coordinating their schedules and one of them flying to the other—but without that structure clearly defined, she couldn’t help but worry that all of this would disappear the instant Eve set foot on the plane that would whisk her back to New York.
New York.
Fuck.
What if Eve wanted to stay in New York?
Aspen sucked her lower lip between her teeth and bit down on it hard enough to stifle to sob she could feel building in her throat.
If push came to shove, she could try to relocate, but she knew that there was no way she’d be able to live there long-term. She wouldn’t last a week in Manhattan before she had a panic attack. It was just too much.
Too loud, with the sirens speeding by at all hours of the day and night, car horns constantly blaring, and the deafening sound of doors slamming that made her want to hit the dirt and cover her head for protection.
Too oppressively, constantly crowded with people jostling for position on the sidewalk, the subway, the elevator.
Just thinking about putting herself into the middle of all that made her brain start to hum with the old, painfully familiar buzzing sound that heralded an oncoming anxiety attack.
And what made it all the worse was that she wouldn’t even begrudge Eve for choosing to stay in the city she’d made her home. How could she, when Eve had fought so hard to carve a life out for herself that had nothing to do with her parents’ bullshit expectations?
Even if she wanted Eve to choose her, too.
Christ, it was almost laughable how, after a lifetime spent skillfully avoiding attachment, she found herself ass-over-eyeballs for a woman who lived across the goddamn country, in a city that was guaranteed to undo all of the work she’d done putting herself back together.
Never mind the fact that Michael was going to kill her when he found out. She had just been messing with him when she’d refused to say she’d leave Eve alone, but the truth remained that Eve was his best friend, and here she was, doing exactly what he’d specifically warned her not to.
But it wasn’t like it was her fault.
Not really, anyway.
When Eve was comfortable, she had a wicked sense of humor that was fucking incredible, and, yeah, she was breathtakingly beautiful, but more than that, Eve saw the world in a way she wished she could. She’d gone to the Academy hoping to find her purpose outside her role as the eldest daughter and heir to the family dynasty—and she had, for a while. But the high of flying and the rush of executing damn near impossible missions faded in the face of being forced to say goodbye to too many friends far too soon, and she’d been drifting through life ever since she’d walked away from it all in an attempt to save herself.
God, it was almost funny to think back on how legitimately annoyed she’d been when Michael’s call had disrupted her immaculately crafted schedule. Because the moment she watched Eve trip over her own feet and witnessed the warmth of her smile, the dulled, deadened part of herself that she’d thought she’d lost forever in the rubble and ruins of the Middle East flickered back to life.
Not because Eve needed her to play the white knight, as Kit and Lydia liked to joke, but because, somehow, even in that first, stumbling glance, she knew that Eve saw her . The moment their eyes locked, the staticky, itchy, uncomfortable feeling that had become her constant companion disappeared, replaced by a soothing, golden flutter she didn’t even understand at the time but that she now swore was her soul recognizing the one it’d been made to love.
So, really, it wasn’t her fault that she succumbed to ethereal pull that Eve had over her. She was only human, after all. And for a few short, glorious days, she’d been genuinely happy instead of just pretending at it. Yeah, there had been some colossally shitty moments thrown in, but the good ones far outweighed the bad.
And she didn’t want to let this magical feeling that’d taken root in her chest go.
Even though she knew she had to.
It wouldn’t be fair of her to ask Eve to stay. She worked too goddamn much—hell, her schedule was literally booked solid until late April, where she’d blocked out three weeks for herself—she was up before dawn every day, and in bed at a time more appropriate for a middle schooler than a grown-ass adult. It wouldn’t be right to ask Eve to commit to her when she was already overcommitted to her work.
But she wanted to.
God, her heart ached for it so much that it hurt to breathe.
She squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth as the buzzing in her head became louder.
Louder.
Louder.
Her therapist’s calm voice broke through the buzzing to prompt, “Tell me what you see.”
“Eve,” Aspen mouthed her answer so that she didn’t wake her. Even with her eyes closed, she saw Eve’s beautiful face. “I see Eve.”
“Good. Now, tell me something you can touch?”
Again, the answer was easy and immediate. “Eve.” She focused her attention further. “Her hair is soft against my shoulder, and her breath is so warm against my skin. She feels so good. So right.”
“Because she is. What can you hear?”
This time, she had to expand her senses a little further, but not by much. Just enough to notice, “The heater is running.”
“Good. Very good. Now…what can you smell?
“Eve’s shampoo. Her perfume.”
“Excellent. Now—”
Her thoughts tripped and froze when Eve stirred and brushed a soft kiss over her shoulder.
“You’re thinking very loudly.” Eve’s voice was warm and raspy with sleep as she looked up at her. “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“Noth—” Aspen cut herself off with a sigh. Eve deserved the truth. “Just thinking about us.”
“Oh.” Eve frowned, and Aspen’s heart ached at the way her expression turned wary. “Are you having second thoughts?”
Aspen caressed Eve’s cheek. “No, beautiful girl,” she whispered, her eyes stinging with tears. I just found you. How am I supposed to find the strength to let you go? “I’m not having second thoughts about how right this feels or how much I want you.”
Eve’s eyes fluttered with the shaky sigh that tumbled from her lips, relief etched into every beautiful facet of her expression. “Okay,” she whispered. She shifted against Aspen’s side so that they were at eye-level and propped her head on her hand. “Good.”
Aspen’s heart skipped a beat at the look of concern mixed with affection that softened Eve’s gaze as their eyes locked. “Are you having second thoughts?”
Eve smiled slow and sweet, like the sun rising over the mountains on an icy winter morning, chasing away the chill that had settled in Aspen’s chest when she’d been left to her thoughts and warming her from the inside out. “None.”
“Even though we live in different places?”
Eve hummed and kissed her softly. “Even though,” she confirmed.
“So what happens next, then?” Aspen asked, hating the way her voice trembled with the question, but there was no way her voice could possibly remain steady with the way her heart was racing. “With me here, and you in New York, and—”
Eve placed her hand over Aspen’s heart, an unmistakably empathetic look furrowing her brow when she felt just how fast Aspen’s heart was beating. “Is that what had you up so early?”
Aspen bit her lip and nodded.
“Baby…” Tears welled in Eve’s eyes as she swept her thumb in a gentle arc over Aspen’s heart. “I don’t know what happens next,” she whispered. “I wish I did. I just know that I don’t want to lose this.” Her touch was soft and soothing as she continued to paint slow, steady stripes over Aspen’s chest. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Aspen’s eyes fluttered at the tenderness that warmed Eve’s voice. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”
Eve smiled. “So we’ll work with that.” Her breaths fell slow and steady against Aspen’s lips as she nuzzled her cheek. “I need to prep for a show I’m doing in Los Angeles at the end of January, and I’m guest-lecturing at the University of the Arts in London for two weeks at the end of April, but the time in-between and after…” Her voice trailed off, and she kissed Aspen softly. “I don’t really have to be anywhere.”
Aspen pressed Eve’s hand harder to her chest. “I want you with me.”
“I want that, too,” Eve murmured.
Aspen managed a weak smile. Her panic lessened as she lost herself in the sincerity that shimmered in Eve’s eyes. “Thank you.”
Eve pressed her hand to Aspen’s heart. “I didn’t do anything.”
“You did,” Aspen whispered. She closed her eyes as she confessed, “I was halfway to an anxiety attack when you woke up and stopped it in its tracks.”
“Oh, darling,” Eve sighed, sounding like she was close to tears. “Why were you panicking?”
“Because I don’t like not knowing what comes next.” She caressed the back of Eve’s hand. “And I’m afraid… I’m afraid the distance between Aspen and New York will get to be too much, eventually, and—”
“Baby, open your eyes and look at me,” Eve pleaded.
Aspen drew a long, deep breath and let it go slowly as she summoned the strength to do what Eve asked. And then her heart broke when she saw the tears shining in Eve’s eyes. “Eve…”
Eve’s eyes glowed like blue fire as she kissed her softly. “Even if the distance between Aspen and New York is too much, the distance between Aspen and Eve doesn’t have to be.”
It was a stupid, cheesy line more befitting some ridiculous Hallmark holiday movie than real life, but god if it didn’t do the trick as it sliced through Aspen’s lingering dread to pull a quiet huff of a laugh from her lips. “You’re too much.”
Eve’s eyes crinkled with joy. “In a good way?”
Aspen nodded and stroked her fingers over the back of Eve’s hand that was still pressed against her heart. “In the best way, beautiful girl.”
“I meant it, though,” Eve said, brushing a smile of a kiss to Aspen’s lips. “I’m not delusional enough to think that the distance won’t become an issue, but we will figure it out.”
Aspen wanted to say she that really hoped they could, but what came out instead was, “I hate New York.”
“I know, baby,” Eve shared in a hushed voice, like she was confessing a secret. “That doesn’t surprise me.”
Aspen frowned. Why was Eve so calm about this? “But that’s where your life is.”
“For now,” Eve agreed. “But it doesn’t have to be. We have time,” she murmured, echoing Aspen’s words from when they’d only just met. “We’ll figure it out.”
I don’t need time to figure it out. I love you. I want you here with me. Every day and always, I want you here with me. Aspen licked her lips and, knowing she couldn’t say that, settled for a soft, “Okay.”
“We will figure it out,” Eve repeated, her voice low and ringing with a confidence Aspen couldn’t help but believe in.
“I know.”
“I’m not letting you go,” Eve whispered vehemently.
“Please don’t,” Aspen begged as she dragged her right hand up Eve’s back to tangle her fingers in her hair and hold her close.
“I won’t,” Eve swore, the words soft as a rose petal against Aspen’s lips. Her eyelids fluttered as she nuzzled closer. “I won’t ever let you go.”