Chapter 35
Snow
The room was full of people. I was washed and dressed and primped and powdered. I barely had to lift a finger, which was good because I felt so dazed and confused that I would have only made a mess of whatever I touched. Nobody expected me to do anything anyway, except turn when I was told to, and lift my foot or my arm when requested. Despite all the busyness around me, I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon of thick wool. Everything that happened around me or to me felt like it was happening to someone else. I stood outside myself, a silent observer.
Part of me knew it was not normal. Part of me screamed to snap out of it. It demanded that I remember. Remember what? If I couldn’t remember it, it mustn’t be important…right?
And yet, the feeling persisted. That feeling of having forgotten something.
I felt something pressed into my palm. It was warm. It cut through the deadness around me. I looked up and caught the eye of a woman I had never seen before…or had I? Recognition tickled at the edges of my mind, but I couldn’t quite grasp hold of it. I knew she wasn’t one of the usual maids who attended me, but…
She closed my hand around whatever it was she had given me and then melted away. Another face appeared in front of me but didn’t look at me. None of them looked at me. Not even Greta looked at me these days. They avoided eye contact as much as possible. I hadn’t noticed until that one woman looked right at me, right into me. I made a fist around the object in my hand. It was hard but smooth, and the warmth continued to radiate from it, slowly traveling up my arm. Why hadn’t I realised just how cold I was? I suppressed a shiver as my arm warmed even more, and a prickling sensation replaced the numbness.
Instinctively, I knew I couldn’t let anyone see what was in my hand. Why should I care what anyone else thought? I was about to marry their prince and become their princess. And yet…and yet I didn’t feel like a princess. I didn’t feel like I had any authority in this place. The maids around me might be attending to me, but they were in charge. That I knew.
‘Can I…’ my voice was soft. Weak. When was the last time I spoke? I couldn’t remember. I tried clearing my throat and then spoke again, giving my voice more force to be heard over the murmurs surrounding me. ‘Can I have a moment?’ I said.
Everyone froze. One by one they turned to look at me, except they didn’t look at my eyes. Their gaze was lower. At my lips.
‘I…’ I what? ‘I need a break,’ I said. ‘I’m feeling…faint.’
Greta was by my side in an instant, shooing the others away.
‘There isn’t much time,’ one of the other women said. Her tone was a warning.
‘The princess hasn’t eaten all morning,’ Greta replied on my behalf. ‘She needs a small respite. There is time for that.’
The other woman sniffed, and after a slight hesitation, she nodded sharply. The others in the room retreated with her, leaving me alone with Greta.
‘Sit,’ Greta said, leading me over to a large over-stuffed chair.
‘Not there,’ I said.
The chair in question looked like it was eager to swallow me whole. I had the distinct impression that if I sat there, I would never get up again.
‘Outside,’ I said. ‘I need air.’
Greta hesitated, but she must have seen something in my face—not my eyes because even she wouldn’t look at them—and then slowly guided me to the doors that led onto the balcony.
Clutching the object tightly in my hand, I stepped out of the room that felt cloying and into the fresh air. I took a deep breath. It wasn’t the sweet freshness I was expecting, but it was far better than the overpowering scent of roses and sandalwood in the room.
I closed my eyes and willed my head to clear. The warmth in my arm had reached my shoulder, and I could feel it gently easing the tightness in my neck. I took another deep breath and let it out slowly.
‘Have some tea,’ Greta said, holding a delicate cup out to me.
My stomach churned at the thought, and I shook my head. ‘Water,’ I said. ‘I need water.’
Again, Greta hesitated before setting the cup down and returning to the room.
Alone at last.
Careful not to let Greta see, because I knew she was spying on me as she poured me a cup of water, I peeked at the object in my hand.
A gold pendent glinted back at me. A locket. A beautiful gold locket with a delicate design engraved on it. My heart clenched, and my eyes welled with tears. I didn’t know why I was so overcome with emotion. I had never seen this locket before, or the woman who had given it to me except…that didn’t ring true. I had no memory of either the locket or the woman, but somehow, both were familiar.
A soft scuff of slippers on stone alerted me to Greta’s return, and I fisted my hand again, turning it over and resting my knuckles on the stone balustrade.
‘Water,’ Greta said, holding the cup out to me.
I took it with my free hand and lifted it to my lips, taking a sip. It was tepid and tasted odd. I wobbled, hoping it looked completely natural and not like I was pretending. I’d said I felt faint; it would only be proper to actually faint. Loosening my fingers on the cup, I let it slide from my grip, spilling the contents all over my dress. Not my wedding dress. It wasn’t even a dress, not really. It was just layers and layers of underclothes that went underneath my dress. I jumped, feigning shock and knocked the tea from the balustrade for good measure.
Greta gasped, and just because I was feeling the tiniest spark of rebelliousness, I let my knees go weak and fell to the ground in a heap.
Greta cried out for the guards, and I pretended to be unconscious. There was a quiet satisfaction in my actions, although I didn’t understand the feeling. Shouldn’t I be overjoyed to be getting ready for my wedding? Why did I suddenly feel like I needed to escape? Why did I instinctively know I couldn’t trust Greta?
The answers wouldn’t be found as long as I was under her observation, of that I was certain. So I kept my eyes closed and my body lax as the guards lifted me and moved me to the bedchamber, laying me on the bed.
Eventually, Greta left me alone. I waited, counting in my head until I knew she was out of the room and wouldn’t suddenly come back in and catch me awake. Rolling on to my side so my back was to the door, I opened my hand and looked at the locket again. The warmth it had sparked in my arm was now filling my torso, and my head felt clearer than it had in an eternity, although I still felt off-kilter. I clicked open the pendent and saw the dried petal of a rose. I knew this petal, but I still could not make all the connections. But this petal and this locket meant something to me. They had to, otherwise why would I have such a reaction to them?
A small piece of paper fell to the bed. It was tightly wound in a scroll to fit within the confines of the pendent. Checking over my shoulder that Greta was still away from her post, I unrolled the paper and looked at the neat scrawl that practically jumped off the page. I knew that writing. I ran my finger over it before I even read the words, the act a way of touching the hand that penned the message.
We’re coming to rescue you. Act normal. Do what they say so they don’t suspect anything.
I love you.
~P
P? Who was P? And, they loved me? Who was coming to rescue me? Rescue me from what?
I didn’t know what I expected the note to say, but this gave me more questions and absolutely no answers. Did I even want to be rescued?
I thought about the numbness that had invaded my body. I thought about the feeling of suffocation and of losing myself into a void I couldn’t explain. I knew it wasn’t normal, but I had been powerless to fight against it. Whenever my brain raised an objection, it would be soothed away, and I would forget why I was so upset. But this locket and those words and that woman…they were breaking through the ice that had kept me captive. The locket had given me warmth, and life was slowly returning to my body. I thought I was marrying Elil because I loved him and he loved me, but I didn’t even feel like me. I didn’t feel anything. Or I hadn’t. Not until the locket. Love shouldn’t leave me feeling dead inside. Love shouldn’t make me feel like a mindless blob.
So maybe I did need to be rescued. Or at least, maybe I needed help rescuing myself. If whoever this P was came in and simply took me, then it would be kidnapping, not rescuing. I didn’t want that. I wanted answers, but I wanted to get them myself.
The door outside my bedchamber opened, and I heard voices. I quickly replaced the scroll and the petal into the locket and snapped it closed. With nowhere else to put it, I tucked it into my bodice, close to my heart. Did I feel it pulse with approval? That was a ridiculous thought and yet…
The door swung open, and I relaxed back onto the pillows, my eyes closed, my breathing even.
‘What happened?’ Elil demanded, his voice razor sharp and not the usual melodious tone I was accustomed to.
‘She complained of feeling faint, and then she collapsed,’ Greta hurriedly explained. ‘I think it is because she hadn’t eaten—’
‘What?’
‘The attendants came before she’d had a chance to eat breakfast, and—’
‘Not good enough,’ Elil growled, and I would have thought he was being concerned for my wellbeing except…except it felt like there was another reason he insisted I eat.
I made a small, audible sigh and let my eyelids flutter open. If I wanted the rescue to go ahead, I needed to get this wedding back on track. I don’t know why I trusted the scroll, but I did.
Elil was beside me in an instant, his face a mask of concern. There was something weird with his face, almost like I was seeing two of him. One image had a golden glow and sat over him like a ghost. The other image was harsher and not the face of the man I remembered. It wasn’t that he looked like a different person, just that my memories of him were of a more refined man, with all his hard edges smoothed and blemishes removed. The man beneath the ghostly apparition looked like a monster.
‘My princess,’ he said, his voice gently. ‘Are you okay?’
I smiled and nodded, and then I let my face fall. ‘I’m sorry. I must have caused a disturbance. I don’t know what came over me.’
Elil helped me sit up, scanning my face. He scrutinised my eyes, forcing me to look at him in return. What did he see? Why was he the only one who dared examine me so closely? He stared at me so long, I worried he could read every single one of my secrets. Eventually he pulled away and turned to Greta.
‘Get her a tray and some tea.’
Greta bobbed a curtsey and ran from the room. Elil turned back to me and lifted a hand to my cheek. I wanted to flinch away from him, but I didn’t, forcing myself to smile and lean into his hand even though his touch made my skin crawl.
‘You need to eat, Beautiful,’ he said.
‘I will,’ I replied, making my eyes wide and innocent as I looked at him. But it was hard. It was hard to feign adoration when this man looked more like a monster to me now. I didn’t even know what it was about him that frightened me.
He searched my face and my eyes once more and then nodded, satisfied with whatever he found there. He removed his hand from my face and I resisted the urge to shudder with relief. Without a backward glance, he strode from the room and I slumped back to the pillows. Crisis averted…I hoped.