Chapter 30 #2
A sound of a moving chair echoes over the phone. “Excuse me, Chord.” I wait for him. “Are you going to visit him?”
“Yeah, I guess. Around six. I’m not staying long. I need to pack some more since I spent the night at your place last night.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asks.
I roll the tension from my shoulders. “No, I’m not staying long. I wanted to talk to him about us but I’m not sure I will now. I’m thinking a quick visit,” I answer, rubbing my temples.
“After you’re done, come on home. I’ll help you pack this weekend.” He’s possibly the best man ever.
“I love you.” I sigh heavily.
“I love you. Be careful.”
I end the call, bending over to place my head between my legs. My lips tingle from the lightheadedness.
After stopping at the receptionist desk, I take the elevator to Jeffrey’s room. I peek inside, gathering the courage to walk in. He’s hooked up to machines making beeping and whooshing noises. He’s pale and looks nothing like he did a few weeks ago.
“Hey, Jeffrey,” I say, sitting beside his bed.
He turns his head toward me, smiling. “You came,” he says, struggling for air. “I’m so glad, Thank you.”
“I’m happy I could make it.”
“I know you’re busy and I don’t want to keep you.” He fights for air, placing an oxygen mask on his face for a few minutes.
“Well, I have to say it was on the advice of my fiancée that I came back. He made me realize I’d rather have any conversation than none.”
“He sounds like a wise man.” He coughs as he rolls, facing me.
I begin to sweat, so I rub my hands on my pants, hoping to calm myself down. “He’s a good man. I’m lucky to have him.”
“Does he think the same about you?” He replaces his mask.
“He does, tells me every day.” I crack my knuckles, knowing I want to get on with this. I hate to rush our reunion, but he made this what it is. At least I’m trying. “So, are you going to tell me why you’re here?”
“I’m dying but I think you know that already.”
I rub my lips together, trying to ease my dry mouth. I know I should be falling apart right now. Most children would be. We aren’t that family. He made choices and I can’t help how he made me feel.
“I’m assuming cancer?”
“Yes. It’s one reason I called you. I wanted to work on us before I was gone. As I’ve already said, I know I’ve hurt you, but I need your help.” His eyes bore into mine.
“Is he the only reason you called me? To help him before you die? I mean, there’s a ton of attorneys out there. Why me? Because I’d come cheap? Did you think we could have a family reunion? Why, Dad?” I seethe, anger boiling in my gut.
“I’ve regretted many things in my life, but I believe this may be my biggest.” He hangs his head for a moment but eventually lifts it to meet my gaze.
“I wanted to spend time with you. The amount didn’t matter.
Reese, I could never make up the time we’ve lost. I’ll never be able to take back the multitude of mistakes I’ve made with you alone.
“I didn’t care what gave us a chance to spend what precious time I could with you.
I knew I wanted to. That’s it. I wasn’t sure how to approach you.
Your mom never made it easy for me to visit or call.
I know it’s still my responsibility to make her, but I didn’t have it in me to fight anymore.
” My belly begins to ache as he continues to talk.
“Randy was a handful. He took so much of our time. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m not here to blame anyone. I want to spend what little time I have left in your presence. Looking at your beauty and getting to know you.” He rubs his eyes with a tissue.
My heart ceases as he clears tears from his face. I sit there in the small room with a man I know is my father but don’t recognize him as my dad. He’s right. There will never be enough time to make up for the time lost. But I can grant him this, time with me before he leaves this earth. Peace.
“What makes us love?” I avert my eyes and chew my lip, hoping to find the right words.
“I’ve waited over twenty years to hear you say those things.
To acknowledge me, that I’m your child. Death, it brings the worst and the best of our life to the surface.
Making us face it, head on. No apology or pretense. ”
“It kicks your ass.” His eyes flutter to mine.
I nod and sigh. “That it does. I’ll see what I can do,” I say, sliding the file from him and shoving it in my bag. “I’m not promising anything more than making sure he isn’t treated unjustly.”
“Come back.” His brows pulled low over his eyes. “Please? I’d love to talk with you some more.”
I choke back tears. Why they’re showing up, I’m not sure. I’m not sure if it’s the time I’ve missed with him or what he’s missed with me.
“I will. I promise.”
“I’m holding you to it.” He winks, flashing me a weak smile.
The closer home I get, the deeper I sink into despair. Why am I trying to please a man who has no bearing on my life? The need for his acceptance has blindsided me. I’m gutted by the utter disgust I have for myself. The fact I have a deep seeded need for it kills me.
He chose another family over me and my mom. Not once did he look back and check on us. I feel as if I’ve been programmed to think I need approval to have the support I deserve, and as a child, I needed.
His face flashes in front of me, withered and worn from illness and time. My gut rolls and I realize why I’m so upset. He’s my dad. I want his love. The only thing I need to decide is at what cost.