Chapter 32
“Miss Morgan?” Katie sticks her head through the door.
“Yes,” I say through gritted teeth. My mood for the last five weeks has continued to deteriorate.
She pushes the door open, holding another vase of flowers. “He sent more.”
“Keep them. I don’t want to see them.” I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to hide the lies I keep telling myself. “I’m going home early, so take them with you.”
“If that’s what you want.” She offers me a weak smile as I grab my bag and head home.
I hurry past my co-workers. I’m not in the talking mood. My life’s a wreck and I’m not pleasant. I crank the music and hit the highway. Here, the music’s loud enough that I can’t hear my own thoughts. Walker’s stopped calling but he continues sending flowers.
His texts are heartbreaking but there’s no way this can work. I’m overthinking about it. My dad died two days after I left Walker. I haven’t spoken to my mom and don’t plan to. I hate myself enough, and I don’t need her list of reasons why I should.
I open my door to boxes and what my life was supposed to be. You know, that happily-ever-after bullshit they feed to us, telling us we can have it all. Well, we can’t. Even if you find the most perfect man, it never works out.
I fall into bed and cry myself to sleep. When I open my eyes again, my room is dark, and Alden sits beside me.
“You look like a zombie. And you smell like one, too. Damn, get the fuck up.”
It’s true. I do.
I sit up, wheeling around on him. “Fuck you, Alden. Get the hell out of here and leave me the fuck alone.”
“I’ll tell you this. If not having him looks like this, you need to get your ass in gear and go get him,” he spits, the truth a projectile.
I look like shit. Tears fall down my face. If only it were that easy. “I can’t.” I shake all over.
He glares at me. “It’s been weeks, Reese. You won’t talk to him and you won’t tell me.”
“There’s no possible way we can be together, so why talk about it?”
“He wanted me to tell you he’ll be at the center on the days you’re not. You won’t even see him there now.” His mouth smashes into a thin line.
“I feel sick.”
“You don’t eat. You’ve lost about ten pounds or close to it.” He pulls my head down into his lap, playing with my hair. “When’s the last time you washed this?”
“I don’t know.” My chest hitches, and tears fall onto his leg. “I miss him, but I can’t have him. If he knew what I knew, he’d leave me. No way could he handle it and stay with me. I can’t hurt him this way. It would break him.”
“Why don’t you let him be the judge of what would break him and what he can handle?”
My stomach lurches. I hold it tight, trying to banish the nausea. “I made a promise to my dad. I’m keeping it.” I swallow hard. “And that promise doesn’t include Walker Pennington.” I scramble from the bed, tired of talking about this and him.
He pins me with a pointed stare. “Reese, you’re going to lose him.”
I clutch my aching chest; the void is eating me alive. “I already have, Alden. There’s no recovering from it.”
He stands, hauling me into his arms. “At least shower and pretend you’re good with your decision. I’ll fix some food.”
“I’m not hungry.” I push away from him and trudge to the shower.
“You’re eating.” He grumbles. “And you’re putting something on the bags under your bags.”
I flip him off as I shut the bathroom door. I drop my clothes and sit on the side of the tub to start the shower. Watching as the room fills with steam, I’m lost in the memory of Walker. The love that used to fill the cracks in my heart is starting to wear. Soon, it’ll be completely gone.
I step into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the pain. The load is too much to bear, and I slide down the wall to puddle on the shower floor. Fisting my hair, I cry until the water runs cold. The same thing I’ve done for longer than a month.
I thought I could do this, walking away from him should’ve been simple.
I thought it would be easier this way. Turning my back on him, like I’ve done many times with anything I knew would hurt me, I would just walk away.
But not this time. It’s not as painless as it once was.
I can’t get him off my mind or out of my heart.
I sit here, emptying my soul through the tears falling down my face. I watch them wash into the drain, taking my heart with them. I miss him, but I can’t have him. And the only thing I can do about it is break now, so he won’t later.
I turn the cold water off and drag clothes on my damp body. I join Alden on the couch, and he hands me a bowl of soup. My stomach revolts.
“You need to eat. It’s getting to the point where you can’t.”
“I know,” I say, setting it down on the table. “I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I think I may ask for something to help me sleep.”
“Or valiums. They’re good and you need them.” He narrows his eyes at me.
“Alden,” I turn around, facing him, “if I thought in my heart of hearts Walker and I could work through this, I would flat-out run to him. Do you understand? Do you think I would rather live without him? No, I wouldn’t choose this, not after knowing him the way I do. He will always own me.”
“What’s so bad that you can’t work out?” He spins on me, his face red. “He loves you like nothing I’ve ever witnessed before, Reese. I don’t understand.”
“He won’t, trust me.” I wave him off. “Give it a few weeks, and he won’t love me anymore.”
“Why? Tell me something, anything. He’s lost without you and you are, too.” Alden’s face pinches up, his pain for Walker evident.
As if I couldn’t feel worse.
“I made a promise. I have to keep it.” I shrug, wiping my face dry.
“Oh, okay. I’ll tell him, your conviction in keeping a promise to a dead man that never did a damn thing for you is more important than your love for him.
Makes perfect sense, I got it.” He springs from his seat, slamming his things into the sink.
“And when you go tomorrow, tell them you’re batshit crazy. ”
I watch as my best friend walks out on me and rightfully so.
“Reese?” Doctor Perri jerks me from my thoughts. My eyes flicker to hers, and I offer a weak smile. “How are you?”
“Good. Not sleeping much.”
She begins her exam, checking the basics. “Any reason you’re not sleeping?”
I lick my dry lips. “Work. I work a lot. My dad passed away a few weeks ago.” I try not to focus on the main cause. I dry my sweaty palms.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Reese. I thought you were going to say a man but not for that reason.” She pauses. “Lie back, please.”
I throw my arm over my head, hiding my tears behind it. Geez, could I not be so emotional all the time?
“It is because of a man.”
“Losing your father is a traumatic experience for the best of us,” she says, offering a tissue as she concludes my breast exam.
“I wasn’t close to him. It’s an excuse for the real reason.” I grind my teeth from the pain in my chest.
“Oh, okay.” She taps my leg, signaling me. “You have a lot going on.”
“Yeah, about that, I was wondering if I could get something to help me sleep?”
She pulls her glove off, handing me a towel. “Let’s do a few tests and I’ll see if I can find you something.” She hesitates at the door. “When was your last appointment?”
“Oh, God.” I rack my brain. “I have no clue, I had to reschedule.” I shrug with wide eyes.
“Your last cycle?” She asks with raised brows.
“I should know this,” I bite my lip, searching the calendar on my phone. “I’m not sure.”
She nods her head. “Sit tight. A nurse will be with you soon,” she offers me a tight smile before the door closes.
I jump from the bed, cleaning up. I wait for the nurse who shows up with a million vials and a cup. Have I mentioned I hate going to the doctor? They poke and prod you, making you uncomfortable. All I want is to sleep. After waiting what feels like a million years, Doctor Perri joins me again.
She sits down at the small desk, spinning her seat toward me.
“All right, Reese, you’re pregnant. So naturally, I can’t give you a sleeping aid.
I’m going to give you some vitamins. We’ll need to schedule an ultrasound.
As far as I can tell, you’re about twelve weeks but I could be off a little.
I went by what you told the nurse was your last cycle.
You’ve had a lot going on and you’re late for your shot. ”
The room spins. I hold my hand up to stop her. “Wait.” I struggle to breathe before going on. “What are you saying?”
Her forehead creases. She rolls closer to me, taking my hand. “You’re going to have a baby. Which surprises me you haven’t been sleeping. It’s usually one of the first signs.”
“Are you sure? I’m not one to tell people how to do their job but I’m thinking something's screwed up.” I blink rapidly, shaking my hands out.
“I assure you, you’re pregnant.” She pats my hand. “I’m assuming this wasn’t part of the plan.”
“No, not at all,” I mutter, thinking of Walker and knowing he’ll want to be with me. “He’s gonna hate me.”
But this changes nothing.
“Many women raise children on their own.”
Lady, you have no clue. Oh, God. What if I turn into my mother?
I glare at her. “It’s not his fault we’re not together. He’s a good man.”
“That’s good.” She stands. “I’ll get your vitamins. Should we schedule your ultrasound?” She waits for my response.
I nod. “Yes, please.”
She walks out, and I leap from the table, grabbing my phone to text Alden. Meet me at my place in thirty.
You okay?
Yeah. No.
I’ll be there.
I walk through my front door with Alden on my heels. “What’s up?” I wheel around, tossing the bag on the table. He picks it up. “You look pale as a ghost.” He glances into the bag full of prenatal vitamins, his eyes flash back to me. “Well, damn.”
I bite my nail, talking over it. “This is bad.” I breathe through my nose and out my mouth, trying to calm my racing heart. “What should I do? Don’t say tell him. Anything but telling him.”
His mouth agape, he glares at me as if I’m insane. “You have to tell him. Why would you not tell him?”