Chapter Thirty-Three - Equals
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Equals
IT STILL FELT wrong to enter the tower without his permission.
In the weeks before his arrest she had come and gone as she pleased.
In his absence she had searched his rooms for evidence they could bring to the trial.
Despite that, it still felt taboo to climb the winding stone steps to his sanctuary.
It was possible he would throw her out, but she had to try
She had to know.
From his study she could hear flowing water and continued upwards towards his bedroom.
As she stepped nervously into the room, she could see that the large brass taps were filling the grand stone bath inlaid into the floor.
The scent of lavender filled the air, masking the stench from the discarded clothes that had been left in a heap by the door.
There was movement from beyond the archway towards the bedroom.
She knew she should clear her throat. Knock on the door.
Make some indication that she was there.
However, she remained frozen to the spot as he appeared, his bare feet padding along the stone floor, wearing nothing but his black leather trousers.
Red scars trailed across his expansive pale chest, and down along his muscled abdomen.
Traces of the torture he had endured in the Iron Keep.
Raw crimson bands circled his wrists where the manacles had been, etchings of the runes carved into his skin.
She saw the same red marks around his ankles.
Her eyes travelled over him, marking every cut, bruise and scar across his body.
Even when they had been here last, he had never removed his shirt.
As she looked at it now, she imagined herself running her fingers over each line, smoothing them out, feeling his cold skin mend under her touch.
“Rosamund,” she could hear the tremor in his voice, “what, what are you doing here?”
Somehow, she tore her eyes away from his chest to look him in the eye, “I came to see you.”
“I had thought you would spend time with your brother,” he said and with regret she saw the mask fall back into place.
The heat that had filled the air, chilled.
“I wanted to finish our discussion.”
“What else is there to discuss?” he crossed to the half full bath, “you used my trial as a distraction to save your brother. Clever. Though you left that out of your letter.”
She crossed to the other side of the bath, keeping her eyes on him, approaching cautiously, “I couldn’t risk anyone else finding out. I needed them to think that…any rescue attempt would be for you.”
He nodded, crouching down to dip his hand into the water, “so, you used me. Again.”
She forced herself not to flinch, not to show how his words wounded her, “yes.”
His hand lifted slowly from the water, and he stood up, his eyes rising to meet hers, “why? Why make me believe you cared? Everything else I could understand. Stealing the plans, saving your brother, but why did you have to lie to me? Why did you have to make me believe that you could ever grow to care for me? To…love me?”
“Because I do!”
The words had burst forth from her. She was done concealing them. Done lying to herself. And to him.
“It wasn’t a lie. When I came to you that night, yes, I was there for the plans but, everything else…
that was real. And yes, I used your trial as a distraction, but Dorian I risked all of it, even Roland’s life, to save you.
I could have done it without you; it would have been safer to do it without proving your innocence.
But I needed to save you too. Not just for The Veil, but for me. Because I need you. I love you.”
Her chest rose and fell rapidly as her blood sung with the exhilaration of her confession. Despite everything, she found that she was smiling. She looked at him and she saw the disbelief in his eyes. Saw the suspicion.
“I love you,” she repeated, and when he shook his head disbelievingly, she continued, “You pretend that you’re this monster but that’s not who you are.
I see that now. You spend every day, every night fighting against what people believe of you.
Fighting not to become who they want you to be.
And I want to help you; I don’t want you to fight them alone.
I want to stand by your side as you’ve stood by mine and fight with you.
Because you are not like them. You are so much more than any of them.
You are kind, you are brilliant. You make me feel safe, you make me feel seen.
You are not a monster. You are not the Prince of Death, because I was dead before I met you, and you brought me back to life. ”
Exhausted, she fell silent, gasping for breath as she brought her confession to an end. His eyes had never left her. The more he searched the more pained he looked.
“If…if that is true,” he said quietly, “Why didn’t you trust me?”
She heard the pain in his words and wanted to close the gap between them, to wrap him in her arms, to kiss away that pain in his eyes. She stepped closer to the edge of the stone bath, but no further.
“I…I couldn’t ask you to betray your family,” she said, the pain in her eyes, “I know that your relationship with them is complicated. But…I could not ask you to choose them over me.”
To her surprise Dorian let out a frustrated laugh, a bitter smile on his face as he looked up at the ceiling.
“My family,” he said quietly.
“I…I know what it is to lose family. And as difficult as things are I can see that in some small way you care for them. Aurelian, Isolde, Elswyth…even Osric and Marianne. And…I know what it is to lose a mother. A father-”
“Father?” She watched as his face contorted in disgust and rage, “You think I would have chosen him?”
“Isn’t that why you agreed to this,” she gestured between them, “to please him?”
“I agreed to this to protect the daughter of Roderic Valehart. The man that was more of a father to me than the man that has shown me nothing but disdain since I was born. The man that had my mother killed.”
The statue in the centre of the square. A woman like her.
A woman with magic. She had known that she had died, but she had never thought that it would have been at the hands of the King.
He had wanted to protect her. Any daughter of Roderic Valehart.
If she had not taken Evelyne’s place, would she be standing here now in his room?
Would she have made the same mistakes that Rosamund had?
Would she have seen this frightened boy behind the mask of a monster?
Her mind raced with the possibilities, comparing herself to the sister she had not seen in months, had not heard from. Was she even still alive…
She could feel herself falling down a spiral and yanked herself back. She was here now. With him. And he needed her.
“He, he killed her?”
“They say he poisoned his first wife Alyssanne. That he drove Vivienne to a madness that made her take her own life. He had my mother executed. Quietly. Where only the family could see,” he said, pausing in his pacing, his hands clenched as he looked at the ground, “for heresy, for being a witch,” he looked to her, “for treason. For supporting your father.”
She wanted to cross to him and unwind those hands. Take them gently in her own. Take some of that pain from him. She dared not cross the water. Not until she was certain he wouldn’t run.
“He murdered her. And he made me witness it. He made me…” he covered his face with his hands, rubbing it furiously before he pulled them away, his eyes red, tears on his cheek, “I made a promise that day that I would do everything in my power to bring him down. As my mother wished, as your father did. I would work every day, every night to ruin him. And my brothers…they’re exactly like him.
I try, and I try and still they do things like this,” he held up his ruined wrists, “the trial, Elswyth,” his voice caught, “they are just like him. And there’s nothing I can do. ”
His words echoed as they stared at each other from across the pool. She took a step, intending to cross the pool towards him. He held up a hand and she halted. The bottom of her dress floated on the water, growing heavier as she stood there.
“You have been through so much,” she said softly, “And you’ve had to face so much of it on your own.
I…I can’t begin to understand that. Without my family, without Evelyne, my aunts, the family I have found here…
I would not have survived. But you do not need to shoulder this alone any longer.
I know that you have had little reason to trust me.
Even less now, but you do not have to do any of this alone.
There are good people around you; Wulf, Corvin, the people of the Veil. Me.”
She watched as he took a step forward towards her, the rage leaving him, replaced with an uncertain look as he regarded her.
His barefoot broke the surface of the water as he too stepped onto the first stone step into the pool.
If she reached out with her power, she could feel him through the water. It felt different somehow. Muted.
“Whatever reason you had for bringing me here, whatever reasons I had for staying, I am here now, and I have no intention of leaving your side. Unless you command me to leave.”
He stood opposite her and inwardly she begged him to move towards her. She had removed that last barrier of dishonesty between them. She had accepted him, the frightened boy, the monster, all of him. Could he accept her? A liar, a traitor?
“I don’t want you to go,” he admitted quietly and lifted his eyes to meet hers.
Relief coursed through her. It would be enough. Her heart ached for more, but this would be enough. If this was all she would have then it would be enough. To her surprise, he took another step towards her.