Chapter 24
Reign
By the time I get to my room, I’m fighting the oncoming panic attack crawling its way to the surface. It gets harder and harder to breathe as I play back everything Ryder said. When I close the door behind me, my knees give out and I collapse into it.
Damien is going to die.
I’ve been so mad at him, blaming him for everything that happened to me. I’ve been taking out my anger on him and Ryder, but the truth is they don’t deserve it. They’re just as much a pawn in the king’s game as I am.
Now, Damien is going to die and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Even with Ryder’s plan to bring him back, there’s a million ways this could go wrong.
I hate that it’s come to this. That once again King Cimmerian has come out on top.
I should’ve believed in Damien. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst. Slader tried to warn me there was more to the story and that he had his reasons.
I just didn’t want to listen and now it’s too late.
My head spins from lack of oxygen, but I can’t seem to catch my breath. It feels like there’s a boulder sitting on top of my chest.
Slow, deep breaths. In and out.
I hear Amaya’s calming voice in my head. Candle. Mirror. Book. Dresser. Bed. Slowly my breaths begin to steady. It’s a trick Amaya taught me when I would start to panic back when we lived in Avelion. Naming five things I see around me allows me to refocus my attention.
Once I feel like I’ve gotten control again, I get up and crawl into my bed.
I throw the silk covers over my head as if it will somehow block out all of the negative thoughts swarming my mind.
What am I supposed to even say to him tomorrow?
Slader just started repairing his memories.
As it stands now Damien doesn’t feel any kind of way about me.
In fact, he might even hate me. I’m not sure just how twisted his memories of me are.
Even if I do say goodbye to him tomorrow, it won’t be the Damien I fell for.
It will be the version of him that the king created.
And although my memories of us weren’t tampered with, they might as well have been.
I can’t tell what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
Slader had told me that after we had our first kiss, he started to fall for me, but what about after that?
What kind of person could put on an act like that?
How could he be intimate with me one moment and turn around and betray me the next?
Even with the binding curse, there’s no excuse for all of the times he confessed his feelings or shared a bed with me. That, he did all on his own.
I toss the covers back, giving up. The only thing that can silence my thoughts now is my fire. I’m sure there are rooms somewhere that would contain my power, but I don’t want to be contained. I want to be free.
The tunnel I come out of this time is far enough from Grimstone that I can barely see the castle’s highest point.
Despite the Shadow Land’s bleak atmosphere, there’s something slightly comforting about it.
The air is still, and the lack of color almost makes me feel like I’m in some sort of dream world, which is a welcomed escape.
Being that the valley already looks as though it’s been set ablaze, this seems like the perfect place to let my fire rage.
The ground is covered in an ash-like dirt and there’s nothing out here that would be able to catch fire.
All that remains are scattered bones and sharp, jagged mountains.
It’s just me and the dead out here. Though, I suppose I qualify as that, too.
I close my eyes, allowing myself to feel the emotions that have been battling inside of me.
Anger, regret, sorrow, and confusion come rushing to the surface, pulling my power with them.
It’s as if my flames are my heart’s tears.
They pour out of me as a way of release.
I don’t have to open my eyes to know they’re flailing all around.
They’re as much a part of me as each of my limbs.
I’m just beginning to settle into the feeling when something feels foreign. The strange feeling has me opening my eyes and turning around to see what it is. But as I move, so do they.
My wings.
They flare out and I fall back from the force.
“That was graceful.”
I let out an exaggerated grunt as I pick myself up off the ground and wipe the charcoal dirt off my hands.
“You know, I came out here to get away from everyone,” I say as I turn around to face him.
“And how’s that working out for you?”
The smug look on Ryder’s face is infuriating and my power reacts to it. A second later, I’m back on the ground.
“Stop doing that!” I yell to the fiery wings that have now embarrassed me twice. “Don’t look at me like that,” I snap at Ryder who is all but laughing at me.
He throws his hands into the air and rocks back on his heel. “Hey, who am I to get in between a phoenix and her wings.”
I don’t bother standing up this time. Instead, I lean back on my palms accepting defeat. “What are you doing here?”
“Someone reported unusual activity out here and I came to take a look.”
“Well, as you can see it’s just me. So, you can go now.”
“Alright. I’ll go if you want me to. Just thought you might want some help controlling those wings of yours, but it seems you’ve got it handled.” He turns around, slowly strolling away and I already hate how much he’s going to enjoy this.
“Stop,” I exhale dramatically. Although I would like nothing more than to be stubborn and let him walk away, I can’t deny he’s the best teacher I’ve had.
If there wasn’t a war brewing, I might let him carry on but if I’m going to be of any use the next attack, I need to learn how to control these things.
I reluctantly pick myself up off the ground. “Well… what do I do?”
He turns around and no part of him even tries to hide the cocky grin taking up half his face. As if that wasn’t boastful enough, he flares his fae wings out, shaking them as if to flaunt them.
“Mine are bigger,” I say with a smirk of my own.
“Oh, you think so?”
He flares them out again, but this time, shadows extend from them, creating a veil behind him.
“That’s cheating!”
“Whatever you gotta tell yourself, Princess.” He adds a wink and when he does, I go sliding back on my heels. “Whoa there.”
His ribbons of shadow stretch around me, keeping me from falling backwards. If the flames from my wings burn him, he doesn’t show any sign of it. Instead, he waits until I’m steady again before pulling them back.
“Sensitive little things,” he teases.
“Can you just tell me what to do before I end up on my ass again?”
“Alright, alright. I’ll be serious.” The smile still plastered on his face makes that hard to believe. “Okay, for starters, your wings are like a second pair of legs. Before you could run, you had to learn how to walk. And before you could walk, you had to crawl. It’s the same with your wings.”
“Okay…” I say, trying to follow his explanation. “So, what’s the wing equivalent of crawling?”
“Right now, they’re just getting used to the feeling of moving around. There’s no rhyme or reason to their movements. They’re just reacting to your emotions.”
“That sounds familiar,” I quip.
“It should. Just like your power is tied to your emotions, so are your wings. The first thing you need to do is connect with them. They should feel like an extra pair of legs or an extension of your arms. I want you to imagine an invisible string linking your wings to your wrists. Try moving your arms in front of you and think about that invisible string pulling your wings forward, too.”
I follow his directions and carefully bring my arms out in front of me.
I keep them straight and envision the string.
In my mind, I see a string attached to a doorknob and picture myself pulling it to shut the door.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of my fiery, bird-like wings slightly curving around me.
“Good job. Now, I want you to stretch your arms up into a V,” Ryder instructs.
“It should feel like stretching first thing in the morning when your whole body shakes out the night’s slumber.
” I can’t see them behind me, but I can feel my wings shimmy as they flare out, following my arms’ movement.
“See, you’re getting the hang of it. Keep working at it until it feels natural.
It’s just like in your Entity Drills when you had to master your Elemental Sphere first. Once you get this part down, we can work on the walking. ”
To my surprise, Ryder turns around and starts walking away, leaving me to continue practicing on my own. He doesn’t even make some snarky comment on his way out. I suppose that’s my fault, though. We haven’t had the most pleasant interactions as of late.
“I understand,” I call out before he gets too far away, and I lose my nerve. He turns around but keeps the large gap between us. “I understand why you couldn’t tell me about my father. About the promise.”
“Trust me, I wanted to tell you. I would’ve if there was any other way, but after you knew about Damien and where I stood in all of this, I didn’t want to take that hope away from you.
And selfishly, I didn’t want to give you another reason not to trust me.
Though, that didn’t work out so well for me either. ”
I can tell he’s sincere in what he’s saying.
He could’ve at least told me back at the safe house after I knew everything else, but he let me continue to believe my father might still have been alive.
But what would telling me back then have really changed?
It wouldn’t have changed the truth and I wouldn’t have had Amaya there to comfort me.
“I’ve been angry for so long,” I admit. “I’ve been blaming you and Damien, but you’re just as much victims in all of this as anyone else.” He flinches at my mention of the word victim. I’m sure it’s a label he loathes.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the lies and the secrets.”
“And I’m sorry for unleashing the anger I have towards your father onto you. You didn’t deserve it.”
Both of us seem to let out a deep sigh like we had been holding our breath ever since that conversation in the war room.
I don’t want to fight him, or Damien for that matter.
Everything got so screwed up, but the only person deserving of the blame is King Cimmerian.
My only priority now is making sure he dies because of it.