Chapter 37
Ryder
It feels like I’ve been punched in the gut when I see her standing in his room. A moment ago, I expected Damien to be the one answering the door, but instead it was Reign who swung open the door.
“Ryder!” She’s looking at me with wide eyes as her face begins to flush. “I was just—"
“Sorry to interrupt,” is all I say before vanishing without having the conversation I had come there to have.
When I land in the middle of the Dead Lands, they welcome me with open arms. Much like the Shadow Lands, there’s an eeriness to them that I find comforting.
Where the Shadow Lands are a dark, ashy color, the Dead Lands are covered in molten, black rock left from the Baltic Volcano.
Narrow streams of thick, glowing lava run through the earth, separating the spike-like hills and mountains surrounding the unstable volcano.
Here, there’s no sign of life other than the sizzling breaths of bubbling magma.
Just like the volcano, I feel the unrelenting need to erupt after seeing her standing there with a wild mess of hair, wearing his shirt.
I release the hold on my shadows, letting them lash around me as the image replays in my mind.
Running lava bursts with my power as a sickening feeling settles in my stomach.
I shouldn’t care. I know I shouldn’t, but it feels like a fist is wrapped around my heart, squeezing it as black blood gushes out. I knew this was going to happen. I knew they would find their way back to each other. It was only a matter of time.
Really, I should be happy for her. Unlike me, he’s good for her. He’s the better guy, and he makes her happy.
Isn’t that what I want for her? To be happy and free?
It’s not like she could ever have that with me. Not with my father still alive and certainly not with the curse. Even without those things, she would still be better off with Damien. He’s pure and good. The kind of good I’ll never be.
If she truly knew all of the things I have done, how many lives I have taken, how many threats I have followed through with…
she would never look at me the same. I know just how disgusted she was after seeing me kill those three students in the Quad last year and that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.
If she knew the darkest parts of me, she would probably plunge a dagger right through my heart herself.
A life without love is what I deserve.
I accepted my cursed fate long ago. But that was before I met her.
Suddenly, it’s like I’m being suffocated by the never-ending desire to be close to her. At this point, it’s bordering on obsession. Her lavender scent, the ghost of her smile, the melody of her laughs, haunt me day and night. I can’t escape her and yet I don’t want to. A true masochist.
My shadows begin to settle, crawling around me.
I could do it. I could love her from a distance. I could be her friend and nothing more if it meant getting to stay in her life. It would be pure torture, but I would grow to love it. That, I could do.
But watching her love him?
That’s a form of torture that will send me into complete madness.
Maybe I could wait it out. I’ll live far longer than him and she’s immortal.
The thought sends a shockwave through my system, filling me with dangerous hope. Waiting for his end would be excruciatingly slow and painful, but I would do it. I would wait for her if that’s what it took.
Again, my shadows flare, cutting through the hot air.
No. Not even then.
The curse would never allow for us to truly be together. If by some miracle she chose to love me back, accepting my broken soul—love without a physical connection is not something I would wish on her. Her love is too valuable to waste. And when it comes to her, I can’t be selfish.
As I accept the truth of my fate, the last of my restraint evaporates.
Streams of lava explode around me, sending glowing red specks into the sky.
The razor-sharp hills closest to me quake for a moment before shattering like broken glass.
I breathe in the power that I often keep checked and exhale, releasing the deadly magic that has taken so many lives.
Pure blackness spreads across the lands, claiming them as my own.
There’s nothing I can do but accept the infinite amount of pain I must now endure. Maybe in another life things could’ve been different. But in this one, watching her love another is my penance.
“You’ll be happy to know he’s left for the realms.”
Artemus is staring at me like he’s trying to get a read on me, and I can’t say I blame him for it.
I haven’t exactly been the best company the past two days.
I’m not sure if he knows about Damien and Reign’s rekindling, but seeing as how he appears to be a bit apprehensive around me, I assume he at least has his suspicions.
When I don’t say anything, he proceeds to ask, “When do you leave?”
“In a few hours.”
“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it.”
I’m thankful he doesn’t push for more. The last thing I want to do is think about Damien, let alone talk about him.
He made his decision, and he’s gone. That’s good enough for me.
Besides, I have enough on my plate with Reign’s impulse to visit the Oracle again.
We may have the location of the portal this time, but there’s no telling if it will work.
Even if it does, she’s not guaranteed answers.
The Oracle is a self-serving trickster. Whatever information she seeks won’t come cheap and I have a strong feeling the Oracle will use her desperation against her.
That’s a problem for later, though. Right now, Amaya is waiting for me.
“You’re late,” she lectures a moment later when I appear on the black mat, armed with a longsword.
“You’re the one who wanted my help. That means you’re on my time.”
“What’s got your panties in a bunch?”
“Excuse me?”
“Ohh, that’s right. You caught our girl doing the walk of shame.” With one quick motion, I send her sword flying out of her hand and across the mat. “Jeez,” she whines, waving her hands at me. “Sorry I mentioned it.”
“No, you’re not.”
She walks over and picks up her sword. “You’re right. I’m not.” Her long braids whip around to her back when she turns to face me. “You should know I’m on your side, though.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I’m rooting for you. Sure, Damien is great and all, but I notice how she is with you.” She’s piqued my interest and I hate that I feel the need to follow up.
“And how’s that?”
“She’s herself and yet more. You challenge her when she needs it and you’re there for her when she needs it.
” She moves the tip of her blade in light circles on the mat.
“She told me about your time together in Cyron. How you trained her. How you gave her the book to decode her father’s letter.
How you took her to the Dread Woods and asked for nothing in return. ”
I scoff at her attempt to compliment me. “Those things were nothing.”
“To you maybe. But to her they were everything.”
“You’re gonna make me blush,” I say sarcastically.
She throws her head back, letting out an exaggerated sigh. “I’m being serious. You were there for her when I couldn’t be. That goes a long way with me.”
“So, that’s what all this is about. You think you owe me?”
“What? No! That’s not what this is,” she bites back.
“Oh, yeah? Then why are you telling me all of this?”
She crosses the space between us, stopping in front of me.
“Because there is a war coming and there’s a very real possibility that I may not be here after it’s all said and done.
But she will be. Either in this life or her next and I’d feel a hell of a lot better knowing she has you to help her keep living. ”
A mountain-sized pit forms in my stomach.
I know people will die. A lot of people, including those I care about.
But I hadn’t yet thought about the losses she will endure.
How many more deaths can she handle before she’s beyond repair?
Amaya is her world. If she were to lose her, I’m not sure she would ever recover.
“Look,” she continues. “I know it’s not fair to put that on you, but when it comes to her I—”
“I know.”
“Promise me you’ll be there for her.”
“Hey, you’re still here. There’s no need to—”
“Promise me!” she demands, tightening her grip on her sword like she’ll plunge it through me if I don’t.
“I promise. I’ll be there for her. Always.”
“Good. Now, show me how to do that trick with the blade.”
It’s been hours since my conversation with Amaya and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. Her words. The promise. They just keep running on a loop in my mind.
I’ve become so numb to death over the years. It wasn’t until I saw Reign turn to ash that I felt the gut-wrenching pain that comes with such loss.
For years now I have kept my emotions for others locked away.
After my father saw to Elizabeth’s death and my mother and brother were murdered, I vowed to never let myself care for anyone that much again.
Of course, I still care about Artemus and Jace and the others but not in that way.
I’m prepared for them to die. I suppose when you live as long as I do, you grow used to the idea of saying goodbye to people.
But it’s different with Reign. No matter how much I try to keep her on the outside of the cage that conceals my cold heart, she somehow finds a way to slip through the bars.
She’s like a poison taking over my mind and body.
I can only prolong the death she’s sure to bring, but there’s no reversing it.
Her poison has already spread, injecting itself into my veins.
Claiming my heart without even realizing it.
“You ready?”
As if my thoughts have conjured her.
“Yes. Do you have the map?”
She pulls out the letter, turned map, that still has her blood stained on it. “Right here. Do you really think it’ll help?”
“I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.” A long shot actually, but I don’t want her to feel discouraged before we even get to the portal. If there’s a chance the magic between the Oracle and her blood is still active, then it’s worth bringing along.
She wraps her arms around my torso, and it feels uncomfortable. We’ve only seen each other once since our run-in the other morning and I can confidently say that the awkward tension between the two of us is still very much alive and well.
The second we land in front of the portal, she releases her hold on me as if being in contact with me will somehow harm her.
“What now?” she asks, taking a step closer to the glowing ring filled with stars.
“We try this once. If we don’t find the Oracle, we go back.”
She understands that it’s not a suggestion, but an order and she simply nods, accepting my terms. There’s a long pause as we stand side by side, not saying a word. When she decides she’s ready, she reaches out her hand to me. I take it and the both of us step through the gateway of stars.
We should feel our feet instantly hit the ground, but instead we’re falling through an endless galaxy.
I tighten my grip on her hand, but we’re moving too fast and too aimlessly for me to pull her closer.
The attempt to grab her with my shadows fails and panic crawls up my spine when I feel her slipping from me.
As our fingers part, she’s torn away from me. The world around me spins and I can’t see her anywhere.
“REIGN!”
There’s no answer.
A violent tug sends me crashing into what feels like a concrete wall. Every part of my body screams out in pain as my vision goes red. My head pounds against my skull, but I hardly notice it when something comes barreling down on top of me, instantly releasing all of the air from my lungs.
My vision is still fighting to come back along with my breath, but my hands find her face and I don’t need to see to know it’s her. A few long seconds pass and those green eyes come into focus. I’ve broken her fall, but I can tell she’s in a world of pain.
“Let me look at you,” I say, lifting her head in my hands as she lies on top of me. She groans and does her best to look up at me, but there’s a giant gash in her forehead that is dripping blood into her left eye. “I’m going to roll you off of me, okay?”
She nods and does her best to move with me as I roll her onto her back. Whatever pain was radiating through my body a moment ago has now been silenced by my concern for her.
“What happened?” she attempts to say through grunts.
“I don’t know. Just stay still.”
I tear a strip of fabric from my shirt and wrap it around her head to slow the bleeding.
As I’m pulling away, she grabs onto my wrist. I wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t and eventually lets go.
The rest of her seems to be void of any other injuries, but I’d bet my life she has a concussion.
“Can you stand?”
“I think so.” She wraps her arm around my neck, and I help her up.
“Easy. Take your time.” Her face scrunches. “What’s wrong? Do you need to lie back down? Here.” I reach for her other arm, but she bats me away.
“No, it’s—where are we?”
I’ve been so caught up in making sure that she’s okay, I hadn’t taken the time to look around. I scan the area, noting every detail of land before turning back to her.
“I have no idea.”