Chapter 43
brIE
I’m numb as I walk back to Gia’s beneath the streetlights.
It was Tess’s idea to go bowling, part of her self-exploration now that she’s out of her ex’s clutches. I invited Dev and Sawyer because it sounded like fun at the time.
So what was the trigger? The thing that made it suddenly not such a good idea?
Fucking Bob Ross.
This afternoon, I was folding laundry with trashy TV in the background like normal. But then I glanced down. One eye peeked out at me. I yanked the garment out of the pile of clean clothes. Happy little Bobs everywhere.
Acid pooled in my stomach as I recalled Sawyer’s reply when I said Mara gave them to me. Think if I hint hard enough she’ll get some for me next Christmas?
It was so quick and casual, like he didn’t even think about it. Just assumed I’d still be here then. Assumed we’d still be together.
Christmas is seven months away. I’ll have a real job by then, at a different school. In a different town.
I swallow, picturing what that’ll look like.
After I leave, I’ll keep in touch with Mara and Gia like I always have. Dev and I will text on occasion, but hopefully exchange more than memes. I’ll talk to Tess every once in a while. And next Christmas, I’ll FaceTime Lizzie as she opens the presents I send, as usual.
I blink tears away.
Blue Ridge is charming over the holidays. Even as a kid, I recognized the beauty in the holiday lights, decorated houses, the festive cheer.
But this way is better. I’m used to spending the holidays alone. It’s cozy.
It’ll be fine.
Better than fine because of how close I’ve gotten to everyone since coming back home.
Not home. Blue Ridge.
And that’s the crux of the problem. That’s what Sawyer doesn’t get. To him, Blue Ridge has always been, and will always be, home. He doesn’t mind the spotlight that follows wherever he goes. He doesn’t mind when people look his way. But I’m different. I can’t possibly stay here.
Right?
My heart lurches in my chest. Suddenly, the weight of my end-date in this town, the one that’s always been the light at the end of the tunnel, feels like it might be an oncoming train.
Even if I stuck around, even if I continued to ignore the job offers I’ve already gotten from schools hours away—one from two states away—there’s so much Sawyer can’t possibly understand about me. About my past here.
Because you haven’t told him. I physically flinch as that thought enters my brain.
Telling Sawyer about Christopher was a feat for me.
Revealing to Tess what Sawyer did to Squeakers was a breakthrough.
But I could never share with anyone, least of all Sawyer, how unhappy my childhood was, the things I had to keep hidden from the world to ensure Mara’s safety and mine.
I can’t believe he would ever understand, not when he grew up the golden boy—the prince.
Even if he had his trials, they weren’t the same as mine, didn’t threaten broader consequences.
Back then, people averted their eyes, even as the spotlight followed me.
If someone looked close enough, there’s a real chance Mara and I would have been removed from our house. Separated.
Even now, the thought is painful to my bone. I shove it away.
This is why I have to leave. Go to an actual city. Somewhere I can blend into a crowd, knowing no one’s looking my way. Not because they’re avoiding me, but because they simply don’t care. That’s my happy place, and I’m only out of sorts now because I’ve been stuck here for far too long.
I increase my pace.
Gia’s house is less than a mile’s walk, but I’m still surprised how fast I arrive. My steps stutter when I see Mara’s car parked in the driveway—she’d come over for a movie night with Gia and Lizzie. A quick glance at my watch tells me Lizzie’s been asleep for at least half an hour.
I’m suddenly embarrassed at being back so early. Probably, Gia didn’t expect me home at all tonight.
Maybe I could enter through the back? I quickly reject the idea. Gia’s open floor plan wouldn’t give me any cover anyway.
Listen to yourself. I sound like a paranoid lunatic. What’s happening to me? Why am I trying to hide from my sisters now, too?
Determinedly, I march up to the front door and let myself in.
The chatter in the kitchen stops as I step into view.
My sisters are standing on opposite sides of the island.
Mara, taller than I am with soft curves and sweet features, smiles and waves over her glass of wine.
Gia, shorter than me with sharp elbows and a sharper jawline, tilts her head, eyes darting to the clock then back at me.
“Hey, Sis,” Mara says. “How was bowling?”
“It was good,” I say. “I’m going to bed.”
Hurt flashes across my little sister’s features, and it echoes in my entire body. My feet automatically take me to her. Old habits die hard.
“I’ll hang for a bit,” I hear myself say as I sidle up beside her. “What movie did you watch?”
Gia folds her arms, wine glass hanging from one hand. A glint of emerald flashes on the shell of her ear, and I notice it’s inflamed.
“Is that new?”
When our older sister continues to, not exactly glare, but watch me with quiet intensity, Mara cuts in. “Lizzie finally decided she wanted her ears pierced. Gia got one too! Sweet, huh?”
“Yeah, super sweet—”
Gia silences me with one arch of her eyebrow.
This is worse than when my fourth grade teacher sent home a note saying I wasn’t turning in my homework.
My mouth opens, then closes, then opens again. “What?”
She takes a sip of her wine. “You know what.”
A flush crawls up my chest.
Her other eyebrow joins the first.
Instantly, I feel prickles in the back of my nose. “I don’t really know,” I say, voice lilting up. “I just walked out tonight. I just had to get out of there.”
Mara puts her hand on mine, but it’s Gia we’re both looking at.
“What happened before you walked out?” Gia asks.
Hesitating, I shake my head and say, “You know what? It doesn’t matter.” I pull in a deep breath and give them a wan smile. “I think I’m just tired. Lots going on, you know?”
Something changes in Gia’s eyes. They turn piercing, the way I’ve seen her do when a kid under her care steps out of line.
“Oh, shit,” Mara mutters under her breath, and I couldn’t agree more.
It’s a Mom Look, but I’ve never had one directed at me before. Ever. The full force of it has my skin crawling. I turn my head, trying to avoid it, but my eyes stay locked on hers. There’s definite witchcraft happening here.
My chest is too small for my pounding heart, and my limbs turn to jelly. Explaining things with Sawyer would mean opening up about everything.
The thought makes me nauseous. Neither of my sisters knows the half of what really happened all those years ago.
Not with Sawyer, and not what was going on at home.
I’d done everything I could to shield Mara from it, and I’d done everything I could to hide it from Gia, ensure she wouldn’t abandon the life she was building to come take care of us.
Telling them now will only induce guilt. But not telling them means holding on to all these secrets that have been simmering since I got back to Blue Ridge.
I probably already lost Sawyer tonight, I can’t stand to lose my sisters, too.
“Fine,” I cry.
My eyes start to sting with unshed tears. Mara pulls out a stool and guides me onto it before pouring a glass of wine and sliding it toward me.
I start from the beginning. The very beginning. I tell them about Sawyer’s relentless teasing, Squeakers, being taunted during presentations and at lunch, the night he drove me home in the freezing rain, those following few months when my crush blossomed, and prom.
I tell them what it was like at home, Gia’s face growing tenser with every word. Bailing Dad out, trying to keep the bills paid, struggling to keep Mara well-fed. How I could barely keep my head above water with all that and school.
Both my sisters look murderous when I move on to Christopher—the clandestine dates across town, the ensuing scandal at Everett Academy, why I moved here mid-year.
Voice shaky with emotion, I skip over to when Sawyer found me in the parking lot during the blizzard. His confession.
Mara belly laughs when I explain how I freaked out at the drive-in because he asked if she’d get him a matching pair of Bob Ross undies.
“It’s not funny!”
She bites her lip. “Sorry.”
“And tonight,” I say, “Dev and Tess were having such a good time. Sawyer was trying so hard to bring me into the fold. But I just couldn’t stop thinking how I didn’t belong.” Sniffling, I add, “I guess it’s a good thing I’ll be gone in a couple months.”
I’m a sponge, wrung out to the last drop, with nothing left to give.
“Bullshit,” Gia says.
I nearly spit out the sip of wine I just took. It’s the first time she’s spoken since I started talking. Mara interrupted with questions, but Gia just listened.
“This is about more than Sawyer.” Gia sighs and shakes her head.
“I really failed you, didn’t I? I never should’ve left.
At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for all of us, but I was thinking about the money.
I had no idea about this other shit.” Her jaw tenses.
“And now I see you haven’t moved past any of it. ”
Her words pinch. “Yes, I have.” It was hard, but I pushed past the hurt of childhood.
“Clearly,” she says in a flat tone. “Before you came back to Blue Ridge, Mara and I would get some Christmas presents and the occasional phone call. I thought maybe you just didn’t want much to do with us.” My heart fractures, I never meant for them to think that. “But it’s not us. It’s you.”
I make a face. “Isn’t it, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’?”
“I said what I said. Just from the short time you’ve lived with me, I’ve seen you push everyone away. You don’t let people in.”
I don’t know what to say. Gia’s blunt words are razor-sharp.