Chapter Five
Ethan
F uck. I can’t believe how badly I screwed up. I’ve slept with a grand total of three women in over two years and somehow managed to find one who is not only a colleague but a student.
I need to fess up to Jennifer. Immediately. But it doesn’t only affect me. It impacts Sadie—good to have a name for the face that’s been haunting me—as well, and her reaction when we were introduced in the copy room suggested she didn’t want Jennifer to know.
Or maybe she didn’t recognise me? No. I saw the slight widening of her eyes. The pinking of her cheeks. She knew who I was alright.
And that’s not the only problem. There’s my reaction to her.
She’s just as gorgeous as I remember, which puts to rest the line I’ve been selling myself about my imagination.
While I wouldn’t say I’ve been pining for her since we spent that wild night together, it would not be true to say I haven’t thought about her at all. It would also not be true to say I haven’t taken matters into my own hand—as my brother Will would say—while thinking about her.
Let’s just say, when I saw her today, I was glad I was wearing a long, chunky knit sweater. Because things in my boxers were moving of their own accord. Pavlov’s dogs have got nothing on me.
I was relieved she was nowhere to be found when Jennifer and I returned from lunch. Jen pointed me in the direction of my office, introduced me to the IT guy, and left me to get my passwords and systems access sorted while she went off to a heads of department meeting.
By the time the IT guy’s finished, I’ve worked through half a dozen ways of telling Jennifer about how Sadie and I first met, and none of them feel quite right. Particularly given the exchange in the copy room. I’m saved from making a snap decision when I see Jen getting into the lift, satchel in hand. Turning and catching me watching her, she gives a cheerful wave as the doors close. So, at least I have the night to think it over. Unfortunately, there’s a direct correlation between time passing and the awkwardness this conversation will cause.
Although hopefully now I’ll have time to talk to Sadie about it first. I don’t want to take all agency out of her hands and blindside her with whatever I decide. We did the crime together; we need to decide how we do the time together.
As luck would have it, my brother Will is in Sydney tonight and messages me, suggesting we catch up. Our mother is throwing his partner Freyja a baby shower, and he’s been told in no uncertain terms men are not welcome. It’s funny to see him so sulky about it. Maybe I can run my dilemma past him. He loves an excuse to hand out advice.
Two years ago, I would’ve bet a large sum of money against him becoming a father. An even larger sum against him being deliriously happy about it. And an obscene amount against him moving to the country to commune with cows. But something happened to all of us when my wife, Jess, died. And now here we are.
The entire crew is at the yacht club when I arrive. My brothers Will and Ben, our brother-in-law Josh, and our might-as-well-be-a-brother Nick Pierce. Over the years, we’ve all sailed at this club. Not all that long ago, we wouldn’t have dreamt of spending a night out here. It was strictly for a quick meal and a beer after a race. These days, the quiet bar and laid-back atmosphere seem to suit my settled-down brethren better than a noisy pub or club.
“You’re late. Next round’s on you,” Will says as I drag another chair over to the low table they’ve commandeered.
Another sign of the times. They’re drinking a bottle of red. There’s not a bottle of tequila or a shot glass in sight.
I’m topping off everyone’s glass when Ben gives Josh the side eye.
“What’s up with you tonight? I haven’t seen you this fidgety since Will put itching powder in your jocks before the year 10 formal.”
Any thoughts I had of confiding in my brothers, asking their advice, getting their support, vanish with the words that come out of Josh’s mouth.
“No. Nothing. Nothing wrong. I’m fine. Everything’s …” Josh stops, and we all wait. “Greer is pregnant,” he blurts, a grin splitting his face practically in two. There’s a beat of stunned silence. “Shit. You can’t tell her I told you. It’s supposed to be a secret. She said we couldn’t tell. Not until Freyja has the babies. She’ll kill me.” The grin disappears, and his hands come up to cover his face.
Pandemonium breaks out. Ben leaps from his chair and pulls Josh into a tight hug. Nick goes to the bar for champagne. Will turns briefly to me, conflict written all over his face—sadness, regret, sympathy all war with joy—before he’s also hugging Josh. I don’t want Will to feel bad. I don’t want him to remember what I said to him when Jess died. This needs to be a happy time. My little sister and one of my oldest friends are having a baby together. No matter what went on between me and Will, this is cause for celebration.
“Is it too early for cigars?” I ask, getting in on the man-hug action.
“Maybe save those for after the birth,” Ben suggests as we toast.
“To Greer and Josh and baby Markham.” A cheer goes up around the entire club. Most of the members are friends of my father and have known us since we were kids. Seems like everybody overheard.
“Ah, fuck. Now everyone knows. She’s going to be so pissed. She said I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself. I swore I would. But I’m so fucking excited.” Josh bounces in his seat like an eight-year-old hopped up on sugar. The only time I’ve seen him this excited is the day they got married in Italy last Christmas.
“You’ve never been able to keep a secret.” Will shakes his head.
“I have. I’m good with secrets.”
“Even when you don’t tell, we all know. Remember when you first came back from overseas, and you and Greer thought you were being so sneaky?” Ben reminds him.
“That’s right. We were sitting at that table right there.” Nick points to a table on the verandah. “You thought you were so clever. Except for the love bite on your neck.”
“And the fact that you smelt of Greer’s shampoo,” Ben adds.
“And that you hadn’t looked at another woman since you arrived.” Will rolls his eyes dramatically.
Josh looks more and more sheepish as the accusations fly.
“You can’t talk.” Josh angles his freshly poured glass of champagne towards Nick. “Pretending like you thought Lulu was an annoyance. Nobody was buying that either.”
Nick has the good grace to blush, which is an unusual look on him.
I feel a wash of regret. An emotion that’s become as familiar to me in the last couple of years as sadness. The four of them were all here. Together. Living. Laughing. Teasing. Where was I? Probably at the library researching. Or at a conference. Or bashing away at my laptop to get my PhD into shape.
I know where I probably wasn’t. I probably wasn’t with Jess. Holding her hand. Kissing her. Treating her to a lazy lunch in the sun at her favourite café.
I don’t regret being successful. I do regret how much I’ve sacrificed at the altar of my ambition. My relationships with my siblings. Friendships. And most importantly, the happiness of the one person who should’ve come before everyone else. I can’t get that time with Jess back. I can never make my neglect up to her. I’ll have to live with that forever. But I can at least try and repair my relationship with my brothers. My sister. My parents. And maybe, when my time comes to face the afterlife, and my heart is weighed against the feather, I won’t be judged as harshly by the Gods as I will always judge myself.