CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
NOTES FROM THE DARK:
We do not learn; we remember.
Truth lives inside us, waiting to be recalled.
I woke up to Tristan literally biting my ass cheek. His head was buried beneath my shirt, his hands sliding up and down my legs. I grinned into the pillow.
“What are you doing down there?”
“You have the most beautiful ass, Daze,” he said, licking where he’d bitten me. “I can’t help myself. You’re sticking it out at me all fucking day and night—”
“That bite hurt, Tristan.”
He bit me again, this time more gently. “Better?”
I hummed and shut my eyes. He didn’t move from where he was, worshipping the lower half of my body like a man possessed. His hands ran over my skin, back and forth, like he couldn’t get enough of me.
My chest panged from the feeling it gave me. I didn’t want to feel that pang at all, yet I was hungry for the softness of his touch. My lips trembled from emotion at the same time my body broke out in tremors, yearning for more.
It wasn’t long before he rolled me onto my back. His large hands trailed up my abdomen and wrapped around my breasts. He squeezed them needily, and I loved how they fit in his hands.
My breaths quickened when his mouth found my center, and this time there was no gentleness. He sucked at me deeply, starved, like he was trying to savor my very essence. I jolted at the unexpected pleasure bursting through me sharply, wonderfully…painfully.
I lost myself.
I forgot who I was.
My hands gripped his hair. I ground against him, shameless and unable to stop. I had never felt this primitive before. I used his mouth, my teeth clenched as I took control, rolling my hips and loving the bursts of pleasure rushing through me.
I came hard, my gasps loud and my screams silent. There was a buzz in my ears as all other noise fell away.
I’d hardly caught my breath when Tristan climbed over me, settling above me with a delighted look in his vivid blue eyes.
“I liked that, Daze,” he said. “Very much.”
I grinned stupidly, even though my eyes ached. “I liked it, too.”
“You took control.”
“I was a little too eager.”
He kissed the corner of my mouth. “No such thing.”
I felt his cock brush against me. I spread for him and raised my hips, encouraging him to take me.
He kissed me instead.
Slowly, his tongue brushed against mine. I loved the taste of him. I moaned into his mouth, unable to stop myself.
Tristan was a passionate kisser. He didn’t just fuck me after a few swift kisses. He spent more time working me slowly, nibbling at my mouth and sucking at my tongue until I was panting between kisses, my fingers digging into his hard back.
“You have a lot of willpower,” I whispered as I wrapped a hand around his impossibly hard length.
He chuckled against my mouth. “I’m good with restraint, but…I’m not so good with you, Daze.”
I pumped him, watching closely as his eyes fluttered shut and he let out a hard breath.
“You can let go. You don’t have to be so soft with me, Tristan.”
His forehead pressed against mine as another groan left him. “I know… But something tells me you need it.”
My hand paused around him. I studied him closely, but his mouth was back on mine before I could respond. He kissed me deeply and took my hand, removing it from his length. He placed it on his ass, and I let out a surprised laugh.
He grinned. “Love that sound.”
He finally pulled back until he was on his knees, looking down at me with his messy hair falling over his forehead. He spread my legs wider and pulled my shirt up to my neck. His eyes were heavy as he stroked himself lazily.
I watched from beneath him, my mouth parted but hardly any breath coming in or out. He wasn’t just a big guy. His presence filled the space, inescapable and potent.
I watched him pump himself slowly, and even with a hand that big, his length looked intimidating. My body felt hollow and almost afraid to accept him.
When I looked back up, he was already staring at me with a mischievous grin.
“We already established it can fit, Daze.”
I smiled back. “Remind me.”
His grin faded as he released his cock. His hands ran up my legs. He felt at my center and let out a groan.
“I love how wet you are, Daze.”
I raised my hips, eager for him to fuck me. He rubbed his tip against my folds, teasing around my entrance. He brushed along my clit, and I squirmed, pent up and crazed.
“Tristan…”
“Be patient, Daze.”
“I’ve been patient.”
“A little bit longer.”
He cupped my breasts and squeezed gently. I loved watching him explore my body with hungry eyes. It startled me how excited he became. His cock was impossibly hard, his expression clouded as he slowly sheathed himself with the condom.
I almost begged him to leave it off.
This visceral need to have him bare inside me kept growing, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
Tristan’s desire for me looked painful, and whenever he touched me, I felt the tremble beneath his fingers. He was holding back, and it was hurting him, too.
Yet the anticipation he drew out only heightened the pleasure. Every touch felt more sensitive. Every brush of his fingertips along my nipples and clit made me cry out from the wave of pleasure it evoked.
Finally, he dropped down over me, his chest pressed against mine. He kissed me, and there was more hunger in it.
I felt his length at my center and greedily grabbed at his ass, squeezing his muscled flesh and trying to urge him closer. The tip of his cock dipped into me, and I nearly came from the sensation.
His mouth opened, and now we were hardly kissing, exchanging breaths instead as he continued to ease into me slowly. He was so big, and I felt so tight, and there was nothing—nothing at all—that compared to this sort of pleasure.
My fingers dug deeper into his ass as he continued to enter me, filling me one inch at a time. Then he stilled, allowing my body to adjust to his length and width.
I hardly breathed.
I felt full, my clit throbbing and swollen for him.
“How are you doing?” he whispered, kissing the corner of my mouth.
I moaned. “Like I’m coming apart.”
“Doesn’t it feel good?”
I bit his bottom lip gently. “In a painful kind of way.”
He moved then, fucking me slowly, and I gasped as he filled me again.
“Daze, meeting you feels like I’ve woken up from a bad dream.”
I nodded at his words, feeling the same way, but I couldn’t vocalize it when I was on the cusp of exploding. I gripped his ass as hard as I could, feeling the pleasure mount every time he rubbed against my clit.
“Tristan,” I whispered. “Tristan…”
He groaned. “I know, Daze…”
I was going to come, and it was going to be powerful. My body trembled, and he was so gentle. I wanted to breathe, but even if I managed it, Tristan would steal the breath from me another way.
He watched me closely, and even as he approached the crest of his own pleasure, he grinned at me, whispering how beautiful I looked.
An orgasm tore through me suddenly. I shook and cried through it as he kissed me, whispering things that prolonged the pleasure.
Just before he came, his words cut through me like a knife as he admitted in a ragged whisper, “Daze, I think you’ve ruined me.”
We had a quick breakfast. Tristan wanted to get out of the backroads and into the nearest town for a supply run. We were running low on food, and I blamed myself for it. He wouldn’t have been running so low if I weren’t eating half of everything.
He checked the map only once before we left, and it was refreshing to see him use it. These days, it was cell phones and GPS directing the way. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it without the extra help.
I held the map open on my lap, trying to contain a grin.
“What?” he asked, catching the amused look on my face.
“I feel like a pirate with an old map on my lap,” I said. “This is so old-school.”
He chuckled. “The world feels bigger this way.”
I nodded. “It really does.”
Within the hour, we were approaching the nearest town. The sign said the population was thirty thousand and counting, so it would have everything we needed.
We pulled up in front of a grocery store, and Tristan unearthed his reusable shopping bags. We went inside, catching the eyes of several people, and I wondered what they saw.
We must have looked like hippies, and it didn’t bother me. Not at all.
Tristan wore a loose, plain shirt and board shorts. His sandals were worn, and his hair was wild and free. His skin had darkened beneath the blond hair on his arms. His eyes stood out against his tan, reminding me of opals whenever they caught the light.
Where he looked good, I must have looked utterly ridiculous.
Because both my dresses needed washing, I wore one pair of his shorts, the drawstring pulled so tightly that they bunched around my waist. They were still so baggy that I had to roll them down at the top, and they reached well below my knees.
I wore one of his plain shirts, but I had tied it in a knot so it ended at my waist. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d worn a crop top.
Actually, never.
For years, my wardrobe had been conservative and classy.
My hair was down, and while it was combed, it was still wild. I hadn’t used a straightener or hair dryer since leaving my life, and there were no hair products in that camper. Tristan had a men’s two-in-one shampoo and conditioner, so I smelled a lot like him.
I even used his razor, though he didn’t appear to care at all if I was prickly.
Tristan loaded up the shopping cart until it looked like it was about to burst. It was going to be expensive, and I felt the first prickle of panic.
Tristan was a wild man. He could have survived on a quarter of the food in that cart for weeks. Instead, he was loading up on everything he could think of, much of it expensive, girly products.
“Tristan,” I said. “Please stop. You don’t need this stuff. Don’t get it because of me—”
“My lifestyle choice doesn’t mean I have to go without,” he cut in, staring down at me with a half smile.
“I live the same as everyone else, Daze, except I’m on wheels.
I’m grabbing shit I know you need, and it would be helpful if you took over because I haven’t the faintest fucking clue what sort of tampons you’ll need when the time comes, all right? ”
I laughed nervously, lowering my voice so the passing shoppers wouldn’t hear. “This stuff is expensive, Tristan.”
He shrugged. “So?”
“So…”
I didn’t want to say it, but I was aware of how little Tristan appeared to have, given his lifestyle choices.
He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. Looking down at me, he murmured, “I noticed a couple of decent-sized pubs with great patio space. I’ll busk this evening.”
I hesitated, but I didn’t want to push him. I simply gave a stiff nod and picked out the essentials I needed.
My heart dipped as we went through the checkout. I studied Tristan’s face as the total flashed on the screen and the cashier read it aloud. I didn’t stop looking as he glanced at the number and pulled out his wallet.
I watched his demeanor, trying to detect whether he had stiffened or grown upset, but he seemed relaxed. When he glanced my way after handing over the cash, he smiled, and it reached his eyes.
I hardly smiled back, too busy clenching my hands tightly to keep the tremors out.
We loaded the groceries into the camper. Tristan whistled under his breath, and no one who was pissed would whistle, right?
I felt my body relax at the sound.
I slid into my seat and watched him return the cart. He climbed in beside me and started the van, humming a tune now.
“Thanks for getting all that stuff,” I found myself saying, though it came out hardly above a whisper.
Tristan glanced at me, his lips curving. “It’s my pleasure, Daze.”
“I want to repay you.”
“Don’t worry about it—”
“Please.”
He stared deeply at me as the plea left my mouth sounding desperate.
“Daze,” he said gently.
That was all.
Just Daze as he watched me.
I didn’t know I was panting until my chest began to hurt. I looked away from him, my panic swelling like a balloon.
“It’s not right,” I whispered, more to myself than to him.
“I should be able to pay you back, and I can if…if we just stop somewhere for a while, you know? I saw a few Now Hiring signs on the way into town. One might pay cash, and then I can work for a week or two and give you back what you’ve spent on me already, because this doesn’t feel right, Tristan.
To just keep coasting with you like this.
I’m not trying to take advantage of you. ”
When I finished, I braved a look his way.
He was staring down at the steering wheel, a lost look in his eyes and a frown I had never seen on him before. I waited for his response, and every second felt like agony because I didn’t know what he was about to say.
I braced myself as he finally opened his mouth and ran his tongue along his bottom lip, thinking.
“Daze, I don’t want you working just to pay me back. I bought you some stuff. I don’t expect anything in return. Not even a fucking thank you. I just wanted you to feel good and spoiled, not like being here with me somehow devalues you.”
My eyes blurred, and I shook my head, saying nothing because I was too choked up.
Devaluing myself by being here with him?
Was he crazy?
I wanted to smack my head for opening my mouth because now he was quiet and even looked sad, and I wanted the happy Tristan.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Now he gaped at me, confused. “What the fuck for, baby?”
“For dealing with my crazy.” I tapped my head. “I have problems, don’t I?”
He searched my eyes. “Daze, I got you some hygiene shit so you don’t feel like you’re slumming it with me, all right? And goddamn it, sweetness, I can afford it just fine, so relax.”
I gave a stiff nod. “Okay.”
He watched me for a few more moments, and I closed my eyes.
“I didn’t mean to make this awkward.”
“It’s more that I planned to do a lot more than just get you toiletries, Daze.” He let out a soft laugh, and I felt the tension ease with it. “You have to promise me you’ll try not to wig out, all right?”
I simply nodded.
A few moments of silence passed before I felt the gentle brush of his fingers along my skin. He leaned closer and planted a kiss against the side of my head.
“Promise me, Daze.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I promise I won’t wig out.”
“No matter what, we try to keep our promises, right?”
I nodded again. “Yes.”
He took my hand and pressed a kiss to the inside of my palm. I opened my eyes and looked down at our entwined fingers.
Another wave of tears formed as the grief of my former life slammed into me.
I counted ten tiny breaths and pushed the memories away for now.
A minute later, we were back on the road.