48. Chloe
forty-eight
Ilet myself into Justin’s apartment and give Moose a quick scratch between the ears. He looks at me sadly and plops down with a grunt, reading my mood.
The sliding door to the rooftop is open, music from The Green seeping through. I step out.
Justin turns around, his hair bathed in a halo of light, his tan deeper, it seems, his face stern, and worried.
My eyes sting.
It’s an unbearable hurt, this needing to leave, through no fault of his own, the beautiful man who now stands in front of me.
It’s all because of me—me and my demons.
I can’t share him. I can’t live in the uncertainty of his feelings, even if he does seem genuine to me. For now.
I fear I’ll never know the truth. Recent events have shown I’m not a good judge of character.
I need to do this, for my own good.
We don’t say anything. We just look at each other for too long moments, as if we’re both afraid of what must come now.
He doesn’t try to kiss me. He looks at me with concern and care. Then he takes my hand.
He’s going to break up with me.
I know it.
It’s what needs to happen.
It doesn’t make the pain any less, but it comforts me.
This is what we need to do. Two mature adults, doing what’s right.
God it hurts. Why does doing the right thing need to hurt so much?
Justin guides me to the railing overlooking The Green, leans on it, his arm loosely around my back, just so I’ll stay here and listen to him, it seems.
“This used to be my favorite spot. My favorite time of day,” he says in a deep, gravelly voice. The sun has dipped, bathing Emerald Creek in a glow of peace and quiet. “The witching hour. Me standing here, looking down at The Green, at my friends, my community. My world.”
The light is truly magical tonight. There’s a live band playing covers. The townspeople, many of them my friends as well, are sitting on blankets or swaying to the music, clapping and singing along.
I’ll miss them too.
“But my world is different now. It’s bigger and wider.”
My heart dips. Although I know what he’s going to say—a child on the way, a family to build—although I’ve talked myself into being reasonable, I’m barely able to stand on my legs while my world falls apart.
“I want to show you how different it is,” he adds.
Oh no. God, can this please end now? “I don’t think—I can’t. Please.” I steady myself on the railing, bracing myself to walk out of his life.
He takes my hand again. “Clover. Come with me.” And the way he says it, the way he says Clover, I would follow him anywhere, let him do anything to me, go through hell and back.
And that scares the shit out of me. That I could have a love this strong that just a few words from him and all my resolve goes up in smoke, consumed by the crazy love I’ve had for him since our first kiss in an elevator.
Moose following us, Justin takes me to his truck, drives us out of Emerald Creek through North Bridge, over hill after hill bathed in deep golden hues. We pass the turn for his parents’ farm, continue through meadows, over brooks, past old barns still standing. At the bottom of a hill, a wooden sign indicates ‘The Queen’s Knoll’, and Justin says, “We’re here,” but he keeps driving steeply up the hill, on a narrowing dirt road meandering under a canopy of trees, darkness slowly shrouding us.
The dirt path ends, and we stop at the edge of the woods. We’ve been climbing so much, my ears pop. Justin shuts the engine off and steps out of the truck. He quickly rounds it to open my door and lifts me off the seat as if I weighed nothing. My hands find their natural place on his shoulders, and our eyes lock as he twirls me and sets me on the soft grass, the sweet smell of summer soothing me like a slow poison.
God I’m going to miss him.
His throat bobs as he takes my hand and walks me to the very top of the hill. Moose suddenly takes off to follow some animal trail.
“Justin, what—”
“I showed you my world the way it used to be. The way I used to love it.” His hand is firmly clasped around mine, his energy soft yet resolute as he pulls me up on the last of the dirt path. “But things change. People change.”
My heart bleeds for him too. He doesn’t deserve this.
We reach the top of the hill, our silence filled by the trills and hoots and chirps and buzzing of a million insects and small animals. The woods are far behind us now, the sunlit sky blazing crimson, the earth beneath it golden. In front of us, a vast open field spreads out, with views as far as the eye can see—faraway mountains in shades of grays and blues, the silver sky shining its pure openness over us.
As I take this beauty all in, Justin shifts behind me and sets his hands on my shoulders. “This is my queen’s knoll.”
I saw the sign at the bottom. It said The Queen’s Knoll. I’m still confused as to why we’re here. “It’s beautiful. So peaceful.”
He nudges me ahead with a soft press of his hands. Within the high grasses and wild flowers, a path leads to lights softly flickering in the distance. In the quickly setting sun, they shine brighter and brighter as we approach, defining the shape of a house floating way above the ground. I stop in my tracks. “What—?”
“I want to give you the world, Clover. My world. A better, bigger, wider, world. One where you are at the center. One where you never feel constricted. One where you always come first.”
What is he saying? My hand shoots up to his, grasping his fingers.
We’re standing at the bottom of the house in the meadows. It’s not a house. It’s the dream of a house.
Thick tree trunks make up an elevated platform. Birch trees loosely design the frame of the house—walls, door, a steepled roof. Ethereal fabric hangs from the branches, forming dreamy walls.
A staircase made of thick logs leads to a doorway framed in garlands of flowers and greens.
Justin takes my hand again and leads me up. As we reach the top, he lifts me, cradles me in his arms, and carries me through the threshold, his hand resting on my bare thigh.
“What are you doing?” I breathe.
“I’m showing my wife her new world. Or—an idea of it.”
His wife?
“Justin—”
“I know what you’ve been through, and I know where you’re coming from. I know the lies you heard today and the hurt you’ve felt. And I’m sorry about that. I wish you”d have come to me, but I understand why you didn’t.” He dips his lips to brush my forehead. “Promise me to always come to me now, when you’re in pain, or in doubt.”
“Justin, what—”
He turns me in his arms so he’s holding me upright against and above him, his head tilted back to meet my gaze. “Clover, will you take me as your husband?”
My heart stutters.
“—to worship and protect you—”
Tears fill my eyes.
“—love you and care for you?”
My hands lock behind his nape as my lips open to him.
“Clover, will you take me as the father of your children?” he whispers against my mouth. “I beg you, sweet Clover. Don”t leave me. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t see how you were being hurt, and I swear, I have no excuse, but I”ll make it right by you. You’re my queen, and I’ll let it be known. No one”ll ever mess with you again.”
“Justin—”
“As for marrying you, darling Chloe? I knew the night in the elevator that you were the one for me. No one else will do, no one else can fill my heart, nourish my soul, give my life meaning. I’m a shadow of myself without you. And I’m arrogant enough to believe that I’m not such a bad match for you either. If you’ll have me.”
I blink several times. Where is my resolve? In his arms, in this place, with these words, of course I want to say yes.
“There has never been anyone else, and there”ll never be anyone else. And you know it. Follow my lead and don’t let your fears steal your life from you. I beg you, Chloe. I will devote my life to proving to you I’m right about that.”
I dip my mouth to his, our tongues softly mingling.
He nibbles my lower lip. “Is that a yes?”
I take a shaky breath and whisper, “Yes”. My throat is tight, my eyes burn, and my heart is about to explode.
He wraps my legs around his waist and kisses me deeply. “How do you like our new digs, my queen?” he asks when we come up for air.
“Our new digs?”
“Look around you. What do you see?”
I stay in the beauty of his eyes for a little longer, then glance around, returning to the irises in which I want to get lost. “I see open fields and faraway mountains and nothing around for miles and miles.”
“How does it make you feel?”
“Free,” I answer without thinking.
“That’s my wife. That’s my Clover. I want you to feel free.” He twirls me around once more and sets me on the platform. “This piece of land is ours if you want it. Over there,” he points, “is Canada. Over to this side, is Lake Champlain and beyond that, New York. And this peak is Mount Mansfield, the highest in Vermont.”
I look around, astonished.
“Way over there, on a clear day, from the window of our master suite upstairs, you”ll see Mount Washington–the highest in the Northeast. You deserve nothing less than the top of the world. Let me give it to you.”
I let my tears fall freely. I’m not hiding anything anymore.
I almost lost the love of my life because I hid my insecurities, my needs.
Not anymore.
I’m in Boston mode, no bullshit, nothing hidden, and at least with Justin, I’m staying myself for the rest of my life.
So I give him my tears, and my desperation, and my needs, molding my body to his.
He groans. “Stay right here.” He jumps off the platform, disappears under it, and pulls an inflated mattress up, then a picnic basket. He climbs back up the log stairs, sets me on my back on the mattress. A shooting star falls through the deepening sky.
“Make a wish,” I whisper.
He lays on top of me, lifting himself just enough on his elbows. “Got all my wishes.” His hands frame my face, his thumbs rubbing alongside my jaw, his eyes deep in mine. “But I know I come with baggage. An unborn child that’s not yours. The child’s mother… well, we know who she is. Hopefully she won’t be repeating that shit, once I have a talk with her, but I can’t guarantee it. What I can promise you, is that you are the center of my universe. Always have, always will be. What I can hope, is that you’ll help me raise that child, and we’ll give it brothers and sisters soon. But that’s up to you… So… is it still yes?” he asks me after a long while of me just gazing into the green of his eyes.
“Y-yes what?” A shooting star traces to his side, then another. Perfect.
The green in his eyes deepens, and his voice comes out raw. “Will you marry me, Clover?”
My heart ba-booms. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this perfect man? Be cherished by him? Loved by him and love him in return? His limbs tighten around my body, thighs encapsulating my legs, arms cradling me into him, cock digging into my belly.
Another shooting star above us.
Perfection.
His breath tickles the top of my hair, his salty scent turns me to mush. I moan and press my hips harder against him.
He growls. “Babe.”
“Mmm?”
“Need a clear answer.”
An answer? Oh, right. ‘Will you marry me, Clover.’ “God yes.”
He takes my mouth in his, wraps one hand on my breast. I keep my eyes open just to see his eyelids hood, then close entirely, the abandon in his features so moving I nearly cry. How could I ever doubt him? From the first time he laid eyes on me, I’ve always been the only one for him.
We make quick work of our clothes. Justin runs a finger through my center and mutters, “Fuck, you’re already wet for me.”
“Just take me,” I whimper. “Please.” I grab him, and his hot and pulsing cock in my hand almost sends me over the edge. He’s ready to explode, all for me. Only for me. I let go of him, wrap my legs around his hips, and pull him inside me.
“I’m not gonna last long,” he grunts. “Fuck, Chloe, you feel so good.”
He dips his mouth to my nipple, and I cry out my release, shaking deliciously under him, not knowing if the shooting stars are in my head or over him.
Then he pumps in and out of me, harder, faster, until he stills and reaches his orgasm with a grunt, and I get to witness the beauty of him coming undone for me, once again.
We fall asleep under the stars, Moose standing guard, and in the morning, we open the picnic basket. Crispy baguette, butter from the farm, a mild cheddar, and apples.
And hard cider.
Life is perfect.
“I should have brought a thermos of coffee. I didn’t think we’d sleep here.”
“No? Then why the mattress?”
“The mattress was for making love, or fucking, or however else this was going to turn out. I didn’t think we’d spend the whole night.”
I roll onto my belly. “Are you kidding? This is the most beautiful spot on earth. I’m never leaving.”
He chuckles and reaches to caress my cheek. “I heard you postponed the closing on the restaurant.”
I blush slightly. “Oh, right. I—I need to… I’ll reconfirm.”
“Do you still want to buy the restaurant? You know you don’t have to.”
He knows me so well. “I do, of course I do,” I sigh.
“But?”
“I don’t know… if it’s enough? I feel I’ve done everything I needed, or close. They don’t really need me to do well. With Corine at the helm, it’s smooth sailing. Anyone could do my job.”
“Then move onto your next adventure. Hire a manager, keep an eye on the restaurant, but move onto something that excites you.” He pulls me in for a deep kiss.
“God, I love you so much. I want to stay here my whole life too. Can this day just never end?” I grab the pocketknife we used to cut the cheese, scoot over to one of the birch logs, and start carving our initials.
Justin kneels next to me and watches me, nuzzling my neck. “Have you thought of anything else you’d like to do?”
“Haley told me about her fermentory. I’d love to help her get it off the ground. It’s more up my alley than the restaurant business.”
“You would be successful in anything you set your mind to. She’ll be thrilled to partner with you.”
“Tell me about this land,” I say.
“Mom and Dad are giving it to us to build our house on. Away enough from the farm so they won’t be in our business, close enough that our kids can run to their grandparents for pie and to help with farm work.
“We can start building when you want. My personal taste? Barn style, four bed, three baths, three car garage with a guest apartment above it, but ultimately, I’ll be happiest if you build whatever you want. I spoke with Lucas. He gave me numbers I like, and I think you’ll like too. When you’re ready, Thalia will design, and Autumn will help you decorate.
“I know Haley is already working with them on designs for the fermentory that would be a couple miles away from our site—if you want this site—which is close enough that you can ride your ATV or horse or snowmobile or fatbike or whatever you’ll want to ride to go to work. I’m making Shane partner. He’ll move into the apartment as soon as our house is ready.
“For the wedding, all up to you babe, but as far as I’m concerned, the sooner the better, and just so you know, there’s no waiting period in Vermont, so we can get married tomorrow if you like. Again, up to you. I know there are a lot of fancy wedding venues, and maybe your folks will want something upscale, but no way, and I mean no way, are they paying for anything—I don’t care that you’re their first daughter getting married—so if you want a fancy wedding venue then maybe we’ll hold back on the guest apartment or the third bathroom or both. Depends on how fancy you want it.”
I drop the pocketknife, my eyes glued to the carved initials, CS heart JK.
“Too soon?” he asks.
Turning around slowly to face him, I take his face between my hands, and straddle him. “How long have you been planning this?” My eyes search his, uncomprehending. How did I not see this? How was I ready to say goodbye to him?
“Too much?” he answers. His hands land on my hips and trail up to my back. “It’ll be whatever you want, Clover, just a few ideas I been playin’ with.”
I lower my mouth to his as his hand makes its way under my dress.
“You’re not saying anything, Clover. Give me somethin’.”
I wrap my arms tightly around his neck and say, peppering kisses all over him, “Wedding on our land. Three weeks from now. Foliage will be perfect, give us time to plan. Everything else, what you said.”